Truly fed up.

[rabbitheart]

Hello!
Oh dear, sorry to post such a miserable rant but need some impartial advice.

I'm feeling incredibly frustrated and trapped right now due to partners lack of job/motivation/money. My p is self employed but rarely has much work. I stay at home and look after our 14 month old son. There are not an abundace of jobs where we live, but there are jobs. My p has not had regular work since the summer when he worked away and earnt a decent wage. However, we rarely saw him due to long working hours.

Before becoming pregnant I worked 60 hour weeks and if I wanted anything I worked damn hard to make sure I could afford it after rent and bills etc were paid. P had a far more relaxed view and I pretty much carried him financially. Once I became pregnant money was a real worry for me, but he promised he'd provide. What a pile of shit.

This man is a great father (well he became one after I went mad at him when ds was about 8 months old and told him I needed more help) but is so incredibly lousy with money it is ridiculous. He doesn't even have a functioning bank account, everything is in my fucking name.

I am constantly stressed and anxious about where the money will come from each month. He usually resorts to selling something, but he's pretty much sold everything he could. When things get really bad I ask to borrow money from my sister, which I find incredibly embarrassing.

We argue constantly about money and I am so fed up I am ready to leave him. Am I being ridiculous? He is wonderful with our ds, but we cannot survive on fucking air.

Oh and found out we are entitled to housing and coucil tax benefit, but it has taken me 6 weeks to convince him it's a good idea, and still waiting on figures from him for forms. He didn't want to claim due to PRIDE!!! I could fucking scream. As far as I'm concerned he can't have much pride left.

Oh and then I get told I'm not supportive enough! WHAT A BLOODY JOKE! Think I know what I need to do.

Yes I am aware of how ridiculous that sounds 'I believed he would change.' Oh heck I was in love and had no reason to doubt him. Isn't hindsight wonderful?

so what now RH ?

you acknowledge things are wrong but you are at stalemate

you carry on as before ?

good luck with that, but you will be here again in 6 months time, in debt

you can't make him take financial responsibility, by power of will

he will, or he won't

I get that you think "why should you give up your SAHM status" but tbh, you have chosen the wrong partner to be able to afford that particular luxury

harsh, but true

Have to say that despite being awful with money he is good with our son. I am aware that in some ways he is not wonderful as he doesn't provide enough financially etc, but would much rather him have a father who is loving and kind but shit with money, than someone who is a great provider but has no time for his children. In an ideal world he would be a great father and provider. Hopefully he will be one day. I shall be telling him that I'm leaving unless things change. Thanks for your help

Well Any fucker, now I make a stand and get things sorted. Once and for all.

if he is a great dad, then let him be SAHD, while you go out to work

as much as it rankles, you both have equal responsibility to provide for dc

his contribution would be a large one if he was providing FT childcare, looked after home etc while you worked ?

why will you not consider that ?

ok

well, good luck, but you may have to get more creative is all I am saying

all the best, love x

PS. if he is in consruction industry, has he tried the "Rated People" website ?

Yes I think that is something I could consider. I will have a good think about it.
If not that then there is the option for him to work away. However, if he does that we would probably only see him once a month for a weekend. I realise that sacrifices need to be made, just need to figure out where. Thanks

Thank you for your advice. No he hasn't, will make sure he does.

AnyFuckerisFucked is right.

You need to look at the practicalities. It sounds as though you would always have been better as the provider, while he would make a great SAHD. Someone who is a caring, loving, fun dad is worth a lot. Put aside your own feelings about what you want, and think about your child - you may prefer to stay home and not work but this is about meeting the child's needs.From the child's point of view, that's vastly preferable to his dad working away and only seeing him once a month - a month is a long time in the life of a 14 month old. The bf thing doesn't need to be an issue as thousands of mums return to work while still bf - your child will adapt, but in all honesty, you need to make the changes because it doesn't sound like your partner will

Sadly it's a case of welcome to the reality of parenthood, many people can't have what they want by staying home and looking after their dc themselves.

Housing benefit etc is being cut, one of you needs to be working, or actively seeking work, perhaps both of you work part time so you don't have to use external childcare?

violet - if he is SAHD he will need to be organised and have some drive. Otherwise there is the danger that rabbitheart will end up having ful time job and having to do everything at home. I think that he needs the structure of having a fulltime job or two part time jobs with rabbitheart having a part time job to hedge her bets.

Possibly... But she says he's very good with the child, and he's clearly not good at earning, so it seems a more sensible arrangement than the current set up. The op definitely needs to start earning, that's for sure. She may end up splitting, and with the future of the welfare state being so precarious she'd be mad to continue to rely wholly on her partner to provide a home and security