I just feel so bloody sad...

[PrettyFeckinFairyLights]

My story is that 3 years ago my h told me about the affair he was having, with a 29 yr old (I was 43) and I was absolutely devastated.

I tried for so long to kick start our marriage. Told him it could work, we could move on from this. Tried a couple of counselling sessions but I knew his heart wasn't in it. He was still in contact with her and you can only put yourself through that for so long. So, after about 14 months I gave up.

We moved the into separate rooms, told the dc Mum and Dad dont love each other any more. The DC were upset, especially my DS who has taken is very badly and affected him in so many ways.

In the last month I figured I was moving on, feeling stronger, looking better (going to gym etc) and just generally carrying on with my life without h in it. Found new friends and going out regularly. I have now started a divorce as it needs to be done. Dont want the dc thinking this is a normal relationship, and psychologically, it would help me lots to know I am no longer part of this marriage.

So, last night my H tells me he regrets what he did deeply. He loves me, He thinks I am an amazing and strong woman and wishes he could turn the clock back.

It is too little, too late but I just feel an enormous sadness that we could have saved this marriage for the DC if he had done this sooner. I have cried and cried last night and this morning. I wish I could disappear and just cry for a week. Why did he even say anything????

But I will get stronger again. You have to dont you?

Sorry, bit of a self-indulgent rant when there are people here going through much worse. But it helps to get it out.

Is there a part of you that wants to believe him and give things another try?

Something has gone wrong with his life and so he's back peddling, ignore him he's feeling sorry for himself.
I'd text back yes i am and you fcuked it all up you twat bye.

I don't think it's unusual for this to happen.

Honestly gave you changed? Do you cope differently? Enjoy yourself me? The answer will probably be yes, it's the new you he likes and why shouldn't he. But he is the old him, can the two
mix?

Hope someone comes along with some good advice for you, OP. What I know, from my experience, is that if one partner has time and numerous opportunity to make things better, and they decide not to actively do anything about the situation, then, they are rather hypocritical because they could have participated, they could have contributed, and they chose/couldn't be bothered/weren't able to. I have been told in answer to my question - why didn't you try, and the answer (one of them, all negative) was that it would be pointless!

Why couldn't he think during the preceding months that you were an 'amazing woman'?

Why do some men behave in ways that knock you down, and then when you pick yourself up, and become like your old self (but probably improved and stronger), that they 'then' want to be with you.

Bloody cheek!

But, op, it's your life, and your decision whether you are willing to give him one more chance.

Thanks all

No, FAB, there is no way I could give this marriage another try. I dont even like him very much. He is here because of the DC.

I just feel so very sad that if he had done this 3 or even 2 yrs ago, things would be so different for us and the DC.

Thanks Deluded, I feel angry as well as sad that he couldn't have done this before.

I can just see the pair of us spending the rest of our lives unhappy but I dont want to be with him either

I think that was a very manipulative and cruel thing for your H to do. He broke your heart and resisted all attempts to put the marriage back together, and now that you're moving on he's trying to reel you back in with ridiculous lies. It seems to me that he doesn't like the fact that you're stronger without him and what he said was a well-timed tactic to make you start doubting yourself again. What was your response to what he said?

My response writer, was to tell him it was too late but I did cry lots. I am feeling very emotional anyway. I want to enjoy christmas for the DC but have to tolerate h being here (and my Mother, but that is a whole other story).

I agree with Writer - an incredibly selfish and manipulative act from your DH. He is deliberately trying to sabotage your 'moving on' because it makes him feel uncomfortable. Fuck him.

I agree with Daddysgirl.

I think this is standard reaction from him, you look good, your growing in strength, and you no longer want him. So suddenly he wants it all back? Cave in now and you will be back were very soon.

I'm sorry, it sounds like you've had a harrowing time.

No there wont be any caving in blackeyeddog, it is just that the situation is so sad.

I couldn't try again. I feel dead inside.

I don't know if it's any consolation to you fairylights but I doubt things could have gone any better in your relationship. This doesn't seem to me to be a genuine attempt to patch things up with you. He had his chance and you gave it a very very good go, and he didn't participate. What he's saying now sounds like empty bullshit to me, so don't let him manipulate you into feeling this way as it seems to me that that's exactly what he wants - to make you doubt yourself exactly at the point where you're starting to feel strong. The point I'm trying to make is that he would not have done this 2 or 3 years ago because it didn't suit him - it only suits him now that he knows there's no going back.

Yeh, you are probably right Writer, I think he knows that I have moved on and there couldn't be anything between us anymore.

Still makes me sad though!

Mine did this - just wanted to get back in the house, and, ok, he saw glimpses of the person he was attracted to in the first place. It just put me back to square one again with him. He never could be bothered or desired to try.

They like to throw you titbits when there is no commitment required from them, just to make them look better. (I'm not bitter

Pleased for you that you have got through what he put you through a few years ago.

This seems very common, I have been watching a similar situation unfold quite close to me. It's pretty pathetic that only NOW they want to make things work, when you are happier, sorted and moving on. It says it all, really. And I agree with the others above that such a statement, so late in the game, is WILDLY manipulative and very empty as a meaningful gesture.

I understand your sadness, however. It's normal to grieve for what could have been. Allow yourself that, and then get back to where you were, you sound strong and positive despite this setback :) Good luck to you.

IMO he is just panicking because you have moved on and starting a divorce, i know its hard but the best thing to do is to continue divorce proceedings and get on with your life, he has had his chance and didn't take it you only have one life and you need to live it in a way that's best for you, and then in turn you will be able to be the best mum you can for your DC, good luck x

Funny how they can't cope with being on their own. I bet the OW called it off so he's trying to creep back (Can't blame her, who wants a cheating bugger anyway?) I don't know why but I thought of

Don't feel sorry for him, he made his bed, he has to deal with the consequences. Yes it's sad, but you're doing the right thing by divorcing him. He didn't try when you gave him the chance, it's unlikely he'd put in any effort now.

Thanks all for your comments. I am still feeling strong and will proceed with divorce - it is what I need to do.

Aarrggh, bloody men!!

Thanks Kirk1, I love Beautiful South and often think of h when I hear that one!

Hi Anothermum (Stirling here, remember?). I remember you were in the same position as me when all this started. We are friends actually, in a weird sort of way, he can still make me laugh but I have no inclination to get close to him or to rebuild our marriage. He has made his bed....

I just hope that 2011 is when I get to be happy, just a bit

I totally get where you are - and also remember you.
A good cry, then give yourself a hug, chin up - and onwards and upwards.
xx

It is awkward Dittany. He normally works away in Leeds. He leaves on a Sunday afternoon and comes back on a Friday night. The dc look forward to seeing him so much. He couldn't afford a place in Leeds and a flat here (Scotland) so I have let him carry on coming back here every weekend.

I have spoken to him now about just coming here every other weekend and then when he is here I may go and visit friends or just sit in bed and read a book whilst he has the DC. Will upset the DC though if he isn't here every weekend.

Thanks CS, I have just been out for a walk on my own and have come back in a much better and stronger mood, although I am a bit wet - bloody slush everywhere!!