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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stupid life

26 replies

cantrantwithusualusername · 26/12/2010 21:42

Don't really know if this is the best place to post. Since this is relationships...and I don't have any of them. The ex was arrested 4 years ago tomorrow, it was the most traumatic night ever, the people IRL who know what happened think it is all okay now he is gone, but it isn't, the memories are always there and impossible to deal with, but nobody cares. However most RL people don't know what happened because it is symptomatic of the fuck up I have made of my life and I don't like to publicise that :( That is all really. I don't really expect any replies, don't feel you need to, or be sympathetic or anything, partly I just needed to write this somewhere and this was that somewhere.

OP posts:
BibiBlocksberg · 26/12/2010 21:48
NicknameTaken · 26/12/2010 21:50

Didn't want you to go unanswered. Firstly, you're not fucking up your life - you got away from a bad relationship. Many women never get that far. Secondly, any prospect of getting counselling? Memories do have to be dealt with when they get this int(rusive. Can you talk to your GP or to Women's Aid about their Freedom Programme (I'm assuming DV - sorry if that's wrong).

I understand what you mean about not wanting to publicize events of the past - I tend to minimalize my ex's treatment of me (except on here) for a similar reason.

You don't have to feel this way - seriously, talk to your GP. And rant away on here - it helps.

BibiBlocksberg · 26/12/2010 21:51

...pressed send too quickly. Not much you can do with a wave can you :)

"but it isn't, the memories are always there and impossible to deal with, but nobody cares."

Have you ever considered counselling for this? I know that's the stock advice given usually and I used to be totally against it but it is great at helping with past and present traumas especially when RL expects you to have moved on.

Binfullofgibletsonthe45 · 26/12/2010 21:52

I'm confused was it traumatic because you didn't think he should be arrested or because it brought it all home?

Why have you fucked up your life? Sounds like he did that?

AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 21:53

Did you get any counselling help to deal with the traumatic shock you must inevitably be feeling ?

4 years will seem like a long time to anyone who hasn't been through this, I imagine they expect you to have "got over it" by now ?

From what I have read, it can take a lot longer than that.

If you had dc with him, he may still be in your life, rubbing salt in the wound.

I haven't had your experience but I think you do deserve sympathy, and also kudos for still being here, mostly intact and most importantly, still interacting x

Original poster
cantrantwithusualusername · 26/12/2010 21:55

Hi Bibi :)

Thanks Nicknametaken - yeah, DV. And yes, I did have counselling through Uni last year and it was so good, the most helpful thing I have ever done, but I could only get 6 sessions. I have spoken to my GP about this because I am on anti-depressants, but she has only given me a list of places, and they all cost money. I did get referred through mental health services before, but that was all a bit of a disaster, and I think maybe because of that they are reluctant to help now :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
cantrantwithusualusername · 26/12/2010 21:58

Bibi - it was what he did to me that caused him to be arrested that was most traumatic. And although he worked very hard at fucking up my life here are all kinds of reasons why I was in the situation to allow him to do so, and some of that was choice on my part - highly irrational but choice all the same.

OP posts:
pinkhair · 26/12/2010 21:58

I started a thread on here as i didnt know what to do about my h, he was emotionally and mentally abusing me and sometimes our ds but at the time i couldn't see that, not even when my close friends pointed it out to me, then one of them introduced me to MN and i have had so much good advice and support on here, that it gave me the strength to leave my h and now me and my ds and having fun now, but there are lots of people out there in RL who dont know what h was like and still dont, cos i dont like people to know how stupid i was for putting up with it.

Seriously keep posting on here there is so much help. big hugs :)

Original poster
cantrantwithusualusername · 26/12/2010 22:02

Thanks Pinkhair. :)

OP posts:
BibiBlocksberg · 26/12/2010 22:04

"And although he worked very hard at fucking up my life here are all kinds of reasons why I was in the situation to allow him to do so, and some of that was choice on my part - highly irrational but choice all the same."

As I keep saying I am no expert but do believe from past experience (sem-violent tit nothing on your scale though) that the 'choice' seemingly offered to you isn't really a choice if that makes any sense.

When someone has threatened you and ground down your self esteem for so long then choice really doesn't come into it. Although certain people will be happy for you to believe that you 'chose' that life etc.

Original poster
cantrantwithusualusername · 26/12/2010 22:08

Yeah, it definitely wasn't a very conscious choice, but I think part of my subconscious wanted to be with him in the first place for the drama. Damn my subconscious, it is responsible for far too many fuck ups! And once I was in that relationship obviously I would have chosen for it to end, I wanted it to end, but I stupidly wanted it to end with him realising, and 'becoming nice'.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 22:19

it sounds like you have a lot of insight into why you stayed with him now

bu when you were in he middle of it, your mind would not have been working clearly, it couldn't possibly

you just wanted the man you loved to be the person you thought he could be

he never was, though

although I am sure he worked very hard to convince you (imbetween doing the things that he did) that your faith in him was justified

that is how our abusers hook us..they give us tiny glimpses of how it could be

msboogie · 26/12/2010 22:37

I think I know who you are. The memories are not impossible to deal with. Almost nothing is. You are holding onto it to punish yourself. You stayed with him to punish yourself. On some level this must be true. What people know or care of your story in RL is irrelevant- it is up to you to leave it in the past; take away his power, forgive yourself and move on.

AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 22:39

I have an inkling too

BibiBlocksberg · 26/12/2010 22:40

"that is how our abusers hook us..they give us tiny glimpses of how it could be"

That sounds spot on actually AF. It's really cruel though really isn't it since that always left me feeling like I was being totally unfair and given enough time he would be like it all the time.

Sorry to be talking all over your thread cantrant Blush

AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 22:43

yes bibi...if you stayed a bit longer, if you just tried a bit harder, if you could just "get over" certain things, if you could forgive (again and again), if you, if you, if you....

abusers play on normal people's reasonableness

Original poster
cantrantwithusualusername · 26/12/2010 22:49

About memories - I know, I just feel like nobody cares how much it effects me.

And yeah - there are always the little times that you can refer to when you think that everything was lovely and proper-family-esque, and it is so easy to think thta is something just changed somewhat, then that is how it could always be.

I would be surprised if any of you did know who I was here, it has been a year since I posted on here, although I did used to post quite a lot. I have name changed because I am just slightly paranoid about a relative being on here. There are a few RL people who know me on here too, but that is not so bad, it is just said relative, and I don't really know that they are on here, I just know they might be!

OP posts:
BibiBlocksberg · 26/12/2010 22:49

"abusers play on normal people's reasonableness"

Mmh, reasonableness was drummed into me as being my middle name so no wonder.

Right, enough of me - you still around OP? How are you feeling? Little bit better after the shock of the trolls?

BibiBlocksberg · 26/12/2010 22:50

Oh there you are, am typing too slowly, ignore my last post.

Original poster
cantrantwithusualusername · 26/12/2010 22:51

Haha, I always type far too slowly too. Yeah, still around, feeling...vague!

OP posts:
AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 23:04

OP, if you haven't posted for over a year, I don't know who you are

sorry if that creeped you out, I wasn't thinking straight

there is another poster who has said some very similar things to you, she has a long running thread

FWIW, lots of people joined it, saying they had done similar things, felt similar emotions, buried themselves in denial and made many very (with hindsight) damaging bargains with themselves within a bad relationship

such damaging bargains in fact, that hey were really suffering several years later with the fact that it felt like a different person back hen, almost like dissociation

and that can feel really fucking scary, I expect

Original poster
cantrantwithusualusername · 26/12/2010 23:16

That's okay, it didn't creep me out, I would just have been surprised. I did post some stuff on berevement, comment on other people's posts about this kind of thing etc, but I didn't start any long running threads. :)

I totally recognise the dissociation thing, I am such a different person to then in a lot of ways, and mostly do feel different, and although that is definitely a good thing, it does make dealing with all this that much harder.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantrantwithusualusername · 26/12/2010 23:20

I am off to bed now - thank you all :)

OP posts:
BibiBlocksberg · 26/12/2010 23:22

Goodnight cantran, sleep well :)

BibiBlocksberg · 26/12/2010 23:22

cantrant, perhaps it's time for me to stop typing as well now.... Grin