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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

this is not normal....

28 replies

readyforthenewyear · 26/12/2010 18:26

Just coming on to rant really....

DH left to go and get milk, that was two hours ago (the shop is across the road!!)
I'm sure he's headed to the big shops or a cafe - anything to not be at home with me and our two DC's.
It all kicked off yesterday, dragged him to Church (should have left him at home) he grumbled along.
Came home and dc's played with new presents and I did lunch.
Had lunch.
No thank you.
He barely spoke a word, we had two guests one of which didn't speak English, so it was me keeping the conversation going between the guests and the two DC's (2 & 3 yrs).
After lunch DH fell asleep on lounge, boys played around him.
I cleaned up.
I put DC's to bed.
Then went to bed myself.
This morning decided if he wants to be like this then so will I, so I decided to stop talking and do nothing. (well tried to do nothing but couldn't when it came to feeding DC's and changing nappies etc). DC's have been stuck inside all day and climbing the walls.
So it hasn't been a fun day and now he's left.
He really doesn't want to be part of this family
This is only the past two days, we obviously have a history and it does evolve around me not feeling he makes us his priority. I've complained in the past that he would rather spend time in a coffee shop and hang with his friends than be with us or do something with the boys. And also do work, which I can understand work taking a prority but he has to get the balance right.
A perfect example of this is that he often sees client in the mornings and evenings, leaving hours free during the day. NEVER would he think of coming home to see the boys or do something with the boys (we live a ten minute walk from work). He would always choose getting a bus to the shopping centre and sitting in a cafe for those few free hours.
SO YES I'M FRUSTRATED AND FED UP

OP posts:
AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 18:28

I am sorry, but I think your H has a whole other life that you are not part of

and it involves other women

emmyloulou · 26/12/2010 18:31

He is having an affair.

Original poster
readyforthenewyear · 26/12/2010 18:37

I might sound naive (SP?) but I really don't think he is having an affair, but I do agree he is having a life outside of this one.
One without the hassle of us!

OP posts:
biryani · 26/12/2010 18:40

Feel for your situation, but not unusual, I suspect. At least you managed to drag him to church! Your children are young, which makes it more difficult to get out and about, but as they get older and less dependent on you perhaps you will be able to evaluate your relationship more objectively. Is is behaviour really upsetting you or is it more to do with your own lack of independence? This seems like typical "man" behaviour to me-do you think you can change him? I'm in a similar situation to yourself and I've accepted I can't change him so I just get on with my own thing regardless of him (my DD is older, having said that). Otherwise, perhaps you should try some counselling or just talking it through with a friend?

AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 18:43

he hangs out in coffee shops ?

have we gone back to the 1950's and I haven't noticed ? Xmas Hmm

this is not typical man behaviour

any woman that excuses such selfishness on the grounds that he possesses a penis is a fool, and likely to settle for a life of being second-best

this is the behaviour of a selfish tool regardless of gender

pippop1 · 26/12/2010 18:45

Have you tried phoning him when he is out? Does he answer? It does sound like there might be something going on. I hope not though.

emmyloulou · 26/12/2010 18:46

This isn't typical "man" behaviour AT ALL.

I'd bet my house he was having an affair, all this time away from the house, suitably deteatched from his wife and family.

If he's not, he is sending a message loud and clear, he does not want this life anymore.

HerBeatitude · 26/12/2010 18:46

Are you sure he's not having an affair?

If he isn't, he's certainly doing a good impression of it.

There's a very good thread about the circumsntances in which people "tune out" from their relationships, enabling them to have affairs and if your DH isn't actually having one atm, he's certainly creating the emotional conditions to have one.

Will try and find it for you.

HerBeatitude · 26/12/2010 18:54

here it is

It's v. long, but v. interesting re the processes of how people give themselves permission to have affairs. If you don't have time to read the whole thread, WhenwillIfeelnormal's posts talk lots about this. Your DH sounds like he's fitting the mould alarmingly.

(Not saying he's having an affair btw, but just the fact that he's so tuned out from his family and relationship, means that something is very very wrong.)

MrMananger · 26/12/2010 19:04

AF, I'm thinking he may be European as there's still a coffee shop culture among e.g. Turkish and Portuguese men.

AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 19:06

ah, ok, MrM, fair point on the coffee shop thingy

it doesn't change anything though, really, does it ?

ShanahansRevenge · 26/12/2010 19:09

My DH sits in coffee shops...and so do I. If you don't drink and want to chill...where do you go? The library? Coffee shops are nice to sit in if you have some good ones.

But OP...s does sound a little like he could be seeing someone else.

Do you still hhave sex?

SantasMadMissy · 26/12/2010 19:12

Is he definately hanging in Coffee shops?

SantasMadMissy · 26/12/2010 19:13

Mind you like PP I like sitting in Costas too, so logical but wondered is that going by hs word?

AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 19:16

don't let my Xmas Hmm at the coffee shops derail the thread

I really meant that "hanging out at coffee shops" was something that teenagers with no commitments used to do in the 1950's

not family men with responsibilities at home in the 21st century IYSWIM

I would also wonder if that was really where he was...

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 26/12/2010 19:16

You dragged him to church - why? I am RC but would not dream of dragging my DH to chruch - not even when our kids were little - just took them on my own. You had a guest who speaks no English for Xmas - did he agree to this? Sounds awfully hard work?

Are you trying to control him - and he is just trying to get some freedom......

MrMananger · 26/12/2010 19:17

No, it's beside the point entirely, wherever he's going it's either an avoidance tactic or he has some other distraction.

tooposhtopost · 26/12/2010 19:18

Assuming it is just laziness and selfishness on the part of her DH, what can the OP actually do about it? You can't not feed the children, wash them, entertain them and keep the house reasonable so you are pretty stuck......

OP, I assume you have tried talking to him and explaining that you are feeling neglected and let down as a family is a joint enterprise and you were expecting him to be part of it, and that you are not a house elf?

He is definitely behaving badly and on some level must know it. Poor you. It's difficult to escape. You can forge your own life (as if a single parent but without the hassle of a divorce) but ultimately that will lead to problems as you will miss having a life companion, and everyone needs affection and understanding, not to mention someone to share the fun times with. I hope this is a temporary blip and that he comes round sooner rather than later.

HerBeatitude · 26/12/2010 19:19

LOL at the obsession with coffee shops.

"Are you sure it's starbucks?"

"No no, I think it's costas"

"No, it's the local one round the corner, unbranded but much better coffee and they give you one of those little biscotti thingies with every coffee."

"Actually it's the pub".

It doesn't really matter, does it? As anyfucker says, it's the fact that he's disconnected from his family.

SantasMadMissy · 26/12/2010 19:22

What I meant was, are you sure that its somewhere not someone?

OT but Costa is better

atswimtwolengths · 26/12/2010 19:26

I am sorry, but I can see why he's trying to have some time on his own!

I would HATE to be dragged to church. I don't believe in it and would feel very resentful if I was made to go. Why did you do that?

Did he want the two visitors at Christmas? I have to say I would be wary of having Christmas lunch with someone who couldn't speak my language (and if I were the one who couldn't understand the language, I'd be grateful for the food but wouldn't otherwise be having much of a good time, if I couldn't talk to anyone.) Is this something you'd organised via your church?

You say the children are climbing the walls - I know he should have reacted differently (ie played with them) but it seems like he's just got completely fed up and wanted to get away from it.

I do think he's either now or soon in the position where he could have an affair. However, I think that if he was having an affair now, he'd be lying about where he was, so he'd be making up a story about working today, instead of going for a bottle of milk.

Original poster
readyforthenewyear · 26/12/2010 19:38

apologies in advance if I miss responding to any replies.

Yes - I am frustrated and alone and haven't really talked it through with him. Talking about the 'hard' stuff is hard for us.
I think I have been like 'Biryani' said and just getting on with my own stuff but every now and again just have enough and have a blow up!

I know where he is and could walk past and find him there, he would also answer his phone. It's the fact that he wants to hang there rather than with the dc's :(

Sex life = pretty poor (once in past few months)

I thought him coming to church with his family was important on Christmas Day but have learnt my lesson and will go with the DC's by myself from now on. If he had asked me to do something like this which was important to him then I would do it, i would do it for the family.

Will definitely check out that other thread, detaching himself to justify an affair might be right.

I feel sad if this is the 'emotional' relationship that I have for life.

I said DH but we are not married, not sure, should I use OH or DP. SORRY FOR THAT ONE

OP posts:
Original poster
readyforthenewyear · 26/12/2010 19:40

Guest at lunch was Nanny's sister who is here visiting for the week. Nothing to do with Church and nothing he should feel resentful about, in fact he should be pleased she enjoyed playing with the DC's so much that day. Nanny has been with us for nearly three years so is another part of the family.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 19:40

I am sorry, OP

it sounds like you are swallowing a lot, for the sake of being in a "relationship" with your dc's father

it doesn't have be like this, you know

ShanahansRevenge · 26/12/2010 20:49

AnyFucker....I have to say...re. you other post where you say that hanging out in coffee shops "isn't for married men with commitments"...but why? Imagine if someone on here said that about a woman!

I think it's sad that so many people feel marriage means the end of "the self".