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Original poster

First time with new man went a bit wrong

30 replies

seekingreassurance · 26/12/2010 10:52

Confused I've been with a wonderful man for about 4 months now, he's slept over several times a week for a month or so, but last night was the first time I felt ready to have sex. I've never waited so long before, but I've been through a bad break up (though it was 3 years ago) and have massive body image issues so for me sex is a big deal, and I have to be very comfortable with someone first.
As soon as the condom was on he lost his erection. He was embarassed and said he was nervous, which I was too, but now I'm sat here worried sick he doesn't find me attractive. My stomach has been truly wrecked by 3 pregnancies, my boobs pretty much destroyed by bfing for more than 4 years in total and these are big insecurities for me. He stayed for a while this morning playing with the children, and I'm seeing him again tonight. I know he is probably far more embarassed about this than me, but I can't help feeling that it's my fault. Will talking about it make it worse for him? I said it was fine, and really, it is fine, I was nervous too, but my goodness I feel full of insecurities this morning :(

OP posts:
notmystory · 26/12/2010 11:01

oh sweetheart - such a lot of pressure for it all to be ok, and when it isn't it makes it worse.

FWIW I had this with someone - all fine until it came to doing anything with it. Could kiss and cuddle and he would be hard as a rock, get naked and ziltch. We did talk about it, and he was obviously mortified.
I tried not to take it as a reflection on me (given that he didn't cut and run, and that kisses etc turned him on so much I am pretty sure it wasn't), but more the pressure of the situation - which then gets worse each time.
But wasn't sure whether addressing or ignoring was best (I wasn't so bothered for me - he had amazing hands! - but wanted him to enjoy as well).

It was quite a few times for us, about 7 or 8 I think before he did maintain an erection. And, OMG - the pride on his face when he did. It was a picture.

And the sex, once it got going, was fucking amazing.

WriterofDreams · 26/12/2010 11:19

I seriously doubt this has anything to do with you at all (though I could see how it would make you feel a bit insecure). Perhaps in future you could just go with the flow and if he does lose his erection, ignore it, keep kissing and try again in a while? He's obviously stressed and nervous as you've had a big build up after 4 months and he's worried about disappointing you so you need to take the planned element out of the situation so he can relax enough to get going. If kissing and foreplay turn him on then there's no way it's your body that's putting him off, it's purely the pressure.

Original poster
seekingreassurance · 26/12/2010 11:24

Thank you :)
My worry is that he will be feeling the pressure now, which may make it worse! It took an awful lot for me to work up the courage tbh, but he's seen the damage now so at least I won't have that mortifying moment again I suppose. The thing is my best friend says my tummy really isn't that bad (but she would wouldn't she) but I am so insecure about it, it's partly the reason we waited so long in the first place.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 26/12/2010 11:26

It's performance anxiety for him. It's not a reflection on you or your body. He got an erection at the thought of you and he only lost it at that tricky condom moment rather than anything to do with you. And I say this as a man who has had this happen more than once when with someone new, at precisely the same condom moment Blush

Smile, sympathise, make it clear that you're not going to just dump him over this (unless you are, of course), but don't make a huge deal over it.

Original poster
seekingreassurance · 26/12/2010 11:38

Thanks snorbs. Of course I won't dump him over this, I can't even imagine what kind of mortifying thoughts are going through his head this morning, poor guy.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 26/12/2010 12:40

This is nothing to do with your body - clearly anxiety on his part as it happened at moment of condom going on - which is really common.

One thing to try would be to agree that you are going to be naked with each other (do people still say heavy petting?!), in very low light, while you get used to him seeing your body. Meanwhile, he can practice "posh wanks" with condoms on so they become very second nature.

Heroine · 26/12/2010 12:46

we-ll an ex of mine had the same problem -0 he just couldn't do it with a condom on...until we found out that the non-latex durex (aviva or something??) and the durex gold are a little bit bigger.. and he was above the girth recommended for the normal ones.. made a big difference (if you excuse the pun).. but what's wrong with his tongue... :)

Eurostar · 26/12/2010 12:58

I always found Aviva smaller and not so stretchy, had lots of problems with them splitting, not used them for a few years though so maybe they've been changed. I used to get condoms from the US, Trojan brand, as they were sized. I think Durex has caught up though - they do "Comfort" brand now for the chap who needs a "tighter fit" - tight condoms should have a bit of a cock ring effect anyway and not cause erection loss

Anyway, this doesn't sound anything about the size or brand, just performance anxiety.

Original poster
seekingreassurance · 26/12/2010 12:58

It's funny really that this might make the sex issue a bit easier to be honest about. He knows I have body issues, so it's kind of a relief in a way that he is not infallible himself. I still feel we had a great time anyway, and I do feel a bit more confident after all your input that it was just a case of nerves on his part.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 26/12/2010 13:01

Have you ever tried a Femidom by the way? I must say that I felt very unsexy using one so it might put you off but it's a good way to use protection and help him with his performance anxiety until he's really comfortable and can handle the condoms better.

Original poster
seekingreassurance · 26/12/2010 13:07

I haven't. Tbh we have both agreed to get STD tested asap, but I have recently tried going back on the pill with disasterous results, the hormones just messed with me completely, took away any kind of sex drive and made me feel permenantly nauseaous. As soon as I can get an appointment I want to go and discuss non hormonal contraception, but I am worried about the side effects. At least with a pill I can stop taking it and the hormones leave my body fairly quickly. I think once we've got the all clear a coil might be the way to go.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 26/12/2010 13:15

Eurostar, in the circumstances I'd probably not go for particularly snug condoms. They'd be even more of a struggle to put on and it's that frustrating, fiddly "Aarrgh, get on there you sodding thing!" moment that rather breaks the spell and can trigger all the other anxieties to well up.

If anything, I'd go for slightly roomier ones that are easier to put on. Trojan Magnums are great (I used to travel to the US on business a lot and would stock up). I'd also make sure that they're easily accessible - you don't want to be fighting with the cellophane on the box when in the heat of the moment Wink

Eurostar · 26/12/2010 13:46

Sure, I'm not saying go for comfort fit at the moment. However, wouldn't suggest a large size for a smaller than average man as too loose comes off too easily if he starts to get a bit soft.

WherecanIhide · 26/12/2010 17:52

Please don't take offence and I'm NOT judging you, but I'm more concerned with the fact he is staying over and playing with your children so soon in a relationship. from what you've written I get the impression it's not like there are loads of different men staying the night but it seems a bit soon tbh.

Original poster
seekingreassurance · 26/12/2010 17:56

Fair enough, and tbh I thought the same bfore I started seeing him. He's not spending any kind fo time with the dc really, he normally leaves before they wake up, but I have been open with my eldest about having him over, as it's her house too and she deserves to know who's here and she's met him briefly about a month ago. This morning was the first time he's done that so don't be too concerned, I don't think it's appropriate to involve dc too soon either.

OP posts:
WherecanIhide · 26/12/2010 18:11

You know what's best for your dc - sorry, just my honest opinion.

You probably won't want my thoughts now but I hope he remembers to give you attention/satisfys you if/when he loses his erection. Can you tell I have been with someone who didn't bother...? Shock

alexqueue · 26/12/2010 19:58

I'm a guy, and I hate both the smell of rubber, the pause in action, and the unsightly look of my penis is rubber. It's not you, or him either.

I'd get tested, then get on the pill. In the meantime, you can still bring each other off with your hands.

alexqueue · 26/12/2010 19:59

penis in rubber. not is rubber. At least as far as I know!

Jenda · 26/12/2010 23:08

im pretty overweight and the first time i had sex with my dp i was terrified of him seeing my horrible tummy... and then he lost his erection! i was mortified and was thinking he found me repulsive but he was just really really nervous! he has since said he couldn't have given a damn about my stomach and was far more concerned that he had a girl he really liked in bed and couldn't perform. I know how you feel i really do but definitely don't take it personally. and try not to be too affected by it, the more tense you are next time the more nervous he's going to be! You'll get there :-)

Resolution · 27/12/2010 00:38

Get him some viagra. It's what it's for, and will help reduce his anxiety as he'll no longer be worried about losing his erection. You can cut up the pills so reduce the dose and slowly wean him off them.

Eurostar · 27/12/2010 00:56

alexqueue - non latex condoms like Avanti or Mates Skin don't smell strong. Just getting tested is not always enough. Viruses like HPV and HSV are not tested in standard screening.

alexqueue · 27/12/2010 17:23

HPV is definitely included in the screenings I've had before (it's so common, it damn well better be). Need to investigate HSV...

Eurostar · 28/12/2010 01:21

I'd be really really surprised if HPV was included - visual check for warts yes but not the dangerous strains that men can carry and easily infect women with, causing cervical cancer if not found through regular smear testing. Not sure there is even a test for it.

fizzfiend · 28/12/2010 02:32

If this happens next time, just smile and tell him you are so turned on and invite him to go down on you. Then enjoy every minute. Then stroke his body gently and just enjoy being with a warm lovely human being. If you are relaxed and chilled, he will be. If he says anything, say it's happened to you before and its no big deal (it's not)...

As notmystory said, a non-starter can turn into incredible sex. My dp always just said very matter of fact that it wasn't happening, but he always made sure I was taken care of and enjoyed it immensely. I learned that sex was not just about penetration and everyone having happy ever after orgasms!

ps it is NOT you! Remember, that men are so happy to have a naked woman in their bed, they barely register hair colour, never mind vital statistics...honest!

MountainDew · 28/12/2010 10:34

Have you ever seen this site OP?

theshapeofamother.com/

Women are beautiful. Mothers are beautiful. You are beautiful.

I think it is so sad that you say your body has been "wrecked" and "destroyed" through being a mother. :( It is natural, and beautiful and is just what happens. Please don't be hard on yourself for what is meant to happen.