Am waiting for a phone call...

[SerendipitousHarlot]

and think that I'm going to finish with my man. I'm hoping that writing all this down will help me to see it for what it is, and make me know I'm making the right decision.

We haven't been seeing each other for very long - we met online, and it's been very intense and loved up, brilliant in fact.

However, the last few weeks have been... different. He went on holiday to South Africa a couple of weeks ago, and since his return, he's changed. Before he went on holiday, it was very full on - for both of us - he was arranging for me to meet his parents, we were discussing the future, and I missed him like crazy while he was away, even though we spoke a lot, I couldn't wait for him to come back.

He came to stay at mine for almost a week, went home on Xmas Eve as he's working all over Xmas, and the week we've had has been awful. I've felt completely emotionally overwrought, to be honest, insecure and needy, and we've had a couple of arguments because he was so distant and detached while he was here.

The night before Christmas Eve, I finally got to the bottom of what was bothering him. He's backed right off from the relationship, decided that it's too serious, too quickly, and that we need some space. Now that to me is code for 'I've changed my mind about you, but can't actually say so'...... right?

So after the last couple of days apart, I've woken up this morning knowing that I have to end it. Ultimately, I feel a bit taken in - that promises have been made, only to be taken back again a few weeks later, which I think is hurtful and cruel. And I can only see more of that on the horizon.

I'm right, aren't I?

Sorry to say it, but I think you're right - he has decided that you're not for him. Best for you to do the job for him and get on with finding someone who will adore you until the 12th of never......

Sorry, but yes. You are right.

Yes, you're right... I've had one or two of these (in my defence, I am ancient so have had plenty of time to make my mistakes) and I'm sure it must be some kind of recognised personality thing. They seem to be totally into you - looking to the future; talking about marriage; etc and then BAM! nothing.

You'd expect, really, if someone was away they'd miss you more, not come back less interested than they went away. Supposing he had a holiday romance, or a few good visits to a red-light district, that may account for the change of heart. However, to be kind, maybe time apart has just shown him that you aren't all that suited for the long haul (doesn't mean there's necessarily anything wrong with either of you, just not suited).

Were he suddenly to change back to besotted lover mode, I'd be very suspicious of that too. If he can swing round 180% once he can do it again, and again, keeping you on the back foot, making you run all the time to keep him sweet. In rom-coms distant partners come to their senses and realise what they're missing; but in real life more often they enter a cycle of attract-repulse which never stops, because it works.

It's a shame after that promising start, but just as well his true colours emerged before you'd made any lasting commitment. In the words of the Recently Dumped thread: chin up, tits out! There are plenty more blokes out there and some of them are genuinely nice.

Yeah, maybe it is code. Perhaps he got caught up in it all but when he got some breathing space, realised that it's not what he wants? He has (eventually) been honest with you, sort of. He's told you it's too much too fast.

That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to date you. Maybe just not be so intense? Take things slowly?

If you like him, and you've been getting on well, instead of saying ok, if you don't want to carry on in this fast, serious, intense relationship, fuck off - why not ask him what he wants, how he sees things. see what he pictures - does he want to date, does he want to call it quits. What is he offering.

You can then decide if that is reasonable, if it's something you want too, or if he's backing off but too cowardly to tell you, or if what he wants isn't what you want.

You know?

We talked. He cried. I'm in detached mode, so I was firm, and we talked for a long time. I've explained that what's annoyed me most is that he has been the one to push for all the committment, I didn't want or ask for any of it. I'm quite happy to pootle along as it is, being emotionally committed and not living together (he lives 100 ish miles away) - I want the relationship to continue, but don't want to feel like I'm smothering him when I'm actually not.... if that makes sense.

Gawd. I dunno. Am spending New Year with him and need to see him outside of this horrible week to know for sure. Difficult. It's like I know I should end it, but I'm not quite ready, if that makes sense.

Think it's sensible that you "wait and see" if you're really ready to call it a day.

Did he do something in SA that he regrets? Something that his conscience can't live with? That might explain his changed attitude.

Yeah, Jingle, I'm not quite ready for it to be over yet - it's something special - well, it has been - and I need to know if it's worth fighting for.

I think there is some explanation for this week, in that I'd been the one stuck in normal life whilst he was whooping it up in Cape Town, and was so looking forward to seeing him, that anything was going to be an anti-climax, if you know what I mean.

PS I'm pretty ancient myself

There was an 'incident', clam Not involving another woman, but something that involved a bit of a betrayal of trust on his part, although he was honest from the start. It was then that I started getting a bit wary I think - and he's felt that off me too I expect.

If he's pulling back, your feelings are understandable, it's your gut instinct and you should relay on it, just out of interest though, has there been anything else since you've started seeing him that has made you think 'hmmm'? Or is it only in the week that he came to stay that the first thoughts came?

I'm watching this thread with great with great interest as I had a very similiar type of realtionship recently and all along there were little things that happended that showed all wasn't as it should have been from the start.

sounds like the holiday has given him a bit of a glimps of what he might be sacrificing by being with you. it happens. better to know it now and make your decision than to carry on feeling confused and needy.

what was the incident that didn't involve another woman?

It's all been quite up and down, bouncing - everything has been amazing when we are together and a bit shit when we're apart. So this isn't the first time I've had doubts. He's shit on the phone too, unless he's had a drink, so sometimes I've felt a bit dismissed.

I really want it to work - not because I need a man and all that crap - but because I think we fit. And I thought that he thought that too.

Really have reservations, but need to be sure.

What happened to you?

Ahhhhh..just typed out a long response and it went!!!

Basically I would say stick with it until you can have another conversation, don't ditch until you are pretty sure that that's it. I have a friend who also went through the same sort of thing..'push-me - pull-me' rubbish and it turned out that he was just very frightened of getting hurt, things calmed down after a while and 18 months later they are still together.

If you think that it's worth it then hang-on in there, if at all possible, try not to invest to much into it (far easier said than done!) to protect yourself.

I met mine of the internet also, very intelligent, attractive and charasmatic, and totally into me, all very heady and powerful stuff, which made me completlety ignore the numerous red flags (only seperated from wife for 10 months, although he maintained that he was completley over it, phone-calls when he was half-asleep, gave me keys to his on third date ..ouuuchh! etc. etc.)

After many dates with other women, I think that he thought he had met 'the one' in me...and slowly realised that I wasn't the one. But I truthfully don't knoww what went wrong as after a 'jackonary' text about needing some headspace for a week after an argument with his ex, how he didn't want to hurt me and would give me a call in a few days blah blah blah I never heard from him again, but saw him on dating sites after a week.

Fucking hell! That is really shit, and cowardly too How did you not contact him, or leave his keys in a pub with an address label attached?

I've only been separated from exh for 8 months.... and really wasn't looking for anything serious - went on a few dates, partied a little, you know Then he came along and swept me off my feet - pushed for commitment, told me he loved me, and it was all very intense. But this time when he came to stay, it was tense and awkward, from both of us. Don't really know why, buy maybe I sensed him pulling away.

Ultimately, I'm not ready to let him go yet. But unless I can get my head around how he his, and that this is very possibly his 'thing', it's not going to work. I'll see.

oh sorry it isn't working out how you thought it would

but really, you should take note of red flags as you see them

swept off feet by charming internet dater, he pushed for more very quickly, too intense too soon...all designed to flater you and remove the clear vision from your eyes

he is either a player with a history of push/pull and has several ladies "swept of their feet"

or he had a dalliance in SA, and has realised he is just not that into you (shit of him, when he was the one pushing you)

some blokes are just like this

beware if he comes back onto you like a rash

before long, he will have your reality tits-up and arse backwards, try to "figure him out"

personally, I think you should have backed off from him at he beginning...he now has you hooked and emotionally-invested

a great situation for him to just keep on dangling the bait, should be be that way inclined

Blimey, he's certainly not charming

He's definitely not a player. Without question, that is not the issue. I think that he has an addictive personality, and that I was his new addiction for a while. So he was all over me, until I reciprocated and then that scared the shit out of him.

The relationship can work, I think. I listened to the warnings he gave me at the beginning, and took them on board - but I won't stay around for too long if I'm being made to feel insecure. It's not me, and I hate being manipulated into feeling like that.

Sooooo.... I shall play it by ear. I don't want a fuck buddy, I'd rather be by myself, so if that's the way it's going, it won't last.

ok, but keep ya wits about ya

My wits are always about me I'm afraid. Hence the constant fucking over-analysing

good luck with it x

but remember, you don't really know all that much about this guy

I'd left he keys at his on the last visit so didn't have them..and ahhhhhh the examples that I gave are only the tip of the ice-berg of the running that he did and the intensity of it all... I really didn't know what to do, but I was determined that I was going to keep my dignity...but it does 'erk' that he thought that I would just quitely go away, in hindsight I wish that I would have told him what I thought of his behaviour.

We could be writing the same story here, have also split from my ex 8 months ago and also wasn't looking for anything intense but It happened and truthfully I'm still reeling from it all a little and it has made me very mistrustful....but anyfucker is spot on it is designed to flatter their ego 'the fun's in the chase'

Although you can wait and see how it pans out, the danger is that purely by default, the more you try = the more emotionally involved you become and the more likely you are to get hurt. If you're feeling at this stage that you're not ready to let him go yet, then that feeling is going to intensify the more you invest.

Do you have any specific examples of him pulling back...or is it just gut instinct?

Honestly, I'd run now. Sounds like a mind fucker to me.

Pull me, push me. Him pushing for this committment too much, too soon. The pulls away. You detatch he starts with the tears......

You seem quite sucked in by it all already and have decided to "see", and so it all starts again. Be careful.

OP what do you mean "the warnings he gave you at the start"

that would be alarm bells for me I'm afraid. most people put forward their best traits at the start and then only when confident they can trust you will share about any issues they have.

He was quite clear that he's a bit of a fuck up. Seeing it for myself now, aren't I?

bouncing there are a few examples really. Not calling/texting so much. Being distant and dismissive when he was here last week. Being able to keep his hands off me.... textbook stuff.