Must I spend hateful Xmas at MIL's???!

[Brozzer]

I've always had great advice on MN about MIL issues.
I posted about awful showdown with MIL some months ago.
We've since very superficially patched things up but I don't like her, don't trust her and don't want to wake up in her pad on Xmas day.
She thinks it's her turn to have us for Xmas despite this row.
Is it OK for me to say no, not ready to spend Xmas with you, want more time?

God, yes. As long as you say it nicely.

I'd say no or stay in a hotel.

Of course it is, why ruin your xmas for her

She 'bit her tongue' last year because we decided to spend ds's 1st Xmas with my parents. Mmmm....
Not going to hers will be taken as MASSIVE snub. It is so important to her and she is trying to patch things up after row.
I don't want to spend Xmas unhappy, being politely tolerated so she can see her the grandson she obsesses about.

Suggest a bit of a compromise. DH and I are having Xmas together and then having MIL and clan over a couple of days later for the late afternoon/evening. I prefer it that way because it's my territory too. If it's her territory she sees it as a licence to treat DH like he's still a child.

can u invite her to yours then

If it makes you feel uncomfortable...dont go...dont say anything and secretly book somewhere for you and dh to go....you dont tell anyone as you want it to be a surprise....it always worked for me

Kleggie - nice.
The thing is I was kind of hoping we might be able to blag another Xmas with my parents who are really nice and my lovely sister will be there - and I WANT TO GO HOME FOR XMAS!!! It's been such a stressful year and I want to be with my family, not with the MIL who has caused us trouble.
She will be insulted if we go my folks again.

ps can't invite anyone here - really small flat - totally unsuitable for Xmas - moving next year

Brozzer, I don't remember your awful showdown but it sounds from what you've said here as though a massive snub might be exactly what she needs to make her tread much more carefully in future.

I don't see why you should have to go to hers, and be tolerated as a vessel, just because it's buggins' turn, I hate buggins' turn, if she wants to see more of her precious grandson she has to deserve it IMHO.

You haven't said what your DH/DP thinks though? Does he want to go to her house, or feel that you have to, or would he also prefer to go to your parents'?

I don't suppose your parents and the outlaws live close together at all? No chance of Xmas at your parents and round to theirs for late afternoon drink? Just to show that you are willing to patch up and make the effort, but there's still a long way to go?

Janh
We had row cos I said you've got to give us more space etc and said how awful I found her pushy, insensitive behaviour at the birth of ds. She really has caused a lot unnecessary rows and grief by piling on the pressure to visit, getting upset when she didn't get her own way, making insensitive comments about the baby not eating enough etc etc usual stuff I think but v upsetting when we've had a tough time of it and have had to deal with unplanned pregnancy after going out with each other for 9 weeks, ahem.
She has totally misjudged me and our situation, whilst pretending to be the most savvy, understanding mum on earth. She thinks she's fab!
DP - bless him - has apologised profusely for her behaviour and is an angel BUT will be terrified to tell her she won't be seeing us on Xmas day!!! Think he is quite scared of her. She is the matriarch. DP's father dumped many years ago, then she remarried three times.

Kleg - they live 3 hours apart unfortunately.
Aaaagghhh

only one optin i am afraid as i can see it if your not going to tell her to fck off.

you have to say to both families. - look we are having xmas at home as a family. however you are quite welcome to visit after 3pm or on boxing day.

that way if they really are ALL that bothered they can get off their hairy arses and come visit - and if they dont thats their fault and then you can faux moan about how awful it was that she didnt visit her grandchild on xmas day - and you can save that one up for future disagreements....bitchy moi?

Custardo - you are a gem.
I think my problem is that I simply don't want to see my MIL at Xmas at all, whether it's at her house or mine.
She is a pain in the arse.
I think I'm going to cause some trouble this Xmas by not going anywhere near here - just to hammer the message home that I'm upset by our row and I need time to get over it.
I want to spend time with people who I like who like me and support me.
End of story.

Brozzer I can't stand my MIL and actually fear for food poisoning when I eat at her house. But I feel that I have a certain obligation to my dh to be respectful to his mum as I expected him to be respectful to my mum (she was much nicer though!!). At least she obsesses over grandson my MIL barely acknowleges my children (only grandparent they have), so maybe you can look at that as a positive. We go every 2nd xmas and grin and bear it and really appreciate the ones at home. Does your dh feel caught in the middle??? You do have to remember this is his mum and however annoying she is everyone always want their mum's approval.

I find myself in a similar situation. I can't stand my MIL and really don't want to see her at X-mas. DP adores his mother and really wants to her to share DS's first X-mas. Every time I think of spending X-mas with them my heart sinks. As DP doesn't seem to see his mother's failings it is a very very sore area!

Sorry I have no advice to give but I empathise!!!

if your DH wants to go back to his house then you should probably go to be fair to him - but that doesn't mean you need to take any sh*t from your MIL.

If you DH is looking for an excuse not to go as he is afraid to tell her, let her blame you - it's not like there is any love lost there anyway and DH gets off the hook.

spending it at your flat is good compromise but then neither of you get what you want. Although you will be spending xmas as a family at some point so why not start now?

I'm dreading the year that MIL asks us to spend it at her house, i've managed to get away with it so far.

i agree with mymama and would go further by saying she is also the Grandmother of your ds and he deserves a grandmother.

Call me old fashioned but I believe it's the job of a good mum to build bridges wherever possible.

That said I would fight for christmas on your own then go to visit her on Boxing Day.

We to avoid a very similar situation have booked a weeks holiday over christmas.

ugh, isnt a massive thing tho? where to do christmas? this year its MIlL's, and i personally sigh and dont want to go. Things that make christmas to me arent important there - the food is crap, the gifts are 'any ol thing' (crap basically, rather than thought out) its very very busy -always over 15 people- and nobody does ANYTHING other than open gifts, eat awful food (she cooks for quantity rather than quality)and then alot of them fall asleep. theres always a row, in which everyone tries to get involved so get out of hand, and I am bored and fed up by oh.........12 noon. but we do go, its dhs turn to see his family, he adores his mother even tho i dont, and the children should really get equal time with grandparents, well I try if I can. they are good grandparents, just crap inlaws!
my baby is due christmas day and I hope to god its on time! then I can skip inlaws altogether!!!!

I had a bitch MIL like that once. And I made sure the spend Xmas volunteering - in a soup kitchen, leading young offenders on a hike, etc. to avoid her. Then she couldn't moan about it, either .

Thanks for advice.
I wish I could be a bigger person and grin and bear it. I wish I had the will to build bridges.

But she's caused such an enormous rift between ne and my dp and I'm actually really sick of her presence in my life. Dp supports me on the face of it - and apologises for her - but I know he resents the fact that I don't want anything to do with her at the moment. He thinks we've had the row and should move on.

He's trying to speed up the reconciliation by persuading me to go to hers for a weekend soon. I just want a break from her - is that so unreasonable? He can take ds to see her, why do I have to be involved? Why do I have to be pushed into false scenarios against my will? I want some peace.

And December is too soon.
A terrible Xmas could actually tip dp and I over the edge. I think it's that serious.
I want to say to dp that I don't want to go to her house til next year when things will have calmed down but I imagine he will think that is ridiculous and a snub to her.

We're going to dp's grandparents for the New Year - they live abroad so it will be an enormous effort on our part. I think that is enough support for my dp in the festive period.

hmmmm, actually you have a point..if youre seeing dp's family for new year you should get to see yours for christmas......what about boxing day at his mother instead? as a small make an effort but not the big day itself?
thing is; fix it/sort it/accept it NOW as the months are running away with us and it will be christmas before we know it, and you cant exactly change plans the day before.
i hope you reach some compromise you both like.

i wouldnt want to go either brozzer and would advise that you should do what you want as a family. Maybe as Jan suggests she could well learn a lot from this !