In law issues now I've had DD

[neptunesdaughter]

My DD is 6 weeks old and we are doing fine. I love my DH so much but I'm having a bit of an issue with his parents now that I've had DD. She is their first GC.

When she was born, they came to stay for two nights straight after we got home (they live far away so a short visit isn't really possible although they should have stayed in a B&B). I had agreed to this when pregnant and not really knowing what it would be like after giving birth. It was horrendous. They kept taking my daughter off me when I just wanted to sit in bed and bond with her. Told me that she needed to be away from me. Wrapped her in about 10 layers of blankets and made her sleep and wouldn't give her back to me when I asked. Consequuently I was a state - especially as this was the day my milk came in and I was desperate to have her with me. I now don't trust them and don't want them anywhere near me or her.

They have been here since Monday and are staying til boxing day. (again this was agreed months ago and I had no idea how I would feel). I am pretty much staying in my room and not coming out. They have taken over my flat and are using all my stuff, eating my food and I feel angry, isolated and - this is extreme - violated. I want them to go - I want to wash all my things and I feel angry and upset about the whole situation.

They keep trying to take my daughter from me when I'm feeding (she feeds a lot admittedly but she wants to!). My MIL keeps talking about feeding her baby rice so she goes longer between feed - in other words so she can hold her! She's 6 weeks old - there is no way I would give her baby rice.

My DH knows I feel like this and is torn - he can't get rid of them as he says we invited them to stay ~(I see his point) but he doesn't realise how I feel.

What do I do? I feel trapped. I don't ever want to see them again and I don't want them to go anywhere near my baby. I am almost ignoring them and won't letting them touch my daughter but they just want to come and stare at her to whole time (when I'm trying to breast feed - I feel very uncomfortable about them looking at me). I know I'm being unreasonable but it's like an instinct.

Help

Look her in the eyes - say firmly and slowly "This is my baby, not yours, and you need to leave us alone" or "You are making me uncomfortable please go and sit over there" repeat ad infinitum - do not get cross, do not get upset stay polite and create the boundaries

Poor you - it sounds difficult

Oh you poor thing.

Remember, you are in control. They are only with you a few more days, hold tight to your DD and be firm about your parenting, tell them you prefer to feed alone as you feel uncomfortable.

You know there is nothing wrong with loads of feeding at that age, and that solids are madness - be strong! You can make it!

you have to put your foot down now ,otherwise you are going to lose it.
I know what it's like, but I think I would calmly and firmly say something like "i need to do things my way, I'm sure you understand, being a mother yourself"
is it just the mil? how is the fil?

Or your DH should back you up and tell them.
the babyrice thing is just stupid, I would say loudly, she is only having milk until 6months, that's the guidelines.

hopefully you will just need to be assertive once and they will get it

good luck, i really sympathise

Oh, that's just awful. I really feel for you and completely understand how you feel.

Be firm. As Activate and JointheDots have said - dd is your baby and you are in charge.

And never allow them to stay so soon after giving birth again. I really feel for you.

you have my sympathies.

Firstly, she is your baby and what works for you is what is best. As a new mum it is hard to stand up to people who appear to want to take over, so as these are your ILs it needs to be up to your dh to stand up to them and say "look, we are not going to be giving solids, breastfed babies are feeding a lot at this age, and does not want you snatching her baby at every turn.

Secondly, while I know it's hard, do bear in mind that this is their first grandchild, and a lot of what they are doing is most probably just over excitement iyswim - they want to be a part of her life too and have a relationship with her; they really don't mean her any harm, and your mil is probably from the old school of parenting where putting a teaspoon of baby rice in a bottle was a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

Your dh is right - you did invite them and can't really ask them to leave, but as long as your dh sets some boundaries you should be able to come to a compromise.

They are your dd's grandparents and will hopefully have a long relationship with her in the future. These early days are difficult but it will get better I promise.

Oh you poor poor thing. I had very similar when I had my first DD 12 years ago.

MIL just wanted my baby all the time and would make up any old crap in order to get her hands on her. I felt so much liek you describe and it was awful. To this day I do not think my husband really understands how horrendous it was.

If I had my time again I would have been firmer and more blunt about what was and was not OK. But at the time I did not feel confident enough in my parenting (totally naive and green) to do this.

I think all you can do is count to 10 be polite but firm but keep repeating what you need to in order to get your message across much as activate above describes.

You are half way through their visit now so unless you are going to have a total - meltdown and demand they leave - you only have a few more days to get through.

Coping tactics I used to use during my inlaws long ardous visits were going out and meeting friends from antenatal/mums and tots. Even going to sit in the library or a cafe in town on my own - just get away from them and claim some "ME space with my DD". This is not ideal and near impossible for Xmas day itself but perhaps, today (even Tesco cafe this evening maybe) and tomorrow if you feel the need to escape - you can for an hour or 2.

Try delegating jobs onto them if you can like peeling the spuds etc - although if they are like my Ils they would grab the baby and tell me they would look after baby and I could do the spuds! .

I am so so sorry for you because I know how hellish you feel. To be honest 12 years on an I still can get upset at myself because I did not handle the situation how I now wish I had.

What you need to do after this visit - however it ends, is explain very seriously to your DP/DH exactly how shit you feel and make sure they are NEVER invited again to stay in your actual home.

The other bit of advice I would give is to start now as you mean to carry on. It will get easier as your DD grows but you need to start setting boundaries on what is acceptable and not acceptable in your home and with regard to their actions to towards you and your DD.

You are not over reacting - do not let anyone tell you that you are.

Thinking of you.

I think VERY firm boundaries have to be set.

If you do not like it tell them no sorry's etc etc.

It makes me feel uncomfortable please leave.

We will not be giving foods till 6 months, please do not suggest it again.

Close the conversation down do not encourage a challenge to your authority as her mother.

Yes the are now GP's but they now need to learn their GP role and keeping a bf baby away from it's mum is NOT IT!!!!

Your Dh needs to step up.

I would also reiterate Snowqueen's suggestions here re both of you now setting firm boundaries re the ILs. Both of you need to put on a united front towards these people.

This is also a control issue; they want to control and have acted thoughtlessly throughout at the very least within your home. They actually did not need to stay in your flat at all; they wanted to and they got what they wanted.

Your DH now needs to speak with them firmly although he may well find that difficult to do. Is your DH somewhat in awe of/frightened of his parents?. His primary loyalty is to you now; not them. He needs to remember that.

If these people refuse to help out constructively or want to compromise your DH must tell them to leave.

Agree with others who say the early days with ILs in these situations can be really difficult. It will improve as your DD gets older - there is less disagree over and once they are toddlers, they have minds of their own anyway.

Clearly they shouldn't be trying to take the baby off you, shouldn't be talking about feeding her solids etc - but it is probably overexcitement etc. It is utterly horrible to experience as a new mum though. My MIL came, when I was very shaky following the first of DS and said "can I do anything to help". i said "could you clean the bath & sink" and she said, "no, I'll hold the baby" (who was a few days old and trying to breastfeed). Mil also told me not to breastfeed, refused to give me a lift to the docs when my car broke down etc etc - it did take me a couple of years to put behind me numerous incidents when DS was a baby.

It could create a difficult future asking them to leave but your DH needs to try and get a better understanding of how you are feeling (which sounds perfectly normal) and shield you from them until they leave.

Lock your bedroom door, or put a chair against the handle. Tell your husband he MUST tell them to leave you AND your daughter alone.

This is yours and your husbands baby, not theirs.

Take very length afternoon naps in your room with the tv on and the door well and truely secured!

Op and Snowqueen - your posts really struck a chord with me. 9 months on I still get all anxious and yucky before I see ILs and obsess about it way too much. it really damaged something and they are so oblivious it's up to me to put right what they broke.
DH will not talk to them about it and just thanks me for being understanding. I could work harder at telling him how I feel though. Maybe I will on our 3 hour trip tonight!
I wish I'd got my DH totally on side earlier basically and advise us both to do it now :)
Good luck. Boxing Day will come sooner than you think.

Firstly come out of the bedroom. It is your home and you shouldn't feel forced to stay locked away in order to keep the peace. The first few months (years in my case!) are nearly always 'challenging', plus your hormones will still be all over the place.

Im not suggesting that you are wrong to be angry with your mil. but maybe just a bit sensitive. Ignore any daft comments about baby rice, and be firm in what you want to do with your baby. Maybe letting mil hold her while you do some things for yourself, nice long bath, etc.

The novelty for your mil will slowly wear off a bit, and she might be worth her weight in gold when your dd gets older and you need a babysitter.

Now get out of that bedroom and make yourself known!!

My DD is 12 days old and my mum is staying with us, I had to tell her to stop staring at me when I was breastfeeding, she was staring with a demented smile, she said I just think it's lovely, I said well you're making me uncomfortable. She is staying for 4 weeks (we live abroad) and it's the biggest mistke I ever made, and it's my own mother...........I just take to my bedroom and snuggle up with DD, I also have two DS's, we all snuggle and watch movies just to have some down time from nana. You never get these weeks back and overbearing parents can spoil them........be firm. x

Two days, three nights to go!

Can you break it down into chunks?

Tomorrow: Could your DH get theatre/ cinema tickets for tomorrow and take his parents out to lunch followed by cinema/ theatre then pick up take away something slam in the oven for tea? He's in an awkward situation but they're his parents and he should be able to manoeuvre them out of your hair for four or five hours for your sanity.

Post tea could you then lock yourself in the bathroom for a long soak?

Xmas day is harder but could they all go out on a walk for an hour or two so you know there will be a stage when you can relax and put your feet up?

For Xmas day could you write a long list of all the jobs that need doing and divide them up so their is less of an opportunity for the visitors to interfere with you?

It does get easier and ground rules do get set. I've bitten my tongue so hard on occasion that I've actually made it bleed.

I totally sympathise...MIL came to stay within days of DD1 being born, ostensibly to help me though as DH is her only child and DD1 her first GC, all she wanted to do was cuddle her. I was having terrible trouble with bf but was so relieved that I got that time alone with her as otherwise I don't think that I would have been allowed to hold her at all.

I started to resent her presence, especially after she asked if she could come and stay once a month; it's not much comfort to you now I'm sure but relations have really improved since a) she worked out that I am doing things my way, b) my mother 'mentioned' to her that she would never dream of offering me advice but would just wait to be asked (thanks Mum! ) and c) we had DD2 so her hands on approach actually helps as there is only a 14 month age gap so she's good for changing nappies/feeding etc.

Stand your ground, tell your DH how you feel and enjoy your new baby!

I know exactly how you feel.

I can't really advise, since I would take to my bed until they had left, but I do think your DH should be taking them out places, sending them on errands, inventing jobs (laundry, washing up, cooking, loo-scrubbing ) so they can be "helpful" and they'll be busy away from you and your baby.

Let them take the baby for the odd walk so you can have a shower etc (and they feel involved) but tell your DH to go with them and to make sure they are back by a certain time.

It's fair enough for you to be quite controlling on this - aside from everything else your instincts will be screaming at you to protect your baby. I practically growled at FIL when DD1 was newborn for this reason .

If MIL keeps blathering about baby rice tell her that doctors strongly recommend that babies are not fed baby rice for 6 months and there is clear evidence that feeding a baby that stuff at 6 weeks will do it damage. Then tell her that since you and DH have to live with the consequences of your decisions, you would rather not play fast and loose with your baby's health. That'll probably do the job.

And can you invite some of your family or friends round for a bit to dilute the effect?

your dh needs to set some boundaries - e.g.

-your room is out of bounds to anyone except you (then you can escape with your dd),

-you will give the baby to them to hold when you want to - they need to wait. (in return I think you should let them hold her sometimes).

-they need to give you space when you are breastfeeding.

Going out for at least one long walk/coffee a day will help you - even if they go with you. I think you will fee enclosed staying in each day.

Ignore them if they make stupid comments aobut babyrice.

Congratulations!

I really sympathise, it's awful to feel like this in your own home :( I think you should not let them in your room - and your DH should tell them this and enforce it - you need to have some privacy to breastfeed and just have some time on your own with your baby.

And they need to understand that she's your baby, not a doll for them to cuddle - if you don't want them to hold/touch/feed her, then they don't get to, and they don't have any right to be offended. I am really at some of the things you mention, like saying a baby a few days old 'needs to be away from you', giving rice to a 6-week old baby. I really wouldn't worry about offending them, they clearly don't care about upsetting you and invading your privacy. It sounds almost as though they don't see you as a person in your own right, just an inconvenient obstacle between them and 'their' grandchild. Very unpleasant.

Oh, poor you. I can remember a friend who told me she hated people picking up her ds without permission. What did she do? Came straight in, walked over to the carrycot and picked up dd without so much as a byasyouleave. I was completely shocked.

Also, she had offered to be with me at the hospital - dh felt very pressured to be there and didn't know if he could. 2 days before my due date she flew to Chicago for 5 weeks.

The 'best' comment I had was from another friend who said that she couldn't understand why I was breastfeeding as you couldn't see how much dd was getting, and so you wouldn't know if she had had enough - as if babies are pre-programmed to take 5oz every 4 hours. Just thought I'd warn you, in case you haven't had the comment yet.

Enjoy your baby inbetween mil times, and hope you manage to get them out of the house a few times.

I justed wanted to say I've been through it too- my DS1 was first GC too.it's hard but I found it best take to a deep breath, grit my teeth and say sweetly " mmm thanks for the advice, I'll think about it but what I'm doing suits me now " helped - it stopped the constant flow of unwanted advice from MIL but SEEMED like I was taking it on board. She took badly against me breastfeeing, co sleeping, wanting to hold baby etc.. infact she used to organise who was going to hold the baby and for how long
Thankfully 5 grandchildren later she has calmed considerably
Before you have babies no one ever tells you how hard it can be with your inlaws!

I understand how you feel and know you need a lot of time alone with your baby, but surely there must be SOME time in the day when your husband and the baby's grandparents can be with her? You have already bonded with the baby and she needs to bond too with the rest of her family.

After you have fed her, why not ask your MIL if she'd like to hold her whilst you have a bath. Then after your bath, take the baby back.

It's so lovely to hold a new baby and if it's their first grandchild, it's a very special time for them, too. Look down at your daughter now and think how much you will love her children.

Try to be kind to them. There are so many vile in-laws around; all these two are guilty of is loving your child.

OP I know how you feel, though thankfully my PILs didn't come and stay with us (they live very nearby though).

DD1 was PILs first grandchild and they went totally gaga over her- irritated the hell out of me.

Also as I couldn't BF I was feeling like a massive failure, and MIL and FIL kept snatching DD1 from me whenever she cried, as if I wasn't good enough to comfort my own child. (I realise they were trying to help, but that's how I felt).

I tried to tell DH how I felt and he just didn't get it. I was hurting myself when in PILs company as I just couldn't vent my feelings any other way (I didn't know how to say what I was feeling). Also I was in the midst of a bout of depression which made things so much worse.

I had DD2 12 months after DD1 and I didn't feel as anxious around PILs with my second newborn. I also felt a little bit more assertive, and much more confident in my own parenting.

I actually get on really well with MIL now difficult to believe but things improved a lot as the girls got older (they are 3 and 2) and I relaxed into parenting. So it does get better with time honestly.

I'd try to set out some times where it's just you and the baby, and then delegate some tasks to PILs- eg let them watch her while you shower/bathe/nap etc, let them take her for a walk for half an hour or so. Let your DH entertain his parents too to give you a break.

Only a couple of days to get through now!

You and/or your DH need to speak to them and explain the situation in the nicest possible way.

Perhaps your DH could say something to them like: 'Its great having you here, but you've probably noticed that DW is feeling really tired, and would appreciate plenty of time to herself whilst she rests and feeds baby.'

And then get your DH to suggest some outings such as food shopping, or tell them to feel free to go out for the afternoon and have a break, as you would probably all appreciate a bit of space. Trick is to be very nice about it, but with a clear message!