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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Re-awakened libido - HELP!

33 replies

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 23/12/2010 10:16

Posted a while back, met a guy who turned out to be a real shit but we had the MOST amazing sex - only one night of it mind which wasn't my intention and not seeing him now. But he's re-ignited my dormant libido, for which I'm very grateful :)

I always thought I was looking for something long-term but this has made me re-evaluate. I'm early 50s, divorced, well set-up financially, attractive and have a gorgeous DD. So I don't need a man for a lot of things. But what this had made me realise after months of being celibate, is how much I love sex. It's the old use it or lose it thing I suppose. I'm not into one-night stands, rather I'd like a part-time relationship involving loads of sex with someone I really like and respect and where we treat eachother with kindness and consideration. He could be considerably younger than me, that wouldn't worry me.

I just feel like I'm on fire at the moment and have gained great inspiration from reading Jane Juska's Round-Heeled Woman again. Has anyone else been in this situation? Am I deluding myself that an arrangement like this could work? I've been a serial long-term monogamist for years with a couple of interludes when I went a bit mad before I had my daughter. I don't want to spend the next few years celibate and I've given up trying to find a new life partner (and believe me I've tried!). Any tips on how to find something like this?

OP posts:

JaquiChan · 23/12/2010 10:28

Have a look in Lone Parents, there is a thread about f**buddys. I have put a profile on Plenty of Fish for an "other relationship", as you can no doubt imagine I have had a lot of responses .

Will watch this thread with interest.

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 23/12/2010 10:41

Oooh, a partner in crime...

Thanks for the link Jaqui, have you met anyone?

OP posts:

JaquiChan · 23/12/2010 10:50

hehe. Only put profile up couple of days ago and am not planning on arranging a meet up til new year, busy, busy and all.

I have made it quite clear that I am looking for a lover as opposed to a one night, one off shag. I am obviously going to be extremely fussy and picky in any choices including whom I reply to. You will get loads of emails on PoF, it is just the selection/weeding process that will take time. Which part of the country are you in?

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 23/12/2010 10:51

Just read the thread on lone-parents, glad I'm not the only one. But I do seem to be the only really old bird thinking about this!

But perhaps that's a good thing - I heard the wonderful Jane Juska say that with post-menopausal women, there were no rules...Apart from probably avoiding married men, which I would do anyway because I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, and always being careful.

OP posts:

JaquiChan · 23/12/2010 10:54

Ah go for it...nothing to lose, potentially a lot to gain!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 13:30

I just wanted to wish you good luck and happy hunting x

If DH and I ever split (not planning on it, btw), this is what I would be doing.

JaquiChan · 23/12/2010 13:37

I have arrived....an endorsement from AnyFucker .

Butterbur · 23/12/2010 13:40

Early fifties is NOT "a really old bird". Speaking as someone of about the same age. If you were in your seventies, I might not quibble, but fifties is still early middle aged. Go for it and have some fun. People mainly regret what they didn't do.

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 13:56

I can't offer any experience, other than I am the same age. I have got single /divorced friends who are same age as you.

I utterly understand where you are coming from ( or not!) but just wonder.....

if you are fussy- which you are- how likely is it that you are going to met a man who a) ticks all the boxes b) is happy to be a p/t fuck buddy (let's be frank here) and c) won't want more and fall for you- or visa versa?

It IS possible if you are brutally honest at the start, but I suspect the men who this will appeal to might be in stale marriages and wanting a fling, or commitment-phobes.

I suppose the point I am making is that no relationship stands still. You sound like the kind of person who needs an emotional element in any sexual encounter...so what happens next?

I think to have a FB you have to be able to take them or leave them, not expect exclusivity or permanence- and they have to feel the same.

If you simply want sex, you can hire an escort- seriously.

If you want sex with respect and liking and expect a man to feel the same but leave it at that- hmmmmm- i think that's a whole lot harder and potentially will cause hurt with one of you wanting more.

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 23/12/2010 14:23

Totally accept what you're saying PP. And the answer is I have no idea until I go there. The guy I shagged had sex with last week hasn't upset me (after the initial disappointment)and I can just view it as an amazing sexual experience. It's his loss, not mine.

The alternative is not an option I don't think, and that is to remain celibate. I would never hire an escort either, I'd rather just use my rabbit. I did do something like this when younger; I had the most amazing FB who I really liked and he liked me. It worked and we're still friends to this day.

I think I'm just going to be really open-minded about what may or may not happen; maybe I'll have a short-term fling, maybe I'll meet someone who surprises me and I can see a future with....

I just don't know. It's what Butterbur says, I don't want to regret what I didn't do. I've had a very eventful life and always managed to pick myself up when I got knocked down. I just can't imagine accepting that I have to accept a life without sex...

OP posts:

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 14:40

I imagine that you will be a lot of men's dreams- no strings sex.

I do remember your other thread though and you were really cut up about the guy who dumped you- if you are the same poster I think you are.

I don't think what you want is wrong, and I suspect that what will happen is that after deciding you aren't going to meet anyone who will become a permanent partner, that is exactly what will in fact happen! It always does when you stop looking!

I just think you should be aware that men have feelings too- and if you are so sure about not wanting a relationship, you must say so.

You can legislate about emotions though- so no matter what you think you want, say you want- and the men too- anything can happen. Just don't get hurt or hurt anyone else.

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 23/12/2010 14:49

Thanks PP. I always try not to hurt other people but am so used to getting hurt myself it doesn't seem to hurt as much anymore! (if that makes sense).

I do agree that openess and honesty and what you're looking for is a must.

OP posts:

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 15:23

Everso- you seem to be coming at this in a bit of a defensive mode. Don't undersell yourself. If what you really want is a relationship, set your sights high, not low.
Don't think that the only way you can have sex is by offering yourself on a plate to a man who wants only that- and pretending to yourself that is all you want. You soundas if you are trying to convince us and yourself that you don't need a man, but there is no need to go to the other extreme and decide all you want is the occasional pleasant shag.

I just don't have the impression that you are a no strings woman, and I feel you might get badly hurt by men who are simply looking for no strings and have rather complicated set ups- or are very promiscuous.

You have been hurt but that doesn't mean it's all over for you in the relationship dept- you have another 30 years aead of you at least.

GraceAwayInAManger · 23/12/2010 18:44

"Really old bird" hahahahahahahaaaa!!!!!

My mother, who is 80, is on her third relationship of this nature. She was 70 when Dad died, got the first one on the go about a year later. He turned out to be married. The second one, who was very funny & kind, died after 3 years. Number 3 is absolutely wonderful, is 85 and lives in Mum's village.

She met 1 and 2 on Match. She ruthlessly ensnared no.3 within a few months of moving to the village.

Feeling encouraged?

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 23/12/2010 20:50

Yes, very much so Grace! Your mum sounds awesome.

PP, thank you so much for taking an interest. I suppose for me, at my age, it's
all about compromise and knowing there are no
living happily everafters. I want some passion and joy in the present and I really believe I can handle whatever life throws at me.

I suppose I'm a risk-taker and that might be unwise but I can't just do nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 23/12/2010 20:51

and Grace, how did your wonderful mum "ruthlessly ensare" her current beau?

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purplepeony · 23/12/2010 21:09

I don't get this!
I am your age and have a divorced friend of 60 ( twice divorced actually) and an ex boyfriend who is 3 x divorced ( he is 55) and both are still up for life long happiness!

If DH and I split- which is not totally out of the question (but that's another story) there is no way I would give up on the idea of meeting anyone else.

why are you negative about the chance of a relationship?

Like Grace described, we had a friend whose mum had 2 partners after she widowed in her late 60s/70s and the men were older than her! met at tea dances.

you are not old! many, many people start over in their 50s and 60s and most women these day slook as good at 50+ as previous generations did at 40 -if they have taken care of themselves which i am sure you have.

GraceAwayInAManger · 23/12/2010 21:17

Can't answer your question, Dubious, as I've never asked (the "ruthless" epithet came from her other village friends!) She imparts way too much information already ...

She is a massive flirt. I imagine she plied him with damson jam, asked him to manfully fix her petrol mower - you know the sort of thing

there are no living happily everafters
Huh? Really?? Damn!

PP, could you send your pals my way please??

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 22:02

Grace- do you want the man or the woman?

GraceAwayInAManger · 23/12/2010 22:05

I'll just settle for mince pies right now.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 22:26

you rang...

GraceAwayInAManger · 23/12/2010 22:28

JaquiChan · 24/12/2010 11:05

Dubious...got that profile up yet? I have pm'd you.

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 24/12/2010 14:42

Thanks JC, have replied.

PP, it's not that I'm not up for a life partner, it's just that I really think it's unlikely. Maybe that's cynical but I think I'm just being realistic.

I am open to it but I'm not going to go looking for it anymore. And it doesn't preclude me from wanting passion and sex in my life, even if it is on a part or short-term basis.

OP posts:

PrettyFeckinFairyLights · 24/12/2010 18:47

I am late 40's (tut-tut to you saying "old bird") and have joined Match recently and was amazed at the amount of younger men that have contacted me. Not sure if I want to take any of them further but it sure is a confidence booster.

And just think of the SEX!!!

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