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Original poster

How do you deal with being well-off atm and the inevitable guilt?

42 replies

Ormirian · 23/12/2010 08:52

First time ever DH and I are both earning a good whack. For years I was the main earner - DH earned nothing (student and unemployed) or peanuts and worked shifts of long hours. We have money for the first time ever. We've moved in to a bigger house, nicer area. We are giving our family a really special christmas with a bit of spoiling going on

Problem is I feel guilty. So many of our friends are going though hard times. At least 2 we know of are losing their jobs in the NY, several are self-employed (builders) and the work has dried to a trickle. One of them came over on Monday night to deliver her DD for a sleepover - everything she looked at she would point out and say 'of course this year we're having to cut back' and 'with things as they are we can't afford to do that' etc. I ended up feeling like I needed to apologise

How to cope with this? I feel desperately sorry for people in dire straits but how do I stop feeling guilty?

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 23/12/2010 08:54

chrstimas is a good time to give to charity or help out for a charity

Original poster

Ormirian · 23/12/2010 08:55

Do that. I give every month. Could look into volunteering.

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 23/12/2010 08:56

you dont have to spoil your dc's though.
i understand how you want to.
you might be in the same boat at some point.

Original poster

Ormirian · 23/12/2010 08:57

I've been in the same boat slarty. That is why this is such a novelty

OP posts:

belgo · 23/12/2010 08:58

Don't feel guilty, and don't apologise to your friends.

Everyone has ups and downs in life, appreciate what you have now.

roundthehouses · 23/12/2010 09:00

Don´t feel guilty. Give what you can to charity every month. My boss earns tons more than I do and lives the associated lifestyle. She doesn´t chuck it in my face but its there. Why should she apologise to me for doing well? She also works a million times harder than me and has all of the associated stress. I wouldn´t swap our lives for the world.

Of course we´d all like to have more or not go through hard times but if people make you feel bad for being in a better position that is their problem. i am happy for my friends if they are doing well. Enjoy your xmas.

LizzyLordsALeaping · 23/12/2010 09:00

I think all you can do is be discreet and not boast about spending etc (not that you would, am sure).
Invite them round for a meal instead of suggesting going out, that sort of thing.

Enjoy your good fortune, sounds like you know what they are going through, just remember how you felt when others around you had more.

rookiemater · 23/12/2010 09:02

Provided you have done what you can and donate to charity, don't rub peoples faces in it,make sure people don't feel obliged to respond to expensive presents then I would just have the best christmas you can.

As you say you have had financial hardship in the past and who knows what the future brings ( sorry to be doom harbinger) then you should enjoy it.

Also whilst feel a bit sorry for your DD's friends mum, it was a bit unnecessary of her and slightly rude to point out the difference in your finances, particularly as you were putting her DD up for a sleepover.

pippibluestocking · 23/12/2010 09:05

Enjoy it OmIrian. If the mother dropping around the sleepover child knew of your circumstances, I think it was a bit unreasonable of her to put the dampers on allowing you to enjoy your good fortune. Bet she wasn't feeling guilty when the situation was reversed.

upahill · 23/12/2010 09:05

At the moment we are reasonably well off.

I do not feel guilty about this at all.
The reason is I know full well nothing stays the same for ever whether it is good bad or indifferent.

A few years ago we were really skint and had baliffs knocking on our door and we couldn't sleep at night with the stress.

Things are very good at the moment but in a couple of months I face the real possibility of losing my job.

We are in the same boat as thousands of other people and you may be the same in a year or so.

Never gloat or feel smug about your circumstances because you can't read the future.

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 23/12/2010 09:10

I agree - dont' feel guilty - especially with roundthehouses last paragraph. I've never been any better off in my life than "comfortable" with a reasonable household income. It's life. Yes it's crap when it all goes on tits up (thankfully even though I'm on benefits now it's not as bad as it was in the past - especially the year we tried to set up our business) but you deal with it.

And tbh - so long as you're not shoving it in their faces by bragging about it (which i very VERY much doubt you are) I'm sure most of them won't mind. And if they do - well there's not really anything you can do about it

Enjoy your Christmas .

Sherbert37 · 23/12/2010 09:20

It sounds like you have a healthy attitude to your good fortune. Life certainly does go in circles for some. I have been ok financially then struggling after separation and loss of hours at work.

However, it is my DCs who will suffer most from this. The are all teenagers and about to go to university. We had saved for them but this money got given to ex to allow me to stay in the house. So they now have to fund themselves through university. I feel so bad about this as I am a sensible person and thought I was preparing for their futures.

So what I am trying to say is make sure you save for your DCs. They will need it even more that we do I am sure. Enjoy a happy Christmas.

domeafavour · 23/12/2010 09:20

Don't feel guilty. You have been there and thankfully gotten out.
It's really unfortunate for people when it is taken out if their hands ie redundancy, but don't feel like it's your fault, it's not
enjoy your lovely Christmas. And there is nothing wrong with spoiling your children every now and then.
However, I hope this thread doesn't go wrong, they tend to!

Pinkjenny · 23/12/2010 09:22

I wouldn't feel guilty at all. I agree with Baroq - as long as you're not rubbing their faces in it, which I'm quite sure you would never do.

Enjoy it, it sounds like you deserve it.

TrillianAstra · 23/12/2010 09:23

"everything she looked at she would point out and say 'of course this year we're having to cut back' and 'with things as they are we can't afford to do that' etc"

That doesn't sound very polite - sounds as if she was trying to make you feel guilty.

You shouldn't feel guilty - you have done nothing wrong.

If your income has increased noticeably then make sure you are putting plenty aside - if you live on what you used to earn + half or 3/4 of the extra, and put the rest into savings you will be prepared for the time (which hopefully will never come) when it is you who is unlucky.

Plumm · 23/12/2010 09:23

Don't feel guilty - you've been through the bad times and are now enjoying some stability. Your wealth has no impact on that of your friend's, if you were poor she would still be in the position she's in now.

hairyfairylights · 23/12/2010 09:24

I don't feel guilty. I worked on less than min wage for years and have worked hard for my good fortune. I regularly donate to charity and I help my loved ones out. I work hard and the work I do is of social benefit.

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 23/12/2010 09:36

actually TA makes a good point about her comments. That's quite rude. All my friends are better off than me, and mostly always will be (the "career" I have hopefully planned in the future isn't exactly a high earning potential one ) yes I may have a moan about my circumstances (a general one - and most of my friends have been where I am now in their past) but would never dwell on it pointing out things at a friends house saying "oh I can't afford to do that".

Of course the year I was a nosey bugger and asked one of my friends what she'd got for her kids - and she duly showed me (well I did ask and I was at her house at the time) I did go home and feel a bit = but it didn't last - and when she showed me - I was actually happy for her and her DC and didn't make coments about how it was much more than I could even dream of getting for mine.

Now - stop feeling guilty - and if you're anything like me - go and finish getting ready for Christmas - as my DS's have just pointed out "only 2 more sleeps"

beijingaling · 23/12/2010 09:45

Your friend is quite rude and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Good for you for getting to a comfortable place financially and donating to charity.

I'm sure you wouldn't but as others have said invite people to dinner, don't suggest trips or going out. You don't need to apologise for working hard and doing well.

Sorry to be boring but hope you've also got a savings plan in place so you can remain in a comfortable place if (god forbid) anything went wrong!

venusandchristmars · 23/12/2010 09:52

Lots of good suggestions already on here - if you want to do something practical to help friends then be sensitive to their situations without making them feel that thay are a charity case - so suggest a long walk in a local country park (free) but you could pick them up and drive them there. Or invite people round for wine and cheese and ask them to bring specific low cost things like the biscuits for the cheese or a tub of olives (you could pay for the wine of you felt generous).

One couple I know saved one seventh of their income, then every 4 years they took six months off (negotiated unpaid leave with their employers) and did a big volunteering project. They said they did not notice the drop in their income and the saved enough to 'pay' themselves at the same level.

I also think that money only works for people if it is flowing round the system. I am self-employed, and I am grateful that there are others who are in a fortunate position, because then they want to but my services / products and the money flows to me. Then I can pay for other things and the money flows to them. I'd feel more guilt if I was 'hoarding' money (just holding on to it guiltily rather than saving / spending on a specific purpose) because then it does no good for anyone.

Enjoy.

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 23/12/2010 09:56

good point there venus - those that are spending more money in the shops on Christmas stuff (especially in the smaller/independent shops) are keeping their profits up, keeping people in jobs, who in turn will be able to spend money elsewhere.

Xales · 23/12/2010 10:19

She sounds a little mean to be honest and jealous. Sounds like she deliberately wanted you to feel bad. A true friend would be really pleased that you were finally out of a difficult place and that things were better for you.

They wouldn't go around making you feel bad.

Do you think all the times you had little or nothing she was feeling guilty about you?

foxinsocks · 23/12/2010 10:23

For a start, there are always people who are far better off than you and I'm sure they aren't feeling guilty :-)

As someone else said, life is a series of ups and downs. Eventually you'll get to the age where you realise you should just enjoy the ups and learn to work through the downs!

foxinsocks · 23/12/2010 10:27

And I'm sure your friend didn't mean to make you feel that way

It is spectacularly hard when you hit bad financial times at Christmas - I'm sure she was just trying to make herself feel less shit about the fact that she'd had to cut back herself so that if you came round to hers you weren't thinking, bloody hell, they don't really do Christmas! Some people feel the need to explain things like that even if you know already!

sfxmum · 23/12/2010 10:28

No guilt, guilt is pointless and often a destructive negative feeling, things come and go, good kind attentive friendships stay,
it is not about what you have or do not have
for whatever reason
imo

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