How do you deal with being well-off atm and the inevitable guilt?

[Ormirian]

First time ever DH and I are both earning a good whack. For years I was the main earner - DH earned nothing (student and unemployed) or peanuts and worked shifts of long hours. We have money for the first time ever. We've moved in to a bigger house, nicer area. We are giving our family a really special christmas with a bit of spoiling going on

Problem is I feel guilty. So many of our friends are going though hard times. At least 2 we know of are losing their jobs in the NY, several are self-employed (builders) and the work has dried to a trickle. One of them came over on Monday night to deliver her DD for a sleepover - everything she looked at she would point out and say 'of course this year we're having to cut back' and 'with things as they are we can't afford to do that' etc. I ended up feeling like I needed to apologise

How to cope with this? I feel desperately sorry for people in dire straits but how do I stop feeling guilty?

fox - of course she didn't mean to make me feel bad, it was just the way it came out. I think she was upset for he DD.

BTW the company I work for gave an even less optimistic than usual end of year statement with 'employee meetings' scheduled for the NY. So I am not 100% secure, and DH is a teacher so again, no guarantees there.

Why feel guilty?

DH and I had periods of good fortune, and right now we're having a tight patch. Sooner or later things will turn around for us and someone else will have the tight patch.

Or if rates go up too much we'll all be buggered... (don't forget to put some of your money away for a rainy day ).

How would I deal with it ???!!!

I'd spend the bugger and spend it well

Eh dont be such a smug arse about it?

Oh Orm, you always come across as such as thoughtful person when you post!

So glad to hear things are going well for you and your family ATM. No point at all in beating yourself up about it. You are being a v. daft cow.

We have similar issues, to the point that I've not sent any Xmas cards at all and am actively avoiding contact with a lot of old friends.

We have been so accustomed to being seen as the poor relations/charming but feckless bohemians/well-meaning but useless leftie old hippies/ - that we've discovered folk are very resistant to the idea of us being happy and productive, with no immediate financial worries.

We now live with my 82 yr old mum, I'm at Uni full time (at the age of 49), DH is slowly picking up more work, DS is gradually settling into a new school, life isn't quite as fraught as it was a year ago.

But - Aged Mama is developing Alzheimers, and DS was diagnosed with Aspergers this year. We live in a lovely big house in a beautiful city (on my mum's charity) but we have NO savings, pensions or long term security etc. Appearances are deceptive.

Just help out where you can. The most important thing you can offer is a genuine perspective on how tough life can be, and some practical advice.

Your "friend" sounds like a rather miserable person BTW. She's probably having a v. tough time, and not trying to guilt-trip you.

I really hope you have a great Xmas - you deserve it. Hope your parents are keeping well too!

"Eh dont be such a smug arse about it?"

Hey merry christmas to you too pink4ever

Thanks mrsflitter - I think 'charming but feckless' probably covered it!

Why do you feel guilty?

Enjoy what you have, you never know how long it is going to last.

Give generously of your money/time if you can afford to.

Sorted.

Apologies orm-Having seen some of the other posts on here I think I got
the tone of your thread wrong.

No problem I expect I did sound smug.

remeber to give generously to your friends while you can - invite them round for dinner, buy their children nice pressies (but obviously not OTT) etc
one of my good friends gets gift vouchers for chester zoo for people -nobody ever complains she is showing off.
offer your outgrown baby clutter/clothes to those who might want it.
don't be smug, just share your good fortune - 'this christmas we are getting you this, because you are special to us' - you might not manage it in the future as you say, and generosity keeps good friendships.

nah - I don't think you sounded smug, you sound like someone who knows that you're doing ok (well maybe better than "ok" - but ykwim ) at the moment who was all to aware of the fact that many people around you aren't having such an easy time and were feeling awkward about it (not uprisings given your friends comments).

Don't feel guilty! My DH and I have worked HARD to get where we are and although I only work very part time hours now, we still work and make the effort to save etc so we can do some nicer things.

Some of our friends can do the same thing "oh booked your holiday? Oh we might manage camping next year hollow laugh" but I point out that we over paid our mortgage pre-children so its tiny now, we don't upgrade our car to the next biggest yummy mummy mobile every 3 years, we don't have to have every gadget known to mankind and fancy labels in our clothes.....

The ones in genuine dire straits, I do little things like take them out to lunch every so often, have them over for a meal, spend a little more on "treat-like" presents for christmas and birthdays and of course, we donate to charities.

Don't feel guilty though, I think most of us have been through hard times, or enforced hard times to make sure we can afford XYZ....

I think the guilt and the fact you remember another way of life is a positive thing, actually, and will ensure you deal with those who have less sensitively.
If I was your friend I'd feel happy for you.

I have an Uncle with family who is either a multi millionaire or soo skint they are nearly homeless (relying on family charity)...it goes in roughly 7 year cycles for him...when he is up its great fun-flash holidays & cars & v generous...when they are down its truly awful...
what Im trying to say is enjoy it, as it might not last forever (but please save for the inevitable rainy day.

Dont feel guilty, there are loads you can do if you want to help.

Invite them found for dinner
Go over and visit them them accidently on purpose stay too long and order in.

If I have a spare 20 that I can give I hide it one of thier coat pockets when they are not looking.

Invite thier kids on a day out when you take yours out so they dont feel as though they are missing out.

You have to be subtle about it though as they will begin to feel like a charity case even though you had the best intentions.

Just little things like that will mean the world to them.

i am happy to let richer friends treat me to dinner out .

this happen quite often actually. I am the only one with DCs amongst my schoolfriends, and I was in the lowest-earning post before I went part-time.

When we arrange to meet, I sometimes ask if we can go somewhere cheap and cheerful. They most often insist that we go somewhere smarter, and pick up the bill. I feel totally comfortable with this .