Do I break his heart or wait and see?

[AllUpInTheAir]

Namechanger. It's taken me a lot of courage to write this post as I fear the floodgates will be opened and I'll have to hoist my head firmly from the sand.

Been with DP about 7 years. Was besotted with him to begin with, never felt such a connection with anyone else etc. I definitely chased him and he played it cool for ages until he admitted he was also falling in love with me.

Have a DD 2.5, unplanned but we were both very happy.

Since DD was born I've struggled with my feelings towards DP. In the first few months (as I'm sure with many, many couples) we argued a lot, and were not particularly kind to each other. I lost my job before I went on maternity leave, and really really struggled to adjust to being a mother and having the loss of my identity that was tied up with my career. I really relied on DP as he was providing for us, but I couldn't work out if I still loved him or not. I hoped that this was due to having a baby and that eventually we would return to how we were.

I found a new job when DD was a year and since then I've gradually felt a return to my old self. But unfortunately as my confidence has returned my feelings for DP have got more ambiguous. I know I care deeply for him, we still get on well and we have a nice life. But I don't think I love him, and I don't feel passion towards him. I had a few problems post birth with the damage I suffered, and this had quite an effect on our sex life. It's still very infrequent, but I think I'm using the birth damage as an excuse now TBH.

I was just coasting along really. I totally love DPs family and we have great friends together, and without major issues breaking up wasn't something I'd really considered.

But then DP proposed to me. I didn't realise to beging with, there was no ring and he kind of whispered it so I had to keep asking if he was serious. But instead of elation I felt crushing disappointment. We were on holiday with his family (alone at the time he proposed) and I said yes. I felt no option really as saying no would have effectively been ending our relationship there and then.

Then the whole thing has obviously grown wings and both our families are very excited and involved.

I'm really scared. I don't imagine us together forever. Sometimes when things are going well I feel really close and then I think 'yes, I can do this, it's the right thing for me and DD'.

But recently I've been feeling more distant and sad. DP has done a few things that show lack of caring/understanding of me. I have had discussions about how I'm feeling unsure, he has become very upset. He is generally a good guy and is totally trying to make amends, but I don't know how to tell him it won't make a difference.

I know this is a total cliche, but I've started to fancy someone else (my boss).

I know this is ridiculous and I am trying to completely cut it out of my head, but it has intensified my feelings that my relationship with DP isn't right any more.

I feel so scared. Do you think that this the relationship is salvagable and that with work I can get the feelings back? The wedding (8 months time) is now putting pressure on to make my mind up. Even postponing, after paying so much money in deposits and involving all our family, would still be a major issue as we'll obviously have to explain why to the 100 odd guests.

How do you do it? How do you hurt someone you care about so much? How do you explain to your family who are working so hard on helping with the wedding that you can't do it?

Crying now. I know I've been an idiot for going along with it until now, but I've totally been supressing all my fears about it.

Thanks if you got this far...

can you talk to your mum and dad?Sisters/brothers?

Feeling very sorry for you. I would be very clear about what you feel and want before saying anything to dp. How much is wrapped up with having a new baby? This is a huge change in your life anyway and may well be affecting your emotional judgement.

At the very least, ask for a postponement of the wedding on this basis. You have a lot on your emotional plate!

I'm sure someone else will be along later with better advice, but just to say it's a hell of a lot easier to cancel a wedding than to sort out a divorce.

Keep away from your boss, that looks like a way out but is only a distraction from your other problems.

Delay the wedding, get yourself some breathing room. You can make excuses to family (I'm sure you can think of something).

Thanks Lydwatt. DD is 2.5 now though, I would have thought by now the new baby effect was gone?

I'm scared to talk to anyone in RL, it makes it real IYSWIM...

Thanks Fake. Delaying the wedding (I assume) will cost us money, so I'll need to have a bloody good reason. And TBH I don't think DP would believe any excuse I made up :(

Bloody hell :(

lydwatt - not new baby, their dd is 2.5, so things should have settled down surely?

OP - talk to him. tell him the truth. he may find it upsetting but surely he will respect you for being open. if the relationship is salvagebale, then you need to be open with him, and ffs don't make any more plans for your wedding until you are more certain.

making it real is what you need to do so that you can sort out what is fantisy in your head and what is concrete.

Find someone in RL you can talk about this with. Otherwisee it could blow up in your face and leave a lot of regret.

Seriously, of you don't really understand your own feelings, don't risk hurting dp and family until you are totally sure of what you want.

I would say the first 4 years or so can be very straining...until kids learn more independance

It makes me feel more hopeful that (so far) no one has said that because I'm feeling like this is must be over.

Has anyone ever gone through a patch where they felt like this and recovered to completely loving their DP again?

I know I need to talk to someone. I just don't know who TBH, my closest friend is also very good friends with DP and I feel disloyal.

i think difficult patches are normal, with young children. you are shattered, have no time for yourself or each other. but i guess it is about having the confidence in your relationship, that it is a phase and will pass?

can i ask what were the things that your dp did that made you question his lack of care/understanding of you? does this whole thing centralise on these things? if so, it might be good to expand on that.

right, well, if the wedding is in 8 months, you are probably looking at minimal costs to delay than cancel all together - I'm guessing you've paid deposits for venues etc, but they might let you move that deposit to a new date, say 6 months on to give you more time. Dresses etc can be worn at a later date if you want to go ahead. And if you marry him then divorce him, it'll be a lot more wasted money.

Tell your DP the truth (well, not about fancying your boss, otherwise he'll focus on that and think that's the problem when it's really just a symptom). Tell him you're not sure you two are suited - can you get some pre-wedding counselling?

For family excuses, you can come up with anything from venue not being available afterall, to it not being a good time of year for your family/his family, to not wanting a summer wedding, bad time for work to have time off for holidays, want to get married outside the high season when it's cheaper etc.

Fancying someone else can mean it is all over or it could be a symptom of a problem in your relationship that could, with work, be sorted.

Its not happened to me but I have been through a divorce and, trust me, you don't want to go there.

So, it is important to face up to what you are feeling before you commit in marriage. But be totally sure of what it is you are feeling and why!!

Could you go and see a Relate counsellor on your own (and in secret) to talk all this through? My instinct is to say don't go ahead with the wedding, you're clearly not ready or committed enough.

But on the other hand, all long term relationships have peaks and troughs - DH and I have periods where we just irritate the hell out of each other, and then we'll have a fun night out or he'll say something that makes me remember why this is worth working at. You can't bottle at the first trough, if you see what I mean. Do you have any fun nights out - how much quality time do you get together?

I don't know whether it's over or not but I agree with everyone else that you can't marry him while you feel like this.

It's concerning me though that you feel you can't talk about this with him. You say you felt you had to say yes to the proposal or that would be the end of the relationship, and that when you try to talk about this he just gets upset about it, so you feel you can't talk about it.

If you do decide to end it, I don't know how you do that, other than holding onto the fact that the longer you wait, the more painful and messy it's going to be.

You need to be quite clear about when these feelings for your boss developed. Workplace relationships that start with the deceit of one's parnter have a 5-10% success rate. It is very common for bosses and staff to feel this attraction and often has no bearing on your relationship with your DP. Often when people have affairs (I know you're not, but you might be at the start of a slippery slope), the affair starts because the person is not giving enough to their relationship, not because they are not receiving enough. When you started this job, you were still in a difficult place, postnatally by the sounds of things. So it would have been easy to start falling for the boss.

May I ask why you and DP didn't get married during the 5 years before you had your DD? Do you just not consider marriage important or did you not think the relationship was for keeps. Was the reason to do with you or your DP or both?

I don't think your relationship with your DP is over. You need to look back and really remember why you were together in the first place, what you felt etc.

Re the marriage - I would scale the whole thing down personally. It sounds OTT for you - why are you having 100 guests - I would consider a regsiter office do personally (that's what I had and I have never regretted it). A big wedding causes stress - there's no doubt about that so take that stress away and change it for a reg office do. Then you can feel like if you cancel that, it will be a small amount of money gone and it won't be the deciding factor in whether you go ahead.

I don't think you should break up with your DP just yet. Give all 3 of you more chance to be together.

You gotta be cruel to be kind.
The longer you wait, the harder it will be to delay or cancel the wedding.

My suspicion is that as he whispered the proposal he wasn't 100% sure either, and he may feel exactly the same as you, but also afraid to say anything for the same reasons.

So be brave. Tell him. As others have said, it's easier and cheaper to cancel a wedding than go through a divorce.

good post orangepoo

Hassledge I think I ill look into the councelling, would certainly help solve my dilemma of who to speak to face to face.
You make a good point of the nights out, e very rarely get out together (limited access to babysitters) but often go out separately because it's easier. Whenever we do go out we have a great time together, and we have both said we need to do it more. My working hours make it difficult as well so our 'quality' time is generally watching telly...

Bertie I have spoken to him and told him I'm having doubts. He never seems to take it seriously and is keen to try and move on from the conversation. Perhaps this is because he is scared to take it too seriously. But I always end up relenting and making in, when I know I should be strong and press the matter.

Finally the things he has done are not that serious TBH, slightly thoughtless, and probably wouldn't be a big deal in a healthy relationship. But they feel like they are mounting up for me and it all adds to a general feeling that I don't feel special/cared for enough. Even the fact he got up this morning and made himself a cup of tea and not me (he did apologise but I just don't get it really).

OK, I'll be blunt.

I disagree with orangepoo. (sorry! )

the boss thing is a symptom that your relationship is in trouble. It is not a cause, but is a sign that you need to make big changes.

You have lost the lovey dovey stuff after 7 years of being together.

You are not going to get that back.

You could go through the counselling, the talking the navel gazing, but there is no passion in this relationship, there is no fun, no desire, no oomph.

You should have been bouncing off the walls when he asked you to marry him, he should have been shouting it from the roof tops. Instead you are both sleepwalking through this relationship.

You need to call the wedding off asap, and get back whatever money you can.

Listen to your gut feel, this relationship is stifling you and has run its course.

please don't waste any more time on this, it'll never be fixed. there is nothing there to be fixed.

Sorry.

As others have said, some ups and downs are normal in a long term relationship. If the commitment is there, you just work through them (or tough them out).

Unless you are very young and have grown apart and want different things now (?), I always think that if love was there in the first place it can be recaptured - but it does mean good communication, getting your resentments out in the open, listening to each other. It sounds like he's not listening to you and he must therefore bear some responsibility for your relationship troubles, so don't feel like you're the baddie.

A good counsellor will really help you clarify your feelings and work out how to communicate them to your DP. It may be upsetting for you both to face your fears head on, but in my experience it is a HUGE relief to feel that you are dealing with an issue rather than avoiding it.

Good luck - you WILL be fine, and so will he, one way or the other!

Sorry had to go last night as DP got home. I'll try to answer all the questions that I missed.

Orange the feelings for my boss have developed quite recently since we've worked together more closely. I think the attraction is mutual, HOWEVER I must stress that I am 100% certain nothing will ever happen, he is very happily married and I would never ever act on my feelings with anyone whilst either of us were attached. He is popping up my thoughts a lot though, I think because it's such a long time since I've felt that kind of attraction.

We didn't marry sooner because I guess things moved quite slowly, and I was fairly young when we got together (23) so it wasn't really on my radar. I'd always thought I'd wait until at least 30 to marry. We only moved in together a year before I got pregnant with DD.

Taghain the reason he whispered the proposal was because he was so nervous (quite sweet really). I have no doubt about how much he wants to get married and spend his life with me, he tells me frequently how me and DD are his world. I suppose that's another thing stopping me - he is a fantastic father and I know it would be immensly hurtful to him not to live with her.

Thanks littlemiss I do appreciate your thoughts. I think though that it is more one sided than your post suggests - the lovey dovey stuff is there for DP but not for me so much. And because of that I think if he is anything less than perfect I am getting annoyed about it. Not fair on him - I am certainly no shining beacon of perfectness.

I think I need to sort out a councellor for myself and work through my feelings. I just have this feeling that I am missing out on what my life should really be. That makes no sense and sounds stupid, and I would probably regret destroying the settled life we have established for DD just so I can find out if there is something better out there...

I feel very selfish actually

Oh and TheFarSide you are probably right in the respect of me being quite young emotionally when we got together. DP is older than me, and I really have developed so much more confidence and a sense of who I am since then.

I think I have to credit a lot of that to DP though as he has allowed me to feel settled and to get over a lot of the insecurity that used to plague me. Seems very mean to then throw that back in his face by saying he's not good enough for me any more...

I feel very selfish actually

You cant live your life for other people. Getting married when its not what you really want would be an error that will haunt you and your child for a long time.

PLease seek a councellor asap, does your work place have a system in place?

I dont think you should allow your dp to ignore your feelings on this either, it is likely that it is fear that makes him do this.

It would be meaner of you to go through with a wedding that you didn't want to happen. :(

I have seen friends marry because they didn't want to hurt their partner. It's hopeless and makes everyone more miserable in the long run. Have courage.

I get a sense that you do love and respect your dp very much. If this is enough to base a life time together on, only you can sort out.

Counselling is a good idea...good luck!!

I don't think you should carry on with the wedding plans. It's also not your fault that you feel the way you do. But you do need time to figure out whether you can resolve this. I had the same thing with my dh. Got together very young, I felt he was definitely the right person for me at the time. I too had a horrible delivery which resulted in sex hurting for at least 3 years. I think that damaged our relationship. Unfortunately we did eventually break up but things were more complicated with us because our oldest child has quite severe SN and I was busy with stuff to do with her and the stress of everything caused me to break down and get very ill.

You may be able to get back what you once had from what you say. But at the same time you shouldn't waste your life with someone you don't want to be with.