How would you feel if your mother told you you were her least favourite child?

[secondbest]

Just wondering if I'm supposed to laugh this off or not.

My mother announced at a family party (with my PIL) that my older brother (and only sibling) is her favourite child, and then qualified it with it being because he was her first, as if that explains thing.

I have two children and love them equally so can't quite understand her point, other than that she favours my brother over me and always has.

How would that make anyone else feel? Am I too old to find that slightly hurtful?

Sorry, I am the OP. Namechanged to write something elsewhere and forgot to change back!

Guitargirl, she had had a few drinks, but I wouldn't say she was anywhere near drunk.

I'd be unsurprised. I was the least favourite of 6! I think she'd gotten fed up with kids by the time I came along and in retrospect, I don't blame her.

There was no pill when she was married and I was born in '65, so was an unavoidable side effect of being married. I am classed as the accident!

It's hurtful, but you either decide to let it colour your relationship with your mum and how you feel about yourself or you laugh it off.

My mum died earlier this year and I know I was never amongst her favourites. The kids that were her favourites are not my kind of people, so perhaps that says more about my mum than me???

Hope you find a way to deal with it.

Huffythethreadslayer - that's interesting to hear, thanks.

I love my brother dearly but he is rather fucked up, so I guess they kind of suit each other!

The grandchildren thing worries me though, I will keep an eye on it.

How cruel of her.

Did she really mean it though? I am surprised you hadn't picked up on it before.

Petulant maybe, but I would greet her next time with 'I am so glad you said that, I had been feeling so guilty that I have always vastly preferred my father to you'.

Mudandmayhem, yes she meant it and yes I've picked up on it before but this is the first time she's said it outright.

That's even worse then . So sorry, but you do realise that it's a major flaw in her, not you, I hope.

When I was about 13 my mum told me she didn't want any children (I have 2 sisters) and that kids ruin your life - thanks for that mum - still don't know what to make of it and I'm in my late 30s now and avoid her as much as possible.

That's awful woollyjo.

I don't know why, but I clicked your profile, I'm so sorry you lost your little girl, she's truly beautiful.

Secondbest. I'd be gutted.

I would never say that to either of my children, because although sometimes I am a shouty, impatient, crabby sort of Mum - I am not a complete psychopathic loser.

Sorry, maybe that's a bit harsh - but I feel really angry for you.

I'm guessing you are gutted too - but maybe, just a little relieved? That she finally confirmed what you knew? How do you feel about it?

And the question is, what do you do now? Does this give you a bit of freedom/distance from the relationship? Is there a Dad around?

Woollyjo my mother said the same thing to me about 5/6 years ago - 'of course, if I had my time again, I wouldn't have had any kids, I only had you because your father wanted kids' 'Why did you have 3 then?' 'cos your father didn't want an only child'

Took me a while to realise in her case she wasn't actually saying she didn't love us but it explained an awful lot about her lack of maternal care when we were growing up.

As to who is favourite, I guess my eldest brother was when we were all living at home, and now (as the only child who bothers with her) I am. My secodn brother suffers from serious depression and I try not to think about it too much.

Belle - I do feel quite relieved, because it just clarified for me that there really is no point trying too hard with her, she will always consider me not quite as important.

I've spent a lot of time clashing with her and after some marvellous advice from MN I took a step back from her this visit and didn't argue with her.

I really realised the extent to which she criticises and tries to goad me into arguing with her - yet she is the first person to act the injured party at any perceived criticism of her.

Her general demeanour around me is that I am some kind of halfwit. Twice she gave presents to DD and when I was taking them out of the box - undoing those little wire things she asked if she, or my Dad could do it, hovered over me trying to snatch them out of my hands - the implication being that I'm too clumsy to be trusted to do it.

She is very, very fond of telling me that I am graceless and clumsy and yet (as DH always points out) she is like a bull in a china shop - she went downsstairs for water in the night and couldn't open the stair gate so she literally forced it off the wall and just walked off leaving it hanging half open.

But I'm the clumsy one apparently

I feel for you. Stepping away from her (in terms of your relationship) definitely seems a positive step, and try not to let her comments get you down. You might not be her favourite, but you are definitely your DC's favourite

second, she's really not worth your energy. and yeah, i'd keep my grandkids away from it as well .

sorry, i'm a hard ass, though, because i just can't imagine ever saying that to any of my children. i truly can't.

i guess it's okay to think it, well, i can't imagine that, either, but people are people.

but having the brass ball cheek to say something so incredibly cruel and hurtful to your own child just beggars belief.

the world really is full of good people, like you, secondbest, to the point where you just don't need this shit!

I think some very insecure, self-hating women are hideous to their daughters as they see themselves and can't bear it. That's why your brother is the favourite - he's male - and therefore not a reflection of her.

I don't know if that helps - it doesn't excuse anything. But you do have to understand that this is nothing to do with you and everything to do with our Mum. How was her childhood?

Can you maintain a relationship with her without being hurt by it? I had a difficult relationship with my Mum (who died recently) but I stayed close to her, as she was an exceptional Gran, and helped me out in lots of ways.

I had to find ways of developing teflon skin and let the criticism slide off me. It wasn't always easy - but having a daughter of my own, made me realise how odd and unnatural my Mum's behaviour was and put it in perspective.

You could try talking to her and explaining how you feel - but if you do that, be aware that she'll probably minimise your suffering and just go into denial - so only do it if you think it will help you - not in hope of an apology or any sort of recognition of her behaviour.

Thanks, some good advice.

Expat - you know, I pretty much agree with you, and your advice is probably what I'd give someone else. But it's complicated because you know, my Dad is great, my brother is great, my extended family I love too, so to cut her out would be too difficult - too much to lose there I think.

Belle - I think I need that teflon skin. Any tips? She is good with my children - mine are both girls, which I think is a good thing - possibly less chance of her singling one out for favouritism? She grimaced when I told her we were having a second girl and was noticably disappointed. But she seems to have put that behind her now and at the moment doesn't seem to favour one over the other - if that begins to happen though, I will be down on her like a ton of bricks and she would be out.

I agree there's not much point challenging her - it all becomes about her as victim if I answer her back, so not much point as I don't want to give her ammunition.

Poor you - go and sit down and watch the Friends Box set and keep routing for Monica...

then stick to, 'you're my least favourite mother' sort of lines.

i feel for you, second, she sounds like a cow.

I know exactly how you feel and it hurts more than anything else, nothing even comes close in my opinion.

I've had big problems in my life because I have always been the least favourite. My parents won't admit it, the family tell me I'm mad if I ever mention it, but it is obvious to the world through their actions that they don't even like me. I can do no right and my (twin) brother and sister can do no wrong.

The only thing I can do is keep some distance and protect my dd from it all.

The teflon skin comes from realising it's all about her, I suppose, and not about you at all. It doesn't work 100% because Mums have a way of saying things that get to you, don't they?

I would challenge my Mum more often - e.g. she'd make some joke about my cooking (which is not haute cuisine but absolutely fine) and instead of feeling hurt at yet another dig (and never, ever, ever a word of praise obviously), I'd say, 'actually I think I'm quite a good cook - I make most things from scratch and I like the food I cook'.
She would normally huff a bit and say something about me being over sensitive, but didn't repeat the comments again. Make sure that DH and brother will stand up for you too. She'll hate men thinking that she's being mean.

So I guess the first step is to stand up for yourself. If she tries to take a present off you - tell her you can do it yourself. If she says you are too clumsy - say 'that runs in the family Mum, I get that from you, but I'm still going to do this myself I'm xx years old now.' That confidence will come when you believe that you are a fabulous Mum and don't need to take any crap from someone who wasn't.

The other thing is sympathy. I have a wonderful relationship with my DD. I feel really sad for my Mum that she couldn't have that sort of relationship with me. She just couldn't do it - because of her own background, but I'm so pleased I've broken that chain.

Hot bath waiting, so signing off now. Don't know if anyone else has tips how to deal with critical Mum, but it's sadly not an unusual problem.

I can't believe people can treat their children like this.

One of the reasons I love my Mum so much is that she shows so much love to each of the four of us. She would have taken your mother to task for such un-motherly behaviour.

Teflon skin is exactly it Belle I am a little sad when I see how lovely other mums are but my sisters and myself are highly resourceful and that may be due to the lack of mothering we had.

Not a naturalGeordie - It is more about her than us daughters - always was, always will be.

Anyway I've had 3 beautiful dds (sadly only 2 still with me) and I will never leave them in any doubt over how important they are to me.

Good luck with your mum secondbest - just that you know you are not alone in battling with your mum. That mine lives 250 miles makes it alot easier.

I'd think, fair enough. Why should I be? I'm not the nicest!

I'd think she wasn't a very good mother.

I can't imagine preferring one of my children over the other, but if I did I hope I wouldn't be cruel enough to say it, even when they are adults.

I'm sad for you OP. That must have hurt.

Ah, poor you Secondbest, but this is her problem not yours. You sound really thoughtful, sensitive and nice, she sounds...hmmm...a bit of a meanie.
Yeah, think of Monica on Friends - I loved the bit where she turns to Ross and says: "I want different parents - I want YOUR parents."