I have a work colleague, Sue (not her real name) who has, over 4-5 years, become a friend. She had an apparently perfect family set up with 3 DCs, but, 3 years ago, her DH more or less walked out, citing 'a breakdown'. Needless to say, there was OW. He did appear to have some sort of breakdown- appearing disheveled, rambling, stary eyes etc. (he came to take the DS, then 10, out- for a half hour trip to Argos for example!).
There is another woman at work who is the same age as us and all 3 of us are good frinds, bearing in mind we all have families etc to deal with.
Anyway, the other friend and I have been endlessly patient about Sue's marriage breakdown. We have been cried on, we have listened hour after hour to the same stuff, over and over, we have crafted going out plans around her circumstances, we have offered as much advice as we could (along the lines of 'Get a solicitor/ change the locks if you're scared of him/ document the veiled threats he's making/ keep your DS at arm's length from him if you don't trust him'). All has gone unheeded. She wouldn't even declare herself a single parent on her DD's uni funding application because of 'the shame'. She is in financial dire straits (though wouldn't ask for more hours at work in case our boss suspected!). She also has a tendency to 'talk over' us like she has to be heard. The other friend occasionally tells her to shut up and listen/let us get a word in! My DH thinks she's hilarious in that respect.
She is also quick to fall out- I mean, I get on with everyone at work (or at least, they all think I do- I hate a frosty atmosphere!) but she has alienated quiet a few people. No one gets a second chance.
Thing is, poor woman doesn't appear to have 'moved on' much at all in 3 1/2 years of separation. And I have to say, there is an element of 'Scottish Widow' about her- deep in her soul I think she is perhaps unconsciously enjoying the martyred role, standing proud and dignified, refusing help.
Well, small issue BUT I am struggling a bit this Xmas. It's definitely no more than the Winter Blues, stuck in on annual leave for a week with the DSs with all my plans scuppered by the weather, sickness and apathy (not just mine!). I managed to get a night off being 'on-call' last night (Tues) and I invited 5 families over for drinks (invites issues on Saturday) including Sued and her DS (now 13), but not our mutual friend as I knew she was busy; all said yes, sounds great. Then one by one, they pulled out (bar one family). I am aware that Sue was going down with a cold on Sunday, I arranged to phone her (she will only answer her landline if you pre-book. Honestly!) but she didn't pick up. She texted me yesterday to say sorry, she'd fallen asleep and that she wasn't well enough to come over in teh evening.
I concede my text back was along the lines of: 'Oh no, one by one everyone has pulled out, I am going to cancel along with everything else this holiday'.. which is actually the truth.
She responded 'Am sorry don't like to be reliable'
I sent back 'No, you're not unreliable, you're ill; it's OK; are you working any more this week? Maybe we can get together later'
I heard nothing back, so today I texted to say 'Did you work today? Hope you are feeling better and the girls are home' (from uni).
Nothing.
Now, to be honest, I am sad and pissed off. I know she is freezing me out for having the temerity to suggest I was disappointed she wouldn't be coming to my place. I mean, she was ill, wasn't she? How dare I still be disappointed? I wonder if now I will get the frozen treatment at work? I won't see her til Jan 6th as she has a term time contract plus 'as needed'.
I just feel that I have been there for her for 3 1/2 years through all of this and have resisted the temptation of shouting 'Get a grip, he's gone off with another woman, he isn't coming home; you, for the sake of your DCs, have to make yourself and them safe. Stop being such a martyred victim here!'... but I didn't. I remained staunchly supportive.
Now I'm the one feeling somewhat let down and to be honest, a bit lonely if not rejected this week, I get cut off. Dead.
I want to just let it go but on the other hand, I want her to know I am hurt! But she wouldn't see that as it appears to be all about her, her, her. Well, I assume because she'll never call to discuss it.
Sorry about the rant!