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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Im having an affair

35 replies

Misssparkle · 29/09/2005 18:10

I always thought that if you were married and had an affair that you must be some sort of slapper and i have always been discusted by people that have them.

But now i find myself in that position and although i cant say i dont know what to do (cause i know what i ought to do) its the actual doing it thats hard.

I should stop it before it gets serious and before dh finds out. Its happened 3 times so far and we have made plans to meet again in a couple of weeks (all the times we've met have been about 2 weeks apart)

Hes single but im married. My relationship with Dh isnt by any means perfect. Sometimes i dont even know why we are together but i cant ever see myself leaving him although deep down i know i should.

He is a wonderful father and looks after us all. He works hard and does his best. He doesnt deserve what im doing to him. No one does.

Me and Dh arnt really close anymore. I dont think i love him in a romantic way. I love him like a brother. we can sit and watch tele together and things like that but i cant stand him touching me. it feels wrong. Feels like im just going through the motions. I hate having sex with him. But i do it as i feel i should.

Ive been trying for 2 years to change these feelings about DH. But i dont seem to be getting anywhere. i am trying to fall in love with him again but i cant. I know i ought to let him be free to find someone who can love him for who he is, because he is worth more than this.

The other man is 25 years older than me. Im 24 . I have 2 dds age 4 and 2.

He treats me like a lady, hes a gentleman and he makes me feel wanted and pays me alot of attention, always hugging me and kissing me, or little things like stroking my leg.

I dont think i have any 'real' feelings for this man other than he makes me feel special and i like feeling like that.

I know im selfish, I know im a little slapper. I know im risking everything i have for something that is going nowhere (and i wouldnt want a committed relationship with this man) I know if things are that bad at home i ought to leave my dh, I know that affairs are wrong and so painful for all involved. So why cant i do what i know is the right thing to do?

OP posts:

ja9 · 29/09/2005 18:11

beansprout · 29/09/2005 18:12

Try thinking about the look on your children's faces as Daddy leaves?

Sorry, I know it is harsh but that is what you are setting up here. Is any amount of leg stroking worth that? Perhaps you need to do some stuff for you to make you feel better about yourself, but please, not this. It is never worth it.

Original poster

Misssparkle · 29/09/2005 18:14

i cant picture there faces as it hurts to much. I know what im doing is wrong. I hate myself for it. All the time i am away from this man i feel like i cant even look at myself in the mirror. I cant understand why i go back. Once im there its like im a diferent person, i forget all about dh and the kids. My dh has done nothing to deserve this.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 29/09/2005 18:14

The right thing to do is to stop having the affair and then think about whether you want to put the effort into making your marriage work.

Ulysees · 29/09/2005 18:16

I can understand the temptation, especially when you're unhappy with dh. I hope you manage to save your marriage though as you need to earn the right to leave any partnership where kids are involved. So, IMO you both (dh and you)need to do all you can to salvage your marriage before you close the door and wreck their little lives.

SoupDragon · 29/09/2005 18:17

Once you've stopped the affair you need to sit down with your DH and discuss the future of your marriage. Maybe suggest you've been tempted to have an affair and that has made you realise that things can not go on the way they are.

Original poster

Misssparkle · 29/09/2005 18:18

I dont even know what to say, i cant stop crying. why did i do it? its not me, not the sort of thing i ever thought i would do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Misssparkle · 29/09/2005 18:24

the worst thing is, when i was there he was smoking, was solid stuff that you burn and put in a spliff, he called it a smoke. and i had some and i felt so relaxed i didnt mind having sex with him. i wanted it. But then when i went back next time i smoked some more, and then last time i went back the first thing i wanted was a smoke. It made me feel like a whole different person. not Jilly but someone else who wasnt married and had kids, some one atractive with no baby belly, some one desirable.

OP posts:

overdraft · 29/09/2005 18:25

Misssparkle

Why not try Relate if you wanna work it out with dh.from what you say you feel like crap the two weeks in between meeting him so what are you getting out of it really.

It is giving you a boost when you are with him yes but, It's not real life is it.Of course he makes you feel good he would do wouldn't he.I bet two years down the line he wouldn't be making the same effort.

If you feel that way about dh then tell him so and see if you can work on it.If not then walk away first and then take up with the other man.

I am not just saying it because my dh has just had an affair i really can see both sides and am not judging you. At least he hasn't got children but then again YOU have.

beansprout · 29/09/2005 18:25

It's done now, the point is, what will you do next? What choice will you make? Not being that sort of person unfortunately doesn't mean you aren't really doing it. You still lose just as many brownie points!!

Where do you want it all to be in 3 months?

SoupDragon · 29/09/2005 18:28

You can't change the past, you can only shape the future.

Original poster

Misssparkle · 29/09/2005 18:29

hes told me that its just casual and that he wants no strings.

i just want to be happy, without hurting my dh and although leaving him would hurt him, staying with him and having an affair or resenting him will hurt him too.

It makes me feel sick to think that this man is older than my dad.

When we got married at 17 i thought that dh was everything i always wanted. Ive changed so much.

I have to end the affair. i know that. but how can i try and carry on afterwards as if nothing ever happened. Its changed me. I hate myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Misssparkle · 29/09/2005 18:32

I have to go for an hour. thank you for all your advice and not calling me a slapper or a slag, altough i know thats what i am.

OP posts:

Ulysees · 29/09/2005 18:33

don't hate yourself misssparkle. Everyone makes mistakes and at least you're aware and not ignoring it. You're thinking of your dh's feelings.

Just end it and have a serious chat with dh but I wouldn't tell him about the affair unless there's a good chance he can find out. He'll only be gutted and may leave you. Have you thought how you'd feel if he walked out? How about having a break from dh? Maybe you're both taking each other for granted? You may realise how much he means to you if he wasn't there?

overdraft · 29/09/2005 18:34

If you could feel no guilt and like yourself what do you want to do?

SleepyJess · 29/09/2005 18:36

Missparkle you're NOT a slapper or a slag.. you are human being who makes unwise choices and decisions sometimes, like the rest of us.. but YOU are in control of what happens next. It doesn't even sound as if you are craving this man's attention as much as craving change of some kind. You even sound a bit depressed.

Stop seeing him.. finish it today.. and then have a whole fresh look at you life and decide what it is you want and what it is that you don't.. and include DH in that. You CAN do this if you want to.

SJ x

MrsMiggins · 29/09/2005 18:38

Oh dear
If youre that miserable, you really should try to work it out or leave 0- having an affair will just make things 10 times worse.

I can see why he's doing it - 45 & single & wants no strings.
he is treating you like a lady to get you to have sex

in fact it sounds like you're enjoying/needing the smoke more than the man

hope you work it out

compo · 29/09/2005 18:42

There's obviously no future in the relationship as you say 'hes told me that its just casual and that he wants no strings' so you could just let it run it's course and hope that his feelings change and that he wants a future with you. Or you could end it and either try again with dh or leave dh and be single for a while and see what that feels like.

TaiTai · 29/09/2005 20:09

Miss S,

Sounds like the affair isn't really going anywhere and nor, at the moment, is your marriage. Two years is a long time for things not be right between you and your DH. As painful as leaving him would be for all of you, staying in a marriage where you are deeply unhappy and liable to stray will also cause pain for everyone. It's not clear from your messages whether you and your DH have tried to work things out - you talk about you having tried to fall in love with him again but you don't mention a joint effort. In your heart, it sounds like you think the marriage is dead. However, you owe it to your DH, your kids and yourself to let DH know how you feel and give him a chance to help you change things. It sounds like he might not even know that you are unhappy because you have pretended you are.

Personally, I think I would confess the affair because I strongly believe that these things are always discovered in the end and I would rather be told by my partner than someone else. However, you might not feel that is the best thing to do. You do need to honestly let DH know your feelings though. You say he deserves better - what he deserves is a chance to improve things with, and fight for, the woman he loves (you!).

Original poster

Misssparkle · 29/09/2005 20:28

We talked alot about a year ago. i told him i didnt think i loved him and that i thought i had changed. he begged me to stay, he cried and said he loved me and i couldnt hurt him. i couldnt bring myself to leave.

Weve both been trying to fix things, putting plaster over plaster trying to save the marraige, buts its failing.

tvi, your message made so much sense and made me cry xxx thank you

OP posts:

Branster · 29/09/2005 21:40

if anything, all that smoking worries me more that the cheating tbh.
how can you use such sun=bstances as a responsible adult/mother?!
do you trust this other guy much? what if he's taking videos of what you two are doing etc?
i suggest you put a stop to all this nonsense and devote your energy to your family and your own person instead.
by th way, i'm not one of those who consider women having affairs as slappers and am understanding (in a way) of their situation or frame of mind. but in your particular situation, although i do have many details, it all looks well dodgy to me: much, much older guy and all that smoking and so on.
are you using condoms?

Branster · 29/09/2005 21:41

meant to say i do NOT have many details ...
my spelling is getting better and better!

Diddle · 29/09/2005 21:56

misssparkle - I personally think you should stop the affair right now, and i know its eaiser said than done. Just cut all ties with this other man. I know its hard, although i wasn't married i have had an affair with a married man.
You will not get anywhere with your husband if you are still seeing this other man, and although you have to think of your children, you need to sort out your life. You're not a slag or a slapper, it is easy to get tempted.

cod · 29/09/2005 21:57

Message withdrawn

GeraldGiraffe · 29/09/2005 22:01

hang on- do you even know what it is you have been smoking?

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