Im having an affair

[Misssparkle]

I always thought that if you were married and had an affair that you must be some sort of slapper and i have always been discusted by people that have them.

But now i find myself in that position and although i cant say i dont know what to do (cause i know what i ought to do) its the actual doing it thats hard.

I should stop it before it gets serious and before dh finds out. Its happened 3 times so far and we have made plans to meet again in a couple of weeks (all the times we've met have been about 2 weeks apart)

Hes single but im married. My relationship with Dh isnt by any means perfect. Sometimes i dont even know why we are together but i cant ever see myself leaving him although deep down i know i should.

He is a wonderful father and looks after us all. He works hard and does his best. He doesnt deserve what im doing to him. No one does.

Me and Dh arnt really close anymore. I dont think i love him in a romantic way. I love him like a brother. we can sit and watch tele together and things like that but i cant stand him touching me. it feels wrong. Feels like im just going through the motions. I hate having sex with him. But i do it as i feel i should.

Ive been trying for 2 years to change these feelings about DH. But i dont seem to be getting anywhere. i am trying to fall in love with him again but i cant. I know i ought to let him be free to find someone who can love him for who he is, because he is worth more than this.

The other man is 25 years older than me. Im 24 . I have 2 dds age 4 and 2.

He treats me like a lady, hes a gentleman and he makes me feel wanted and pays me alot of attention, always hugging me and kissing me, or little things like stroking my leg.

I dont think i have any 'real' feelings for this man other than he makes me feel special and i like feeling like that.

I know im selfish, I know im a little slapper. I know im risking everything i have for something that is going nowhere (and i wouldnt want a committed relationship with this man) I know if things are that bad at home i ought to leave my dh, I know that affairs are wrong and so painful for all involved. So why cant i do what i know is the right thing to do?

So what do you want us to tell you?

I called him and told him i couldnt see him again. He didnt seem bothered. He always said no strings so i guess all i am to him is easy.

It wasnt so hard to call him and say no as i thought it would be. If he would have asked me to change my mind or tryed to pursuade me i might have felt differently, it might have been harder, but he didnt he just said ok and changed the subject. Hes not bothered.

It was just a spliff we were smoking. When i was seeing him i would stay at his house for the weekend, saturday to sunday and we would smoke and have a drink then.

I feel lost now. Theres so much missing with Dh that made me look elsewhere, i need to get whats missing from dh but he doesnt have it. so do i leave, do i stay , i dont know what the hell to do.

sorry - yes we used a comdom everytime and am on the pill.

So DH doesn't have that sparkle?
Tell him how you feel about him at the moment.
Then you need to have space to really understand what you want from life. You need to do something for all your family sakes.
Not carry on in this false happiness.

Where was your husband when you were staying at another mans house from Saturday to Sunday?

He was at home with the kids.

well done for making that call. Sorting out what you and dh have will be hard too - but you have to give it your best shot. You said you've already tried to fall in love with him again - but it sounds like you tried to do taht on your own - it takes two to save a marriage, even if he's done nothing wrong. You've got to talk to him, maybe not about teh affair, but about what you feel about him and how you see your marriage going. It's really hard to turn it round but you can do it if you want to.

i just read the "can you ever get over an affair thread" i could put dh through that. i cant believe i did it. i will never do it again.

Im lucky really, i have a dh who loves me and is a great father. I can live without sex (we dont sleep together) Ive just got to focus on what i have got instead of what i want.

Its gonna be so hard to talk about our marraige. he always cries and gets so hurt. but it has to be done. I could never tell him about the affair though it would break his heart.

if you both want to save this marriage it's going to take hard work, honesty, heartbreak but unless you try you will never know. Better to try and find out it can't work than break his heart by him finding out you been cheating on him - believe me

Misssparkle- well done for ending it- now you need to keep to it and sort your head out. Please get some counselling, invite your dh to come too if you feel it will help you find again what brought you together.
If you read the other affair thread you will have seen my posts and if you care at all for your dh there is no way you- if you realised the pain and devistation an affair causes- that you'd put him through that.
We all can make mistakes- I think you've decided that yourself . All of the people on the other thread who are trying to make it work with their betraying partner have to believe in the ability for human mistakes BUT it does not have to be the end. As K$K said if you are prepared to work at it you can make it and hopefully find again the kind of passion I assume you once had together. To do that you have to make your dh realise your relationship is in crisis- counselling is not a sign of weakness but of strength in that you recognise you have issues you cant resolve without help. I truely wish you all the best.
As a "betrayed" partner it is difficult not to get angry (with you) when I read what you've done but I also see affairs are often a cry for help about something else so please honey seek and let yuorself get that help. Your dh sounds a lovely man- just read a few more threads and you'll see there are lots around that are not! Look at all his good points then work on the issue that's damaging your marriage- marriage takes work- don't throw away so much for something that with the tight help could be mended! Good Luck.