I would really like to get some advise. I hope this isnt to much detail. Firstly some background information.
My partner and I have been together a very long time we are married with a child. We have had rocky patches in our marriage at 1 point involved me having met someone else and calling it all off with my dh and it devestated him at the time so I did the right thing and got back with him during that time he also confessed to having a 1 night stand and at the time I didnt care. It was a bad patch we got through it.
Anyway we got back together and we have remained together we are VERY close in that we talk openly most of the time but things have never been quite the same since that period.
The reason I drifted was because of his work and his extremely long hours and I felt that I was raising our child on my own. When we got back together he promised me he would change and he did for a while but then he got back into his old job and it went back to how it used to be ie. long working hours.
So I have been chatting on chat rooms to men as I feel lonely and it passes the time. I spend weeks alone from morning until late at night and sometimes he goes away abroad for work and I am completely alone. I have talked to him about it as I am feeling that I am not sure I want to go on like this with someone who spends so much time away from us and doesnt seem to compromise. I also feel sad for our child who barely sees him.
He is not having an affair and it is genuinely work I worked in the same industry and understand the hours that he has to do because of that.
Many times we have been on the verge of split but then he will say but I love you and he wont let go and so it goes on.
Anyway things have gone on like this and Ive continued flirting with guys on a chat room although nothing serious has come of it apart from sometimes I get close to someone. My partner knows about this and is often aware when I am getting close to somebody and naturally he hates it. It has become an issue but he wont compromise his job so I said I wont compromise either. This is putting strain on us.
BUT the even bigger issue here though is our sex life.
My dh has always been into 'dirty sex' (probably not the best description but only way I can think of wording it) as opposed to 'love making'. Its not usually a problem I am pretty sexual and no prude and we have fantasised during our sex sessions (who doesnt) but lately though during our sex sessions he has gone on and on about me having sex with other men. He keeps on saying I want you to and goes into graphic detail about what he would like to see me doing with male/female but usually always its guys.
Whilst at 1st it was a bit of fun its now become something I am detesting during every sex session.
It suddenly dawned on me too we never have loving sex. Its always like this. This fantasy happens without fail everytime now. I am bored of 'porn star' sex but it seems to be the only way. I am starting to feel I want someone to hold me and love me. I am sick of being a sex object. The only compliments I get are how gorgeous/sexy I am. He goes on about guys looking at me it gives him a thrill. He goes on about my breasts my bottom all the time. Everytime he is near me he will touch and grope and I am detesting it lately. Im quite a deep person and whilst I like to look and feel good like most women, I also need more than that.
Anyway I have played along with these fantasies everytime but secretly am starting to hate it all and hate what we have become.
The real crunch came when on his 1 day off in ages we spent the day together and he said he wanted to take me out but then said dress up sexy and spoilt it by saying I should flirt with men when they look at me and catch my eye etc. I said nothing and did nothing, it played on my mind. We had a our meal and then came home and as soon as we got in he went online and when I asked him what he was doing and I looked over his shoulder he was looking at swinger sites and logging in our details.
I was shocked but I didnt show it. I said to him is that what you really want. (In my head I was thinking to myself is this what we have become) He said yes I want to see you and other men. Lets meet a couple or something or a guy or woman. Whilst I dont knock swinging if its all loving and trusting etc. I feel this is sordid, that he is suddenly looking at this now. He used to be a very 1 woman man and very jealous of me being looked at by other guys.
I am not sure why my dh who was so jealous and possessive over me suddenly feels he could watch me having sex with other men/women and wants me to openly flirt with them.
So I played along and I realised he was serious. I guess I fell quiet so I then took myself upstairs away. I just felt really really low.
Lots of things went through my head. I felt what a mess. I feel to blame because of the chats with these men online and I think he has got screwed up by it. I feel I am too flirty and sexual. I feel that because I am like that he can now only see me in that way. I feel he cant respect me anymore. I feel I dont repsect him and actually I dont like him anymore. I feel it is all wrong and I want to rip it up and throw it away.
I hate this now. I want to be with a loving man who cares about me and wants to look after us not watch me get done by other guys.
Anyway I was lying on the bed upstairs and he came up and lay next to me and I hoped he was going to say something to make it right but instead he said how sexy I am how I turn him on the usual stuff and I just rolled over sobbed inside and went to sleep. He must have felt it because then he said are you upset with me do you hate me now I and just thought yes I do.
I am very very down about all this and havent been myself lately does anybody have anything to say about htis.