swinger issue

[violetblue]

I would really like to get some advise. I hope this isnt to much detail. Firstly some background information.

My partner and I have been together a very long time we are married with a child. We have had rocky patches in our marriage at 1 point involved me having met someone else and calling it all off with my dh and it devestated him at the time so I did the right thing and got back with him during that time he also confessed to having a 1 night stand and at the time I didnt care. It was a bad patch we got through it.

Anyway we got back together and we have remained together we are VERY close in that we talk openly most of the time but things have never been quite the same since that period.

The reason I drifted was because of his work and his extremely long hours and I felt that I was raising our child on my own. When we got back together he promised me he would change and he did for a while but then he got back into his old job and it went back to how it used to be ie. long working hours.

So I have been chatting on chat rooms to men as I feel lonely and it passes the time. I spend weeks alone from morning until late at night and sometimes he goes away abroad for work and I am completely alone. I have talked to him about it as I am feeling that I am not sure I want to go on like this with someone who spends so much time away from us and doesnt seem to compromise. I also feel sad for our child who barely sees him.

He is not having an affair and it is genuinely work I worked in the same industry and understand the hours that he has to do because of that.

Many times we have been on the verge of split but then he will say but I love you and he wont let go and so it goes on.

Anyway things have gone on like this and Ive continued flirting with guys on a chat room although nothing serious has come of it apart from sometimes I get close to someone. My partner knows about this and is often aware when I am getting close to somebody and naturally he hates it. It has become an issue but he wont compromise his job so I said I wont compromise either. This is putting strain on us.

BUT the even bigger issue here though is our sex life.

My dh has always been into 'dirty sex' (probably not the best description but only way I can think of wording it) as opposed to 'love making'. Its not usually a problem I am pretty sexual and no prude and we have fantasised during our sex sessions (who doesnt) but lately though during our sex sessions he has gone on and on about me having sex with other men. He keeps on saying I want you to and goes into graphic detail about what he would like to see me doing with male/female but usually always its guys.

Whilst at 1st it was a bit of fun its now become something I am detesting during every sex session.

It suddenly dawned on me too we never have loving sex. Its always like this. This fantasy happens without fail everytime now. I am bored of 'porn star' sex but it seems to be the only way. I am starting to feel I want someone to hold me and love me. I am sick of being a sex object. The only compliments I get are how gorgeous/sexy I am. He goes on about guys looking at me it gives him a thrill. He goes on about my breasts my bottom all the time. Everytime he is near me he will touch and grope and I am detesting it lately. Im quite a deep person and whilst I like to look and feel good like most women, I also need more than that.

Anyway I have played along with these fantasies everytime but secretly am starting to hate it all and hate what we have become.

The real crunch came when on his 1 day off in ages we spent the day together and he said he wanted to take me out but then said dress up sexy and spoilt it by saying I should flirt with men when they look at me and catch my eye etc. I said nothing and did nothing, it played on my mind. We had a our meal and then came home and as soon as we got in he went online and when I asked him what he was doing and I looked over his shoulder he was looking at swinger sites and logging in our details.

I was shocked but I didnt show it. I said to him is that what you really want. (In my head I was thinking to myself is this what we have become) He said yes I want to see you and other men. Lets meet a couple or something or a guy or woman. Whilst I dont knock swinging if its all loving and trusting etc. I feel this is sordid, that he is suddenly looking at this now. He used to be a very 1 woman man and very jealous of me being looked at by other guys.

I am not sure why my dh who was so jealous and possessive over me suddenly feels he could watch me having sex with other men/women and wants me to openly flirt with them.

So I played along and I realised he was serious. I guess I fell quiet so I then took myself upstairs away. I just felt really really low.

Lots of things went through my head. I felt what a mess. I feel to blame because of the chats with these men online and I think he has got screwed up by it. I feel I am too flirty and sexual. I feel that because I am like that he can now only see me in that way. I feel he cant respect me anymore. I feel I dont repsect him and actually I dont like him anymore. I feel it is all wrong and I want to rip it up and throw it away.

I hate this now. I want to be with a loving man who cares about me and wants to look after us not watch me get done by other guys.

Anyway I was lying on the bed upstairs and he came up and lay next to me and I hoped he was going to say something to make it right but instead he said how sexy I am how I turn him on the usual stuff and I just rolled over sobbed inside and went to sleep. He must have felt it because then he said are you upset with me do you hate me now I and just thought yes I do.

I am very very down about all this and havent been myself lately does anybody have anything to say about htis.

Happydaddy his job is an interesting one that not many people can just get. I have been understanding about the job for years but finally the neglect has got to me and so I have been going online to chat to guys.

It is not that I dont like him being sexual with me. I am very sexual but lately sex seems dark and is always involving fantasy with me and other guys and this is now turning me off him hence the feeling I dont want him near me so much lately. Also I do feel that everytime he is near me he feels the need to get sexual with me rather than a hug which might be a nice change. I have said this and he said he cant help the fact that he fancies me and wants to touch me that way.

Sometimes its nice to have a cuddle and a kiss though without being groped is it not ?

Custardo I dont 'virtual fck' online as I said. I flirt and chat sometimes get close to a particular male I am not there to get sex if anything I chat to guys to form a closeness that I am missing at home. The reason because I spend much time alone and I feel a bit neglected when he is away working all the time.

I do have respect for myself otherwise I would not feel bothered by this. I realise that this is something going wrong and that is what has bothered me.

I know he is feeling my icyness because I have received lots of loving caring text messages from him today so I do believe that things have just got screwed up right now.

Anorak I still think you ahve offered me the greatest advise and made me realise maybe I need to get some counselling to deal with my issues.

Thanks to all who have answred.

Reading you post Vilet was like reading my life except for that my dp doesn't work away or long hours.

My dp has also started doing the same thing during sex as your dh except it is always about us and another woman. Like you I played along at first and yes it made the sex better but now it's just too much.
Every time we have sex it's exactly the same, he says thuings to me which i now find disgusting and degrading but i blame myself because I went along with it at first which obviously gave him the wrong impression.

My dp keeps asking me if I will have sex with another woman and let him watch if he can find someone. I have said no but he still goes on and it's really wearing me down.

The only advice i have for you is to not do anything you don't want to because you will regret it forever.

from your original post, it looks to me like you have lots going through in your mind (most of it generated by your DH's actions) yet you do not share your exacts thoughts with him directly, you do not express your opinions to him despite being VERY close to each other.
Perhaps you should reply to his suggestions as you think about them, not just go along with it and keep quiet.

violetblue, instead of chatting to other men online to get the closeness and conversation, why not text your dh? Next time you speak to him, tell him how much you miss him when he's working but you understand how much he needs to work. My dw and I text each other many times a day, everything from chit chat to deep stuff and she doesnt even work away! It's better than talking to strangers and it will show your dh that you want him and not others.

Not very supportive beetroot...tut tut.

it works both ways violetblue, have you aklways been honest with your husband about things?

i know he has been a shit and you have taken the back seat. Things have led you to do things that are not 'moral' yourself. I think its time you both had a long hard honest chat.

Tbh I am glad you have started to see how shallow your own actions have become. you seem like a good person deep down. Sex is not the answer to everything, you need love. But in order to love others you need to love yourself

I agree with anorak, get some pyschotherapy, it is excellent

Thanks for sharing your similar situation with me headingforsameplace I appreciated that.

I have a job beetroot thankyou.

I do text him HappyDaddy and he does text me but hes very busy he actually works at work unlike some who dont have to do much. He works very hard, has deadlines to meet and comes home exhausted. I can't be texting him constantly and I dont expect him to feel he has to with me either.

I would prefer he cut down his hours somehow but it's difficut he's in demand and there is always a new job lined up as 1 ends. He also enjoys this job very much and has made a name for himself within the industry he works in but honestly the hours are unreasonable and there are not many I feel that would be happy to put up with it. I didnt marry him with this job. I have ended up this way so it wasnt like I had a choice.

For example his job has stopped me being able to do lots of things as I am practically the soul carer for our child. Its made finding jobs harder that would really appeal to me as opposed to taking what I can get that has hours to suit and its also stopped me having another child which I would have liked because I feel I should get the support required from him also to raise another at home.

He is a a good man who provides and cares when he is here but I need a little more now. I am at a point where I am now thinking when my child is a bit older and makes her own way it will just be me here and him and his job and I'm just bored of coming 2nd to a career. I am really having thoughts about finding my own piece of happiness now.

The sex thing I have given thought and I do think anorak is right he probably does feel that that this is what I want and so is trying to please me or trying to be included in what I am doing in someway.

He has been quite different since he made the suggestion as if he felt it was a very bad move on his part and is trying very hard to make sure I know how much he loves me right now I dont even need to tell him what I felt because he feels it now.. I think.

So I guess my issue is now back down to the loneliness and his job and long hours and how to break the habit of chatroom filling the void.

Violetblue, i wasn't saying that you should expect him to reply. just that my dw and I have found it a nice way to stay in touch and have private chats without a full on phone call. It's possible to fit that in with a busy job, believe me. Just a suggestion, that was all.

It also sounds very much as if he is so busy and stressed in his job that he finds his relaxation and release in his sex life with you. There is a danger that if takes on too much that is stressful his need for that time when he can stop being and just be a desirable, sexy man overwhelms everything else and so his sexual demands become more important to him. This might become a little too much for you, as you'll be able to sense the fact that his needs are overwhelming your sharing together in a loving way.

It sounds like you basically have a good sound marriage with love on both sides, but that his job is causing problems for both of you. He needs to understand that a young family needs time. It would be a terrible shame if he spent years working to provide things he things you need only to find you have left to get the things you really do need (time, attention, support) elsewhere.

You really need to talk and spend non-sexual intimate time together as well as the sexual side. I like sitting in bed with my dh watching TV, or going to the pub and sitting in a corner chatting, or just plotting and scheming what we want to do with our house. Stuff like that makes you feel secure and develops your bond.

Happydaddy I was not knocking your suggestion so dont get me wrong.

Anorak all I really want is a man that comes home at a fairly reasonable hour at the end of the day say at least 7pm would be nice as opposed to 10pm or later, so that we can do exactly those things that you said sit watch t.v. together, chat, have a family meal together etc. I miss that bond, I miss that closeness.

Instead he comes home has a quick shower jumps in bed and we have sex then we go to sleep because it is late. Then he is up early start the next day... and so goes on..that is my life with him.

He works those hours relentlessly when a day off comes up that day is divided between me and our child who is also desperate to spend time with him. I do feel that he has missed out on much of her growing up and all for this job.

The reason I left him the 1st time was because of this and he went to pieces and begged for another chance. I took him back when I could have had a shot of happiness, only to find myself in the same position again with more years wasted.

I have spoken to him about it and he just says the same thing .. but I like my job. The thing about him until he is at crisis point he will ignore the situation.

I am at the end of my tether. I have slumped into a depression and I spend my days sleeping, chatting online, sleeping some more feeling like shit basically. I dont feel close to anybody not even my family. The future looks bleak and I honestly feel like ending it all at times.

Have you thought of Relate? I suspect that he would be too busy to attend but I understand they see individuals in your type of situation. I kind of know how you feel, my partner worked shifts during the first three years of my Son's life. I worked full time and felt very low and lonely.

If you don't make him see what his work is doing to your relationship you will find a life that fills a gap for you. Either you will stay in the relationship and do this or you will leave and do this. Either way the relationship will wither.

Yes, and Relate will see you alone if he makes excuses not to go. They may not give you a magical solution to your problems, but they will help you work through your own thoughts on the subject.

Violetblue, no worries. I hope you can get through to him, just how bad you are feeling. Maybe explain that it's not the job that is the problem, just that he's like a stranger as he's never home. Surely he can find a decent balance?