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Original poster

My mum...she can't be 'right' - what is wrong with her??

54 replies

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 20/12/2010 11:07

Proper 'statley homes' parent - Hyacinth Bucket. She cannot have been a bad parents because I went to private school (though I became a failure haha). Anyway, she has done hundreds of threads worth of 'things', the latest though is one minute ringing to say she may get snowed in so if that happens could DH take her to work (I have landrover).Fine. RIngs back, got her car out onto a mainer road, so all is fine. Rings again in a hour to start being nasty out of the blue about how I didn't thank her for something (I always do, though it's not impossible I may have forgotten so I pointed out she never actually thanks DH and I for looking after her two dogs in my tiny house with a tiny baby and two other children and a dog of our own (I didn't tell her that the last time DS2 (2) opened the door and ran away with one of the dogs so I called the police as too many directions to check and the police referred me to SS because of the amount of dogs in the tiny house :( and thought I wasn't coping (well, 3 dogs, of course I wasn't!) She is always demanding of us - find her a house to buy, organise her removals - always snapping at me to do it. ANyway, she rang back, said about this thanking business, I said she never thanked us for looking after the dogs (3rd time since DS3 was born 5m ago) then she ripped into me saying I never have invited her for Christmas. She and my dad are divorced, he has always come to mine because he has no one and is grateful. Last year, when I was on my own (DH working) mum told me she was bringing my sister for champnage breakfast, arrived (I was breastfeeding DS2 still in the night and pregnant) and they arrived and both started into me about not being ready for them and I told them to leave (after my mum called me disgusting etc. for having dishes in the sink etc.) so it's no wonder I don't want her here. Besides, most years she and my sister spend it together but my sister cut her off this year (trivial reason, sis is prob. a bonkers as my mum). She has places she can go, I talked to her about it earlier ni the year but now she is shouting at me about it. I am scared she will get angry and come and bang on my door on Christmas day (she is the type of person to bang for hours and scream through your letterbox - she even got a neighbour to get a ladder and bang on my windows once). as she knows my dad is here. She hasn't rung since I hung up on her, I know beacuse she wants to tell everyone how awful I am to my poor sick mother (she lies all the time about having been in hospital). DO I ring her? What do I do? What the hell is wrong with her?

sorry for being long and no paragraphs Xmas Sad

OP posts:
MeowyChristmasEveryone · 20/12/2010 11:15

Leave her be.

She KNOWS that you feel obliged to maintain a relationship with her (whether that is true or not is irrelevant)

So, that begs the question, why DO you maintain a relationship with her when she repeatedly behaves so badly. Tell her that you know she has a number of people she can go to for Christmas, so until she has decided that she is going to behave better towards you, she had better take advantage of their hospitality.

If she has a strop, you have no control over that - she is TECHNICALLY an adult, even if she doesn't behave like one. She needs to start seeing the consequences of how she treats people, i.e. Her own daughter.

homeboys · 20/12/2010 14:55

This reply has been deleted

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msboogie · 20/12/2010 15:45

why do you have anything to do with her at all? why let her damage your family life? You don't have to you know.

atswimtwolengths · 20/12/2010 15:56

So sorry to laugh here, but:

"she sounds horrendous, could you invite her for boxing day lunch"

just made me laugh so much.

Your mum sounds like a nightmare and you have to stand up for yourself, not just in arguments but all of the time. You shouldn't have had her dogs that time - you know that, don't you? If she has dogs, she has to be responsible for them. It's not your responsibility. It sounds as though you have your hands full with your children, without adding to the problem.

The idea of someone turning up for a champagne breakfast on Christmas morning when you are pregnant and can't even drink the bloody thing sounds awful. If I turned up at my pregnant daughter's house on Christmas morning to find dishes in the sink, I'd put some music on and wash the dishes. That's what a normal mum would do. She had no right to shout at you. If she turns up on Christmas Day you should ask her if she wants to come in - don't get into a fight with her.

Do you have a partner? If so, what's he like with her? You sound as though you need help in tackling her over Christmas.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 20/12/2010 17:47

STOP THIS. STOP THIS NOW!

Just because she is your mother doesn't give her the right to ring you up, complain, berate and belittle you.

DON'T YOU DARE RING HER.

Everytime she starts to piss you off, cut her off. If you are up to it, better to not even answer her calls at all.

If she ever confronts you to your face about it, tell her it's your new thing, to only devote time to those that make you feel good about yourself. She only makes you feel bad, so therefore until she is able to hold a normal conversation without ranting at you, that you will be declining her calls/Visits etc. Tell her if she doesn't change then you will be taking a break from her. MEAN IT!

DON'T YOU DARE INVITE HER FOR ANYTHING! You have plans that would be rude to un-do. Rude to people who you WANT to spend time with, for the sake of one you don't? Er, no.

You are well within your rights - on this thread alone - to cut her off for good.

homeboys · 20/12/2010 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mathanxiety · 20/12/2010 18:55

Hopefully, she'll be snowed in for Christmas?

I vote for no invitation to anything, ever, and declining to do her favours or look after her dogs.

Would you choose her as a friend?

Part of what's wrong with her is that she's developed some very bad habits over the years and she needs retraining.

IAmReallyFabNow · 20/12/2010 18:59

What is wrong with her is that she is pissed off you don't say how high? when she says jump and you dared to stand up to her.

You don't have to talk to her just because she is your mother.

CarGirl · 20/12/2010 19:02

I would suggest changing phone numbers and just stop communicating with her. You wouldn't put up with that sort of behaviour from anyone else so why put up with it from her.

Why did your parents divorce I wonder Wink

GettinganIcyGrip · 20/12/2010 19:08

Sorry OP but had to laugh at your post.

Have a look at this

and this

I think you will find your mother there.

I have one of my own so you have my every sympathy.

GettinganIcyGrip · 20/12/2010 19:13

Mine is currently not apeaking to me as I asked her very politely not to tell my son something false and stupid about an important life choice he is making at the moment. Of course I put it more tactfully than that....

Oh well, never mind, she needs me more than I need her these days.

TheCrackFox · 20/12/2010 19:15

The important thing to hold onto is that you mother will never change. None of this is your fault, she is the one with the problem.

Try to limit contact where possible for the sake of your own sanity. Just because she gave birth to you does not give her the right to treat you in such an appalling manner.

oneortwo · 20/12/2010 19:20

I wouldn't have anyone in my home who treated me like that on front of my kids TBH.

Why call her back, sounds like you'll just be pacifying her till the next outburst, which she knows she can do to you at any time because you'll try to appease her.....
viscous cycle, but you are choosing to participate in it if you call back

oneortwo · 20/12/2010 19:21

"She cannot have been a bad parents because I went to private school"
am I the only one who can't work this out???

GettinganIcyGrip · 20/12/2010 19:31

Sometimes, oneortwo, when you have had a nightmare upbringing with an insane nutter for a parent (or two) , and you are just beginning to realise just how terrible the whole thing was and still is, one tends to clutch at any straw which will tell you that actually it IS all in your imagination, and they really were ok parents.

I did that very thing...as I wasn't sexually abused or actually murdered by my parents, I thought for many years (50) that it wasn't so bad.

After one year of psychotherapy I now know that actually it was so bad.

oneortwo · 20/12/2010 19:34

like getting taken to stately homes?

yeah FIL was a bad man, but he took DH to the National Gallery once a year so he reckons he must be a good father and clever/cultured to boot Hmm

DH doesn't but it though

oneortwo · 20/12/2010 19:35

'buy' it, not 'but' it!
did for a while when he was young, but it wears thin

GettinganIcyGrip · 20/12/2010 19:37

Exactly!

Original poster
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 20/12/2010 21:31

Jesus Christ @ those links. I thought nars. was more about thinking you are wonderful (though she does) but nearly every word of those rings true. Thankyou... [bit speechless]

OP posts:
Original poster
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 20/12/2010 21:33

She cannot have been a bad parents because I went to private school"

parent s

She thinks this, she thinks because we were oh so middle class I should be eternally greatful for ever having been blessed with her for a mother

OP posts:
Original poster
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 20/12/2010 21:45

"She does and says things just to be wounding or she engages in tormenting teasing or she needles you about things you?re sensitive about, all the while a smile plays over her lips"

from one of the links, I couldn't have worded it much better myself!

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 20/12/2010 21:46

It is a bit of a light bulb moment when you read it all isn't it? I found it very freeing when I worked out it wasn't me but her with the problem.

GettinganIcyGrip · 20/12/2010 22:56

The thing is Lemonadedrinker, this is a Personality Disorder. This is HER, and always has been and always will be.

There is nothing you can do but protect yourself and your children.

It's rather shit and very tiring. There's a lot of it about!

Tortington · 20/12/2010 23:00

she sounds like a nobber.

my measure is this...

would you allow someone who wasn't a member of your family to treat you this way? at a guess i would think not.

she is not entitled to act like a unt becuase she is your mother.

cut her off

pollyblue · 20/12/2010 23:28

Don't do her any more favours and don't look after her dog. Would you help out a friend who treated you like this? She sounds a bit unhinged and if anyone shinned up a ladder to bang on my bedroom windows I'd call the police I think......