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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mum...she can't be 'right' - what is wrong with her??

54 replies

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 20/12/2010 11:07

Proper 'statley homes' parent - Hyacinth Bucket. She cannot have been a bad parents because I went to private school (though I became a failure haha). Anyway, she has done hundreds of threads worth of 'things', the latest though is one minute ringing to say she may get snowed in so if that happens could DH take her to work (I have landrover).Fine. RIngs back, got her car out onto a mainer road, so all is fine. Rings again in a hour to start being nasty out of the blue about how I didn't thank her for something (I always do, though it's not impossible I may have forgotten so I pointed out she never actually thanks DH and I for looking after her two dogs in my tiny house with a tiny baby and two other children and a dog of our own (I didn't tell her that the last time DS2 (2) opened the door and ran away with one of the dogs so I called the police as too many directions to check and the police referred me to SS because of the amount of dogs in the tiny house :( and thought I wasn't coping (well, 3 dogs, of course I wasn't!) She is always demanding of us - find her a house to buy, organise her removals - always snapping at me to do it. ANyway, she rang back, said about this thanking business, I said she never thanked us for looking after the dogs (3rd time since DS3 was born 5m ago) then she ripped into me saying I never have invited her for Christmas. She and my dad are divorced, he has always come to mine because he has no one and is grateful. Last year, when I was on my own (DH working) mum told me she was bringing my sister for champnage breakfast, arrived (I was breastfeeding DS2 still in the night and pregnant) and they arrived and both started into me about not being ready for them and I told them to leave (after my mum called me disgusting etc. for having dishes in the sink etc.) so it's no wonder I don't want her here. Besides, most years she and my sister spend it together but my sister cut her off this year (trivial reason, sis is prob. a bonkers as my mum). She has places she can go, I talked to her about it earlier ni the year but now she is shouting at me about it. I am scared she will get angry and come and bang on my door on Christmas day (she is the type of person to bang for hours and scream through your letterbox - she even got a neighbour to get a ladder and bang on my windows once). as she knows my dad is here. She hasn't rung since I hung up on her, I know beacuse she wants to tell everyone how awful I am to my poor sick mother (she lies all the time about having been in hospital). DO I ring her? What do I do? What the hell is wrong with her?

sorry for being long and no paragraphs Xmas Sad

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 21/12/2010 08:20

I am very impressed with you all helping the OP and with her for taking it on board.

.

GettinganIcyGrip · 21/12/2010 09:46

Ask away Fab!

Niecie · 21/12/2010 10:14

Where are your DH and father in all this? You really need them to be backing you up. Could your DH field her phone calls for a while? Your mother seems to be trying to isolate you so you have no allies when she is on the attack - coming round your house when your DH isn't there, phoning presumably knowing that you are most likely to answer.

I also agree, cut her off, don't phone her back. I know from bitter experience that you can put forward a perfectly logical and 100% correct statement and it will be twisted and thrown back at you and you will be told black is white. You cannot argue with these people and it is not worth it, especially not this time of year when you should be enjoying your real family.

And if she comes banging on your door Christmas morning, call the police. If nothing else she is causing a breach of the peace to all your neighbours (although I do wonder how is persuaded a neighbour to let her have a ladder - maybe they deserve it! Wink)

monkeyflippers · 21/12/2010 10:35

What a nightmare! Has she always been like this? She sounds a bit mentally ill.

IAmReallyFabNow · 21/12/2010 13:55

I have to post and run as I need to pick up my children.

My mother chose to get pregnant in the hope my dad would stay with her, he left her very soon after and then from then on she would drop me like a hot potato when she got a boyfriend. She abandoned me in the social services and then when asked if she wanted me back said no as she had a boyfriend. She was given many chances to try and have me back but would always chose her boyfriend.

Now I have children she wants to know me.

Never in a million years will this woman see me or my kids. Ever.

oneortwo · 21/12/2010 17:56

just so you don't feel tumbleweeded, you may get less repsonses because you have made yourself and your children safe from her already, well done you!

mathanxiety · 21/12/2010 18:20

Fab, that must be the most horrible experience I have run across. Well done for your resolve and strength and for being a really protective mother for your own children.

IAmReallyFabNow · 21/12/2010 19:41

I don't know what tumbleweed/ed means Blush.

I have tired to talk about my mother on here before but I do it all wrong.

oneortwo · 21/12/2010 19:50

I meant not as many replies as you may have hoped for. I suspect the reason may be that you have taken yourself and your children out of the danger zone so don't need the fact that she was wrong and you didn't deserve that pointed out to you x

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 21/12/2010 21:41

Fab, all you need to know is that you have done the right thing.

Her treatment of you is all about HER. It speaks volumes of the failure SHE is.

You have taken the only right decision you could have taken, and that is to make sure that the damage she inflicts has stopped and will not continue onto your dearly beloved children.

What, if you are able to tell us Fab, are you looking for help with, how can we help you get over this and be content with the choice you have made?

IAmReallyFabNow · 21/12/2010 22:23
LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 21/12/2010 22:47

S'alright Fab, I'm, ahem, comfy..

Don't be DAFT, how can you regret leaving a woman who was never there for you?

My mum went NC with her family for 27 years, for much less severe circumstances. We knew her mother's name but had no interest in her really because we knew she'd been mean to our mum.

Just tell them the details that are non-emotional, the facts of her as it were, but the ins and outs only when you are able and they are old enough to understand the whys and what nots.

There are many things you will have to tell them that they must be older to hear.

In the meantime, she was not really interested in you and was not as supportive as she should have been.

Have you tried therapy? Have you tried any of the Toxic Parent books?

Have you tried Stately Homes thread? I hear it's awfully good!

IAmReallyFabNow · 22/12/2010 08:15

I can't remember the last time I spoke to my mother but the last time I saw her I just walked away. I haven't lived with her since I was about 2. If I was happy where I lived she caused problems so I had to move, again. If I was unhappy and in physical danger she never called.

I have had therapy but find it impossible to talk about her.

mathanxiety · 22/12/2010 15:43

Can you say to your DD that you just find it impossible to talk about her for now and ask her to respect that?

IAmReallyFabNow · 22/12/2010 16:24

That is a good idea, mathanxiety. I will try and remember that, thank you.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 22/12/2010 16:43

Bloody hell Fab.. Sad

Your DC will understand when they are old enough. You are right to keep them away from her.

IAmReallyFabNow · 22/12/2010 16:52

Shame my MIL doesn't feel the same. They have had secret contact. AngrySad

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 22/12/2010 17:10

NOOOO! Your MIL is not skilled to contact this woman

Your mother is manipulating her too.

Tell MIL if it's sides she wants to pick that's fine, but your DC will be protected against your mother.. and if MIL is part of the problem, she will end up with the same treatment.

FWIW, My grandmother, my mum's MIL never interfered with mums decision to not speak to her mother. She used to ask her if she was sure, and if anything could be done, but ultimately respected mums choice.

Your DP/H needs to have a word with his mother to just stay out of it. No good will come of it.

IAmReallyFabNow · 22/12/2010 17:14

Oh she pretty much knows how I feel about what she did but for the sake of my husband and children I didn't go nuclear like I wanted. If I catch her doing it again then that is it though and dh agrees. It cost us nearly £500 in legal advice and letters to try and protect my children.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 22/12/2010 17:19

Good for you, let her have the first time for nothing, but as you say, make sure sheknows that you WILL go postal if it happens again.

You really ARE doing the right thing.

IAmReallyFabNow · 22/12/2010 18:37

Thanks.

I wouldn't mind some time alone at MIL house as I don't believe she has stopped contact. I never would have believed she would betray me like that so can't believe she wouldn't do it again.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 22/12/2010 21:51

Let it go. If MIL wants contact with her, ultimately you can't stop her.

It doesn't mean that you have to have contact with your mother.

However if she is passing on information, then MIL needs to understand that for you to restrict access between her and your DC would be Oh so much easier than cutting off your own mother.

Iron fist, velvet glove.

Sparkletastic · 22/12/2010 21:55

OP - let 2011 be the year when you free yourself of your mother...

IAmReallyFabNow · 22/12/2010 22:11

Yes, she did pass on things to my mother. I fond out via a solicitor's letter. I was hurt and fuming. I told her how upset I was but I had to let it go.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 22/12/2010 22:20

Has your OH not told her off for this?

he bloody well needs to.

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