Know's it's been done b4 but this is getting me down now. (mans point of view neded as well!)

[munz]

have found my DH the past week looking at ahem sites which bother me - normal porn sites don't but these are ahem wispers bondage runs off furiously blushing - I wouldn't mind but he's always too tired for me - and he can't understand why i'm so down about it. am I just being touchy? as I say 'normal' porn I have no issues with but this stuff is a bit much I think - or am I a prude? is this normal PG hormones?

to top it all off we're not really talking too much, (have been thinking about things on the way in to work in the car) he comes home (I have to clean the house other wisae I get an ear full he's worked all day etc.. - boo bloody hoo I'm also working f/t and am 17 weeks PG! then I put the dinner on we sit down and eat it (he tells me about his day I tell him mine etc we have a bit of a giggle) have dinner I take the plates out to the kitchen and say can u load the dishwasher - after all if i've tidyed and cooked why should I also load the dishwasher cos he comes in and dumps his stuff where ever it may land. anyhow this happened last night - again! yes dear after simpsons - he fell asleep in the chair half way thru.

Now I know he's done a week of working every other day 24 hours a shift and is still tired form that but really - we don't talk about anything after tea normally he goes on the comp and looks at god knows what, (normally porn I think) I wacth my soaps etc then we go to bed at 10pm, normally talk in bed for about half hour ish then go to sleep.

I just feel he's puttin in no effort - am I asking too much? was ur DH's like this when u were PG? on the whole he's a fab husband and i'm sure he'd never cheat or anything - althou I have wondered, but 99% sure he wouldn't (after all the one time I did try to leave him he took 2 weeks off work to sort out the problems and things were a lot better) we've been together 6 years, married 2.5, is it the 7 year thingy?

any man's points of view on the porn would be appriciated. (sorry it's so long)

just me being sensitve then

Munz, you must be feeling really bad especially with a baby on the way. I can only say that you need to stop trying to tell him and start showing him.

You think you are not spending enough time together, find something to do together that he cannot get out of.

You think you don't talk enough, don't talk about the fact that you don't talk just find a place that you can talk.

Basically initiate things without making them an issue. I don't know this is what I would do.

Why are you so bothered about the bondage stuff if normal porn does not bother you? I personally would not worry about it much, sometimes we just need to feed our imagination . It does not necessarily mean that we want to partake.

Tbh the bondage stuff would bother me. I'll ask dh when he gets back in for his perspective.

What about getting a cleaner - you both work ft and you're pregnant. You could say to dh - we get a cleaner or you do half.

Sorry Munz, I don't have experience of this.

I was the one who went off sex when I was pg. Did read into it a lot, and mostly I found the stuff about men not wanting to risk harming the baby and so avoiding sex.

As we remain tired and ds's are now 2 and 4, dh and I often have sex shortly after boys gone to bed and before our tea (or even when they're having their afternoon nap)! Or very occasionally first thing in the morning. Both occasions when we can't claim to be tired! And does feel a bit naughty, which makes it more fun.

Good luck for better advice from others...

I'd make him bloody clean instead of looking at wank stuff on the pc for hours

lazy bugger

tbh I don't know norash, it's just bothering me and when I told DH he just shrugged.

I do try to talk but it's normally I'm not bothered i'm not intrested. etc..

moneys a bit tight at the mo, so all we really do together is 'movie' nights with a box office or walk the dogs, so not much really. althou we did plan a night out on friday.

I'm probably being hard on him, but it feels like there's no effort on his part. althou poor bloke can't win as my hormones are so erratic.

enid - he cleans on fridays when i'm at work and he's not, but no other time.

we can't afford a cleaner, and I did say r u worried about the baby and he said no - he just wants a rest after TTC all the time.

was thinking about early morning wake ups for him! - will ahhve to wkae him early as it's normally noon b4 he's up!

thanks nevada for gettin ur DH's advice.

Munz.. don't panic about the porn thing.. I think most men look at porn.. some may not.. some women hotly declare 'my husband does NO need/look at porn!' and perhaps they are right.. But.. on balance I still think most men look at porn, given the opportunity (and the internet provides them with opportunities) and furthermore, most would browse such things as bondage if it caught their eye! I mean, bondage sure isn't everyone's cup of tea.. but it's nothing too drastic is it? I actually KNOW of couples whio indulge in it as just a bit of fun and games as part of their love life.

I think your DH sounds nice on the whole. When you are both knackered, its so easy to resent the little things here and there that seem unfair.. and very easy to start totalling up 'who does what.. and how much' in your head. My DH and I are constantly vying with each other about who has had the least sleep..and who should be doing what.. except we now do it openly.. sometimes jokingly, often not!

I think the best part of your post is that you say you talk... I know you started but saying you don't talk much.. but you say you chat over dinner and at bed time. A great many couples don't talk anything like that much.. and the fact that you do gives you the opportunity to have him reassure you about the things you are worried about. Its sounds as if he values your relationship and will take your concerns seriously. You don't necessarily need to say to him 'I don't think you are making enough effort'... and put him immediately on the defensive.. but you could explain to him that you are feeling tried, upset and insecure about things. He obviously loves you.. he would probably do his best to help you feel better and maybe take practical steps to help as well. And tell him about the bondage worries! (Maybe offer to let him tie you up??! )

Good luck

SJ x

how much cleaning do you do every day?

just dont do it.

enid - only about 2 hours a day, and then all sat morning for a big clean. tbh althou he's army and a v good cleaner - it's not done to my cleaning - I know being picky there.

SJ - u brought a tear to my eye, thank you. I know i'm v v lucky finding him, he really is a catch but well I jsut feel a bit taken for granted iycwim.

we do have a bandage starter pack I bought as a joke form AS but we've never used it - might have to start to.

I'd rather he looked at porn than go off with someone else - i've always said that to him, but this morning I was looking on down loads and it's all porn - that's the big thing that gets to me - what's the need to down load so much porn? - perhaps I should give it a shot watching some as well with him?

why on earth do you have to stoop to his level?

stop feeling he is such a 'catch' and tell him to pull his bloody finger out woman!!

lol - thanks enid. he is a catch - just one who lets me do all the work! (acting like a boy instead of a man)

we were talking about the baby actually in bed two days ago, he says he can't imagion him slef as a dad, and he's immature - so I said well u need to grow up then maybe not the best thing to say.

no, totally correct thing to say (chez Enid anyway)

Munz. don't feel you have to (with the bondage thing!).. but you could go into it with a sense of humour! Maybe don't ask him.. jus surprise him and say 'Right! I am foing to tie YOU up! :D)' (And then do something that he will find irresistable.. ahem! )

Looking at porn, I don't think, is not related to the desire to go off with someone else.. at least I hope not because DH is bloody well downloading it all the time! You would never know we had broadband because the speed of this thing is crap.. chugging along like dial-up - because he is always downloading some pornographic delight for his own amusement!! (I have seen what he downloads.. in my mind its no big deal - although it might be to some I guess - and it's certainly nothing dodgy or sick obviously..). The only concerns I have are the speed of the internet connection, and makiung sure it is well hidden on the pc so it doesn't get accessed by one of the kids!

Try to relax a bit love. And do like Enid said.. do less housework if you are too tired. Housework is just horsework.. it doesn't change the world if it's done or not!

SJ x

I would nip this in the bud and retrain the man before the baby comes along.
If he is falling asleep infront of the telly now well it will pee you off a hundred times more when you have your hands full. Slowly get his energy levels risen, his cleaning skills revised, maybe his porn obsession slightly downgraded. Infact if i was you i would take to your bed and say your ill until he learns how to look after himself again.

Housework.. not horsework ..altho bit of freudian slip there!

thanks SJ, this is so unlike me to get upset over such a silly thing - I do worry about our children seeing the porn. so far everytime i've planned a night of passion something's come up - last weekend it was him working - starting to feel like a sex crazed maniac!

Munz,

Am sorry its like this. If you log onto Radio2's website there was a programme slot about men looking at internet porn earlier this week on the Jeremy Vine show. You should be able to find details of this on there, it may help you.

Porn, if it becomes an addiction, can become very problematic in a relationship to deal with and work through. It is not something that can be brushed under the carpet, looking at porn for hours on end on the internet can be damaging to the relationship. Porn addiction is far more serious than many people realise.

Do you feel your DH has become dependent on porn?. BTW this is NOT your fault in any way that this has happened, it is no reflection on you. He made a conscious choice to look at this stuff. You are not to blame.

It goes without saying that you will need to talk with him about this and the other things that are bothering you. I would suggest you contact Relate too either by yourself or as a couple. You may well have to take the internet away from him; if the internet is not in the house he cannot look at porn on it.

hi meeks,

will look at the site, I don't know if i'd say he was addicted.

we did look into counciling when we first got married as we had some issues then, but managed to sort things out between ourselves.

hopefully when we talk tongiht/after we go out on the weekend things will get better.

I don't want to accuse him so he gets defensive or attack him with regards to the cleaning etc.. (just think we've both got sloppy with each other him inparticular)

Meerkat.. I am not sure Munz is describing an internet addiction... it doesn't sound at all like that to me. I get what you are saying.. but not sure that is what this is.

I suppose you could call my DH's 'interest' far more of an 'addiction' than you could Munz's DH's... mine seems to be constructing an entire library of the stuff .. but he sees it more of a 'hobby'... I just think he just has a healthy if somewhat-pervy interest in sex! I am not worried.. and I worry about everything normally I can assure you!

I know this is not about me though. Just wanted to mention the above in case Munz feels somewhat panicked unecessarily. None of us are perfect after all! Many of us here have an 'unhealthy to our relatiopnships and homelife' addiction to MN after all! I know I do!

SJ x

sj - no it's ok thanks, trying to get as many views as possible.

when we first got married his excuse was he wanted to construct a porn web site , anyhow went by the by and it all stopped, I have been going behind him deleting some of the stuff, but I just feel i'm being ignored when I mention it.

the fact I feel frumpy isn't really helping either

the internet's in his name so there's little I can do about taking it off - thankfully we're unlimited Downloads on BB so only £14.99 per month.

yes I supose I do have my MN he has porn - still not quite the same league is it - this is reserch for my new baby!

First the porn...
When I discovered porn site on our PC that Dh had been looking at I said to him "How would yo feel if I was sitting up at night looking st men with bigger willies and better bodies than you?
just to get a cheap thrill..."

Say that to your Dh, I better he wouldn't be happy about you doing it.

I am 100% sure he's not done it again as I know my way aound the Pc better than him(which still isn't brilliantly) and he wouldn't know how to delete the stuff properly.

I also said I had this horrible sworded image of him sitting in from of the Pc having a wank. He was mortified at that!

Now the cleaning....

I'm going to be brutally honest here.
You are 17 weeks PG(is this your 1st?), working full time and still doing 99% of it all. You said you clean for 2 hours a day...2 HOURS, when the baby comes you'll be lucky to do that in a week. If it is just you and DH I'm shocked that you have 2 hours worth of cleaning for just 2 people. There are 5 of us and I do about 1 hour per day....but not everyday!

You need to chill and he really needs to help. If you let him just sit down and not help now it's going to be one hell of a shock when the baby does arrive and you're feeding/busy with him/her.

When he walks through the door tonight as him what he's cooking because you're exhausted form working fulltime and then doing verything at home..

lth - that would be lovely but his responce would be i'm not hungry (or words to the effect of)

the cleaning is mainly an issue as we have 2 dogs, and most to the time it's DH's crap from the night b4 I'm cleaning up/the dinner stuff from the night b4. this is our first yes.

unfortunatly my DH know's his way around the comp 1000 times better than me so he can hide stuff etc so I have no idea - so i'd think it's all ok when it wouldn't be iycwim? - I think we'll sit down tonight and have a good old chat about things, I just want to burst into tears all the time or have a hug, and I think he's struggalin with the clingy stage i'm going thru - which is totally not like me at all.

Hi Sleepyjess,

Having thought about this some more I would say it is not an addiction yet - but if he keeps looking at such sites he may well become addicted or at least become less sensitised to such material and look at more "graphic" sites for further "thrills". When a person looks at such sites the body produces its own chemicals which in part forms the dependency. It has the potential to become a big problem in their marriage, looking at porn is certainly not going to help any as well if there are other issues involved.

Munz,

I do hope that DH and your good self can get these issues straightened out. If all else fails will you consider going to Relate, will he be willing to attend do you think?. If not, you may want to go there on your own. I would reiterate that the porn issue is not of your making and you are not to blame - he made a conscious choice to start looking at such sites.

Was wondering how his Mum treated him when he was at home, did she wait on him hand and foot?.