I love him, he loves me, but ...

[CJCreggnog]

Can't be arsed to namechange. And probably ought to put this in Lone Parents. But here goes ...

DP and I are both divorced, both have youngish DCs. His live with his ex, he sees them every other weekend. Mine see their dad every other weekend too. On the weekends where neither of us have our DCs, we're together. The rest of the time I'm a single mum.

He's lovely. Really lovely. We've been together about a year and a half and I really feel he's the one I've been waiting all my life to meet.

The problem is that we used to talk about living together and now he's backing off. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but is worried that the thought of living day-to-day with me and the DCs frightens him. So basically we're like teenagers every other weekend, having a lovely child-free time with no stresses, then I go back to my rather depressing single mum life with no proper job and nothing fulfilling to focus on, while he gets on with his job and pretty much leads a bachelor life.

I'm scared to put pressure on and yet I can't carry on leading two lives. I really love him but I can't see how we can carry on like this, and I'm worried that I'm going to get increasingly insecure and needy. I'm already losing sight of what is important to me, just trying to hold on to this relationship.

Sorry this is so long. I've been dithering over whether to post it for weeks. So it's all kind of spewed out. But am going to take the plunge and press 'post'.

Please be kind. This is the first time I've really, truly loved someone so deeply and I'm so frightened of losing it.

Whatever you do don't push to live together. He's sending you very clear signals that it's not a good idea!!!

Hi CJ

The problem and the joy of all relationships is that they don't stand still they evolve constantly and progress or wither.

What do you know about the breakdown of his marriage?

Is he someone who wants to live the single life and have the benefit of a regular girlfriend without the hassle?

And how do your DC feel about him? Could he have picked up any tension from them? Does he ever spend time with them?

(Just trying to get a feel for what his agenda is)

Thanks for the replies. You're right - it's compromise either way. I can't bear the thought of losing this relationship, but it's not going to be how I want it to be, so I have to decide what I'm prepared to accept and whether it's worth it.

Fuck, that's scary though.

Nonames, his marriage broke down because it was an unhappy one, they were wrong for each other (v similar to mine). I'm not just saying that, I have met her and I know they had very little in common.

He says it's totally different with me, and admits that if we lived together it could be totally brilliant. But he's also seeing the worst case scenario, which is that the kids and me being a mum drive him mad. They are quite young and full-on, and since my divorce are very dependent on me and demanding of attention (this is something else I have to address ).

I think part of the problem is the common one of 'someone else's children'. But it's also true that he likes his quiet life. He wants me but not the kids, I think is the bottom line.

Shit. Sorry, I'm kind of working this one out for myself as I type it out.

Totally agree with shineon - I've so been there.

Eventually, no matter how much you like him, it will become clear how committed he is.

There's a kind of dance that can happen in these situations (for want of a better expression). You bring up the subject of the future every now and again - he looks shifty and says not at the moment, but maybe in the future. Things then get a bit better, seem lighter. You've communicated. Great. But then neither of you really hears what the other one is really saying, just what you want to hear. What you are saying is that you want a life together under one roof, he's saying he doesn't. (But maybe in the future - after all, why not keep your options open in case you warm to the idea later?)

Things don't ever change with these things. If you think you can live with the status quo indefinitely, then don't bother to say anything. If you definitely need the comfort/greater level of commitment and more time together with someone, then think carefully. You don't have to leave things up to him. Maybe give yourself a time limit?

I've been exactly in this type of thing before. I absolutely adored him, and thought it would break my heart if it ended, so I never pushed it. Somehow, it all came spilling out anyway about what I wanted, and he finally said 'no, we're never going to live together'. There was no hiding after that, we split. It was awful at the time, and I thought I'd never love anyone like I loved him (it was all the stronger because of his resistance.) But actually, I did meet someone else who was lovely, a mature character though younger than me. He hasn't messed me around, he's been wanting the same things as me. We got married a few years ago, life's so much more fun now (though I advise losing the fairytale ending thing right now!).

So, things can turn out really well as long as you don't lose sight of your individuality and what you want. You can end up really needy if you're with someone who doesn't want the same things as you.

X posted. Sounds like he'd like to cherry pick the bits he'd like, rather than being prepared to really get his hands dirty, as it were.

Suppose that's OK if you're willing to settle for that. He obviously loves what he has with you now, but it really is the best of what's on offer with you (in his eyes). He's probably unlikely to put his hands up for anything extra.

Sounds like it's over to you. Surely you don't have to break up with him, but maybe you could mentally open the door to someone new, who wants to really be part of the picture properly.

To be honest, he sounds (from what you've typed) more of a Friend With Benefits than a dp. You want someone who is going to be there for the long haul, in the bad bits as well as the good. He's not sure he can commit to that - understandable when you've come off the back of a divorce. The set-up now seems to suit him very well (I'm certainly not suggesting he planned it this way but it's how it's evolved).

Do you speak to him during the week? I assume you do. So in some ways he's shares in your life, just remotely.

What do your kids think of him? Would a trial of living together (for a week, say) be possible? Don't know if that would be just too confusing, or if you could frame it as "having a friend to stay for the week"?

I know - it's very tricky. His kids are lovely and sweet but I wouldn't want them all the time! Except that part of me loves the idea of all of us being together. We quite often get all four children together at weekends and they get on well. The problem is, as Shiney says, the every day aspect.

The reason I want to live with him is because we're so happy when we're together. I really miss him when he's not around. And I hate living two different lives. I'm prepared to put up with it, though. To me, it's better to have the love - which is beyond anything I've ever had before - than not. But you're right, I do feel I'm losing a sense of my own individuality and becoming too dependent.

I'm so grateful for all your responses. You are all very lovely and wise.

True! You can't live with someone else's kids and stay detached - it's probably not being with you at all, CJ. It's probably the idea of step-parenting your kids. And, having been going through exactly all of that here, I have to say, it's no picnic. Honestly. We're getting through it, but it's bloody hard work on all of us. Certainly can take the shine out of things.

Parenting on your own can be lonely, but having someone new on the scene must be very stressful if they don't 100% want to be there. It may lead to the downfall of everything anyway..

I know this all sounds like the voice of doom, but you can keep the status quo if that's the best of it for you too. Could all feel different when the kids are older.. but I know it's when they're quite young that you really need someone there to look out for you (if you're so inclined - some prefer to be alone.)

My kids like him and know that he's important to me. And they get on with his kids. They're quite possessive, though! Which is one reason why I wouldn't get into a living-together scenario, if it ever got to that, unless I was sure it was a real commitment.

CJC, I don't often post (I don't think I'm terribly good at giving objective advice). I am in exactly the same position as you and, from my experience, disagree with those who suggest that the fact he is being a little evasive about moving in with you and your DC suggests a lack of commitment.

Exact same set up as you regarding DP after 1 1/2 years together, and I spend weekends like you. My relationship with exP is very amicable and easy. DP has only managed to see his children regularly through a court order. In truth I would love DP to move in (and will freely admit that this might have something to do with my working from home, which along with being a lone parent can be a bit isolating) but I know this is not right for him (for now). While a very protracted and acrimonious divorce went through (before I knew DP) he lived in a tiny bedsit; when he did see his DC he would have to book into a hotel with them. He now has a house (chosen not just because it was affordable but also because it was only about 5 miles from me ) and with contact and some decorating under his belt, is building a home for him and his DC. He does not want to serve up a package to them that is me, my DC, my house (and us all selling up and starting afresh for various reasons is not possible). His DC know he probably spends more time with my DC than with them, and I think if very important to him that his DC have somewhere they can think of as 'home' with his, running it the way they are used to.

I do understand (took me a bit of time). I'm not sure if we will ever live together and I am not sure if that is now uppermost in my mind as I know how committed we are to each other, and we have certainly moved a long way from asking each other what our plans are for Christmas/holidays etc, as it is just accepted those will be together.

I am not sure if this helps but if you can I would try and not see the 'setting up' together as the goal, but rather enjoying time together, planning some things together but not others.

Wasn't actually trying to suggest he isn't committed, OP (don't want to depress you, it will lessen any objectivity you have even more). I just wanted to say that he may feel he really does have the best of it as things are. Not that he doesn't love you enough, etc.

Things aren't that black and white. There are other ways he can support you when he's not there (thank heavens for modern technology) and hopefully you also have friends who do that, too.

I've come through the other side of a similar situation (and we just happened to split up), and now that I DO live with someone new who wanted the whole package - and was free to offer it - it's not 'roses round the door' all the time.

I left a relationship similar to yours because I decided I wanted more. You don't have to change anything, the grass isn't always greener.

Well he wants you and not the kids would be grounds for ending things now your kids are a non negotiable part of you forever .. You come as a package. So if you can't cope with just staying bf and gf then I think you are wasting hour time with him, and preventing yourself finding someone who does want you as you are.

There really is no rush to move in together (it's not a case of you being childfree and worrying about your body clock running down). It's simply not true that dating someone has to progress at a steady pace from first date to first shag to moving in/engagement to marriage. It's perfectly possible to have a good time with someone who you only see at weekends, for a long period of time.
And it might well screw up your current enjoyable relationship to set up home with your DP and all your communal kids given that they are all by the sound of it quite young - the two of you will end up with a relationship that consists of wiping arses and noses, refereeing squabbles and panicking about monehy.
Right now, chill out and enjoy what you have. SOmething else that might be useful would be to think of other ways to get more adult company into your life: you say you work at home and are a little isolated, that's something you need to address in ways that are not about a couple-relationship; you need friends.

Thanks, everyone. undermyskin, how weird that you are in the same position. Really appreciate you posting.

I think the whole thing has been the elephant in the room for a long time. It was something we talked about a lot, and then became a subject that was avoided. We did have a long talk about it last weekend that didn't really get anywhere, except that I said I thought we should leave it because I don't want to put any pressure on. I think perhaps I should tell him I'm not even going to think about it any more.

I also think that this is affecting me on other levels. I have huge abandonment ishoos. So I kind of want all or nothing, and find something in between very difficult. It makes me feel 'not good enough', but I know this is a self-esteem issue - I can't rely on someone else to make me feel good, blah blah blah. Easy to understand the theory, less easy to implement in practice.

So it's making me feel insecure. And that leads to neediness and all that bollocks.

SGB, I have friends! That's not a problem. Getting out to see people is hard, though, without paying babysitters etc.

CJC: Ok, you posted that you were lonely and isolated - if you have friends, can they not come and visit you sometimes? Do none of them have kids? It is utterly untrue that having a live-in partner is the answer to everything, what it is more likely to mean is more housework for you and more free babysitting for him.

Actually sounds ideal to me, the one bloke I saw after breaking up with ex was very full on and wanted to meet kids and build a life together etc and so on, it was too much and I can't ever see myself wanting that. Would love to meet someone who was happy to remain on the peripheral as far as kids and living together were concerned.

Agree 100% with SGB, as usual.

I think the clue is in your OP, about how to handle this best.
'..then I go back to my rather depressing single mum life with no proper job and nothing fulfilling to focus on..'

If you make him your focus, you could well lose him.

I understand the insecurity.
i think you need to work on these other issues - it's really hard to imagine at this stage but one day, with some therapy, counselling, deep thinking etc you could be in a place where you can take or leave a relationship.

I was just like you for many years in that respect, feeling lost without the bloke I was seeing, and then I had a few years where I was not involved. And during that time - hard though it was to begin with - I had therapy, did writing and thinking and all that stuff and basically got on with my own life.
And weirdly, without even noticing it happening, I became much more secure. I started to realise that not only did I not need a man around, but I really couldn't be bothered to live with one.

I am happy - and suddenly I have a relationship again, it's casual enough, as well as deeply fulfilling but at the same time the idea of living with him doesn't really matter to me.
He's part of my life and that's really nice. But I don't think about him the whole time or really even miss him when he isn't here.

And I think really this is so important. It's just easy peasy. But you have to be strong enough inside, without him making up the lost bits - iyswim

Good luck, don't fret, I really like Shiney's advice on this thread in particular.

The more you worry the more he will back off. Accept you have some issues to overcome and try to separate them from your expectations of him, and you'll be Ok.

Flight, you're absolutely right, of course.

Well I'm glad you think so! And I reckon with your self awareness you will be fine.

It's when people don't know what they're doing, or why, that it crashes and burns.

Seriously though I could never understand how someone wouldn't need a man, until very recently. It's a bizarre feeling.