I love him, he loves me, but ...

[CJCreggnog]

Can't be arsed to namechange. And probably ought to put this in Lone Parents. But here goes ...

DP and I are both divorced, both have youngish DCs. His live with his ex, he sees them every other weekend. Mine see their dad every other weekend too. On the weekends where neither of us have our DCs, we're together. The rest of the time I'm a single mum.

He's lovely. Really lovely. We've been together about a year and a half and I really feel he's the one I've been waiting all my life to meet.

The problem is that we used to talk about living together and now he's backing off. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but is worried that the thought of living day-to-day with me and the DCs frightens him. So basically we're like teenagers every other weekend, having a lovely child-free time with no stresses, then I go back to my rather depressing single mum life with no proper job and nothing fulfilling to focus on, while he gets on with his job and pretty much leads a bachelor life.

I'm scared to put pressure on and yet I can't carry on leading two lives. I really love him but I can't see how we can carry on like this, and I'm worried that I'm going to get increasingly insecure and needy. I'm already losing sight of what is important to me, just trying to hold on to this relationship.

Sorry this is so long. I've been dithering over whether to post it for weeks. So it's all kind of spewed out. But am going to take the plunge and press 'post'.

Please be kind. This is the first time I've really, truly loved someone so deeply and I'm so frightened of losing it.

Flight's right.

I think a semi-detached relationship is pretty ideal in the circumstances of being a lone parent who doesn't want any more DC's TBH and it's one I would want - I don't want a bloke to move in on my space and expect me to pick up his socks.

Except for one thing: sex. Sex every weekend is really rationed isn't it? Can everyone really live with that little sex within a relationship?

Anyway OP if you're happy with the level of sex, then I think wot Flight said: concentrate on making your life nice and happy and contented without a man in it, and then you can truly see this man as enhancing your life rather than being the aim of it, IYSWIM. A relationship which isn't aiming at cohabitation can be just as valid and life-enhancing, as one which is.

Thanks!

We only do it about every 3 weeks, but it's fine, it's enough for us. Too busy much of the time to even think about sex tbh.

I remember the moment I realised i didn't want to live with him - though I would happily do his socks! - it was such a revelation that for the first time I didn't feel guilty, anxious or scared that I wasn't following the proscribed life pattern...not wanting to live with someone you adore? How odd!

But I feel it is totally valid. Moreso in fact than some traditional setups.

When I was married I had sex about once every three months

So the amount I'm getting now is plenty - we see each other once in the middle of the week as well.

It's just made such a difference to my life having someone who really loves me and who I love so much back. So I want as much as I can get ... But I can't let that define me. There are other factors that I don't want to go into that would make it potentially complicated, so I'll keep the status quo and stop worrying.

I guess one thing that niggles about the 'separate lives' scenario is that the people who did that most famously were Woody and Mia - and look how that turned out

Another one here who would actually like the set up described.

I don't want to take on anyone else's dcs, I wouldn't want a man here full time (partially due to a controlling/EA exh)

I think there's alot of societal pressure to progress relationships along a pre determined route and also still some insistence that a woman needs a man to validate her.

But its actually quite liberating to realise that this does not necessarily have to be the case.

You have all really helped me to see this more clearly, and to weigh up what matters - thank you.

Need to focus on what I need, what's important for my kids and make the most of having this wonderful man. Not following the prescribed formula but finding a way that works.

OK, the most important thing anyone will ever tell you:
Real, happy, free, liberated life begins when you understand that the 'ideal heteromonogamous life' is a load of crap. It's not compulsory to have a partner, to have a monogamous relationship, to marry, or to have children ever. It's not compulsory to have sex, ever, if you don't want to. Lots of other people are not doing these things, and they are neither unhappy nor mad nor in danger of arrest. Life is what you want to make it.

As others said, you should just savour time together but find other things to fill the rest of the space. Don't put too too much emoitional reliance on this relationship...enjoy. Do you really want to know about/suffer his bad living habits anyway?

I'm glad we've helped a bit, OP!

SGB, I used to think you were a bit radical but tbh I want to print out that post in fancy gold lettering and stick it on my wall.

and my parents' wall

Thankyou.

How I failed to acknowledge your evident wisdom over the last few years I have no idea!

Glad too if the responses have helped you see it all in a postive light. If you feel good about yourself in this relationship, enjoy it for what you have, rather than undermining that for the sake of convention.

I am really overwhelmed by the depth of the responses I've had.

I don't know what I was expecting, but I think on one level I thought I'd get a range of 'bin him' or 'make it work' responses. I just didn't know which way to turn. I'm normally a fairly private person and don't post much unless it's on a jokey thread, but I suddenly felt the need to put this out there and get some opinions.

You have all been fabulous. Really made me think, very deeply, and on a much broader level than I have been up till now.

I think part of me does feel that I should follow the formula - that somehow it's not 'right' unless you go down that path. I read far too much romantic fiction at an impressionable age ...

But I've also spent a lot of time alone or in an unhappy marriage - I was Bridget Jones and then Madame Bovary .

I really love this man and being with him lifts me up and makes me happier than I've ever been. I miss him when I'm not with him because he's my friend. That's a revelation to me, and that's why I want more! But you have really opened my eyes to the realities of the situation - it's good the way it is, it doesn't have to be anything more or less.

Sorry, rambling now. But I just wanted to say how blown away I am by all of your responses.

Hello,

I love the responses on this thread but, OP, I see that you often put yourself down when talking about what you want. "I read too much romantic fiction", etc. IT's OK TO WANT WHAT YOU WANT!

This is no help, but I'm the same as you and after 1.5 years, I'd bloody well want to know the relationship was progressing too!

So I can see things from your position. Really, I'd have thought that if he truly adored you as much as he says he does, he's want to be with you more often to help you with the day-to-day life with kids.

Don't tell him you're not going to think about it anymore. That's just doormatty, if it's something you want. You'd be better off telling him that you're going to have a SERIOUS THINK about whether or not this relationship is enough for you. Take 2 weeks to think about it. Don't contact him in that time - see how you feel without him, after the intial "I miss him" has worn off.

I think it'll be fab to get to a place where you don't want/need/aspire to live with a partner. But you're not there yet. Work on getting there but also work on having the guts to define what you want from life/love/men/people/kids without second-guessing yourself or being talked out of it.

And please please don't think that he's the last man on Earth. That'd be v easy to do now, to hang on to him and this part-tie relationship because you never think you'll get anyone as nice as him again. I bet when you split from your XH you went through a period of feeling you'd never meet anyone again - and look, you did, and even nicer!

part-time relationship, I mean.

Actually, in those 2 thinking weeks, start looing fo a job or an OU course or SOMETHING ELSE to fill up your life. A lot (I'd say 99%) of this neediness is because you DO Actually need him because you don't have any other goals set in place for the future. He is your future at the moment.

Fill your head with dreams of stuff you can achieve for yourself and pretty soon he'll be banging on your door asking to be let in more often.

Thanks again for your responses. Beautiful, you're right - I'm not there yet. And this relationship is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time, so I feel very positive about it. I'm going to focus on doing stuff that makes me feel better about myself and keep things how they are - I don't want or need to give ultimatums, I'm happier than I've been for years.