Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

is it wise to carry on dating such a man?

44 replies

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 18/12/2010 23:00

in his late 40s, never married, no kids
loads of past relationships, as well as

many casual sex partners (not any more apparently)

had a very tough childhood which he's

talked about from virtually date no.1 (the crap childhood bit I can handle, it's the fact that he's told me so much about it from so early on)

is still in touch with most of his exes

(and there's a lot of them) and has many women friends. He actually says he prefers women to men

seems to drink rather a lot (the other

night after we parted after a date and he'd had a bottle of wine to himself, he asked me to drop him off at the pub so he could carry on drinking on his own)

Why am I seeing him? He's clever and attractive and enjoyable company and makes me feel desirable. Am just dating at the moment and don't want to get too involved with anyone as am recently divorced and just testing the water. But wondering if this one has too much baggage....

OP posts:

starsareshining · 18/12/2010 23:21

How long have you been seeing him? The things which would worry me right now are:

Talking about his childhood with you when he barely knew you
Drinking a lot

The others may or may not bother me depending on how I felt about him in general and how long I'd known him. It's difficult to get a real feel for a person from a few bullet points!

NorthernLurker · 18/12/2010 23:23

Too much previous of shagging and moving on

Pantofino · 18/12/2010 23:27

Hmm. If I wrote down stuff about DH when I first met him/we first got together (10 years apart) - even I would probably say avoid, avoid.

The fact that he never married or had kids would not be a killer. If he has NEVER had a proper relationship say live in by late 40s would worry me more.

StuffingGoldBrass · 18/12/2010 23:29

Are you of an age to be broody? If so, then it might be better to move on as this man will not make a decent father without a lot of work.
If you are post-childbearing and therefore not worried about time running out for you to have a baby, then date him, if you like him. Do not, however set up home with him or marry him. You say yourself that you are really only into lighthearted dating at the moment, and someone like this (entertaining but with baggage) is quite good to date unless/until you get bored with his problems or he starts to drink more/get aggressive/want to borrow money, at which point you can just walk away.
Nothing you say suggests he might be a danger to you, or abusive, and there's absolutely no obligation to move in with someone just because you've dated and had sex with the person a few times - enjoy his good points and don't let the bad ones become your problem.

Snorbs · 18/12/2010 23:30

Based on what you have written then my suspicions would be he's a charming, heavy drinking womaniser. I'd keep it casual and not expect any serious commitment.

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 18/12/2010 23:31

I've been seeing him all of 3 weeks. It's the way he mentions his abusive dad rather a lot that concerns me. I think he's had quite a few live-in things and his longest relationship lasted 3 years - not very long for someone his age.

Last night he referred to himself as a "sarcastic bastard" - and boy do I dislike arrogant men, my exH was one...

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 18/12/2010 23:33

What SGB said.

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 18/12/2010 23:34

Oh yes, forgot to mention, he's already said he's re-organising his holiday in January so he's not away from me for too long and has pushed me to tell him whether I'm serious or not. I find this at odds with what I know about him....

OP posts:

StuffingGoldBrass · 18/12/2010 23:36

How do you really feel about dating him? If he makes you angry and uncomfortable and embarrassed, dump right now. If he talks a lot of rubbish but is a great shag, maximise the opportunities for shagging but minimize the opportunities for him to talk at you.
Just do what feels right, basically, and remember that no one is entitled to a longterm or ongoing relationship with a specific individual if that individual doesn't want to engage in or continue the relationship - just dump him when you've had enough.

Snorbs · 18/12/2010 23:38

What is the worst that would happen if you said "Actually, no, I'm not feeling that serious about you yet. Let's just see how it goes"?

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 18/12/2010 23:44

Hear what you're saying SGB and Snorbs. And am menopausal so that's not an issue! He was being a bit over-attentive/slimy towards a teenage girl the other night with me sitting right next to him though and is already criticising my appearance - as in why do you wear this and you look better without your glasses. OK if you've been married for a zillion years but at this stage?

OP posts:

Snorbs · 18/12/2010 23:52

Given what you've just said I've now changed my mind. Bin him. He's a twat.

Pantofino · 18/12/2010 23:55

What snorbs said.

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 19/12/2010 00:01

Yes...I can almost handle the more general stuff but trying to make me feel self-conscious isn't on is it?

OP posts:

emmyloulou · 19/12/2010 00:08

It's not ok anyway, married or not he is a twat, dump him, unles you want a relationship with an abusive drunk..............

GraceAwayInAManger · 19/12/2010 00:48

No, it's not wise.

GraceAwayInAManger · 19/12/2010 00:56

SGB, this is one where I disagree with you. It's not about 'baggage'. You said "Nothing you say suggests he might be abusive". I reckon it does:

had a very tough childhood which he's talked about from virtually date no.1
says he prefers women to men
seems to drink rather a lot

... adds up to a self-hating, woman-punishing user imo. From the OP, I surmised his father was the cruel parent and his mother failed to save him. Subsequent post seems to support that. Bad news.

BitOfFun · 19/12/2010 00:58

He just sounds like quite hard work. On that basis, I would keep looking.

StuffingGoldBrass · 19/12/2010 01:13

IN the light of your latest post OP FFS bin him. Life is too short. And no one is that good a shag.

tallwivglasses · 19/12/2010 01:54

'You look better without your glasses'???

How dare he! They're your eyes ffs.

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 19/12/2010 08:38

You're spot on Grace (and you always are) - his dad was physically and emotionally abusive and calls his mum stupid because she allowed him to treat her like shit as well. It's quite obvious he thinks she failed him.

I'll be cancelling our date later today. And tallwivglasses, he wears glasses himself! In fact SO short-sighted he can't see 3 inches in front of him without them! And I've just remembered, he was telling me to do something about my hair and I'd only had it done the day before. You should wear it like this blah blah. What a lemon I am. He is (or rather was) a good shag SGB but no doubt he's honed his skills over the years so he can make women want him and be horrid to them at the same time. That's my take on it anyway.

A huge thank you to all for helping me see the light.

OP posts:

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 19/12/2010 08:41

And a question Grace, I didn't go for the "I prefer women" stance one bit. Why do you reckon a woman-hater would be like that?

OP posts:

spidookly · 19/12/2010 09:01

Glad you've got it sorted so quickly :)

From you first post the things I would have seen as negatives:
1 your discomfort with his revelations about his childhood (trust your feelings on this stuff)

2 preferring women to men offputting - like women who dislike other women, never a good sign (plus the claim to "love" women as a homogenous group quite sexist, often goes hand in hand with treating actual, individual women badly)

3 heavy drinking

Original poster

EverSoSlightlyDubious · 19/12/2010 09:09

And found this - sent a chill down my spine after what he'd said about my hair the other day!

"Misogynists believe they are in control of the relationship and as such, can dictate everything from how you wear your hair to what time dinner will be served. They will often begin with gentle teasing, then cajoling, before slowly moving on to insults and ridicule to get you to change your behavior or appearance"

OP posts:

spidookly · 19/12/2010 09:21

Oh yeah, the criticising your appearance, suggesting how you could improve it to his liking thing is an automatic red card offence. It screams woman-hating control freak.

As is the sleazing after a 16 year old.

Look out for that next time.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread