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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Opinion please

31 replies

feverfew · 28/09/2005 20:07

I think I just need to rant, met DH when we were 25, married 18 months later and now have 2 DS, been married for 8 years.

He has been violent to me once, and I swore if he ever did it again I'd walk, that was over 4 years ago and it's never happened since, although he does have a temper and throw things.

He hates me going out on my own, but doesn't stop me, he will give throw away comments but not directly at me, he will shout as DS before I'm going out and cause a big drama. Called my friends sluts last year and said I was acting like them, but not directly called me one, and said I was acting like a divorced single woman and if that's what I wanted i could be. I was going out maybe once a month, having drinks, and did get drunk a couple of times, came in about 2.30am.

Have tried very hard to moderate my behaviour to what he likes, he thinks that I should just like going for meals and doesn't understand why I still like clubbing at my age.

I had a close male friend who he suspected was postitioning to hit on me, I've now had to end that friendship although I didn't want to.

When we're home he seems to find things to do, jobs round the house, nipping to the shops etc, generally busying himself until about 9pm.

We haven't had a conversation or really been in the same room before 10.30pm this week, and tonight he's gone out.

I don't even know what I'm asking for, I don't want to leave my sons are too young, I'd say I'm 70% happy 30% unhappy - but I'm so pissed off tonight, and really thinking is this it ? I did tell my SIL last year that if we didn't have kids I'd have walked, told him too in fact. Really don't know if I was serious though.

He was away earlier in the year and I really hoped he'd come back and tell me he'd met someone else so I could end it.

Am I just bored and this is where we need to work at it ?

OP posts:
moondog · 28/09/2005 20:12

Feverfew,doesn't sound too great.What you want is not unreasonable.Any chance of an uninterrupted very honest heart to heart?

(Like your name btw)

Chandra · 28/09/2005 20:14

I really don't know what to say but just wanted to let you know that somebody was listening.

newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 20:15

Tbh if you were hoping he'd find someone else then you don't want to be with him, but want to take the easy way out, and have him do it for you. Not that i blame you. Was in a similar situation although no kids involved. Its far easier to stay than it is to leave. Could you not sit down and talk to him about how you feel?

Lonelymum · 28/09/2005 20:17

I would say yes this is where you have to work at it. It sounds like your relationship has become very stale of late. However only you know how you really feel inside.

FWIW I often feel I would have walked by now if there were no children in the relationship.

feverfew · 28/09/2005 20:28

Have tried talking, he just gets defensive. Once of the reasons he hated my male friend as he listened and we got close.

Lonelymum - are you still together ?

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crazydazy · 28/09/2005 20:35

I think in order to be happy you have to meet "your equal", if he feels like your equal, by that I mean you believe you can't meet anyone who will make you happier then it will work otherwise no I don't believe it will.

But then again if you look at my posts I am definitely no expert at relationships

feverfew · 28/09/2005 20:45

when it's good it's really good, but it can be so up and down, two weeks ago had a heavenly weekend followed by a crap one, good again this weekend, but feel pissed off tonight.

Earlier this year things were very rocky, I'd been promoted, but have always been the higher earner so didn't know what the problem was. he told me that i didn't need him as financially I could cope, told him that I'd never needed him, I'd wanted him, and if I'd wanted to walk money would never have stopped me.

Sis thinks he's insecure and jealous of me, one friend thinks he's controlling and insecure.

But there is a side of him that is superb, he's funny, good company etc etc, but there is a side of him thats an immature boy, my firend asked if I could see myself with him for the next 25 years, some days yes, others I don't think so.

OP posts:
crazydazy · 28/09/2005 20:53

My DP is exactly the same. We are always up and down too, never just in the middle where most couples are!!!

feverfew · 28/09/2005 20:54

BTW one of the women who comes on our nights out is having a long distance affair with a married man. I don't approve and have told her so and that she should end it, we actively encourage her to meet single men.

My DH thinks because I'm in the company of someone who is having an affair then I will too - as if I don't have a mind of my own ! I've told him that I saw people taking drugs when I was in my teens but that I didn't do it.

I'm not that easily led, but he seems to think I am. another friend told me that he doesn't treat me like an adult.

OP posts:
newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 20:55

Did you mean me? If so, then yes i am. Told you, easier to stay than it is to leave. However, we DID talk and we both changed a little, and now a beautiful little boy, and i am very happy now.

However, at the time, i was hoping he'd leave me to make it easier. Which therefore makes my earlier post seem a bit hypocritical (sorry about spelling) i know, BUT dp is very into discussing feelings etc so we sorted things out

Actually i have a male friend too that he's not pleased about. Actually, are you me???

Lonelymum · 28/09/2005 20:56

Yes feverfew we are still together. Married for 11 years and together in total for 15. But with kids, the fun has definitely gone from our relationship. We both know it and talk about it, which helps surprisingly, but I do understand those couples who find they have nothing in common once their children have left home. I fear that happening to me.

crazydazy · 28/09/2005 20:57

My DP thinks I am easily led too, plus he thinks I am very flirty when drunk!!! Have never done this in front of him as I wouldn't dare so don't know why he thinks this tbh.

crazydazy · 28/09/2005 20:58

I have a male friend, distinct pattern there!!!

newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 21:00

Isn't there!! I've still got mine. I need him. He keeps me sane. I don't remotely fancy him but if i go a week without speaking to him, i really miss him!! Dp can't understand that though, and infact, hates it!!

And sorry, you didn't mean me.....have a couple of glasses of wine tonight as am child free. YEAH!!

crazydazy · 28/09/2005 21:01

DP doesn't know about mine though!!!!

newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 21:03

Dp has to know about mine....i made the stupid mistake of kissing my friend a year and a half ago, and told dp. Which is why he's not happy i suppose BUT that was a long time ago, and a lot has changed since then, and i'm now v.happy with dp which is why i get annoyed that he won't let me see my friend, but i can kind of understand why...although it does annoy me

feverfew · 28/09/2005 21:04

me and my friend did get close, he wasn't totally happy in his relationship, DH hated the fact that we would talk about it, and thought it was going to end up in an affair - no matter how much I protested it wouldn't he wouldn't believe me, got very angry, said I was acting suspiciously, hated that we went for lunch a couple of times - birthday and a leaving do.

I don't tell him everything about my female friends lives so to me it was no different.

Anyhoo it was easier to end the friendship, I know I hurt my friend, and I miss the friendship, but do have other people I can talk this over with.

I used to have another male friend who I'd been friends with since I was 18, DH used to leave the room when he came round, made things so uncomfortable he stopped coming round.

Asked DH if he saw us being together forever, his reply, yes if I can stop these other men tempting you away

OP posts:
feverfew · 28/09/2005 21:06

crazydazy - don't you feel guilty about DH not knowing about him ?

that was why I ended the friendship - I couldn't lie to DH if he asked if we were still in contact

OP posts:
newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 21:07

Not good!! You're allowed to have friends. Male or female. Especially if you've known one since you were 18. Its not fair on you or your friends.

Dp tried to stop me speaking to mine, but i told him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't going to happen, but did agree not to see him, and only to speak to him

crazydazy · 28/09/2005 21:08

I did at first but no not now. His wife doesn't know eithe so I guess it is wrong.

newmumhelp · 28/09/2005 21:11

Not at all. Whats the point? If you tell your partners they will only get the wrong idea and want you to stop seeing each other anyway. If there is honestly nothing going on, then don't worry about it

feverfew · 28/09/2005 21:13

what if although there's nothing going on, if you were both single there would be ?

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crazydazy · 28/09/2005 21:14

Trouble is the more I see him the closer we are getting.....haven't done anything wrong but we were also childhood sweethearts so have a kind of history.

crazydazy · 28/09/2005 21:15

Sorry crossed post Feverfew, yes if we were both single we would be a couple....its not really a friendship is it, I am kidding myself.

feverfew · 28/09/2005 21:17

But can you still be friends if you agree not to go further ? I haven't got the answer, I chose to end the friendship, age old question and men and women be just friends I suppose

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