What to do after leaving?

[RedSanta]

Sorry this is long winded....My DH is a monster when drunk, and sadly he is a regular, heavy binge drinker. When drunk he frequently would disturb our kids and when I remonstrated with him, I have been pushed, kicked, punched, spat at, as well as being at the receiving end of some vile name calling. Our children are 4,2 and 7 months. He can be charming when sober, but has issues of self control with his temper as well. He is also pathologically lazy, frequently sleeping in and missing work, not helping with the kids etc.

The final straw occured one night a few weeks ago when he was up late drinking, he started shouting at me that he hated my mother, so how dare she be there when he returned from a business trip, I was pushed into my DD room, and she was crying "Mummy I'm frightened" so I comforted her. He then ripped my pyjama bottoms off (not sexually). I felt so humiliated. Since then my DS (4 years), who witnessed this, has showed signs of anxiety with maternal separation anxiety. There has been many similar incidents over the years, and I recognised that this constitutes abuse towards me and the kids, so I left. That was 11 days ago. I'm now at my parents, but I am finding it so much tougher than I expected.

He can also be cruel when sober, and has frequently belittled me, and his active hatred of both my closest friends and family have resulted in me feeling lost and lonely, lacking in confidence etc. I felt so ground down by his behaviour, and my closest friends and parents had commented that I had "lost my spark". I have been on treatment for depression for a few months, and I think it is having a forum for reflection that has allowed me to see what has really been going on.

My departure shocked him, and true to form he believes HE is the victim. He accuses me of not communicating my feelings, and that I have gone straight to Stage 4 of marital breakdown, competely missing out the first stages (ie marriage councelling). I feel he had every opportunity to address his drinking, and made my feelings clear.

I feel better when he doesn't contact me, but am worried I am burying my head in the sand. He has a bad temper, so I do not find verbal communication constructive. I am currently at the early stages in seeing a psychologist about assertiveness.

I'm feeling lost, as he always controlled what we did, so although I know I did the right thing, I'm not sure what I want to happen next.

Please help me find a way through this.

Thanks so much.

Easy on yerself girl. You didn't go straight to stage 4, he took you both there. So......

1. You did the right thing.
2. You did the right thing for you.
3. You did the right thing for your family.
4. You totally did the right thing.

His behaviour was wrong and has been wrong for a long time. Perhaps if he had communicated in an adult fashion, you would have been able to communicate with him and it would not have come to this.

But he didn't and he left you no choice.

You feel lost because you are not sure how you have arrived where you are.
Speak to your psychologist about your past experiences and your present feelings. That way, you become free to pursue the future.

Fgs Red, you soooo did the right thing. You are fantastic for protecting your children from a childhood of fear and abuse. For that alone you should have a medal.

Quite honestly what HE feels about your actions are his business and not yours. One thing abusers always do is try to blame the victim. "you are breaking up our family home" "you are depriving our children of a stable upbringing" "if you had done this/that/the other none of this would have happened.

You are not burying your head in the sand you are taking back control of your life from a violent, abusive drunk.

appalling typos, sorry.

Also meant to say, get as much support as you can, solicitor, family, friends, Womensaid.

You did the right thing, girl...not only that...you know you did the right thing. Congratulations.

I dont have anything to add, having never been in your situation, but just want to say well done for getting out! :)

Well done for making this move. Give yourself plenty of time to process what you've been through and don't feel you have to make any major decisions. You have opened up the prospect of a much better future for yourself and your kids, and what form this takes will become clearer as time goes by.

Im glad youve got away from him , and sorry that you are feeling this way . You will feel lost for a while , and youll probably greive for the marriage you didnt have , and youll eventually ( quite rightly ) get angry too .

You might well find yourself suddenly feeling all the fear and greif that youve had to swallow down all these years.

I know you said your already seeing a psychologist , but do ring womens aid if you want to talk things over , they can refer you to a local womens centre for counselling and support . I found this invaluable at the time as i didnt feel anyone really understood. Also do read all you can about these abusers , they follow an alarmingly similar pattern , and try to surround yourself with kind people who understand .

Perhaps for now just focus on getting through each day , as you start to feel stronger you can then start to think about what you want to do , you really will rediscover the simple pleasures in life. You will recover , it just takes time .

And as for his verbal attacks ,you dont have to speak to him you know , could your parents discuss childrens issues for now , just to give you a break from him ? Do whatever you can to make things easy for yourself at this stage.

Thank you for your supportive messages.

He says we need to meet face to face to discuss things. I disagree.

He has made us an appointment for marriage guidance in the New Year, and tells me he has enrolled in a self directed goal setting counselling course re his drinking. He has not said sorry, or that he is responsible however. My gut feeling is that if I returned it wouldn't be long before his behaviour deteriorated and it would be harder to leave again.

Also getting all the wows about it being so close to Xmas from him and my inlaws.

I meant woes not wows

I don't have time to type much (on way out of door to work) but just wanted to add my support.

I completely admire you and think you have done the right thing.

Do not meet with him face to face until you are ready (which may be never, in this context...because you realise he is trying to bully you into bending to his will)

Don't attend any appts he makes on your behalf

Concentrate on your own recovery.

His own is his business.

All this talk of counselling etc from him sounds like just that, and far too little, too late.

Please keep your children away from a life like this. The alcohol does not turn a nice person into a monster. the monster was already there...and it wil soon come back were you to fall back in with him.

YOu will feel stronger with time. Hold on to that, and the support of your professionals, family and friends.

Good luck xx

Go with your gut. He has done too little too late. Dint go to marriage guidance he is trying to control and manipulate you. You deserve so much more

RedSanta

I only wish some other women had enough self belief to do the same as you have done. You have absolutely done the right thing here. He was dragging you all down with him into his dark pit.

Re this comment:-
"He has made us an appointment for marriage guidance in the New Year, and tells me he has enrolled in a self directed goal setting counselling course re his drinking. He has not said sorry, or that he is responsible however. My gut feeling is that if I returned it wouldn't be long before his behaviour deteriorated and it would be harder to leave again".

First off Relate will not counsel both of you together due to the ongoing violence and abuse meted out by him. Self directed goal setting counselling re drinking is also a complete waste of time and something he would also not stick to because he does not want to take responsibility for his actions. I would think that neither appt would actually come to fruition. Your last sentence is completely correct; you have surmised the current situation well here.

With alcoholism there are no guarantees here. He could lose everything, hit rock bottom and still drink. You are still NOT responsible for this violent man.

You may also want to do Womens Aid's "Freedom" or "Pattern changing" course if it is offered in your area. Such violent abusive men can take years to recover from and you as a family all need help and support here.

Abusive, argumentative drunks drain the very life out of you. You should be immensely proud of yourself for what you have achieved in leaving and for the stable, calm and fun life you are in the process of creating for your DCs. Well done! You should also give yourself a massive pat on the back for taking steps to help yourself.

Let him play the aggrieved and bewildered man who's family have left him if he wants. People leave drunks every day and for damn good reasons. It's one of those natural processes, an inevitable consequence of poor choices. If someone becomes a drunk and continues to be a drunk then the chances are very good that sooner or later they'll be left behind by friends and family.

If you're not sure what to do next then, well, don't do anything just yet. You've come through a massive upheaval and shock in a short period of time. You are allowed to simply sit back now to recharge your batteries and take stock of where you are and where you want to be. Sometimes the reason we find it hard to make a decision is simply because we're not ready to make that decision yet.

When you said "My gut feeling is that if I returned it wouldn't be long before his behaviour deteriorated and it would be harder to leave again" I think your gut is 100% spot on and you should listen to it. It sounds like his alcohol abuse are just part of his problems. Even if he never drank again there's no guarantee that he won't change from being an abusive, drunken arsehole to an abusive, sober arsehole.

You've done good! Take the time to get used to the peace and quiet. Don't feel obligated to put yourself into a position where you have to listen to his self-justifying rants. And give your DCs very big hugs.

gosh you have so done the right thing!
stay strong, for you adn your DC.

do not go back.

tell youself - if in 12 months he is a reformed character then maybe you could re-consider.

give yourself a clear 12 months to see what actions/changes he really makes.

if he pushes tell him - i need 12 months to see if you really change and keep repeating that like a broken record.

thugh you may in fact decide to change that to "it's over between us and i hope we can come to some arrangements for contact with the children" .

you do not need to sepak to him directy - use a third party eg the in laws for children and contact with them.

Red - I've not been in your place. All I can imagine is that each day you're apart, you will all fear the fear reduce, and the tension, too.

All I can suggest, following other posters, is to ring WA, CAB as other's have done.

Good luck, and very well done for leaving. Many others don't.

"I'm feeling lost, as he always controlled what we did, so although I know I did the right thing, I'm not sure what I want to happen next."

Dont think back and dont think too far ahead at the moment. Think about today, tomorrow, the weekend. Do this so you dont panic about the future. You are in trauma and need to stabilise yourself first.

how are you feeling today ?

Red what everyone else said in spades and also dont get drawn in to changing your mind over Christmas and all the fake schmulz that can come with it.

Thanks for all your support!

I was feeling ok, until he phoned here 3 times in rapid succession whilst i was trying to settle my DS to sleep. Then his Mum phoned! My Mum told them that I was putting DS to bed, and had probably fallen asleep - this was true! Now I feel sick as I really don't want to talk to him.

He sent me a Xmas card "To my darling wife" today, saying "let's hope 2011 is better for all of us".

Mum said he was getting increasingly agitated.

You have done the right thing it will take time for things to get back on track for you and your DC. He sounds like a complete arse how dare he say you have gone for stage 4. Well maybe if he was not so pig ignorant and drunk he would of seen stages 1,2 and 3! You have done the right thing and your DC will thank you for this one day when they can understand a bit more. Well done you would of been misrible staying there you deserve better!!

Fine. If you don't want to talk to him then, well, don't talk to him. You are not legally obliged to answer the phone to anyone. When I was getting bombarded with phone calls from my ex I used to have a note by the phone saying "Is there anything more fun you could be doing than having this phone call?" It reminded me that I took phone calls by choice and I could just as easily choose to discontinue the call if I preferred.

I'm sure he is getting agitated. The reason being that you are now taking back control over your own life, rather than following his lead all the time. You've broken out of the box he put you in and he just can't understand what's going on any more because you're no longer doing what you're told. Good for you!

I admire you so much for taking the necessary steps that I am hoping in my heart that I have the bravery to take.
You are stronger than you know.

Hi Red, I don't normally post on here but really wanted to give you encoragement. I left my husband when my daughters were 3 and 9 mths old. He physically threatened me in front of the 3 year old. Something clicked in me and it dawned on me that if I didn't sheild our daughters from this behaviour they would think this was normal. With the support of my friends and family I have managed to survive. They're happy and well adjusted.
Be strong don't let him manipulate you and your children.
You only have one life don't waste it on him.

OP, you have done the very best possible thing you could have done for your children and yourself, the main one being showing your four year old dd that Strong Mummy will always protect her and that getting out of an abusive situation is The Right Thing To Do. That is a priceless gift you have given her.

My ex attacked me in front of my 7 year old ds, it had happened before but not in front of dc. I called the police and had him removed there and then. He was unfaithful to me, verbally and physically abusive, a drunk who pawned all our stuff and yet I am blamed and disliked by him and his family for "breaking up a family". He did all those things to me and I was desperate for him to leave but when I finally got him out I felt awful, sad and lonely, worse than I would ever have imagined, so what you are feeling is not unusual at all. I got through it because there was no alternative, I could not allow him to live with us and hurt us any longer.

You are amazing, even though you feel sad you are still doing the right thing, how brave does that make you? Very!

this might be useful for you Red.

Read the last few paragraphs on ending an abusive relationship.

Your H is displaying typical abusive and manipulative behaviour, even now. If you know what to expect you will be better equipped to handle it.

Good luck.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

He is now suggesting that I am running away from my life and that I need to face up to things. But, I feel so happy away from him, and people have commented how upbeat I seem.

He has suggested that the kids won't get the quality of education or opportunities in the town I am in now - I don't think this is true.

Overall he is criticising me for destabilising our kids.

I know I have done the right thing but his words are sowing seeds of doubt in my mind, and make me wonder if it was as bad as I remember.