What to do after leaving?

[RedSanta]

Sorry this is long winded....My DH is a monster when drunk, and sadly he is a regular, heavy binge drinker. When drunk he frequently would disturb our kids and when I remonstrated with him, I have been pushed, kicked, punched, spat at, as well as being at the receiving end of some vile name calling. Our children are 4,2 and 7 months. He can be charming when sober, but has issues of self control with his temper as well. He is also pathologically lazy, frequently sleeping in and missing work, not helping with the kids etc.

The final straw occured one night a few weeks ago when he was up late drinking, he started shouting at me that he hated my mother, so how dare she be there when he returned from a business trip, I was pushed into my DD room, and she was crying "Mummy I'm frightened" so I comforted her. He then ripped my pyjama bottoms off (not sexually). I felt so humiliated. Since then my DS (4 years), who witnessed this, has showed signs of anxiety with maternal separation anxiety. There has been many similar incidents over the years, and I recognised that this constitutes abuse towards me and the kids, so I left. That was 11 days ago. I'm now at my parents, but I am finding it so much tougher than I expected.

He can also be cruel when sober, and has frequently belittled me, and his active hatred of both my closest friends and family have resulted in me feeling lost and lonely, lacking in confidence etc. I felt so ground down by his behaviour, and my closest friends and parents had commented that I had "lost my spark". I have been on treatment for depression for a few months, and I think it is having a forum for reflection that has allowed me to see what has really been going on.

My departure shocked him, and true to form he believes HE is the victim. He accuses me of not communicating my feelings, and that I have gone straight to Stage 4 of marital breakdown, competely missing out the first stages (ie marriage councelling). I feel he had every opportunity to address his drinking, and made my feelings clear.

I feel better when he doesn't contact me, but am worried I am burying my head in the sand. He has a bad temper, so I do not find verbal communication constructive. I am currently at the early stages in seeing a psychologist about assertiveness.

I'm feeling lost, as he always controlled what we did, so although I know I did the right thing, I'm not sure what I want to happen next.

Please help me find a way through this.

Thanks so much.

Red, you are not running away from your life. You've left an aggressive, abusive drunk. You have faced up to things - you've finally faced up to the fact that he's an aggressive, abusive drunk and you've taken appropriate steps in the light of that knowledge. Those are POSITIVE STEPS taken in the best interests of both you and your children.

His opinion of your decision here is immaterial. The bottom line is that if he were really concerned about "destabilising" your children he wouldn't have attacked you in front of your DD. It's that simple.

You feel happy away from him because he's a selfish, unstable, abusive arse. And if your friends and family can tell you're happier I guarantee that your children can see that too. That will make a massive difference to their happiness. Over the next few months I bet you'll see them become calmer, happier and more relaxed. I certainly saw that in my own children within a few months of my ex leaving because the stress had left the house. They didn't have to walk on eggshells around my ex for fear of another drink-fuelled explosion.

I will tell you one last thing - you talk to him too much. You're never going to persuade him that you've done the right thing. The only things you need to discuss with him are matters over child contact and any outstanding financial issues. And I strongly urge you to do that via letter or email. You don't have to talk to him on the phone or face to face if you don't want to. I found that the less contact I had with my ex the happier and calmer I was.

You've done the right thing. He is trying to bully you in to going home because having you there suits him. You don't have to talk to him or his mother. It can all be done via solicitors. You are happier without him? That says it all. Good luck with your new life. You'll be fine :)

You have definetly done the right thing and you know it, I agree with snorbs about talking to him, just don't do it.

He will say anything to make you feel bad, he will say things that are totally made up but specifically designed to make you feel guilty, so please stop contact.

Read back on what you have written about what he has done to you, do you really want your kids growing up in that environment, of course you don't because your a good mum, he doesn't care, he just wants his punchbag back.

You did the right thing.

So agree with the advice on here that says: don't go too far, too fast. Just deal with today, today. If you suddenly feel strong enough to sort out this new life of yours, then WA/CAB/etc are all available to speak to you. They were set up for people in exactly your position. They know what they're doing, even if you just need info right now.

You have not left your life behind, you're creating a new one - a stable, calm, SAFE and happy life for you and the DCs. Keep re-reading your original post if you start to wonder if you imagined what happened, or the severity of it. (This is very common when you've had a rest and your strength begins to return.)

I agree with the comment on here about resisting the temptation to speak to him (even if you are secretly curious to know how he's 'coping'.) It is tempting, once you've taken your power back, to see or hear how miserable, sorry or angry he is. TBH, this is where you find out about the challenges of detaching yourself from your relationship with him. Eventually it will be of little interest to you, and as contact becomes more sporadic you'll notice that your life is calmer, you're more sure of yourself and you've got more to offer yourself and your DCs. You owe him nothing. No explanations or conversation. You're 100 steps in front of him, and he's trying to run along behind you, wailing in disbelief. Allow that to happen, and no matter what he says, going back to him would condone and enable his violent and unstable behaviour. That is not a situation that is safe or loving for you or your DCs, and it would be recreated if you return. So, the only thing to be negotiated with him now are the practical things, and this can be done via a third party, and in writing.

The point where he COULD have noticed things were bad, and tried to change and improve things was while you were still there. I know it's hard, at one time you really cared for each other, but things change. He has made living with him untenable.

Again, you did the right thing. Enjoy the empowerment of running your own life, and your own household, it's great!!

mumonthenet I read that article and it terrified me. I can identify those behaviours in my (d)h.
red stay strong, it's so easy to give in and go back, trust me I did it and now the honeymoon seems to be over again and I'm wishing I had stayed strong!

You have totally done the right thing. Everything that has happened is his fault. You have left him because he is a nasty alcoholic shitbag. As others have said, don't go to counselling with him, don't meet him, inform him via email that you do not want any contact with him other than via email and only with regard to him seeing the children (TBH if he's a violent drunk then you can insist that he only has supervised contact with the DC and you need not have any direct contact with him at all).