No contact from grandparents for 18mths - what should I do with cheque?

[daisie4]

Background is a long saga, but basically my dad is a controlling bully who has fallen out with all his family and regularly upsets his children. We've been bought up to turn a blind eye to his appalling behaviour and pretend nothing happened. But, now I have my own children I don't think its right that they regularly see me on the phone in tears. They've (parents) also started blaming his behaviour on DC.

The last time we went to visit we drove for 2.5 hrs, arrived and he wasn't there because he was annoyed that we weren't arriving earlier. When he did arrive, after saying hello he ignored us so eventually I rounded up DCs and left - we haven't had any contact with my parents since apart from cards etc last Christmas (from mum) and a really nasty email from my dad in March.

So for last eighteen months DCs have no contact, and for the year before that dad was moody so hardly any then.

We moved house earlier in year and didn't tell them address, but they've found it via internet (don't know how we're ex-directory and electoral roll - feel violated). This week my mum has sent a cheque for DCs for christmas - what should I do with it? I'm not going to cash it, but should I write back saying don't send anymore, its not positive and how are DCs meant to feel, or ignore it?

My mum isn't innocent, she portrays herself as sweet peacemaker but actually stirs my dad up with little nasty comments. It has taken me all this time to 'grieve' over what has happened, but I know if I make peace the cycle will carry on repeating and I just don't want to go through it anymore.

Sorry very long - was trying to be concise

If it was me I'd burn/shred the cheque and keep my NC going.

I wouldn't accept the money on my DC's behalf and neither would I give them the satisfaction of them knowing they'd upset me again through making contact.

For all they know the cheque got lost in the post anyway.

I would send it back with a short note saying that in the circumstances you prefer not to accept it and do not wish to be in contact with them. That way they can't keep sending things and "assuming" they just haven't got through.

I shred them.

Keep up the non contact. I would either shred the cheque or return it via special delivery with no written note inside the envelope.

If you have not already done so read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. You may also want to post on the "well we took you to Stately homes" thread on these relationship pages.

Thanks for replies I've thought they're toxic for a while, which is why I gave up hope as they don't see things as other people do - no empathy. Am tempted to send back to try and stop any more coming but don't know whether that's just fuelling them?

It depends on how well-off you are, IMO. As an alternative to shredding the cheque, you could put it in a savings account for DCs and send an unemotional note to P&M, just saying you've paid the cheque into DCs' college fund and giving them the account details for any future contributions. You don't have to show gratitude or anything.

I would think about donating the money to a charity so you can turn a negative feeling into a positive one.

I would not reply to them nor cash the cheque. If you do either of these you will be confirming that the cheque got to its intended destination and they will definately know where you live.

Decided to explain my suggestion. The way I see it, money has no loyalties. As the parents of your P&M's grandchildren, you are the conduit for the gift. From this pov, I don't feel you actually have the right to deny your DCs funds they may have use for in future. The only way you could neutralise this, in my opinion, is if you're certain you will be able to provide your DCs with matching funds.

I would cash it and spend it on something my kids wouldnt normally get tbh,i am of the opinion these days that a lot of dysfunctional behaviour is repeated patterns of many generations and lack of awareness and denial from the perpetrator.I wouldnt see my dcs going without a present from their gps at xmas even if i thought they were
arseholes ,i dont see this makes me unprincipled more it just becomes businesslike ,practical etc ,if the gps are massively dysfunctional why should your dcs not get a xmas present from them ,surely that is you making this about you and not the dcs,is the money for you or dcs ?,i understand you tearing up the cheque if its for you .

I would put it in the Child Trust Funds, and maintain my no contact stance, and not feel guilty about doing so as I would be protecting myself, husband and children from them by keeping away from them.

However, that is what I would do, if you would feel beholden to them or just not right I would suggest returning it. Sends a clear message that you dont want contact, no note or card, just a cheque in an envelope and as someone else suggested send it registered. Feels a little official then as well as you having a record of them receiving it.

We can afford to give dcs money, I'm reluctant to cash as my parents whole focus throughout life has been about money - it means more to them than anything else and they buy people with it. Do you think I'm repeating the pattern?

I would follow Graces excellent suggestion.

Money is the most impersonal gift you can possibly give. So there is no loyalties there.

I totally second opening a childrens savings account and deposit money, and writing them the note Grace suggests.

If you DO ignore it, or sending it back, you are communicating MUCH more than if you accept it politely in the above manner.

Do you think I'm repeating the pattern?

Not as such, Daisie, but you are applying values to the money which it does not possess. In that sense, yes: they've sent the money with an emotional intent (presumably) and you're seeing the intent in their gift. With my suggestion, I aimed to put the money back in its place: no feelings, no message, just finance for the kids' future.

I agree with QS that reacting to the cheque in any sort of feelings-driven way is giving them what (we assume) they want.

put the money from the cheque into the bank for your kids

If you are not uncomfortable accepting the money and it has upset you to be contacted like this against your wishes, then I would shred it.

*If you are not comfortable

My parents use money as a form of control.

To me any money from them comes with an invisible set of obligations...not obligations assigned by me...but by them.

Their opinion is if I take their money they then 'own' the way it is used. They have said this many times over the years.

I'm not explaining this very well, had a bit of a busy day and am tired...but in essence if I accepted the money from my parents (on behalf of my DC's) they would then feel entitled to step all over any and all boundaries I may have managed to create.

But you wouldn't have to let them. You haven't put your boundary rights up for sale, have you?

Some years ago, a rich man gave me a very large (to me) amount of money. I said I couldn't take it because I was doing nothing to earn it. He told me to take it anyway - so I did. I never gave him what I think he was wanting, he never asked for it back. Maybe all he wanted was to do a good turn; I don't know because his motives are no concern of mine. At other times, I've given money without strings: hasn't everybody?

I'm in danger of sounding a bit pushy over this! I've nothing to gain by persuading anybody of one view over another. I'm merely trying to show that, if you react to someone's hidden motives rather than their actions, then you're playing a game - by the other party's rules.

Hope that made some kind of sense.

Hi Grace

No, I haven't put my boundary rights up for sale and I have always stood my ground..but sometimes you just run out of energy constantly 'managing' these people...so for me the easy route is to shred.

No worries about sounding pushy...I understand that money should have no meaning emotionally, to me it doesn't. Spend whatever money you have however you want.

Unfortunately my parents just don't have the same opinion and I am fed up with 'managing' them and fighting to be separate. So no accepting means no stress.

I think my parents are like yours Snowy, they use the money as a form of control and lord over how much they've got. We don't need their money and I feel like they're using the children now. Very reluctant to cash cheque, I'd rather give our children our own money to replace it.

I'd return to sender. It's more than money they're asking you to accept. If you're not starving, you don't need it, or them.

Yes I think choices are return or ignore. If I return I risk giving them more to twist against me, if I ignore it won't stop them sending more. I didn't even want them to have my address - how did they get it?

Is there a note with the cheque? Is it too late to return to sender not known at this address?

As to how they got your address thats quite worrying. Do you have anyone in common that could have passed it on? Did you have your mail forwarded or leave your address with the people at your old house? It might be as simple as they asked the new owner.