No contact from grandparents for 18mths - what should I do with cheque?

[daisie4]

Background is a long saga, but basically my dad is a controlling bully who has fallen out with all his family and regularly upsets his children. We've been bought up to turn a blind eye to his appalling behaviour and pretend nothing happened. But, now I have my own children I don't think its right that they regularly see me on the phone in tears. They've (parents) also started blaming his behaviour on DC.

The last time we went to visit we drove for 2.5 hrs, arrived and he wasn't there because he was annoyed that we weren't arriving earlier. When he did arrive, after saying hello he ignored us so eventually I rounded up DCs and left - we haven't had any contact with my parents since apart from cards etc last Christmas (from mum) and a really nasty email from my dad in March.

So for last eighteen months DCs have no contact, and for the year before that dad was moody so hardly any then.

We moved house earlier in year and didn't tell them address, but they've found it via internet (don't know how we're ex-directory and electoral roll - feel violated). This week my mum has sent a cheque for DCs for christmas - what should I do with it? I'm not going to cash it, but should I write back saying don't send anymore, its not positive and how are DCs meant to feel, or ignore it?

My mum isn't innocent, she portrays herself as sweet peacemaker but actually stirs my dad up with little nasty comments. It has taken me all this time to 'grieve' over what has happened, but I know if I make peace the cycle will carry on repeating and I just don't want to go through it anymore.

Sorry very long - was trying to be concise

No they wouldn't of got it any of the ways suggested. I think I'm going to ignore and shred - that way my actions can't be twisted. Thank you all for your help, sometimes its so hard to see what to do when you're sat there with all the emotion.

What about returning the envelope and cheque with "not known at this address" on. Your parents will think they have the wrong address for you.

I would be tempted to return the cheque with a note saying that children need their grandparents to be there for them, not their money. And then leave it at that. I don't know if this would further fuel anything but might make them think?

If you want to keep the cutoff from your parents dont respond at all to the cheque,
Shred it, burn it but dont cash or return it
By cashing or returning it they have provoked a response from you.
Just out of interest was the cheque made out in your name or the childrens? If it was meant for the kids it would have been sent to them with their name on it

A very close friend of mine has a rich but toxic father. He did a similar thing, after being nasty and very unsupportive to her when her husband walked out.
She thought, well its for the kids, cashed it and put money into their accounts
The response was nasty, along the lines "well you had no trouble taking my money therefore you should now do as I say"
She has never made that mistake again.

The cheque was made out to me with a message asking me to cash and buy present or give to dcs. I think they know we live here as they've sent cards separately for children - you can check if you pay land registry £3.50, but, you need to know address in first place.

I just don't understand why they've gone to so much effort to track us down when they clearly have no intention of trying to have a relationship with us. I just feel numb, but they keep prodding saying nasty things about us to my brothers and sending stuff to dcs - its upsetting and I wish they'd leave us alone.

They will leave you alone eventually I think...but it maybe like this every B/Day & Christmas for a while yet.

I'd love to tell you daisie4 that this will be the first and last communication from them, but I think that would be far too hopeful.

Tbh if it was me I'd burn/shred the whole lot of it and move on to having a wonderful Xmas...I wouldn't waste any more emotional energy on them.

I hate to say it but at the moment they have made you react exactly how they wanted. :(

They wanted you to feel guilty/confused and give them another chance...is this how you feel??

Re their finding out your address - on 192.com you can find addresses/people (for a fee) that are not available on the general (if that's the right word) electoral role. Perhaps that's how they found you?

I think I'd return the cheque (registered mail) with a simple "no thankyou" note. Also maybe explain very plainly that you no longer wish to have any contact with them. Then you've said your piece, thay've been told, and you can happily bin/ignore any further contact from them.