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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He broke the door....

46 replies

nottonightdearihaveaheadache · 15/12/2010 11:39

Have had a tough few days,basically we have a sickness bug going through our family,my husband had planned to go away visiting his grandad and he went,i stayed home running from bedroom to bedroom cleaning up sick,and showering down the kids,changing bed etc..you can picture the scene!!

Anyway he came back last night and starts rushing around with a mop and bucket cleaning everything (i'd already cleaned and had told him).

I got the impression he was in a mood with me about something but wasn't sure why?

He then said he's picked up a cloth to clean a cup and realised it wasn't clean,aparently there was sick on it and he'd used it,what was it doing by the sink? etc etc...i was exhausted and seemed he was picking up on everything i hadn't done right,i've no idea how the cloth got by the sink and why it hadn't been washed out but i'd been rushed off my feet,had no sleep and was feeling sick myself,i started defending myself verbally as i was really cross and then went to my room and put the lock across.

Husband followed shouting me to let him in,i said no,he then proceeded to kick the door in,ripping the whole frame from the door,pulling off the paint and there was a big hole in the door from his knee (hollow fire doors).

He said he just wanted to say sorry but i find this scarey behaviour and i'm sure our children do too,they keep out the way but they can hear and see the damage laterSad

This is not the first time,when we argue or he hurts himself he behaves this way,he has thrown his work boots at the walls in our dining room,left chunks of plaster they were thrown so hard,punched holes in our shed etc...

I don't want our boys growing up thinking this is the way to deal with your emotions,i know i need to try not to start arguements and when i raise my voice this is when it all kicks off but hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes.

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merryxmaswidow · 15/12/2010 11:43

are you scared of him?

femalevictormeldrew · 15/12/2010 11:43

He should be ashamed of himself behaving like a spoiled brat. Your children see and hear all that even if they don't say anything. Get him to sort himself - anger management or whatever it takes. Don't have your children growing up in that environment as they may resent you in years to come (I am talking from my own experience as a child).

I am sorry to read what you posted but for your boys sake you need to do something.

Portofino · 15/12/2010 11:44

Call Women's Aid! Please!

winnybella · 15/12/2010 11:48

'i know i need to try not to start arguements'

No. It's him who is a violent bully. NOT your fault.

Your children should not be growing up in the home where such things are going on.

nottonightdearihaveaheadache · 15/12/2010 11:48

It's strange but i don't think i do feel scared of him,i feel sorry for him because i know that with each thing like this he does he is waving goodbye to our marriage as there is only so much i will put up with Sad

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winnybella · 15/12/2010 11:51

He punched holes in the shed, threw things at the wall, ripped the door out of its frame...

This has been going on for a while, right?

Don't feel sorry for him, you should feel sorry for your poor children who have a violent twat for a father and have to witness stuff like that.

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 15/12/2010 11:53

This is NOT YOUR FAULT. You shouldn't have to avoid arguments so as not to experience this - he should never ever be behaving like this in the first place.

Are you aware this is classed as domestic violence even though he is not physically hurting you or the boys?

He wanted to apologise so he kicked a door down?? What goes on in his head? :( I agree with Porto, phone Women's Aid, just for a chat, they won't try and persuade you to do anything, but they have lots of knowledge and can help you work things out in your head. And keep posting here of course :)

nottonightdearihaveaheadache · 15/12/2010 11:58

thanks for the advice...feel confused and like i have little options really.

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CheerfulV · 15/12/2010 11:58

You know you can't let this go which is why you've posted here. Unfortunately, it's not a question of keeping him happy and never challenging him; that's known as 'walking on eggshells' and anyone consistently causing you to creep around them like that for fear of an angry, violent outburst is an abuser.
As such, I'd advise contacting Womans Aid and discussing your options with them. I'd be unable to continue with a man who did things like that even if I didn't have any children with him. With kids involved, you really need to get out and show them that life isn't about anger, smashing things up and bullying others into submission.
Hope you have some RL support too, is there anyone you can talk to about this who can give you advice or just a hug?
Take care.

nottonightdearihaveaheadache · 15/12/2010 12:03

The thing is this doesn't happen all the time,we do get on quite well,have very different views on things though,we don't communicate well,have little eye contact with each other,our families think we are fine together.

each time something like this happens it takes longer to get it out of my head and i lose a bit more respect for him Sad

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BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 15/12/2010 12:07

These things never happen all the time though - that's what makes it so confusing and difficult to cope with. You're left hanging on to this thread of the nice person thinking if only I can do something right this nice part of my husband will be around all the time. But it's not like that - he's always going to have this nasty side to his personality as well, you can't fix it or change it.

cestlavielife · 15/12/2010 12:13

we get on quite well...we dont communicate well...our families think we are fine..

focus more on the bad bits - no more excuses.

your families prob only see the good bits.

the good bits dont amke up for the bad bits.

when the bad bits are so bad (violence (and violence against bjects is violence and scary), bullying) the good bits dont make up for it.

abuse doesnt happen 24/7 - that is how abusers work....

cestlavielife · 15/12/2010 12:14

why do you have a lock on your door? i presume you mean bedroom?

susiedaisy · 15/12/2010 12:20

these sort of things don't have to happen all the time for them to be wrong, i could of written your post, and yes eventually i lost all love and respect for my husband, who spent years telling me it was my fault i made him so mad, that's why he smashed things up etc and if only i wouldn't answer him back so much it wouldn't happen, it kills a marriage in the end, emotionally it is wearing on the other person, IMO, i agree with the others posters try to get some help and advice from cab, or womens aid etc,

nottonightdearihaveaheadache · 15/12/2010 12:28

we have a lock on bedroom door because we have to grab our moments with our kids around and i have a fear of them walking in on us!

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nottonightdearihaveaheadache · 15/12/2010 12:30

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine you're right,it is confusing,if it was happening all the time i would be out of here,also if i didn't have kids i would have gone already but i have no job,no qualifications and no money Sad

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nottonightdearihaveaheadache · 15/12/2010 12:32

As my username suggests i have low sex drive and think his anger stems from sexual frustration,when we have been intimate things are alot less tense at home for a bit then it builds again.

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perfumeditsawonderfullife · 15/12/2010 12:36

The kids are being subjected to domestic violence, albeit indirectly. They are witnissing violence, or hearing and seeing it. He should have not visited his grandfather when his family were sick, he should not have returned home with an attitude problem, he should not have intimidated you and kicked the door in.

He is bang out of order and I would not hesitate to tell him I was taking advice. He needs to get his act sorted out, womans Aid is a good start for you, at the very least for info just in case you need to take it further.

So sorry for you, all this on top of illness.

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 15/12/2010 12:39

Kids don't need money though - not more than they need a safe family home. (And a one parent family is very much still a family). You would be entitled to housing benefits etc for as long as you need to get yourself sorted, and in the long term you could get a job, maybe retrain if you want to? How old is your youngest?

Please don't think this is your fault. It's never your fault. Sexual frustration doesn't cause people to kick doors down.

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 15/12/2010 12:41

Oh and I'd be willing to bet your low sex drive is probably not helped by his attitude! When I lived with a controlling bully I had a low sex drive too. Now I'm with someone who actually respects me and wouldn't dream of getting angry (let alone violent!) if I didn't feel like sex, it's much higher.

nottonightdearihaveaheadache · 15/12/2010 12:52

my youngest is 4,others are 6,11 and nearly 18.The 4 and 6 year old are our children,others are from my first marriage,can't believe i may have to go through marriage break-up again,when will i learn?

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proudnscary · 15/12/2010 13:00

I think he sounds pretty dangerous to be honest. He was picking a fight. He WANTED to lose it. When he does lose it, he's done a very good job of making you feel it's your fault because you have not had sex with him.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 15/12/2010 13:10

Don't you DARE blame yourself for this. As proudnscary says, you could see this coming. Why else did you lock the door?

He IS manipulating you, he IS making you walk on eggshells, and that is no way to live.

The sexual frustration could be an issue, but if he is this unsupportive and controlling, then tbh, why on earth would you want to sleep with him?

The minute you meet someone who IS your proper partner, who DOES value you as a woman, a mother and a friend, you will see what lessons are to be learnt.

He has a choice, he doesn't have to treat you like this, and you don't have to take it. You owe it to your DC, all of them, to be happy, to live in a safe, calm environment. You certainly don't want to be teaching them to grow up to hurl boots, and kick in doors.

This behaviour is unacceptable, every time. There is no excuse.

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 15/12/2010 13:15

And what about the critical behaviour when he got in? You had been struggling with sick kids and feeling ill yourself and he should have been thanking you and trying to make your life easier not having a hissy fit over a dirty cup.

Does he often criticise your housework or complain it is not done to his standards? Or was it a one off made worse by him feeling guilty he wasn't pulling his weight?

Hope you are feeling better and the kids are mending too.

nottonightdearihaveaheadache · 15/12/2010 13:17

I think i locked the door because i was finding it hard to shut my mouth,didn't want things to escalate so put a barrier between us,guess i thought he'd respect the fact i wanted to be on my own...wrong!

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