He broke the door....

[nottonightdearihaveaheadache]

Have had a tough few days,basically we have a sickness bug going through our family,my husband had planned to go away visiting his grandad and he went,i stayed home running from bedroom to bedroom cleaning up sick,and showering down the kids,changing bed etc..you can picture the scene!!

Anyway he came back last night and starts rushing around with a mop and bucket cleaning everything (i'd already cleaned and had told him).

I got the impression he was in a mood with me about something but wasn't sure why?

He then said he's picked up a cloth to clean a cup and realised it wasn't clean,aparently there was sick on it and he'd used it,what was it doing by the sink? etc etc...i was exhausted and seemed he was picking up on everything i hadn't done right,i've no idea how the cloth got by the sink and why it hadn't been washed out but i'd been rushed off my feet,had no sleep and was feeling sick myself,i started defending myself verbally as i was really cross and then went to my room and put the lock across.

Husband followed shouting me to let him in,i said no,he then proceeded to kick the door in,ripping the whole frame from the door,pulling off the paint and there was a big hole in the door from his knee (hollow fire doors).

He said he just wanted to say sorry but i find this scarey behaviour and i'm sure our children do too,they keep out the way but they can hear and see the damage later

This is not the first time,when we argue or he hurts himself he behaves this way,he has thrown his work boots at the walls in our dining room,left chunks of plaster they were thrown so hard,punched holes in our shed etc...

I don't want our boys growing up thinking this is the way to deal with your emotions,i know i need to try not to start arguements and when i raise my voice this is when it all kicks off but hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes.

He's texted me to say sorry,this will be followed by a hug when he gets home and then it's back to normal like nothing's happened...until the next time

Until the next time... or until YOU take action. The choice is yours. For what it's worth I left my last partner for much less than what you are experiencing, and I still think he was a nasty bully, and I still think it was the right thing to do. My only regret is that I didn't go sooner. It took me three attempts to leave him, but I did in the end. Don't stay in your situation forever, there other endings for you and other ways of being than this :(

I will try to talk to him but he's going out tonight (work xmas do) i do think we must talk about this,have done before,he says sorry,yadda yadda then it is put in the past.

But you took yourself off to avoid conflict. He FOLLOWED YOU. You needed to be alone and he totally disrespected and disregarded your space.

KICKING the door in! Out of interest, how many times did he have to kick it to kick it off it's hinges?

Nottonight, you KNOW this is wrong.

I know it's hard. You could have been describing the person I am with. He doesn't do it anymore, but that is because he is leaving in a little over a month's time.

Our relationship is now DEAD. He still asks for sex though, this after insulting my fanjo, calling me C, and trying to trash my (female) friendships cos he was 'jealous' He has NO chance.

Your relationship can only end the same way unless he suddenly learns to treat you and his family with respect.

Don't accept his apology unless he means it. Use this door incident as a catalyst.

TELL him he is going to relate with you, that he will go to anger management and whatever else it takes for this never, ever to happen again. Tell him you don't care if his dick shrivels up and falls off, but that until he learns to treat you like a human being, does all of the above, there will be no LOVE...

If he wants to save the marriage, if he really wants to, he will do all of this, and he will want to change and your relationship then may have a fighting chance.

Without any effort from him? you may as well pack his bags now, cos it'll end up with you hating him.

Mind you, like mine, your's isn't bothered about being a decent father..

so really why would you settle for this?

Honestly, ask yourself, what ARE you getting out of this?

He came home with a chocolate bar as a sorry present! told him i am too sick to eat and that it's not the kind of sorry i wanted,told him his behaviour is intimiteting and unacceptable/scary,that i don't want the boys witnessing this type of thing and thinking it's normal,he just stood there with head down and said nothing,now he's gone to get a haircut.

intimidating,hmm spelling not a strong point!

I remember once in my life my dad hitting his bedroom door so hard he left a hole in it.

Turns out he was in the middle of a nervous breakdown - he later went on long term sick from work with stress and ended up with early retirement.

Point is, that this is not normal behaviour from a decent man - in my dad's case it was abnormal behavious from a man under such severe stress that it ended his working life forever.

You have to deal with this.

Abusers don't abuse all the time (if they did then no sane woman would want to be with them) and many such people are very plausible to those in the outside world. He is now in the "nice" phase of the abuse cycle but such cycles are continuous ones.

This is no relationship template for your children to be witnessing; damaging lessons are being imparted here.

Walking on eggshells is just another way of saying living in fear.

Do talk to Womens Aid - you are all being subjected to domestic violence here at his hands.

Relate will not counsel you together anyway because of the ongoing abuse meted out by him to you all.

You need counselling for your own self in the longer term; such abusive men take years to recover from. Womens Aid do a pattern changing course; I would call them and see if you can get on something like this in the longer term.

AM is often suggested as well in such situations. Anger management as well is of NO use in this type of abuse situation as abusive men often use this to further justify the abuse in their own minds!.

I never say leave him lightly but in this case I feel you have no other choice. You are all being damaged and dragged down by this damaged individual.

Thanks for your replies,feels like when i read them it is about someone else who is going through much worse?

He is bending over backwards now,hugging me,walked the dogs (normally my job) gone to pick son up from school now,he knows he's overstepped the mark.

google cycle of abuse...

his behaviour is textbook

Was it really his grandad he visited? because it sure sounds like he was trying to overcompensate for something when he got back, shortly following by being over critical of you.

Could be wrong but these are classic signs of an affair.

yes,no doubt about who he was visiting.

Ew, rather you than me...

You do know he'll try it on sexually later don't you?

I thnk that actually, you already know that this is wrong and that you need him to leave. I think you are posting here because you need to know that you are right.

Thats because after so long having experienced his abuse you are now questioning your every thought.

This alone is reason enough to get him out of the house.

You do have options. please give Womens aid a call and speak to someone about what is available in your area.

bump

OP-

Please, please, please call Women's Aid. What you describe sounds terrifying, and there is no doubt that your children will be experiencing it as frightening, even if you have become numb to it.
Of course he is bending over backwards now, because he is ashamed of what he has done. Unfortunately that won't stop it happening again and it sounds like his behaviour is escalating....he needs help, now. If he loves you, he will get himself sorted.
You need to protect yourself and your children from this. You do not deserve this..if there are sexual problems that is not your fault and is absolutely no excuse for this, this is violent behaviour and you need to get away from him.

Thing is, when a guy behaves like this for the first time, it's scary. Next time, scary but less so. Third time, you think 'here we go again' and you start getting used to it; normalising it. This is actually very abusive and frightening behaviour. The times when they are nice-when they throw out 'crumbs'-make them seem nicer that they actually are because their previous behaviour was so appalling in contrast.

Is he like this around the children when you're not there?

And don't beat yourself up for getting involved. They usually start off by being charming & attentive. If they kicked a door down on the first date, they would never get a second date.

As others have suggested, I would also recommend speaking to Women's Aid or Rape Crisis.
Good luck.

What would you tell a dear friend to do if she came to you with this situation?

Male view -this is not normal. Enough posts to illustrate this fact. Normal blokes do not kick doors in -really -does not happen. A mismatch in your sex drives is not the cause of this. Do not start thinking this is your fault because it is not. His issues ,his problems ,his immaturity.
My dw would not stick around if i was like this. Full stop. Sorry but that is the truth. The guy is a dickhead. Better off without. Easily said but not done -I realise this -but long term you will be happier.