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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am very miserable about this. Is it normal?

47 replies

Jux · 13/12/2010 14:52

I had to go to London on Friday for the w/e. This was mostly to do with tieing up the last bits vis a vis my little brother's death last year, but I also had the opportunity to see my bf; I also miss living in London, and love going back there.

I got back on Sunday evening.

DH still hasn't asked me how it went, or anything about my w/e at all.

I went to a play a couple of weeks ago - he didn't want to go - and he didn't ask me about that either.

I went to a party about two weeks before that; he didn't ask about it.

He didn't come to my brother's memorial, and nor did he ask about it when I got back from it.

He never asks "How was it?" "How did it go?" "How're you feeling?" "Good trip?". Nothing. Ever.

I don't know why it's making me so sad today, but it is.

OP posts:
thumbplumpuddingwitch · 13/12/2010 14:55

Aww jux, that's so sad. Either he completely lacks empathy or he has no interest in your life away from him - but not to go to your little brother's memorial sucks especially.

((hugs)) to you.

ChippingIn · 13/12/2010 14:56

He sounds like a prize prick tbh.

How long has he been this detached? Do you know why he's like this?

I hope you got everything done that you needed to do and I'm sorry (again) about your brother :(

ChippingIn · 13/12/2010 14:57

Sorry, I should have said, of course it's normal to be sad that he is like this. He is behaving terribly and either needs a kick up the arse or to be left.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 14:58

I am very sorry, jux

It says something doesn't it when a bunch of internet strangers can show more concern for your welfare than your own husband Xmas Hmm

Flyonthewindscreen · 13/12/2010 14:58

No,its not normal to not show any interest in what your DW does. Maybe not so odd when it was the play he didn't want to go to anyway but not asking how your brother's memorial service went - that's just nasty and insensitive imo (and why wasn't he there with you for support anyway?)

What would your DH say if you told him straight up that his lack of interest has really hurt your feelings?

hariboegg · 13/12/2010 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifle · 13/12/2010 15:02

I used to work with someone who was like this. It was their way of showing displeasure and that they were unhappy about what I was doing. I bet he is giving you the silent treatment to show he is not happy, that you went out when he didnt want you to (regardless of the occasion) and it's his infantile way of showing he is annoyed.

scouserabroad · 13/12/2010 15:02

:( I'm sorry about your brother.

My Dh is similar to yours WRT never asking about things. I had to travel to a job interview recently and he hasn't asked once how it went. I can understand him not being interested in my job but I'd like him to be interested in me, if that makes sense. If I tell him about things anyway he doesn't listen and I feel as though I'm boring him so it puts me off talking obv.

It is sad, and I find it's really lonely being in this type of relationship.

Will your Dh usually do things (trips out etc.) with you? Will he talk about things he's interested in?

SlightlyTubbyHali · 13/12/2010 15:03

No, not normal. Was he ever interested in your life? Is this a new thing? I'm not suprised you are sad.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/12/2010 15:08

Your sadness is palpable to us on here, so I cannot imagine how it has escaped your husband. What's the background to this Jux? Has he always been like this, or is this a recent development?

Original poster
Jux · 13/12/2010 15:36

He has been like this since I became pregnant with dd who is now 11.

I did tell him, have told him, how nice it would be if he asked sometimes, but he just said "if there was anything worth telling me about, you'll tell me". It's not the point. I tried to explain that it's nice to show interest. I tried not asking him about things he does without me, but he didn't notice so I went back to asking him again, as I didn't want to play those stupid games and I wanted dd to see one parent being a bit normal.

She asked me. Smile

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 13/12/2010 15:50

no that's not good. especially the memorial. should have been blatantly obvious to him that there would be things worth sharing about that and that emotional support was needed. that actually is bizarre.

doesn't 'feel' very intimate if he can totally ignore that you've been to the memorial of a loved one that day. also sad that he didn't automatically want to be there to support you.

Sad 11 years is a long time to be sort of ignored like this. i'm sorry he doesn't support you better.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 13/12/2010 15:50

glad your daughter is better mannered though Smile

ChippingIn · 13/12/2010 16:54

Jux - I don't know how you have coped in such a loveless marriage for this long. So basically, he felt 'put out' because he was no longer number one in your life and so he's spent 12 years sulking... I don't know how you do and more importantly - I don't know why you do it?

Above all - I'm very sorry that you being treat (treated?) like this :(

Original poster
Jux · 13/12/2010 17:37

Apparently he loves me deeply, though he's very disappointed in me and disgruntled with me. I am not the little wifey he has always protested he doesn't want, but plainly does. My task in life is to do all the shit drudgery so he doesn't have to. I don't do it well enough for him and much of it I don't do at all. This is a great burden for him to bear.

I'm getting sarcastic now, that's a healthy sign. I'm on the up thanks to the fab support from MN.

BTW, leaving isn't practical now, though I wish it were.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 13/12/2010 18:16

Right. I see.

(Trying to hold in my temper here)

Why isn't leaving 'practical' ? Surely life as a single Mum is a possibility these days? and it sounds far preferable to living with this egotistical, twat and modeling this to your DD?

atswimtwolengths · 13/12/2010 18:19

Can you tell us why leaving isn't practical? I'm sure between us we could figure a way out.

It must kill you inside to live like that.

mamas12 · 13/12/2010 18:57

you are slowly losing your mind. How healthy is that for your dd to witness?
Please think about the practicalities, if even to tell him that you are thinking of it.
He needs to know how serious this is.

annh · 13/12/2010 19:04

Why is leaving not practical now? IME, there is never a good time to leave. Please tell us if there is a specific issue right now and what the timescale on resolving that is. Otherwise, let people here help you figure out the practicalities of getting out of this loveless marriage. Your loneliness and sadness are shining out of the page, no-one should have to live like this.

Original poster
Jux · 13/12/2010 19:10

mamas12, he knows. Every so often, I try to talk to him about it. He doesn't accept my point of view and gets angry and I quail before his fury, though he's not physically violent to me. But he is right and I am wrong. Then he sulks; the atmosphere can be awful for days. If I don't challenge him too much, if I don't criticise then he's perfectly human, and happy enough. I just have to choose my moments and battles. There is a huge one coming up which I cannnot shirk, but I would really like to.

I do still try to tell him though. I think he thinks I am mad. And everyone thinks he's such a nice guy - he is, really. I just keep thinking I am not trying hard enough, I am not nice enough, patient enough, understanding enough, kind enough, haven't tried enough. How he is now is brilliant in comparison to how he used to be. In a way I'm grateful that he's tried hard enough so that he now speaks to me at all - Relate at least got that far.

I am thinking of the practicalities.

First: the house is a complete tip. It is his status house ("biggest house in X" he says (our town). It's not, but he can pretend to himself at least). By tip, I mean TIP!

OP posts:
snowpoint · 13/12/2010 19:12

Feel for you. I remember my XH outright telling me he had no interest in the the things I did. Once when I tried to tell him about something I'd achieved, and was proud of, and tried to engage him by getting him to guess something, he replied, "I just don't care." Sad

He's now my ex, and I'm very happy with someone who is vastly different. My situation wasn't easy either, but it's better than a slow death by neglect.

snowpoint · 13/12/2010 19:15

That's not a reason to stay though. Either way, do something about tbe house. If it's really that bad a state, it must be stressful to live in it. Get your H to help, and have a clear out together. Do you think you could be depressed? At my lowest point, housework was the last thing I wanted to tackle (still is, come to think of it!).

overmydeadbody · 13/12/2010 19:23

leaving is never not practical.

There is always a way.

Who cares if the house is a tip? That's not reason to waste your life with this man.

stillhurtin · 13/12/2010 19:35

Oh Jux, I feel for you really do. I don't know why some men just cannot deal with real emotions. It's like when they were giving the whole hearts and flowers thing at the start, you think they are so sensitive and caring. My XP was often very hurtful to his own mother and it wasn't a nice side of him but then he lost all sense of compassion and empathy with me too. I just used to think that he was hurting those he was closest to and he didn't mean it. Until he emotionally connected to the OW and his cycle will start all over again. She probably thinks he is really interested in everything about her and he will be so kind and thoughtful, until it all closes up again and he reverts to type. I don't know where this coldness comes from, it really is hard to accept.

stillhurtin · 13/12/2010 19:40

I know that my whole experience has made me look at myself and sometimes I could maybe be disinterested in things my XP did or said. Not because I didn't care but because I was just giving out what I got back. And I can be a little withdrawn sometimes and maybe not showing as much excitement about things as I could. But there is no way that I could shrug off things as serious as the ones you point out here Jux. I don't know if it is just the female protective and nurturing side but I could never turn my back on someone who was truly hurting and especially if they actually spelt it out. So sorry for you. x

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