Am very miserable about this. Is it normal?

[Jux]

I had to go to London on Friday for the w/e. This was mostly to do with tieing up the last bits vis a vis my little brother's death last year, but I also had the opportunity to see my bf; I also miss living in London, and love going back there.

I got back on Sunday evening.

DH still hasn't asked me how it went, or anything about my w/e at all.

I went to a play a couple of weeks ago - he didn't want to go - and he didn't ask me about that either.

I went to a party about two weeks before that; he didn't ask about it.

He didn't come to my brother's memorial, and nor did he ask about it when I got back from it.

He never asks "How was it?" "How did it go?" "How're you feeling?" "Good trip?". Nothing. Ever.

I don't know why it's making me so sad today, but it is.

Jux, I honestly don't know what to say.

He is abusing you. Emotional abuse is so slow and corossive, it erodes your self esteem and your sense of what is right and what isn't.

The situation you are in isn't healthy for you and your DD.

Saying you will tell him if it's interesting enough is one (shitty) way of looking at things. But what was his reason for not coming to your brother's memorial service with you? I cannot imagine a decent husband not thinking that his wife wouldn't want his support (and no, you shouldn't have to ask for that sort of support, it should be a given).

'And everyone thinks he's such a nice guy '

He didn't go to your brothers memorial service. No one who noticed this will think he is a nice guy. He is a dick......

Sorry jux, I agree with chippingin - this is emotional abuse. To be so cold, so emotionally volatile that you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting off a sulk, to care so little about you that you accept the crumbs he offers you as being worth it - emotional abuse.

He isn't a nice guy and he doesn't love you deeply. He is a git.

It is of course up to you whether or not you leave him - but do think about these things for a moment here:
I don't know how old you are but your DD is 11. You could wait another 7 years but you are giving her a very skewed view of what a decent relationship/family should be like and risking her falling into similar when she grows up - so having her realise that this is NOT the way loving relationships work would be good sooner rather than later.
The longer you leave it, the older you will be and although there is no saying how it will go, you probably diminish your chances of finding someone else, the older you are. Not saying you still couldn't - just it might be harder.
Do you have a job outside the home? Again, the older you are, the harder it would be to get one if you don't, so if you have to support yourself and your DD, sooner is better again.

So :( for you again this morning (in Australia here).

Jux. Have you ever heard of personality disorders?

Stillhurtin, have you?

I know I sound like a stuck record but it may just be that your highly dysfunctional 'men' have one. And they are very destructive to live with especially for children.

And to answer your question, no, such treatment of you isn't normal.

And it damages children.

And it's a good time to stop questioning yourself, analysing your own behaviour and as thumb says just keep accepting crumbs.

It's time to ditch. Time to oput your dcs and yourself first for a change and time to get the flock out of there.

Amazonian-type crushing hugs.

Stillhurtin you will change your name in a month or so, to 'NothurtinanythinglikeasmuchHA'

Jux, why on earth does your tip of a house make a difference to whether or not you can leave him? You and DD can walk away - save for or borrow the deposit for a rental flat and off you go. It doesn't have to be complicated.

I remember your threads - you've had a shit year or so. I'm sorry; you don't need this as well. But you do deserve more than this.

I cannot hold down a job; I have ms and get exhausted at the drop of a hat, not to mention the physical weakness and all the other stuff. It's being compounded by an under-active thyroid atm, but that is being dealt with, though it'll be a couple of months before they get the dose right and I can turn into Superwoman! When I am less tired (when the dose is right) I am pretty sure I will be able to deal with things, face things, more easily than I can now. All I can manage now is to get through the day to day stuff. Anything on top of that is beyond me.

I am not scared of being alone; I don't care if I never meet someone as I know I can be very happy with just good friends - I still have a couple! - but otherwise alone. I do not really get lonely in that way, and I don't think I would ever trust myself to make a major decision about a relationship again anyway. Also, as I'm into my 50s now, what I have to look forward to with a man is all downhill! Prostate problems etc. Think I'd be better off without

I've been living with this for a long time. He used to be downright cruel to me and so I know what a huge improvement has taken place. I should appreciate that more, but I don't; I am trying so hard to forgive, which I think is at the bottom of it all - he thinks I should put all 'that' behind me and is resentful that I haven't, but I can't. It comes out too often, though in much smaller ways than heretofore. My mother would say I was unkind, ungrateful etc (I know she would be wrong though). I have this horrible Catholic drag on me, which tells me I'm failing in charity - loving-kindness if you like - as well as faith and hope.

Thank you all for listening to me. I have to go to bed now. Don't know how I've stayed up this late!

Jux

I'm glad you can see that your Mother would be wrong.

You are wrong on your earlier posts too - it is not because you are not enough - it is because he is not enough.

If this is a huge improvement, I truely hate to think what he was like before :(

I understand what you are saying about being too ill/too tired to leave right now. It is a shame because I think you would feel so much better, so much more alive, if you left. I know it wont 'cure' your thyroid or MS but it would make you feel lighter and less ground down.

I hope you do get the energy to face leaving him in the New Year - you don't deserve this. You deserve so much more than this - and so does your DD x

hope you get a good restful sleep.

come back.

Hi Jux
I too can relate to the "not asking about things" - my relationship with dh has always been up and down - he is of a very critical nature and is a lot more negative and apparently cynical now than he used to be. At the moment we are in the middle of a roughly 7 week sulk - we had an argument roughly that amount of time ago and he is still hardly talking - just about things we have to talk about eg. kids. I can remember occasions before this big sulk where I have been out and dh has asked me nothing at all about it, thus kind of nullifying the pleasure I might have had during the outing. After all we see our friends socially and that's great but the "core" of our life should be at home and it is hard to accept that the "core" is either deeply sick or non-existent. I think it's got something to do with doing things apart from them and so they are things that don't really COUNT - don't know if somebody has already said that.
I too have been thinking that in an ideal world dh and I would separate as we have obviously run our course and anyway he can be very rude, dismissive and sarcastic towards me (not saying I haven't done things to damage relationship), but we have 3 kids who are 4, 6 and 9 and this makes it much more difficult to even contemplate.
I too totally understand about feeling too tired to leave right now, it's such a massive decision and scary undertaking that you really need to feel strong to do it I think - do you have people who could support you during the whole process?
Sorry, a lot of my post has been about me but I can relate to some of what you have been saying and it is very lonely.

Just read this thread, Jux so sorry about your brother.

I feel so sad for you and how trapped you are feeling. I just wanted you to know I'm sending you good thoughts and wishing you strength.

I hope you can get you and your lovely sounding daughter out sometime soon, maybe some of your friends might be willing if not desperate to help you if you have spoken to them.

I'm angry that your H feels he can treat anyone like he treats you. And that you're supposed to be grateful he's not being as horrible as previously. This situation is not your fault.

Whatever you do, best of luck, sounds like your daughter is a good 'un in your life at least :). Come back and let us know how you are doing soon.

Ostracized, I hope things get better for you too. Don't blame yourself for things going like this in the relationship, 7 week sulking is worse than most normal relationship mistakes and everyone does the odd daft thing. Good luck for happiness :)

Oh dear lord, jux, I feel so sad that your husband isn't a friend to you ...
I shouldn't really have replied, as I'm asleep! But I want to hug you, so I posted instead.

Thanks everyone, you've helped me feel heaps better. I'm a little ashamed for spilling here, and feel I have effectively betrayed him, or his trust/belief in me. Consequently, I've shied away from this thread for a few days.

In those few days, we have got on perfectly well, which we do most of the time - not like h and w, more like mildly wary flatmates. It is when I expect something from him that everything falls apart. He gets stressed, angry and resentful, I get sad, angry and despairing. It's not good, I know.

I am not sure what I am going to do. We are still waiting for my brother's estate to finish being sorted out, and also my mum's. When all that is done I hope I'll see more clearly what I can do, who's around in RL who might help etc.

The good news is that the pills are working

Thanks to all of you for getting me through this latest bout of misery.

Oh Jux, you sound so resigned to more bouts of misery.

This is your life - there are no second chances to relive it.

I know PurpleKate, and I know there are no second chances too. That was my entire attitude until I got married. Everything has changed since then and I don't recognise myself any more.

I am making plans though. I am going to pick up my career though in a different direction entirely. I'm looking at sonography (there's a thread asking for advice here from me). I hope dh won't get in the way like he did before, but if he tries, I am stronger than I was then and could, probably, stand up to him.

Hi Jux-this is so sad. Tend to agree with most of the posters that you must find a way to end this relationship but please think about the consequences first. many people, including myself, seem to be in these sorts of relationships where there is little empathy or consideration, so you are definitely not alone. I find solace in my friends, my hobbies and my work, and obviously my DD. I find that the more independent feel I am, the better i am am able to cope. I hope you find a solution soon, even if it does not involve physically leaving him.

Good luck.

Thanks biryani, you're right about independence. I wouldn't worry about it half so much if I had more independence, but I have had to rely on him almost totally for years. In the last few years I have been physically improving and am now so much stronger that I can actually consider ways of improving my lot. Get a job, maybe try to drive again, those sort of things will help so substantially that it may not be necessary to do more.

The balance in the relationship startedinching its way back in my direction in a tiny way when Gordon Brown introduced child tax credits (and dh finally applied), so that I actually had some money instead of having to go cap in hand to him. I think that was the thing that shoved me onto the road to recovery from a serious ms attack, which left me incapable and hugely vulnerable. I'd been downtrodden for about 4 years by then and am slowly, slowly, slowly climbing up the hill again.

Jux, I remember you posting before about your brother's memorial (I think it was you - was he in a band?). So sorry.

My friend has been/is going through something similar with her husband - turns out he has Aspergers. Do you think your husband might have something like that?

Having Aspergers isn't an excuse for being a complete shit, you know. This man likes having Jux frightened of his rages, unhappy, guilty and anxious. It makes his dick go stiff to see her cry. He's horrible. Jux, have you looked into benefits for single parents, especially ones with health problems? DO you know that your H would have to contribute a good chunk of his salary to maintaining his DC if you separate from him?
I think your MS would imporve if you didn;t have him in the house any more, sulking at you, treating you with such contempt and unkindness.
As to everyone else thinking he's a nice man, I rather doubt this. Abusive men often claim that everyone loves them and despises their difficult wives, but a lot of people find abusers uncomfortable company even if they are not sure that the person is actually abusive.

The poor sod doesn't have a salary to pay a big chunk of! KnowNothing, yes that was me, my bro was a bass player to the great and the good and you would never have heard of him though I just picked up his (last!) Platinum disk about a week ago.

I agree with SGB that no sort of condition excuses being a shit (and he isn't a complete one, I think just extraordinarily selfish, though becoming less so very gradually). There's no way he's got anything on the autistic spectrum; I studied autism and I used to work with autistic children, I promise he really hasn't.

When I was independent, had a career, money, could get around on my own etc the balance of power in our relationship was right, and we had a great time; in fact, the only reason I had a child at all was because I thought our relationship was good enough to bring a kid into. Unfortunately, when I lost all that - and it was pretty well overnight - he carried on being strong overbearing alpha chauvinist male and there was no one to stop him, so he just went on and went on and went on.

As I get stronger physically and mentally (yes SGB, despite him) he is being reigned in. He doesn't like it, but if you'd had your own way for years and years without anyone really questioning it, you'd have problems adjusting too.

I am not excusing him, by the way. I do think that he should have used his own reigns, and been aware, without my telling him, that he was going too far, and that his behaviour and attitude were unacceptable. I think that about the last few years too, which have been a lot better.

He can't help it if he doesn't love me enough, though, that's not anyone's fault, just a bit of a tragedy. I clearly don't love him enough either any more. That's another tragedy.

He can't help it if he doesn't love you, but he can help himself stop treating you with unkindness and contempt. Does he treat other people like this? If not, then he is perfectly able to control his behaviour.