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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I got dumped and I'm not sure how to feel.

31 replies

Banks · 13/12/2010 02:37

I've been posting about the relationship here for a while. You can track back through the threads here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1098949-Would-you-date-a-32-year-old-man-whose-longest-term-relationship-was-8-mos-Hes-slept-w-20-women-and-says-he-is-almost-always-the-one-to-leave

So that was last weekend. This weekend he shows up at my place on Sat. We didn't have any specific plans which I thought was odd. He starts out by telling me how crushed he is at work-- how things have been piling up and he just can't seem to get out from under it. He specifically mentions how he has to write a certain kind of document that I have a lot of experience with. I offered to help him with it. At that point, he stopped and said that we needed to have a talk.

I knew what was coming and he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think we had set a very good foundation to the relationship and that it wasn't feeling right to him. I agree with that-- he's totally right. I mean, I didn't even tell him I was in the process of getting a divorce until months in! That was so dumb. I was wrong in not being way more open with him from the start and he was wrong in exactly the same way.

He also said that due to his crazy workload (he does work 100 hours per week) he simply cannot afford even the small-ish amount of time we spent together. Which I can also see as I have a similar background and I know what it would be like to have the crazy job he has.

Furthermore, I was intending to leave the city we're in for elsewhere at the end of Feb. and would only be staying for him... But, to add complication to the matter, he's leaving for somewhere in May and he currently has no idea where-- it will entirely depend on where he gets hired. So that, to him, seems too complicated to work with. I can see that, but to me it doesn't really matter where I end up as long as it's not here and I have the career and financial flexibility to be most anywhere.

He also said that he just had a feeling that things were "off" and that he couldn't really explain why. I pressed him a couple of times and he had no real answer.

After that discussion, I brought up the notion of us continuing to see each other only for sex. He seemed amenable to that and we went back to my place and shagged a couple of times. After which he needed to leave to go attend to more work.

What would you do if you were me? Part of me wants to use the sex aspect for 1. the amazingly hot sex and 2. to see if there's any notion that maybe we could build a better foundation and work out the living thing.

OP posts:
Maelstrom · 13/12/2010 02:42

Let him go. People who leave relationships because they "just had a feeling that things were "off" and that he couldn't really explain why. " are NOT the ones to keep.

Keep you dignity, unless you can't care less about him, do not keep in touch just for the sex.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/12/2010 02:43

You will never have a relationship with this man. As long as you accept that, shag him as much as you like. :)

Original poster
Banks · 13/12/2010 02:46

Maelstrom,
But isn't it ok to listen to your gut? I guess what you're saying is that he's not good at examining where his trepidation is coming from and thus he doesn't really know himself?

OldLadyKnowsNothing, What makes you say that it will never happen? Spell it out for me, please, I am honestly a bit dim when it comes to things like this. :)

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/12/2010 03:06

I'm only going by what's posted here, and not your old thread; sorry, but it's too late at night... but he's telling you quite strongly that he's not interested in a relationship.

Re-read your OP.

He's leaving for somewhere vague, soonish, works over 100 hours a week (that alone says quite strongly that he hasn't time for a relationship atm) and is a bit "meh" when it comes to relationship-type things.

But cheers up immediately at NSA shagging.

Come on, it's not rocket science.

aurynne · 13/12/2010 03:12

Banks, it is evident a relationship will never happen because he is as far of being in love with you as can be. If you are having sex with him because you enjoy no-strings fun, that's great. If you are trying to use sex to keep him by your side in the hopes of him ending up falling in love with you... well, you are up to a lot of heartbreak.

Sorry, I agree you should keep your dignity and move on. He doesn't love you.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/12/2010 03:29

Ok, I have read the older thread and glanced through the second. Really, have fantastic sex with this man, and then leave for wherever you planned to leave for in February. Have fond memories of shagtastic moments. Always remember him fondly.

DO NOT KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HIM.

Really, he's already telling you this stuff; if you reversed the positions many MNers would be urging you to take out some sort of anti-harrassment order.

Original poster
Banks · 13/12/2010 03:58

OldLadyKnowsNothing, if it were rocket science, I would be better at figuring it out! Thanks for reading the old threads and for the advice. :) Not sure what you mean about the anti-harassment order, ha. I do think about it a lot but he has no idea how much soooooooooo...

aurynne, You really think he's as far as he can be? Another part of the story is that he had loaned me a dvd of his and a book. When he was at my place, I got them out and offered them to him. He told me to keep them and that maybe one day he'd ask for them back. Isn't that some sort of signal? Or not?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/12/2010 04:02

Yes, it's a signal that he'd like the right to turn up at your place whenever and have an excuse for you to invite him in... so he can have an NSA shag. If you're Ok with that, go ahead. But, really...

Please!

Ditch him!

He doesn't want you anyway! How much clearer could he be?

aurynne · 13/12/2010 04:59

Banks, guys are very clear and don't use "signals". He has told you clearly he is not in love with you. Come one, just think about it: do you really think if he had strong feelings for you he would be telling you his job is too important to keep seeing you? Would YOU tell that to someone you're in love with?

I understand how hard it is to let go of hope. I have been where you are now. More than once, actually. And yes, letting go now will save you from lots of pain.

Alouiseg · 13/12/2010 05:41

But you don't want NSA sex with him, you wanted a relationship.

Why accept anything less? You're still harbouring a desire for a relationship and he gets his rocks off whenever he fancies it!

Id tell him to poke it tbh!

Truckulent · 13/12/2010 07:12

'After that discussion, I brought up the notion of us continuing to see each other only for sex. He seemed amenable to that and we went back to my place and shagged a couple of times'

I bet fliers amenable. Sex with no commitment, I bet he's in heaven.

dogfish · 13/12/2010 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mbs · 13/12/2010 11:21

OP, how well do you think you can handle NSA sex with him, as you obviously liked him alot and hoped for a 'real boyfriend'? Great, if you are capable of just having sex every now and then with him as it is so enjoyable, but I don't think I could do it, because at the back of my mind I would always be hoping to influence his feelings for me eg. that they would grow stronger through intimate contact; I would get more attached to him (such a stereotypical woman, I know) because of the intimacy, and I know I am not very good at separating sex and having feelings for a man (ok, I find it just about impossible). I think alot of men can do this more easily, and I suspect you have had feelings growing during your time together (as would happen in another relationship), and he has been quite straight with you and said it's no to a relationship, but he is, of course (typical man?) agreeable to nice sex to meet his needs when he fancies it, and much more convenient as well to have an ongoing service available (yes, I know it works both ways!!!).

Also, there is basic geographical considerations coming about your locations in a few months' time.

Don't attach too much 'meaning' to a book and a DVD; yes, you can look at that and say - he's trying to keep his options open...... but it's probably not that 'deep' (even in a manipulative way), and he is just being polite/friendly...

Watch the film 'He's Really Not That Into You' (or whatever it's called). If a man is interested in you, he will make time for you.

mbs · 13/12/2010 11:24

And why did you immediately suggest sex as the only way forward as your contact together - did you just think ' okay, it's nice, I want more of it, and why not' or - - were you a bit hurt and you were not ready to let it go.

mbs · 13/12/2010 11:30

OP, if he doesn't have strong feelings for you, enough to want a 'relationship', of course, it is easier for him than you to just see you for sex! But, it's not like that for you, I suspect, and you had more feelings for him than he had for you.

He just wasn't 'that into you'. Sorry.

mbs · 13/12/2010 11:37

He doesn't want a relationship anyway by the sounds of it at this time in his life, and I don't think having a 'relationship' is really part of his agenda at the moment in his life/in general.

SerendipitousHarlot · 13/12/2010 11:38

Aww, sorry for you, OP.

You can't have NSA sex when one of you wants something more. You do, he doesn't, and he couldn't make it any clearer. Tell him to fuck off and find someone that's willing to give you time and emotion.

mbs · 13/12/2010 11:41

I think you will just get very hurt if you continue and it won't do much for your self-esteem - but I think I am projecting myself too much, and don't know you, OP.

ChippingIn · 13/12/2010 11:46

You originally kept quiet about your divorce because you wanted to shag him and thought he might not want to if you told him about that - so you got what you want.

You found him 'a challenge' - well, he isn't anymore, he's laid his cards out on the table. He is not interested in a relationship with you.

DVD/Book whatever - he just doesn't care about them enough to bother taking them, he might ask you for them 'some time'. (Next time tell him to take them, you are organinsing for your move and don't need them cluttering up the place).

IF you can enjoy NSA sex for the next couple of months until you both go your separate ways then go for it - but don't do it hoping for me. He has been totally up front with you - he is not interested in a relationship with you.

Original poster
Banks · 13/12/2010 16:08

:( You guys are bumming me out. I'll go through and respond to each point later as I'm a bit busy at the moment, but isn't there any hope there at all?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/12/2010 16:15

No, there is no hope at all. Find someone new.

Antalya1 · 13/12/2010 16:21

Ah sweetheart...I remember your post from a couple of weeks back...I'm so sorry that this has happened as you were really smitten with this guy. As tempting as it may be to offer a sexual relationship only..please don't...the relationship started on a completely different footing and its nigh on impossible to move it this level when you are already emotionally involved. Also he's very very wrong to accept this when he clearly knows how you feel about him. As HUGELY difficult as it is, you know in your heart that it's time to let go, It's going to be rubbish..and you're going to feel awful for a little while, but if you hang on in there you are going to get even more hurt. He's stated what he's willing to offer..you just have to be incredibly strong and say no, you're far to good for that. Please keep posting, we'll offer you all the support we can x

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 13/12/2010 16:37

Of for goodness sake Banks, what age are you? This is over, loud and clear. If it was ever really on.

Offering sex, no strings attatched, well, what can I say? Not exactly classy is it? Please keep clear of him, he will only diminish what self respect you have at the moment. Sorry to sound blunt but you seem spectacularly naive.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 13/12/2010 17:17

Banks, love, let it go.

Fantastic sex will not take the place of a relationship. (trust me)

Listen to your gut, look at the signs, he is not that into you.

You also, by your own confession said it was a bit soon after your marriage, so take some time to love yourself and value yourself.

Until you do, no-one else will be able to.

FattyArbuckel · 13/12/2010 17:23

Banks you are only hung up on this because you have poor self esteem.

This bloke is going to make your self esteem worse not better. He is the very last thing you need.