Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

For those of you who don't 'do' confrontations

42 replies

Justmeandthekids · 12/12/2010 21:03

how do you deal with issues in your relationship? How do you get to discuss serious issues with your partner?

I can not seem to find a way to have a 'discussion' with DH who hates confrontation. Any situation where he expresses a different opinion than me, he sees it as 'having an argument'.

But we are having major issues in our marriage and we need to talk about some things (not just me ranting. I need him to tell me what he finds difficult too and i need to be able to say what I find difficult iyswim).

So what would you do?

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 12/12/2010 21:06

Hmmm. I had this issue with exh. Even if I prefixed every discussion with the phrase 'I really don't want to argue but we need to discuss something' - he would immediately go on the defensive and it would turn into a huge row as he completely refused to communicate.

It was a massive hurdle, and I never found a way to fix it. So I shall be interested in the advice that you get. Sorry to not be more help!

Original poster
Justmeandthekids · 12/12/2010 21:09

Well in some ways, we can't even say that we row. To do that, he would need to say something but most of the time, he just stare at me and stays silent... to avoid confrontation....

OP posts:
perfumeditsawonderfullife · 12/12/2010 21:10

On the odd occasion dh and I have not managed to broach things I usually emailed him at work, and we mailed back and forth then after dinner we felt we were half way there and the chat flowed.

It wasn't often though. I don't think it's healthy to react with such terror to discussions. Is there a reason he shies away for it?

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 12/12/2010 21:12

I would tell him that he has a choice. He can discuss the issues in the marriage or the marriage will probably fail. That is not a threat, but your fear. You want to talk and try to work it out, but he has to want to as well.

And then I'd ask him if he wants to save the marriage.

Why is he so afraid of confrontation? Is it just with you or with everyone? do people walk all over him? How were his parents re confrontation?

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 12/12/2010 21:12

How about going out to lunch. At least the atmosphere is sort of relaxed and you both know voices wont be raised (hopefully)

An egg timer to each say your bit?Confused

tribpot · 12/12/2010 21:15

I think the silence could be a bad sign - MN has a tendency to go to the "he's a narc, avoid!" angle but it is in that spectrum. DH and I don't row because our relationship is complicated by his chronic illness, but we try to talk about things rationally and we acknowledge when he is too upset to speak.

Maybe ask DH, when he's calm, how he would best like to deal with disagreement. It could be in writing, so he has a chance to consider his response? Very important not to see it as 'having an argument' - two people can't live together without occasionally having different views on things, there must be a way of resolving differences.

Original poster
Justmeandthekids · 12/12/2010 21:16

No not just me. Similar attitude in his family I think. I've never seen his parents been confrontational with each other at all. At most, you have a bit of Hmm on my FIL face.

Also not something new. It wasn't obvious at the start of the relationship (no major problem to solve!) but with 2 dcs....
I've told him so many times that I really need him to say what he thinks, if he agrees with me or not etc... but with no success.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justmeandthekids · 12/12/2010 21:18

I don't know why he is so afraid of confrontation. He never said anything about it...

We have been out for a meal etc... but his reaction would be the same.

OP posts:
Antalya1 · 12/12/2010 21:19

I had exactly the same problem with my ex, no matter how I tried to approach subjects he just wouldn't discuss...it was passive aggressive behaviour, very unfair and very frustrating, no-one is that frightened of talking, especially if it's non-confrontational. Sorry I have no suggestions, apart from googling how to deal with passive aggressive behaviours.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 12/12/2010 21:20

perhaps he has never learned how to resolve conflicts?

If he won't talk to you, then let him listen.

Tell him how you feel and how scared you are that your marriage is in trouble and that you want to work on it but you need him to be working on it with you. And you love him. And confrontation won't mean you stop loving him.

My father's mother used to tell him that she wouldn't love him any more if he did X, didn't do Y, wasn't a good boy etc etc. As a result he feared confrontation as he associated it with potentially not being loved any more.

Original poster
Justmeandthekids · 12/12/2010 21:21

tribpot, I was wondering about putting things in writing. It is the least natural thing to do for me but could give it a go.

By 'a narc' you mean a narcicist?

OP posts:
perfumeditsawonderfullife · 12/12/2010 21:21

Gosh, to be honest, that would infuriate me boyond measure. How have you managed to put up with this so long?

SerendipitousHarlot · 12/12/2010 21:22

My exh is still the same I'm afraid. Even now when I pick up/drop off ds, he barely speaks - yet 5 minutes later I'll get some critical text Hmm

GraceAwayInAManger · 12/12/2010 21:22

I can't imagine this! What happens when he does have a view? Does he express it and you're expected to agree? If you disagree, how do you tell him??

I often find it easier to express complicated or controversial ideas in writing - I see some others have mentioned this; have you ever tried it?

Slashtrophe · 12/12/2010 21:22

There are a couple of books that could be helpful - 'Getting to Yes' and 'Difficult Conversations'.

Original poster
Justmeandthekids · 12/12/2010 21:25

Hec, I think you have a good point. He has no idea on how to resolve a conflict and any conflict seems to be the end of the world to him. I asked him once if he thought that the house would collapse on him if he said what he really thought. his answer 'yes'. Tried to reassured him it wouldn't but I have obvioulsy failed at convincing him.

OP posts:
Ginger4justice · 12/12/2010 21:27

It might be a slightly different situation as it's both me and DH that don't "do" confrontations, we both know we need to try to communicate in other ways. These maybe helpful for your DH if he's willing to try them. Things that make it easier for us are:

  • talking about things in the car. You're not looking at each other which makes it less confrontational and intense. I also find silence's less intimidating in a car because they are more natural than in a discussion (say because there's a good song on the radio or a tricky roundabout) so its easier to take a break to think about your response rather than feeling you have to respond instantly.
  • emailing at work. You do have to think hard about how you phrase things though as it's easy to be misconstrued and end up not only upsetting each other but also not getting any work done!

We find it generally takes us longer to talk about anything that really matters to us as we only talk about things for a short while and then come back to them once we've had time to marshall our feelings and gather our thoughts up.

Hope you find something that works for you and your DH.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 12/12/2010 21:29

I wondered if that might be the case. Not a bad man, not passive aggressive, not a 'narc' - just someone who's scared of conflict because due perhaps to his parent's relationship, he sees disagreement as the end of all things.

Grin which is just as big a leap from your posts as suggesting he's got npd Grin I know.

Original poster
Justmeandthekids · 12/12/2010 21:31

The times when he does express a 'strong' view, it is very much a a 'I'm right, you're wrong' type of situation - no discussion possible. He has been getting very very angry (but not expressed throught words). The worst was probably the day he was clenching his fists so thightly that his knuckles were white! That was because I wanted a conversation about changing school for our dcs and he had decided it wasn't necessary. I had started by saying I wanted his point of view because I couldn't make up my mind on what was the best!

So either I back down and follow his lead or I stand up to it. It comes to a wall and then...puff... the problem disappears, he is agreeing with me and it is as if no problem has ever existed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justmeandthekids · 12/12/2010 21:34

Slash, I'll have a look at the books.

OP posts:
StarExpat · 12/12/2010 21:34

My DH does this - avoids serious discussions if it involves something that I'm not happy with about him or me being unhappy about anything. If it has to do with DS, he'll engage in any kind of conversation. But he doesn't know how to handle conflict or constructive criticism. I have a very solid understanding of why he's like this as I have a degree in psychology and I know a lot about his childhood. But I struggle to help him now.

It's very irritating and I'll be watching this thread with interest.

BTW my dh is not a narcissist. I'm sure of it. This is a very tiny picture of him for the purpose of this thread :)

tribpot · 12/12/2010 21:38

Justme, yes I did mean narcissist, not because I think your H is one but that is a definite trait of one. Written word might not be for you, but hopefully you can find a method that is. How would he react if you simply asked him what he would like to do to address issues?

Original poster
Justmeandthekids · 12/12/2010 21:44

Tribpot, I don't know. I will have to try and see what he comes up with.

OP posts:
StarExpat · 12/12/2010 21:45

justme - would he say "what issues? there are no issues" that's what my dh would say.

tribpot · 12/12/2010 21:48

Justme, we cross-posted. White knuckles don't sound right. Do you know why he could be so anti-confrontation?