For those of you who don't 'do' confrontations

[Justmeandthekids]

how do you deal with issues in your relationship? How do you get to discuss serious issues with your partner?

I can not seem to find a way to have a 'discussion' with DH who hates confrontation. Any situation where he expresses a different opinion than me, he sees it as 'having an argument'.

But we are having major issues in our marriage and we need to talk about some things (not just me ranting. I need him to tell me what he finds difficult too and i need to be able to say what I find difficult iyswim).

So what would you do?

Well I suppose it depends how I would frame the question. If put on the spot (eg, I say something and his face tells me he is unhappy about it. If I ask him if everything is OK, if he is happy with the situation, he would have the same answer).

If I frame it around our marriage which has really hit rock bottom, then I don't know. The issue is much more serious and he has admitted that we should talk but no sign of anything like this happening!

But tbh, I think it is one of the reaon why we are having problems now. He has been 'accepting' too many things he wasn't happy with and became very ressentful.

I have no idea of why he avoids confrontation like this.

DH's coming back. Will come back later

from the perspective of somebody who absolutely freezes when faced with any kind of confrontation, even those which an onlooker would be hard pressed to see as in any way aggressive, i can see that this must be hideously wearing for you, to say the least. i often wonder at my dp's patience. i do exactly that thing of clamming up and staring, and i can't possibly explain to you why. it pretty much exactly a rabbit in headlights kind of thing, it's not that i'm standing there willfully refusing to engage on any kind of controllable level, i just actually can't respond.

but i do know that this is a problem, that it's my problem and that i have to find a way of communicating my position to my dp. i find what works best is to go back to the conversation after my failure to join it, through text or email, so that when we do talk about it, the points of difference have been aired and it's only exploring a way of compromising or whatever. i'm not sure you can force this, though - i start the virtual conversation with my dp, since i am the one who finds it so hard to engage in the first place. but he does need to talk to you, obviously, and maybe starting in this disembodied way might help.

i am hopeful that i am not a narcissist.

I was thinking about how full of resentment & frustration he must be, after a lifetime of - what? Suppressed disagreement? Dumb compliance? Whatever, it sounds painful! Do you think the white knuckles were from anger or fear?

Life must be difficult for him in all areas. Being unskilled in basic, everyday negotiation, he must suffer some very unsatisfactory outcomes in everything from work to shopping to ordinary conversation. There are lots of training techniques to overcome the fear of disagreement - it's all about assertiveness. You could try starting by making some outrageously wrong statements, so he just has to disagree!

You must be feeling frantically unheard in your relationship :( I don't know how many different ways you've tried to overcome this communication blockage but, as you say your marriage is now at risk, you must have tried pretty hard. The obvious suggestion is to get him along to Relate. This will mean making it clear to him just how distressed you are - what reaction would you expect?

x-posted, Stripey. From your pov, do my suggestions look way off-beam?

grace - well, i agree that it must be horrendously frustrating for justme and for her dh. tbh, i think it's more likely that he needs some sort of therapy if he's totally freezing up and hasn't found any strategies to communicate his needs/position. i've never found any kind of assertiveness training to be helpful, that could just be me, though.

i agree that it can be extremely limiting in more areas of life than relationships, but obviously it's very wearing in that context. perhaps he needs to go to relate - or another counseling service - alone in the first instance, to look at his communication difficulties in isolation from whatever the issues in the relationship are?

whatever other issues, i mean. obviously the communication issue is the key issue.

and the white knuckles - frustration with himself, i'd guess.

Interesting. Thanks! Oh, and you queried my assumptions just fine

Lots of good points above. A few weeks ago there was a thread about text/email being a useful occasional tool to communicate. Some people were critical about texting/email but this has sometimes been helpful in my own relationship. One of the advantages is that it is unlikely to result in a big bust up and both sides get their point across.

OK, so this would be on the "out there" side of things - but how would it be if you each got a hat or something and pretended to be the other and said what you think the other might be thinking? Complete with comedy impressions voices? If it's way out the other person can deny and if there's truth it's so silly you can have a laff at the same time.

It is silly so I hesitate to say that it's worked for me but...it's worked for me...

Stripey, is it just way wrong~?

grace

melezka, i think in the context of working out the communication problem, it could help if both parties have that kind of sense of humour? but i guess first, op and her dh need to have the conversation about the talking problem. i think in her position i would try a conversation at a time when there's no disagreement going on about his tendency not to talk when stressed, and whether he thinks it would be helpful for him to overcome this tendency or to work out some way of getting around it (assuming it's the same kind of thing that happens to me. i grew up in a house where anger was very poorly managed, maybe he did too).

hope you can work out a way around this, op.

Grace, your description of 'a lifetime of suppressed disagreement' is actually a very good description of DH's reality.

I believe his ressentment is very high. But I am not sure what is really the cause of it iyswim. Because he never expresses clearly his pov, I am left guessing most of the time.
I leaves me wondering if he really wanted children, why he hasn't been supporting me when I really needed him to, if he was actually happy with some major life changes (like going back to Uni). Even though he was always part of the decision process.
Inability to deal with emotions and confrontations, means he has been 'expressing' them in less than helpfull ways (passive-aggressive behaviour, stonewalling have both been part of the 'agenda' in these recent years)

Sometimes fear makes the switch click into a different position. So fear of divorce means he has stopped most the above behaviours but I can't see how it will last if he/we don't tackle the communication problem first.
But again fear is not a way to solve any problem long-term.

I do agree that he is suffering a lot emotionally. But he refuses to show it (you know the 'Be strong' stance ...).
I am also quite clear myself than some of my reactions do make things worse sometimes (I am the sort of person who likes to talk and discuss, and much prefers very 'straight' talk so as you can see, we can't be more opposite in that respect!). I have tried to make some changes on what I guess is an big issue for him. But this is not enough atm for our marriage to survive.

Anyway, thank you all for your input. This has actually been very helpful for me.
I will write him a letter and see if that is 'neutral' enough for him. I am thinking of just talking about how he thinks we can communicate better and leave talking about our relationship problems for later. we'll see how he responds to that.

Stripey, I have suggested counselling before. It was met by a big 'No, I am not going to share my problems with a complete stranger'....

justme, i'm sorry he won't think of counselling - not that i ever have - since it's clear he really does have a problem if he is actually really resentful of his life because he has not found a way to properly involve himself in decisions about it. writing might be a good way to start/continue a conversation about this with him. hopefully he will write back good luck

bump for today