In love?

[whethergirl]

I'm really confused about my feelings about dp, just wanted some feedback and wondered how you felt in your relationships and why you have decided to be with your dp?

Met someone a year ago after being single for 5 years. He was really into me right from the start, I had a few niggling doubts but I guess he kind of won me over with his keeness. Also, I thought he had some lovely qualities - very trustworthy, very considerate and caring, intelligent. He is a lot more dreamy/romantic than me, feels we are soul mates and mentioned marriage after only a few months of dating (and I've now noticed that's how my other two main relationships began - with the dp being very serious and full on very early on).

I'm just not sure that I'm "in love" with him or how important that is. He would do anything for me, always complimenting me, incredibly respectful towards me, helps me whenever and however I need, always ready to listen, never gets in a hump with me and places my happiness as a priority. His love is unconditional - and i'm not sure that's even a good thing. What's more, he is so good with ds and ds has become very very fond of him - he has no contact with his father and is so pleased to have a father figure in his life.

On the downside, in this past year, he has had severe depression for 2 months, a drinking problem (not a bad drunk but turning to drink instead of facing up to problems), financial problems due to his bad spending habits (spent some money he was supposed to be using towards our future). I helped and supported him through the depression and drink, (which are now resolved) but the financial mess was the last straw and I told him to get his act together.

We get on well, never argue, life is fairly easy with him as he is so easy going. He won't ever mistreat me and he is good with ds who adores him. Is this good enough reason to carry on the relationship?

No. Not in my honest opinion. I fear you would lack respect for his unconditional 'love' if that's what it is. Which I doubt. He maybe idolises you, that's not so healthy either.

As for the downside, well, so many issues for a man so deeply in love

If you're asking the question then the answer is no.

You don't sound like you're in love with him so it won't work.

My fear is that maybe this is about as "in love" as I get as I don't have any other experience tbh. Also I see other women putting up with all sorts and I think, at least I am being treated well.

And I know this just sounds so wrong but...not only do I find break ups so hard to cope with, but this time (and first time) my ds is involved - I feel like I would be breaking his heart. My fault for letting it get to this stage really, I should have controlled the situation better.

Settling after being with someone for years, having kids and other ties, and generally overlooking his annoying habits, well, that's one thing. But that relationship would have started (normally) from a postion of love, all encompassing love, and lust. That really should be there at the beginning, in my opinion. Not mills and boon but if you have to ask others what they think, it really isn't the one for you.

You would just know you couldn;t let him go. If you picture him with another woman, looking happy, are you jealous?

I think if you have niggles at the beginning it is not a good sign - and having a relationship with someone because they are really into you is not a reason to have a relationship.

I know the 'in love' thing does not last and we all compromise in many and varied ways throughout a relationship but really if you niggle at the beginning then I think something is wrong - it is wrong because otherwise you would not have posted here.

It is very hard to dump someone who has done nothing wrong and who does everything right but really this seems a bit dodgy to me.

For the record, I married someone lovely like this and ignored my niggles and it went tres pear shaped and he is now a monster!!!!!!Clearly for whatever reason he is also poor in the decision making department which also does not bode well for a long term stable relationship. I think you will find if you hang on in there you will be calling all the shots and having to make the decisions (which is ok in theory but actually is very tiring in reality)

Bail, I wish I had

Sounds as though you think that he is good for you which is a good thing. But how do you really feel about him? Is there any passion at all? At least a little?

May be you need to give yourself and him time to work out what you feel and really want?

And for the record, your son will recover as long as you handle it well, he will handle it well. He sees the world through your eyes and a happy mummy is a happy home. You should not compromise yourself to give your son a father figure. My children got to know a couple of men I dated, one of whom remains a friend the other not but they have NOT been damaged by this.

Perfumed, if I picture him with another woman...I think there would still be a tinge of jealousy there, and the haunting doubt - what if I've made a mistake?

And I know it's another 'not very good reason' to stay with him, but I had 5 years on my own bringing up my ds. I do appreciate the companionship and also the support with ds, and just not being alone any more which is a daunting aspect.

You are right woolmindy, it's extremely difficult to dump someone who has done nothing wrong, loves & cares for you and your ds and would be heartbroken by the split. I think he has purposely tried so hard in this relationship to make sure there is no reason to dump him. Thanks - appreciate hearing your experience re kids - but do your dc's already have a dad? I think that's why this means so much more to ds as he has no contact with his father. I looked at his school work recently, and there were all these happy drawings of the 3 of us...I know it's not a reason to be with someone, but when it's your dc...and it's their happiness....bloody hell, it almost is good enough reason.

TDada - I must admit - there was never a huge amount of passion from my end, I've never really fancied the arse off him.

There's your problem then, whethergirl. If you've never fancied the arse off him, you never will - and that goes the same with the love thing. You can't force it, it's either there or it's not. Don't settle.

This has all come to a head because he has sensed something. He stayed the wkd and on his way home today, text to say he was worried about how I felt about him, and urged that if I have fallen out of love with him then to please say, as he wants me to be happy not sad. He says he feels he is bringing himself down and he hates himself for it. He says it is his fault if my feelings have changed. Last words to me before he left were "Sorry I fucked up". We didn't have an arguement or anything, he could just sense it.

The thought of another break up is just so sickening and also another 'not very good reason' to not want to end things

Really SerendipitousHarlot? But surely the fancying thing wears off anyway? I'm not single, in my 20's and convinced there is a Mr Right out there for me anymore. I'm a mother, in my late 30's and just wanting some stability. But I guess this is what happens when you settle - the doubts just don't go away.

Of course it wears off - but you should at least have it in the beginning! The fancying part is massively important, to me anyway.

I separated from exh ready to steer clear for a good long while - but it didn't happen like that and I met someone that takes my breath away. I don't believe in The One, but I think you owe it to yourself to be happy. Life's too short for wasting time. 'Scuse all the cliches

You're right, it is important. But I've also been in a relationship where there was a lot of fancying, only to get completely fucked over...

Happy to hear about your situation though. And my dp doesn't "take my breath away" - but I do his, and that's why he doesn't want to lose me. I just wish I felt the same way about him as he does about me. I do remember my mum saying though, to be with someone who loves you more than you love them, that way you won't get heartbroken!

But it's all about the risk, isn't it??? You have to put yourself out there with the possibility of being fucked over. It's all about the passion.

I can completely understand that you don't want to hurt him, of course, but you're allowed to be happy too If you're content in the relationship without the passion, and it being a bit one-sided, then it's all good.

But you're not, are you?

To get through the inevitable troughs & trials of a long-term relationship, it must be underpinned by love, respect and affection. You are lacking the middle one of those and possibly the first.

I'd venture to say the financial cock-up indicates a lack of genuine respect on his part, too.

no, you aren't in love with him. he is just comfortable and convenient for you. do teh right thing for both of you and tell him how it is.

He txt you today and asked you straight out - give him a straight answer. If you don't feel as though you love him enough , say so.

If he wants to beat himself up, you're going to have to be tough. I can't put my finger on it but I see something mildly manipulative in what he txt you...

Regarding what he said about him being at fault - make clear to him he isn't but don't be tempted to stay with him to prove this.

GraceAway - it's very hard to respect someone who has little respect for themselves. Affection is there. Love is hard to measure and it's never quite pure is it?

Turkey - I will be honest with him, as much as it will devastate him. He is happy to take the blame for everything, and personally I think that is an issue he has and needs to sort out. Funny what you said about being manipulative, I also have the sense of there being manipulation behind his grand gestures of love, for example....

He told me once that if it hadn't been for me to help him through his depression, he would have topped himself. And one time, my ds slipped up and called him "dad" which he was over the moon about. He jokingly said "Ha you can't split up with me now he's called me dad!". Meant to be a joke but think there's a bit of truth behind it.

He text me again just now and I'm in peices. I've just tried to call 3 friends to talk and can't get hold of any of them.

He basically says he has been here before and my distant behaviour towards him is very familiar. He says he never thought it'd turn out like this because he thought we were forever. He says he doesn't blame me and not angry with me, just cross with himself for loosing the most amazing woman he has ever met.

What am I doing? Apart from failing at yet another relationship, and hurting a lovely man and even worse, my ds at the same time? I keep thinking maybe it's me, maybe I just can't do relationships? Maybe I should just keep trying with him, how can I turn away someone who loves me so much, has so patience and understanding for me, and would never do anything to hurt me?

But you can't have a relationship with someone just because he wouldn't hurt you... that's like saying you may as well stay with someone because they don't hit you, and it could be worse! It's settling. And what you've written up there says to me that he is actually quite manipulative.

I know you don't want to hurt him, and you're trying to be kind, but you're allowed to be happy too.

You're absoloutely right. But why am I feeling so upset if this is the right thing to do? Surely I should be feeling more relieved? And I know it's not about my ds but honestly, he has been so happy, he kept asking for group family hugs bless him, that's the bit thats really killing me.

He text again to say "Don't worry, this is all my fault. I can't make you love me. Always there for you." Not sure why he thinks it's his fault.

In a way he's made him self indispensable. I really don't think I'm going to find a man who is going to be as good as he is with ds, and loving and caring towards me.

I really don't think I'm going to find a man who is going to be as good That's a huge warning flag, wethergirl. Why don't you believe you can land a man who is kind & loving in an uncomplicated way?

I think this low self-worth of yours is combining with his insecurities, creating a sort of emotional hothouse. I'd love to think you could reply to him that you've realised you need to do some more work on yourself before getting into a close relationship!

If time goes on and you meet him again later, from a more secure standpoint, then perhaps you'll be able to assess whether he's what you WANT or you were just tempted to "settle for".

Because there doesn't seem to be that many of them about! I see qualities in him I don't see in a lot of men, not only in my life but friend's lives too. Didn't think I had low self worth...I guess I know I have a lot to offer, but at the same time, I know I have my faults & difficulties like everyone else. I'm nowhere near perfect and so don't expect my dp to be either.

I'm willing to be wrong :)

But I still think "settling for" is the road to disaster ...