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Original poster

is it sensible to date a man with "issues"

51 replies

Lorelei57 · 12/12/2010 20:02

I've just met someone who I know probably isn't long-term relationship material. He has too many issues - an emotionally abusive childhood which he mentions frequently, he seems insecure about a lot of things and has admitted he finds it very hard to trust people.

I like him a lot though and I don't want to fix him. We have a great deal in common and he seems decent enough and with solid values. I'm divorced and old enough to know there are no happy endings. I'm not looking to re-marry or share my life with anyone (although I don't completely rule these things out), rather I'd like to find a companion/friend who I can slowly get to know and spend quality time with (that includes sex but I don't want to rush it). He thinks I'm pretty special and I know he's looking for something long-term. I know too that he senses correctly that I have reservations about him. I'd like to continue seeing him and just let things develop if they're meant to. I'm concerned though that this might be unfair on him and I really don't want to hurt him.

Should I be absolutely clear with him about how I feel?

OP posts:
ohdearyme11 · 12/12/2010 20:03

Why would it be unfair on him?

KalokiMallow · 12/12/2010 20:11

Sounds like you are just taking it slowly, and seeing what happens. So I don't think there is anything unfair about it.

In all honesty, your approach is probably much better for him if he has trust issues. If you really are worried then just let him know that you want to take things slowly and enjoy getting to know him.

Original poster
Lorelei57 · 12/12/2010 20:12

I suppose because he's made it clear that he wants something long-term and I'm not sure if I do, and especially with him. Maybe I'm over-thinking?

OP posts:
KalokiMallow · 12/12/2010 20:13

Also, wrt to your title. It probably isn't, but it can work. Grin If you are both happy right now then don't rule it out, you might find the issues are outweighed by the good stuff. And if they aren't then you can walk away knowing that you tried and had a good time before they started affecting things.

KalokiMallow · 12/12/2010 20:15

I'd tell him that you like him and want to see where it goes without putting pressure on the relationship by putting expectations on it. He may struggle a little, but at least you'll know early on if he's going to be too much for you to deal with. I really hope things go well for you both.

ohdearyme11 · 12/12/2010 20:18

Why especially with him, because he had an emotionally abusive childhood?

If he had not have told you this how would you feel then?

I had a shit childhood. Would hate to be written off for it as it was not something that was under my control. I appreciate he could have issues with what happened to him as a child, but who hasn't!

spikeycow · 12/12/2010 20:18

No way. He's telling you he can't trust people and was abused. What does that mean? I'd take that as a warning

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 12/12/2010 20:19

The thing is, issues like his are incredibly common. Many many people experienced some sort of abuse in childhood. Lots and lots of people experience some sort of mental ill health in their lives. Most people have some sort of past.

All adults come with some degree of baggage.

Just take it slowly and see how it goes.

KalokiMallow · 12/12/2010 20:19

What does it mean spikey?

Original poster
Lorelei57 · 12/12/2010 20:19

Thank you Kaloki. I've said something along those lines and he has seemed to struggle - he seems to want it to happen too quickly. I've had whirlwinds and don't want another for good reason.

OP posts:
KalokiMallow · 12/12/2010 20:25

All you can do is reassure him that you are enjoying his company. Once he gets to know you better, and learns to trust you, it'll get easier.

ps. my DH has similar issues. It is hard, I wont lie to you, it can definitely be worth it though. Enjoy yourself :)

QueenGigantaurofMnet · 12/12/2010 20:27

then help him get the help he obviously needs to deal with the former abuse. ut don't enter into anything that will just compound his issues.

yes. be very clear with him that this is not something you are considering as a relationship

EatingAngelPie · 12/12/2010 20:32

is it possible to find a man without issues of some kind?

didldidi · 12/12/2010 20:32

if you've just met him and he's already talking about it frequently i would be put off

Lizzabadger · 12/12/2010 20:38

I think just trust your instincts on whether it's a good idea to date him or not. And I'd be upfront about just wanting to see how things go and not necessarily wanting anything long-term.

Original poster
Lorelei57 · 12/12/2010 20:43

Thank you for all your messages and different opinions. It's not just what he's told me about his childhood really, he seems to get easily wound up and can be rather sarcastic. But combined with that he has a very interesting way of looking at things which is very much in tune with my own.

My eyes are wide open at the moment - I suppose I'm just concerned that I'll get in too deep without evaluating him properly. Kaloki, what was it like when you first me your DH?

OP posts:
KalokiMallow · 12/12/2010 21:18

Turbulent lol.

It was hard, there were a lot of misunderstandings. But the good times outweighed the bad. Still do.

tribpot · 12/12/2010 21:27

I think it'd be fair to try and be as clear as you can that you are simply dating and not looking for anything more. It feels a bit weird that he's being so open, so early in a relationship, if that's not for you it's better all round if he knows so sooner rather than later.

Original poster
Lorelei57 · 12/12/2010 22:19

That's good to hear Kaloki. We've already had a major misunderstanding which lead to me telling him I couldn't see him anymore. He was so disappointed and we met up again and talked about it, which led me to understand a bit more about him.

And tribpot his openness does make me wary, if only because I've been with other men before who've been incredibly open early on and they've ended up disappointing me. When all's said and done, if he's happy to take it really slowly while we get to know eachother, I'll give it a go. Proper dating, in the good, old-fashioned sense.

OP posts:
kissingfrogs · 12/12/2010 22:45

You've got the warnings, he's telling you himself. Don't take the risk, don't be fooled into thinking you can help. The cost can be too high.

Run like the wind.

(from a woman who met a man like this, who didn't listen, who took the risk, who thought she could help, who paid a high price emotionally)

Original poster
Lorelei57 · 12/12/2010 22:53

I don't want to fix him or help him kissing, maybe in my younger days I would have done that but not now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorelei57 · 12/12/2010 22:53

and sorry it didn't work out for you....

OP posts:
KalokiMallow · 12/12/2010 23:20

Lorelei what it really comes down to is, are you enjoying your time with him? If you are then keep doing it, if you aren't then don't. There is potential for it to go tits up, but that's the same with all relationships. Issues or not. At least you have some warning of what is likely to crop up.

Original poster
Lorelei57 · 13/12/2010 07:52

Yes, I'm enjoying his company a lot Kaloki. And I'm hoping that if I don't allow myself to get madly infatuated too soon (a habit of mine) by having sex too soon etc, I'll be able to keep a cooler head and evaluate things better. Thanks so much for your advice.

OP posts:
GettinganIcyGrip · 13/12/2010 09:33

Don't want to put a damper on things, but be careful that he is not just mirroring you with his way of looking at things.

Little warning bells are going off for me.

  1. The sympathy hook....he had a terrble childhood.

  2. He can be sarcastic

  3. He wants more than you very soon

  4. You have already had a 'major misunderstanding' ...was it a misunderstanding? Or something else?

  5. He has already told you he has issues....not on its own a warning but combined with other bells.

  6. You seem to be in tune mentally....is he morroring your personality back to you?

  7. He is easily wound up....by what?

Just my two-pence-worth....for what it's worth.

Very wise not to sleep with him.

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