is it sensible to date a man with "issues"

[Lorelei57]

I've just met someone who I know probably isn't long-term relationship material. He has too many issues - an emotionally abusive childhood which he mentions frequently, he seems insecure about a lot of things and has admitted he finds it very hard to trust people.

I like him a lot though and I don't want to fix him. We have a great deal in common and he seems decent enough and with solid values. I'm divorced and old enough to know there are no happy endings. I'm not looking to re-marry or share my life with anyone (although I don't completely rule these things out), rather I'd like to find a companion/friend who I can slowly get to know and spend quality time with (that includes sex but I don't want to rush it). He thinks I'm pretty special and I know he's looking for something long-term. I know too that he senses correctly that I have reservations about him. I'd like to continue seeing him and just let things develop if they're meant to. I'm concerned though that this might be unfair on him and I really don't want to hurt him.

Should I be absolutely clear with him about how I feel?

There are so many people in the world, I'll never understand for hte life of me why someone wants to start a relationship with someone who's fucked up and not really interested in working on it, tbh.

I mean, do you think so little of yourself you think that's the best you can do or deserve?

Are you a masochist?

Life is hard enough without getting involved with someone who sounds like such hard work from the get go.

Is he getting any outside help? If not then I'd get out now. Been there and it didn't end pretty.

Plenty of people overcome a horrible childhood and emerge amazingly strong, compassionate and wise. But there are also those who goe on and on about their 'damage' and use it as an excuse to get away with being an ar$e. I guess it's a case of working out whether your new friend is stronger than his past or vice versa.

You can do better than this. He sounds like hard work, which when the novelty wears off will be pretty shit. But you will be hooked by then, and you were warned.....

I've been there too and it is not good. In my experience, people like this turn hurt to anger and it makes trying to walk away very difficult.

Don't ignore the red flags and have a clear idea what you want and need from a realtionship.

How long have you been together op?

The sarcasm would ring major bells for me too tbh.

Curious - we've only had four dates so far, we've been meeting up about once a week. And I intend to keep it at that for the forseeable. I don't have much spare time anyway what with working, being a single parent, making time for friends/family etc. I only want a part-time relationship anyway and that's why I'm considering this.

I'm not a masochist Expat! Why wouldn't I want to spend a bit of time with an interesting and attractive guy even if he is a bit of amjor loon? And please tell me where all the sane, decent guys are who are interested in me - haven't met one yet in all my 50 something years....(oops, perhaps it's me

Inviting loons into your life for company and possible sex, is bonkers. Even if they are attractive. It is a dangerous game to play.

If you are in your 50s, I assume he is too. What other baggage is he carrying? Is he a loon with a mad ex, and stroppy teenagers, or has he never been in a serious relationship?

To be honest, a sarcastic handsome man in his fifties, talking about childhood abuse that he has not come to terms with, would ring major alarm bells with me. Especially if I am a single mum....

Sometimes women are their own worst enemies.

He's late 40s, never married, several longish relationships. Has never wanted children, hence not considered marriage necessary.

Maybe I am being naive, but he reminds me very much of my dear brother, who really is a major loon, but a deeply kind and decent guy. Perhaps there's something wrong with me, that attracts me to fruitcakes...Anyway I'm not even sure how much of a one he is yet and that's why I'm taking it slow.

If he's that old and still hasn't dealt wiht the childhood abuse, to the extent that he mentions it to someone he hardly knows, I really don't tihnk it is worth the hassle.

You only want a part time relationship, so don't have it with a man who doesn't want the same.

There Are plenty of other men out there who would have dealt with their baggage by that age.

There's nothing qrong with you apart from the need to feel special in the eyes of someone else. Everyone likes to be wanted, but tread carefully with this one.

Agree totally with expat also. She knows what she is talking about.

'Why wouldn't I want to spend a bit of time with an interesting and attractive guy even if he is a bit of amjor loon?'

He's in his late 40s and hasn't shown an interest in dealing with his serious issues. Why is that? Because he likes who he is. People do what works, and this is working for him.

What Quint said.

I know this is a bit cliched, as it's often trotted out here, but it is a useful tool... reverse the gender.

If a man were writing of a woman with issues, childhood abuse, etc, would we write "Inviting loons into your life ... is bonkers"?

It makes sense with any relationship to tread carefully, take your time, etc, and this man might not be right for you, but please be kind and decent.

RL yes I'd say the same no matter what the sex of the OP although hope I didn't call him bonkers as am a great supporter of people with mental health issues. If you have children you need to be extra vigilant who you invite into your life. I've been there so know what the outcome can be.

If this man isn't getting help for his problems then he shouldn't be putting them on others especially someone he doesn't know so well.

I have a female friend who is like this and wouldn't wish her on any man. She knows my thoughts and I try to encourage her to get help but she doesn't. she offloads onto any man she can (anyone who'll listen tbh) She has someone interested in her at the moment and has been giving him some late night drunken phone calls so we'll see how long it lasts? They ususally disappear or use her. She's 49 and no nearer learning.

'If a man were writing of a woman with issues, childhood abuse, etc, would we write "Inviting loons into your life ... is bonkers"?'

Yes, yes, I would.

This is a person who's nearly 50-years-old and uses his/her childhood and issues as an excuse. 'Well, I'm a loon. Love me or leave me.'

Such people can be very attractive when you're both idealistic youngsters.

But in someone that old it's a bit pathetic.

I think by late 40's... yeah. If he's still banging on about his childhood and hasn't at least started the process of laying it to rest, that's a warning sign. Perhaps better as a friend than as a partner or boyfriend. Instincts are also important, so whatever you do - don't ignore yours. You're clearly worried enough to post about it, which says something.

Thanks, this is all food for thought. Actually I was thinking that he might be better as a friend CheerfulV. But can you be friends with someone you find attractive? And if a friendship does develop can it grow into something else?

I don't really think he just wants to be my friend anyway - heck is this just getting too complicated?

It's good that you're questioning though L57 as a lot of women just go into it without a thought.

What the heck has gender got to do with it Rita? If someone exhibits the behaviours that this PERSON is exhibiting, at their age, with a new date, then the advice is exactly the same for either gender.

And I would be interested to hear about the misunderstanding.

I wonder if you find him attractive because he's a bit unconventional, a bit off-the-wall. Maybe you're wondering just how far off the wall he is incase he's too much. Your posts show that you are being circumspect and cautious so you've definitely got your thinking head on. Thing is, it IS hard not to get sort of infatuated with such a "character". You're going to have to put the breaks on and befriend but keep somewhat distanced so that you can view him objectively.

Do you know people who know him? What sort of friendships and reputation does he have? Could be useful signposts.

And please do tell what the misunderstanding was!

Kissing, yes you're right, I have always found unconventional men attractive and he is definitely very different. The misunderstanding? Actually I don't think it was one - I was giving him the benefit of the doubt when he didn't deserve it.

I'm meeting him again later in the week and will definitely try and observe his behaviour and also draw him out without being obvious. Try and ask some general questions and be pretty quiet about myself. If I can be arsed that is.... thanks again for taking in an interest in my "issue", I'll let you know how I get on.

Good luck with that [fmile] But really shouldn't you be at the relaxed stage right now? Not really having to worry about the relationship? Hope it all goes well though either way?

I suffered from the same curse - finding the unconventional so attractive. Facinating, exciting, different. I put that in the past tense because after my last experience I think any "quirky" behaviour would now set all the alarm bells ringing - just in case there's more than meets the eye.

I repeat again about his reputation (broadly speaking) amongst his acquaintainces. If there's a fair bit of bad press about him then you must bear it in mind.

Do keep us up to date!