m,i,l,

[bunnies]

Has anyone got any advice on how to handle the M.I.L.
My situation is this, my husband died recently and I never have seen eye to eye with his mother, she blames me for his death!! She has not had regular access with our children, maybe six times last year. She is now asking for regular access to both children, but one child one saturday and one child another! She has not spoken to me since his death and point blank told me she did not want to speak to me again (a few days after his death this happened) She has written to my children on various occassions but my elder boy has not responded, and i have not forced the issue. On one visit my son had with her, he came back and asked me "exactly who is responsible for my dads death!"
Does anyone no of any grandparent being award visitation through the court and if so how much? Does anyone have any input for me.

Oh goodness, what a horrible situation!

I don't have any real solutions or knowledge, just wanted to sympathise.

How old are your kids?

Hm a very difficult situation, i feel for you.
We had a very similar situation in our family when an uncle died.
The situation got very heated and very nasty and lasted for many years with solicitors involved.
Is there any one who is neutral within the family who could organise with you and your MIl mutually convenient visiting for a short time.
Some one who could discuss with her the unhealthy nature of her discussing the details of your husbands death with a child?

bunnies
sorry no real advice but my sympathies

how old are your children?

i would not want to stop a relationship with a relative, but i certainly would be concerned about "unsupervised" visition if that relative was telling porky pies about things which have happened in the past

can you say "you can spend as much time as you want with my children if you visit our house?"

if she really wants to see them then, she can

if her motivation is just to pit them against you regarding your late husband, then she probably wont take you up on her offer

just a thought - hope you get some good advice here

sounds like they should have little to do with someone like that. Talk about trying to split a family up. One child one Saturday and one child the other! Can you just ignore her? Think I would be inclined to move and not let her know where to if possible as she just sounds like she is going to be constant trouble. So sorry you are having to deal with such a person after such a loss. Life must be bad enough already and yes some could say the same for her but to want to split up the children like that, what reason can there be and how disruptive for the children and you.

i dont know anyone personally, but my solicitor said a grandparent first has to apply to court for permission to apply for contact. if permission is granted, grandparents are usually awarded one teatime visit a month or so. obviously, this depends on circumstances.

i would not allow the kids to visit separately, unless one wants to and one doesnt and i wouldnt force them to go.

if you think it will benefit them to see her and they want to see her, try to sort it out between yourselves. you will keep control of the situation then. could you suggest she comes round for a coffee so you can supervise the visit? if you dont think she can be trusted to keep her evil thoughts to herself i would tell her she isnt seeing them. i would also make sure i read any letters before they were passed on (although not sure if that applies to older kids). they need you more than they need her.

how awful, I personally think the reason she wants to see them seperatly is so she can 'work' on them individually and get them indivually on her 'side' where as together it probably would be a lot harder for her.

on ur behalf thou of such things shes tellin ur children. could you mention to her it's unacceptable what she is talking to them about?

I would absolutely disagree with the advice to stop her seeing them altogether.
Unless she consistently continues to be a disruptive and distressing influence on the children.
To look at from another angle, she has lost her child, her only link to that son is through his children.
She will be suffering feelings of grief ,anger and lord knows what else. She is likely to be going through the normal stages of grief. How she chooses to display these feelings is her beef.
However, i am not negating the fact that she is forcing this on both you and your children Bunnies and that is not acceptable.
Is there any way around this at all?

Hey many thanks for your input, many of these I have considered. In my MIL letter to me from her lawyer she states that we are having difficulties arranging a convient time to see the children, this is absolutely not true as in nearly 9 months she has not asked me (or spoken to me)about it. I have had a letter sent back to her saying that she can continue to the children either by making arrangements with SIL (whom has nothing to do with the kids or me) as she had collected them before, or MIL should contact me direct. I am more for the contact me direct and then I can make my arrangements, but what if i suggest she comes to the house and then she turns it down, have i fulfilled my part of the bargin!! My boys are 9 and 3. Prior to my husband dying we were actual separated and my boys had not seen him for over 6 months, this has been hard for all of us, cause we had not really decided if we wanted to be completed separated! now dont have much choice.
MIL had not had much to do with her son and they did not have a close relationship. My 3 year old barely new him and the 9 year old obviously has many good and bad memories. My 3 year old has only met MIL 3 times, one of those time i was present and she hardly acknowledged him. I therefore fail to see that she can offer any think to my boys that myself and my side of the family are already doing.
Thoughts please

bunnies - don't give your power away

I would write to her lawyer, and send a copy to her also, saying that she is more than welcome to visit with her grandchildren in your home, at mutually convenient times, arranged directly between yourselves

And supervise each visit

Perhaps when you get more comfortable with each other you can adjust the arrangements

Why does she blame you? That seems quite irrational, but then again, grief and anger is never rational is it!

I see your point and agree that it is difficult continuing a relationship that wasnt there in the first place.
She seems to have decided that she now wants to see your children but on her own terms. While this is unnaceptable there must be a middle ground.
You mention a sister in law who is not conected and who can remain impartial.
Why not put some days down that are convenient to you, maybe one afternoon a month for starters and ask your sil to discuss this with your mil. If you are uncomfortable talking to the woman.
Meet on neutral ground, at a park or some thing so that you can be there and at least have some control over the kids time with her.
This way, you are making an effort, she cant then pull you down for not trying.
This addittionally puts the ball in her court.
Ultimately though, it is your boys well bieng that is of utmost importance. They have lost a faather, while that may be difficult now, in future it may become a huge problem and how you solve that will depend on what ground work you put in now.
Does this make sense?
Im only speaking from bitter experience, trying to warn you of the awful pitfalls that we experienced in our situation.

do you have a lowyer? perhaps you should seek legal advice on this? doesn't have to go to court, but maybe you could do with some official advice to let you know exactly where you stand

im mostly with donbean on this one. your boys may find having contact with their dads side of the family is a huge help to them, regardless of whether or not him and mil got along. however 3 is definately too young to be left with a stranger (and whether she likes it or not, thats what she is to him). not sure about your older ds, thats probably a matter for you and him to decide. i would still be against her seeing them separately tho. park is a good idea cos then you dont have to be on top of each other completely. you can sit and read a mag while she runs round after them.

if it does go to court and you have been reasonable she will have a very hard time arguing her case. it is reasonable for you to invite her to your house, it is reasonable for you to be there during the visits. courts make decisions based mostly on common sense.

My MIL blames me cause i was not with him when he died and she thinks he died all alone, but i know different.
I am sure that if i propose that she comes to my house to visit the children she will decline it, I feel sure that she doesnt want to be anywhere near me, which is fine, but she wants to see the children she will have to bit her tongue a little. My life with her son was full of arguing, i have no intention of having it continue with her.
Both my boys seem happy enough with all that is happening in their lifes. I work full time and rely on a childminder throughout the week to help with the boys, saturday mornings is shopping, saturday afternoon my boys see their other granny sunday morning is footy matches, and then sunday afternoon is relaxing time for me and boys together. How can she fit into our life?
MIL nos nothing about us, she doesnt even know i am working,as she wont speak.
she will make our future miserable

gigglinggoblin
many thanks for that, i do feel that her actions are leaving me no in control of my parental responsibilities.
My elder boy needs consistancy, his father continued to let him down all through his little life, saying he would be back on such a date and turning up 3 weeks later!!! never phoning when he was away etc etc. how can i make mil see what a rogue he was! as you say that was her son! her son left my boy in a hotel room in a foreign country on his own, while he went out with is his girlfriend!!!! my life was not good, and now i have the chance to have a good life.

if she makes the boys miserable, they wont want to see her and i dont think a judge will make them.

if you have offered her visiting time and she declines you will be seen as being reasonable by the court. make sure you get her response in writing and keep it to present it as evidence. i think you need to offer her a visit tho, then you can say its not your fault she hasnt seen them. could you offer her half an hour at your house on a weeknight? i would say that is plenty for a woman they dont know. if she behaves she could build up a relationship from there. if not, thats not your fault. from what you say she will probably say no anyway, but at least then you have proof that you tried.

is your childminder understanding enough to let her have half an hour at her house with her supervising?

i wouldnt bother arguing about her son, it wont help anyone, least of all the boys. if she wants to believe he was perfect, let her. it wont make any difference. just tell her you are not going to discuss it and if she continues to upset you and your children she will no longer be welcome. sometimes its better to let go of things

I hesitate to give advice because I'm worried that things could backfire later on but my gut feeling is that you should only contact her through a solicitor.

Tell her that if she wants contact she will have to come to yours as the children barely know her, and then see what she says. If she wants a proper loving and respectful relationship with them she will agree to this. If she has another agenda in mind she will no doubt try to cause you more trouble and you will know that at least you tried.

gigglinggoblin

maybe the childminder bit would be an idea.
I have had my lawyer write to her saying she has to either telephone me or contact me to make arrangements, or the SIL can. So far I have had no word from anyone. for 9 months she has not contact me, she has telephoned my house and on occassions been able to speak to either me, just to ask if she can speak with the 9 year or she has managed to get him direct cause he answered the phone. One time he came off the phone and accused me of not passing on the letters she had sent, then strangly letter arrived the next day! yes i vet the letters first but on all occassions i have passed them on to him, and on many occassions i find the stuffed down the side of the sofa or in the BIN!!

Good luck with this hun, be strong and carry on with your life, you sound like you are doing a grand job in very difficult times.

echo donbean, you sound like you are really trying with her. good luck & well done for being so much better than her. at least your boys have you x

There was a programme on BBC one last night on this very subject, and although I had sympathy for the Grandmothers, the one being featured on the show, her son had died and since then she had had no contact with her grandchildren, my sympathy lessened when she made a comment about DNA which kind of implied the grandchildren might not be her son's..... but she'd been to court several times and had yet to win visitation to the children, so I would agree with the others get legal advise, but it looks like you may have the law on your side, and if you can prove your MIL is being destructive and trying to undermine your relationship with your children that can't work in her favour.

MIL has also implied that the youngst isnt hers, and she also implied when we announce that I was expecting the first child 9 years ago, that she new there was a reason we had married quickly!! this in fact was not true i fell pregnant 3 months after we were married on a dirty weekend in Amsterdam!!!

I don't see why you should allow an enemy into your family.

If this woman wants to see your children, she's going to have to behave herself and pretend not to be your enemy. You can't possibly have your authority undermined by some old bat who badmouths you to your children. Especially as unlike with parents, the law doesn't force you to tolerate this from her.

I'd write a very carefully worded letter (one you'd be willing for a judge to see) suggesting that while you'd be delighted for your children to continue to have contact with their father's family, that can only be on the basis of mutual respect and civility, as hostility and undermining is the last thing your children need now.

I have had my lawyer write to her offering her the chance to make contact with me so we can arrange the chance for her to see the children, but i feel that once i say she can visit them at my house initially it will be a no go from her point of view.

If she tries to go to court all i can say is all she had to do was ask, cause she has never asked, i have never refused her, on the three occassions last year where SIL asked me, via an email, all was arranged.

I fail to see what MIL problem is, maybe she is scared that if she has to speak to me she may find out some home truths about her son she wished she had never heard!!

For those of you who gave your input to my m.i.l. problem i have an update and would appreciate any further comments/advice.
I have heard that M.i.l wont be taking up my offer of visiting the children at my house, as she express she will feel 'uncomfortable'! but will continue to speak to the children via the telephone!
My 31/2 year old is not going to know who she is, and the old one has given up asking when he will see her!
My fear is that she will speak to the older one and invite him to see her and then he will ask to go? this is not acceptable.
Anythoughts on what i should do?