This can't be right, surely?

[AllWrong]

DP announced that night that despite the fact that he loves me, and that I love him, he thinks we should break up.

He is going through some mental health issues, as a result of a pretty lousy childhood. I have also been stressed/depressed with work, then unemployment, and now trying to find a way back into work.

His reasoning is that he needs to learn to not be dependent on anyone, and he needs to be on his own for a bit, as some kind of test almost.

I have practically begged him on numerous occasions to go to the doctor and talk to them honestly about what's going on in his head. But, despite admitting that he has currently lost the ability to know what's going on around him, he is refusing to go on the grounds that they couldn't help him.

Frankly I think the idea of ditching the one person you trust, at a time when you're at your most vulnerable, is not going to help. Sounds to me like typical "depressive thinking", as he thinks I would be better off without him, and apparently if I knew what he was really like I'd run a mile anyway :(

Any advice/experiences from those who have been through a similar experience themselves? Or from living with a depressed/otherwise "fucked up" (his words) partner?

(name-changer btw)

yikes. Sorry, not sure I have any advice but wanted you to know I also have a partner with depression/anxiety.

I feel very powerless because he won't talk to me about it much and hardly ever takes his meds. Then will reach breaking point, he'll get super stressed and then I'll get to hear about it.

But tbh there is probably not much you can do about his choices and action, you can probably only control how you respond to his actions.

Also, and this is just a theory, but it is possible that he is looking for an 'out' and that the 'time to himself' is just a cowardly excuse.

I'm feeling for you though. Sounds awful...

Blimey :( Sounds like you're both going through the mill!

I agree that "You don't know how horrible I am" is a common depressive point of view - it's also, often enough, the truth. I'm going to have to trust your judgement that, in your case, it's the illness talking.

I'm a bit confused by this: He is going through some mental health issues, as a result of a pretty lousy childhood - how come this is happening without counselling? He's quite right that he shouldn't be dumping all his issues on you, but he should be discussing them with a professional.

Sounds like you could do with some counselling, as well.

Thanks Anabelle, means a lot that someone replied to that jumbled up OP.

I thought that too, about an "out", but I honestly don't think it is that. He just keeps saying that he doesn't know what's going on. Sounds like he might be a bit paranoid too. He certainly has massive trust ishoos - but then why break up with the only person you trust?

Sounds to me like he has a bit of a cycle going, and he really really really needs to go and get some professional help. He is dosing himself (occasionally) with some ADs he was prescribed a couple of years back but never took. This sounds like a really bad idea in itself.

I don't know, I am sitting here shaking. I just want to help him, but at the same time he is breaking my heart :(

Hi Grace

I do bear in mind the "when they tell you who you are..." thing, but it doesn't ring true for me that he is a horrible person. If anything, he reminds me of my friend who had OCD and had lots of repeating negative thoughts "put into" her head IYSWIM. He is lovely and kind to children, animals, old ladies, and me usually.

He had some NHS counselling a while back, but by his own account didn't tell the doctor/counsellor the full story. Can't post details of his background in case he ever finds this, but he was abandoned by his mother as a toddler, and suffered physical abuse from other adults in his life.

Am I just making a fool of myself? Should I just go? We have loads of lovely plans for the next couple of weeks and I can't believe they're not going to happen now. Stupid I know.

"When they tell you who they are..." does apply here, I think.

But what he's telling you isn't "I'm a hoorible person", that's just what he's saying.

What he's telling you is what you're telling us: that he's horribly mixed up and not able to make good decisions.

What you should do from here, I can't reslly advise as I don't know enough about MH problems.

A few thoughts

1 is there any kind of helpline you can phone up that can give you advice? The random self-medicating with ADs would worry me too

2 look after yourself. I know you love him and want to help him, but remember the first rule of lifesaving = don't get pulled under by a drowning man. You're no good to anyone if you don't keep yourself safe. That might mean working out some boundaries so you can deal with your own broken heart :(

Firstly, you are NOT making a fool of yourself. If you are really really worried about him I would recommend calling a professional mental health service. Hopefully it's not that bad... but don't be afraid to call a community response team or something like that if he starts acting in a way that scares you. (I live in NZ so don't know what you have over there) :-)

Is he still talking about the plans over the next couple of weeks? If he is that's good, so he hasn't given up on the future.

I'm also wondering and sorry if this is upsetting but has he ever been suicidal? The holidays are a hard time for people who have mental health issues and can be very lonely.

Perhaps you could suggest he sticks it out with you for the holidays and then if he still wants to be alone you'll support him to separate for a while.

x

:)

Thanks. It must be very sad for you to observe. Also, I don't see how he's going to get past this when he won't take his own health seriously - antidepressants don't work on a one-off basis and, clearly, there are issues with abandonment and insecurity that are impossible to deal with by an 'effort of will'. Have I bored you with my motorway analogy yet?

Your brain actually develops neural pathways - they are the folds you can see in pictures - for all the thought patterns you use regularly. So if, as a child, you learned that people will hurt you (for example), you will have developed fear-based responses that have formed a strong pathway in your brain. It is possible to change these pathways: they smooth over with disuse, and we are always creating new ones. The reason why counselling helps this process is that your own brain only knows the pathways it's already got. It's like driving up the M1 - you're aware of other places away to either side, but you don't know anythig about them really. You just drive along the motorway.

A counsellor is like having someone in the car with you, who can say "There's a beautiful place over there, take the next exit and I'll give you directions" :)

I don't know if that will help DH take a more constructive view of things?? Has he ever tried reading any books about family relationships or depression?

Thanks spidookly, that's a good perspective on things. He is horribly mixed up. And he is refusing to even look for any help. He thinks he can heal himself - I'm pretty sure that that's not going to work, and in fact he is running away from having to go back to counselling and do it properly, confronting what happened to him as a kid.

Anabelle - I'm sorry I forgot to say, thanks for posting about your DP. It sounds really hard.

He's never been suicidal and he always says he never would be - he loves being alive really, even if he hates himself atm.

WRT plans - I did say "we won't be doing X thing then?" and he got really upset and said he wanted to do it. He doesn't want me to actually go IYSWIM. But he wants to be alone at the same time.

Was thinking of some kind of halfway house situation like you suggest.

That's a great analogy Grace, thank you.

"So if, as a child, you learned that people will hurt you (for example), you will have developed fear-based responses that have formed a strong pathway in your brain." - you know him then?

He is always waiting to be hurt and disappointed by the people around him, it's bloody horrible.

He needs counselling, I know that. He hit it off with his last counsellor but tbh there is so much crap that has happened to him, I don't think they scratched the surface. But now he thinks that more sessions won't help him. thinking about it, it's almost like "counselling" as an entity hasn't helped him so he's given up on that too.

He's never read any books like that AFAIK.

How do you access counselling anyway?

If he can't/won't help himself then you have to walk away. If his mental health problems are so severe that he is percieved as a danger to himself or others, then you can alert the professionals on his behalf, but otherwise if he wants to leave, let him go and prioritize yourself and DC.
No matter how awful someone's childhood was, it doesn;t entitled them to a free pass the rest of their lives to pass the pain along. It;s not your fault he had a lousy childhod and you can't fix him.

I know, SGB. He's not a danger to himself or others. (no DC involved btw)

That's basically what he's saying, that he doesn't want to make my life a misery.

But actually, he is doing that by breaking up with me. I can't fix him but I want to hold his hand while he fixes himself. :(

As you're so aware and articulate, you could try going to the GP together, to request new meds and a psychology referral. It might be useful for DH to hear what you say in a detached setting, as well.

I imagine you know the truth of what SGB says. If your only future together revolves around you trying to help him with his issues, it will bring you down and make raising a healthy family impossible. If he won't go along with getting proper help, despite your best efforts, you may have to let him go. A temporary separation might be what's needed for both of you to clarify your thoughts, as Anabelle suggested.

I will suggest that to him, about the GP.

It's infuriating that on the one hand he barely knows which way is up. But on the other he is so damn sure that nothing/no-one can help him.

He just wants to shut himself off from everyone. :(

Might suggest a one or two month temporary separation after Christmas. I have recently moved cities to be with him as well, it sucks. :(

Thanks for calling me aware and articulate feel like a sniffly headachey desperate idiot.

How do you access counselling? It sounds wonderful. Isn't it very expensive?

I really feel for you. My DH has mental health issues now, which thankfully have been addressed. However I remember the year period when they were at their peak as the worst in our lives. Awful for me but so much worse for him.
He was haunted for so long. He wanted to fix himself as well with my help. Of course he couldn't do it. I had to convince him to get counselling. It was so difficult but in the end my DH did it for me more than anything because he could see that the realtionship would breakdown if he didn't. Counselling was a revelation, it helped him so much.
If your Dh would rather split than get counselling then I really don't know what to suggest. Could you ask him to try everything before resorting to splitting? Can you say you will do it his way once he has tried your way first? Go to Gp, get meds (if neccessary), go to counselling? I went with my Dh to GP first and it helped him I think. Get him to agree that splitting should ba a last resort and then work through the other options first?
You are right though splitting up with you will be the worst thing for him and he may well get a lot worse. But it may be all you can do ultimatly, for your own sake if not his.

I don't know what it is like in UK but you can get a referral through your GP. Believe you may get it free there? Here it was pricey alright but absoloutly worth it. I would have paid 100 times the amount for the difference it has made.
Once we got a diagnosis I did a lot of research on the best type for DH's particular issue and then got the best we could afford for him. We had private health insurance too which paid some of it.

"He is dosing himself (occasionally) with some ADs he was prescribed a couple of years back but never took. This sounds like a really bad idea in itself."

It is!
In terms of AD meds, the worst possible thing to do is to take them randomly. This will cause havoc with his serotonin (happy) levels and could be causing depression, detachment, confusion, anxiety and mood swings.

They generally take four to six weeks to start working and a full six month period of taking them (routinely - to the hour!) to aid in longer term relief of depression.

Please get him to the GP, he could currently be causing himself real damage.

Detachment? Sorry, I meant to say apathy.

do you ahve DC together?

if you do, puts another perpsective on it.

if you don't then your choice really. but dont have children with him until/unless he sorts out these issues.

but if he wants to go off for a bit - let him. his choice. may be best thing for him .

if he is not taking responsibility - ie not going to GP, self medicating on Ads randomly - then he aint gonna get better.

you certainly cannot fix him. only he can. and if he wants to go off - well so be it. sad - but only he can fix himself - with or without you.

Sorry, not your responsibility to get him to GP, as cestla said, it's his x

I think it's significant that he's started doing this after you recently moved cities to be with him.

If he's got really damaged attachment patterns from early childhood, he is programmed at a very basic level to expect people he loves to abandon him. If you're in fact doing the opposite, it's not unthinkable that rather than change the expectation, he's trying to force you to fit in with it. So at the first sign of serious commitment from you, he's started trying to force you to abandon him - sort of like trying to control what he sees as inevitable. Obviously that's horrible and hurtful for you. I'm glad you are able to see it in the context of his childhood, but that doesn't make it any less painful to go through.

My DP had a horrible childhood, and did something very similar to me: the moment we seemed to be getting really close, he'd do something to push me away. It felt awful, like being stuck in someone else's nightmare - which I suppose, in a sense, I was. I stuck it out, and we're past that now. It hurt like hell, but I knew deep down he was worth it.

No two relationships are alike, though, and you'll have to decide whether you want to ride it out or not. If you do decide to ride it out, please consider how you're going to protect yourself; and please make sure he's taking responsibility for his behaviour, looking at where it comes from, and making a real effort to get past his unhappy background.

At least you don't have DC. I still say, walk away but tell him that the door is open for when he feels better. He may actually be doing a really ehtical thing, which is freeing you of the burden of nursing him through his breakdown/recovery. Because living with someone who is undergoing therapy is pretty fucking grim. Your life will become All About Him and it will drive you nuts. And TBH even if you did nobly nurse him through all his trauma, it's actually quite likely that, cured, he would sod off with another woman because he would want (and maybe even need) to make a fresh start altogether.
It is not a woman's duty to be a man's caretaker just because she's shagged him a time or two.

Wow SGB I find that a little bit harsh and has not been my experience at all. Yes for a period in our life my DH needed a lot more support than I did, but then there have been times that I have needed it more than him. It was tough but also liberating and full of relief as we started to find answers and see improvements. It didn't drive me nuts I was glad to find the man I married again beneath all the trauma and horrer of the terrible disorder he was fighting. Would you say all these things to someone whose partner was trying to fight cancer?
I also think it is a huge leap to suggest he will run off with another woman once cured, and actually find the suggestion that a woman helping her partner through a tough time will ultimatly be jilted hurtful and untrue (in my circumstances anyway).

Blimey SGB you've gone a bit far on this one!