This can't be right, surely?

[AllWrong]

DP announced that night that despite the fact that he loves me, and that I love him, he thinks we should break up.

He is going through some mental health issues, as a result of a pretty lousy childhood. I have also been stressed/depressed with work, then unemployment, and now trying to find a way back into work.

His reasoning is that he needs to learn to not be dependent on anyone, and he needs to be on his own for a bit, as some kind of test almost.

I have practically begged him on numerous occasions to go to the doctor and talk to them honestly about what's going on in his head. But, despite admitting that he has currently lost the ability to know what's going on around him, he is refusing to go on the grounds that they couldn't help him.

Frankly I think the idea of ditching the one person you trust, at a time when you're at your most vulnerable, is not going to help. Sounds to me like typical "depressive thinking", as he thinks I would be better off without him, and apparently if I knew what he was really like I'd run a mile anyway :(

Any advice/experiences from those who have been through a similar experience themselves? Or from living with a depressed/otherwise "fucked up" (his words) partner?

(name-changer btw)

BF: IN the OP's case this is a newish relationship; better to get out while you still can. I have seen too many women wreck their own lives by insisting that they can 'fix' a fucked up man even when the man is actually displaying reluctance to be fixed by them or anyone.
It isn't the same as a longstanding partner, close friend or family member suddenly becoming seriously ill.

Well I agree with you in principal on the women taking up with and trying to fix a fucked up man I am not sure that is what is going on here.
I certainly wasn't under the impression that this was a new relationship, I know she has moved with him somewhere but I thought they had been together for a while before this move. It also seems to me that there has been a recent escalation of symptons which is what happened with my DH. It had been there for years but he was able to hide it well until it escalated out of control.
Even if it is new I still don't know if get out now is neccessarily right. Would you advice it to someone who found out the person they were seeing had a serious physical diease?
All the above assumes a person who is willing to get help. On the displaying reluctance to be fixed we are in agreement. As I said in my first post, if there is nothing you can do to persuade him to get help you will have to get out for your own sake, because in those circumstances the only way is down.

Thanks so much to everyone who's replied. BlueFergie - it was good to hear your story and that you got through it all alright. It is incredibly hard to watch, so must be bloody awful to go through. I think he has agreed to go to the doctor on Monday now.

Turkey - I knew I was right about the ADs, that's hardly going to help is it, FFS. :(

He seems to be totally zombied out about everything else in life atm, but when it comes to knowing what will help his mental state out, he's so sure it's occasional pill-taking and denial all the way.

Pottonista - thanks for that extremely helpful insight, I put this idea to him this evening and he agreed there could be something in it.

SGB - I do appreciate your advice, it is a possibility that he is right, that we should split now, or even that he would want to start afresh after counselling. Sure I don't want it to happen, but it's good to prepare myself for the worst. It's been a few years btw, he recently got a job in another city and I have followed him here.

I agree re: futility of trying to fix a fucked up man. The thing about DP is that he is actually a really good partner. He thinks he is being "really awful" to me atm and it's things like, not giving me enough hugs and being off sex sometimes. Not nice, but still perfectly within the sphere of normality. If I didn't know how lovely he is usually, I wouldn't even think there was anything wrong.

And I know I can't fix him, I just want him to try to fix himself rather than chucking our relationship in the bin for no gain.

AW: OK I had the impression that it was a relatively new relationship and now I see that it isn't, and you have experience of him being a good partner.
My advice in this case would still be to let him go if that's what he wants to do (it may not be his MH issues, he may simply want to end the relationship, which is something everyone has a right to do). Definitely don't get PG while all this sort of thing is going on, and if you feel able to stick with him for a while do take care of yourself and remember that no matter how mental or unhappy he is, that doesn't entitle him to abuse you.
WHen you say you 'followed' him to his new job, though, did he ask you to? Or were you the motivator for that?

AW - I am so pleased he has agreed to go to the GP. This is a massive step forward. I agree with pretty much everything SGB said above. However I don't think you need to be too worried about abuse. From everything you have said your partner is fundamentally decenet man who is battling a horrible disease. There has been no suggestion he is or could be abusive. The belief that mental health and abusive behaviour go hand in hand is inaccurate and a contributor to the stigmatisation of those who suffer with mental health issues.

I was exactly where your DP is now a year and a half ago. I was abused as a child and in reality I had been suffering from low-level manageable depression for a long time, probably about 7 years, without realising it. Last year due to huge stress and uncertainty it flared up into major depression and I was a complete wreck.

At the time I told my DH I wanted a divorce and tried various ways of pushing him away. A large part of depression is feeling utterly utterly worthless and this is what led me to do these things. I honestly felt I was just a burden and that DH would be better off without me. I couldn't bring myself to smile and be affectionate, I went off sex and became useless around the house. Because of all these things I felt I was a terrible wife and that DH shouldn't have to put up with me. I was suggesting divorce as a way of helping him rather than because of what I actually wanted myself.

Luckily my DH understands depression and knew that it was the illness talking rather than me. He hung in there, encouraged me to go and get anti-depressants and counselling, and basically took care of me in every way possible until I was able to think straight again. After about 4 months of taking anti-ds the clouds had cleared a lot and I could see how irrational my thinking had been. I could also see that because of the abuse I had severe trust issues and I felt it was safer to push people I love away rather than to wait for them to hurt me. It sounds very much like this is what's going on with your DP.

The good news is that now I am better than I've ever been. It was bloody hard but the anti-d's got me through while I dealt with a lot of the shit that had been weighing me down for so long. I know I'm vulnerable to depression and could get it again in the future but I know that I recognise the signs now and my DH will be there to point them out to me if I fail to recognise them.

Depression is a horrible illness that really fucks up your thinking. I said some proper crazy things to my DH when I was depressed which luckily he ignored. I know it's terribly hard for you but there is the possibility of a good outcome as long as your DP gets help. It might be worth sitting him down and explaining all this to him and being quite forceful with him. Strangely enough it quite helped when my DH told me I was basically not making sense and that I was coming across as quite mad. That was something of a relief because it meant that I knew the shit was in my head rather than real and it wasn't so scary after that. My DH took over my life for a short while, making even simple decisions for me and that gave me the head space to climb out of the hole I was in.

If you'd like any more advice on all this I'll be happy to try to help.

AW, how are things this evening ?

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Hello

Sorry for abandoning the thread, I was away this weekend on a planned trip to see an old friend and haven't had enough time on the laptop to put things down properly.

A lot of things have changed over the past few days. Spending time with my friend (without DP) was amazing and she has helped me no end. Ironically the threat of breaking up with DP has done me some good, in that I've realised what great friends I still have, a couple of them have been so supportive and kind and offered to put me up etc. It's been quite overwhelming really, I'm usually quite private and don't like to "spill" to my friends. (Just MN )

Returning from my friend's house I felt quite calm and optimistic compared to when I left on Saturday. Basically I told DP that I had said everything that I had to say: that I think he needs to get help, that I will help him in any way I can, and that I think our relationship is too important and wonderful to throw away (given that we still love each other) just like that. I pointed out that the ball is in his court really. He was a bit freaked out by my transformation from shaky tearball to calm collected goddess woman overnight.

I have realised that I have twisted myself out of shape somewhat trying to be with someone who is not really "with it", and have been trying to not do those things any more. For example, last night I went to meet a friend, meaning that I was out when DP came home from work. Usually I would phone to let him know where I was and when I would be back, but he hardly ever does this, so I decided to stop being his mother and let him ring me up if and when he got home and wondered where I was. He quite often works late or meets up with friends after work without letting me know, so I wasn't being petty, just taking a step back and laying off the "girlfriend" behaviour IYSWIM.

Got home and he accused me of being "standoffish". At the same time, he told me he had phoned the doctor, which absolutely astonished me given that he hasn't done so in the last 4 months or so that he has been feeling "crazy". I told him that I was still there, and ready to be supportive, but given that he had broken up with me on Thursday I was waiting for him to take the initiative for how things were going to be between us.

It turns out that he has changed his mind, from Thursday's position of wanting us to break up, and not wanting to get help, to Monday's of not wanting us to break up, and wanting to get help. :) He has now got to the stage of apologising for hurting me, for wanting to break us up, and thanking me for not letting him do it.

We are still going to have some time apart over Christmas, which will be quite easy as I will go back to my parents and he to his family.

So it's all very confusing and difficult, but hopefully back on the right track now.

Writer - thanks SO much for your story, it's awful what something like depression can do to your head and to your life. So glad you are able to keep things on a more even keel now. Your DH sounds lovely too.

I hope he follows through with the doc appt and stops self-medicating

Nice to know, AW, that you have distanced yourself emotionally somewhat from his confusion. It was obviously "catching" in that he was in danger of dragging you both down.

Just make sure you don't continue to find yourself in the role of whipping boy, the one who gets told you are surplus to requirements and pushed out "beacuse he doesn't like himself"

Incidentally, did you ask him if there was a particular incident or thought process that led him to believe that you would truly hate him if he revealed it ?

I would want to know what that is, tbh

Good idea to spend time apart over Xmas, if only for you to get some emotional investment in the bank, in case this epiphany he has had fades away to nought...

I think you did exactly the right thing OP. DH used this matter-of-fact approach with me, basically calling me on the mad shit that I was spouting, telling me I wasn't making sense and that I'd better start sorting things out, and it really did the trick for me. It let me know that it was ok to be a bit loopy for a while but that he wouldn't put up with me trying to push him away, that he was there for the long haul whether I believed him or not and that I had to do something about the depression as soon as possible. I know it took a lot of strength on his part (as I'm sure it did for you) not to get angry and to fight back. If he had fought back it would have done no good, because basically I wasn't rational at all. His approach was to let me know that I wasn't well and that he'd take care of me, but that I'd have to contribute to the process of getting better. When I think back to some of the things I said to him I feel awful I have apologised profusely but he just says that he knows it wasn't intentional and that what bothered him was the not the threats of divorce and the insults but the fact that I was suffering so much. Bless him. I have made it up to him in the meantime