Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i love a monster.......

41 replies

armani · 10/12/2010 00:55

...... thats it basically. he treats me as if he hates me, but to him its nouthing. its ok to call me 'a fat fucking slob', because obviusly to him i am.

its ok to watch me struggle with the dcs (3 under 5)whilst he watches tv. its ok to sleep and watch tv whilst im up to 1 in the morning trying to get the house work done. but our house is still a 'shit hole'.

i know he is no good for me or our family, but why do i love him? why do i love someone who quite obviously thinks im dirt and doesnt have respect for me?

Sorry if i sound like i am rambling. just i am worn out and cant take any more.

OP posts:
blinks · 10/12/2010 01:02

by staying with him you're sending a message that it's ok for him to speak to you like that/treat you this way.

you can't change people, love.

Original poster
armani · 10/12/2010 01:06

i know i cant change him. 6 years of living with him has taught me that.

i just feel like im stuck in a trap and his behaviour is almost my normality now.

OP posts:
BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 10/12/2010 01:07

Is he asleep now? Could you ring women's aid? The number is 0808 2000 247

Original poster
armani · 10/12/2010 01:09

yes he is asleep now. dont feel safe discussing it with him in the house :(

OP posts:
BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 10/12/2010 01:09

Not that you shouldn't talk here - if you want to - we're here and will listen :)

Maybe you allow him to treat you like this because you don't have much respect for yourself? It must be hard to have any respect for yourself when someone keeps saying these things to you. But that doesn't mean you couldn't get it back.

tallwivglasses · 10/12/2010 01:09

It's sending a pretty negative message to your kids too.

I think you love the idea of him - the person you think he was (and still could be?)

But he's not that person. He calls you a 'fat fucking slob' ffs.

Who's he, lazing on the sofa, watching TV? Johnny fucking Depp?

piprabbit · 10/12/2010 01:13

What is it about him that you find lovable?

Because I'm finding it hard from your OP to imagine what it could be.

Original poster
armani · 10/12/2010 01:16

thankyou bertie :)

i am feeling fragile atm have not been able to get my anti depressants from doctors, so not had them for 2 weeks and am feeling emtionally and physically shattered.

i just cant understand why he can not care or want to help me. he says he loves me and wants me, so why does he do this?

i only asked him if he could pick up some of dcs toys from living room whilst i clean the kitchen and he erupts into a rage.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 10/12/2010 01:34

Oh, armani, if he loved you he'd pick up the toys, smile, give you a hug and not erupt into a rage.

Get your meds sorted, and while you're there ask for some counselling, please x

believeyourtruth · 10/12/2010 06:59

Does he drink often?

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 10/12/2010 07:16

I am in health care and yesterday I saw two young women who came in separately for their anti-depressants. Both admitted they took them because it helped them live with someone who treated them badly. I was very queasy about issuing drugs that medicate a bad relationship. Neither woman wanted to address the problem at the moment.

This is wrong, just like the house wives of the past that took Valium to cope with shitty lives.

Love is an action word, not a feeling. Watch his actions. They are telling you his real view of you. You are being treated like a domestic appliance and you deserve better.

Rant over. Sorry you are having a tough time. You deserve better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2010 07:34

armani

Why do you love him?.

That may be because you saw and learnt such damaging relationship patterns as a child. Maybe your father acted in a similar manner towards your mother.

This person acts like this partly because he can. I reckon too you would not need the anti d's if he were gone from your home. You'd all be a lot happier without him.

You need counselling for your own self and Womens Aid can help you plan for a safer future. Please use their services asap. You are in an abusive relationship and no-one benefits from being in one of those. The longer you remain within this the harder it will be for you to actually leave him because he will have ground you down completely by then. You still have some fight left because you posted here.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Think about this too. What were you like before you had the misfortune to meet this individual. He is btw not worthy of the term "man".

Your 3 and 5 year old are learning damaging relationship patterns from you both, lessons that they could well take into adulthood and their own relationships. Your 3 and 5 year old could well copy their Dad's behaviour and call you the same foul names, that is no legacy to leave thse children is it?.

You are in a hole, you can get out of this hole.

spidookly · 10/12/2010 07:37

You don't love him. What you describe has nothing, nothing to do with love, on either side.

Why do you think it means anything that he says he loves you when he clearly doesn't? Why do you persist in believing you love him while he is detroying you?

Counselling might help you deal with that.

Ring WA the next time he is out of the house. They can help to make you and your children safe from this man.

Hint: none of you is safe at the moment

GraceAwayInAManger · 10/12/2010 08:38

Another prompt to ring Womens Aid, get your meds and ask the doctor for a counselling referral, armani. You sound stretched to the absolute limit!

I'd imagine the answer to your question goes something like - You fell in love with him when he was acting nice and then, being a good person, you gave him the benefit of the doubt and lots of second chances as he started to reveal his agenda. Then you got used to it :( It's kind of a conditioning process. After a while, your feelings of love and pain get all mixed up, which is where abusers want you to be - it puts you on the back foot; you're never sure what's happening.

Worryingly, your children will be learning that this is how life is lived. The cycle of abuse is a dramatic emotional roller-coaster - people living in it never get the chance to develop properly, or learn how to nurture a relationship.

There IS help and you DO DESERVE help! Make a start today, for your own sake and the kids' :)

pointissima · 10/12/2010 09:56

The worrying bit is that you "don't feel safe".

Feeling afraid of someone is completely incompatible with loving them. You do not love him, you just feel afraid of not having him.

I am usually firmly in the "you should work it out for the sake of the children" camp; but in this case, you should definitely get out before it gets worse. You are clearly expecting violence. Violence is always unaceptable and, as other posters have said, you run the risk of setting a pattern for your children.

Notevenamouse · 10/12/2010 10:00

Ring womens aid today, get out please. Imagine waking up in a world where no one calls you names or decides how your life is run except for you. It is not as hard to get away as it is to live the way you do now.

StuffingGoldBrass · 10/12/2010 10:05

You think you 'love' this piece of shit because when you were younger, someone taught you that 'love' for women, means suffering and submission. Whether your dad beat your mum or someone abused you in your childhood or adolescence, you've been conditioned to believe that your life is about pleasing a man and if you can only be good enough, he will stop mistreating you.
He won't, because he enjoys mistreating you. He's a bad person.
YOu can get away from him or have him removed from the house. THere is lots of help out there, please reach out for it.

GypsyMoth · 10/12/2010 10:09

i could have written your op 6 years ago.....

listen to what everyone is saying,there IS an alternative. womens aid will help

i was in a refuge with 4 dc....it worked out,better than i could have hoped for actually

Notevenamouse · 10/12/2010 10:15

I lived in a refuge for a while as a child. I remeber it as the happiest time of my childhood. The relief was huge.

Notevenamouse · 10/12/2010 10:15

*remember

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 10/12/2010 10:15

Agree with Stuffing. Most men are not like this. This one is a monster. You can have a better, happier, safe life. Please get some help.

BlueFergie · 10/12/2010 10:23

There is no good in this relationship for you or your children. You say yourself he is a monstor. You sound beaten and ground down.
You are unhappy and scared. This man has no respect for you or the family you have created. He hates you. This is his fault not yours.
This will not get better. This is your life and your chilldrens life unless you change it. if you leave it any longer it will be too late for you kids, they will be dameged by what they see. Please you need to get out. Have you family you can go to? If not contact Womens Aid. Get counselling so you can understand why you think you love this scumbag.
There is help in real life and on here please use it.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/12/2010 11:13

He's not a monster. Actually he's something worse. A monster can't help being monstrous. A nasty man has chosen to be nasty. Even if he didn't love you he could treat you with courtesy if he wanted. He deserves no pity and no affection.

This "love" you are feeling is just a habit. You have a lot of love to give, but you need to stop wasting it on someone who doesn't appreciate or reciprocate.

Original poster
armani · 10/12/2010 13:38

yes i am scared and i no it has to stop. i want us to get away from this, but i am scared. i left him this time last year, took my dcs and rented a flat. but he found us and said sorry and he would change. i know now this is not true.

i am sat here in tears after another one of his episodes. he spat in my face. he is in the bath now hopefully he will calm down before he gets out.

i seem to be living for our time when he is at work. i hate it when he comes home and i hate that he is my childrens father. i feel stupid.

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 10/12/2010 13:46

You are not stupid. This man has manipulated and undermined you. It is not your fault. You are a good person who has been taken advantage of.
You have done this before so you know you can do it again. And this time you will not listen to his lies. Get out. Get help from Womens Aid or your family, but go now as soon as you can because he is destroying you piece by piece.
Spit in your face? No decent man would treat an animal like that never mond his wife. He is a contemptable excuse for a human being.

Swipe left for the next trending thread