emotional abuse - what, if any "treatment": can help?

[QwertyQueen]

OK,
I don't want to into the whole thing right not but DH is emotionally abusive to me and, now, DS.
The usual Jekyll/Hyde thing - so charming when things good - complete monster when not. Not in the sense of hitting although he can be intimidating but it is more the words, and the damage they do.
Last night he crossed a line in that he said things to DS that are unacceptable and, frankly, possibly damaging to DS in terms of self esteem and guilt.
So DH disappeared last night in a rage as I didn't back him up and I told him I would never back up behaviour like that. Hasn't been home.
Last time he was away a few days.
When he returned he accepted he has a problem and agreed to counselling.
This time... well, I am not sure if he will return... I am not sure I should encourage him to. But I am pregnant so I guess I should be open to it if he is still willing to try and sort himself out. Not sure I can get over it though.

Anyway, my question is:
what treatment(s) would be best for him, assuming he is still willing to try. I have heard couples counselling doesn't work.
Any ideas where to start?
Any success stories out there?
I think he does love me, although as a rational person I can't accept someone would treat someone they love this way.
Really confused and not sure which way to turn
TIA

Many thanks for your kind words gracie. I was hoping qwerty would come back as I don't like the feeling of talking on someone elses thread. But I just need to say something about what you said gracie.

I don't feel what I am doing is brave. I think the women on here who have been through childhood abuse must be incredibly brave to cope with being so badly treated by a parent or step parent. I mean coping in the broadest sense - recognising you need help and getting therapy is a very strong coping strategy.

But I feel patient and compassionate and most of all I love my DH. I don't stay with him in a long suffering way! I'm afraid I have my eye on the back door - when things were bad 10 months ago I pragmatically took several steps to help me should I ever need to leave him. I have my own savings account, I 'prepared' my brother that me and DH might not always be together, I keep my own life and health strong through good social networks, regular exercise and I keep myself psychologically strong by working.

I am also learning to state boundaries. He knows if there is ever violence to any of us, we are finished and I will never give a second chance on that, ever. I call him now on each comment which I percieve to be belittling, sarcastic or critical. I have to remind him to praise the kids because he was never ever praised himself as a child.

But my eye being on the back door is because I am not blindly trusting of this process, I am being realistic in that he may not be able to change far enough for my liking. But in my view, he deserves the chance to change himself. I realise I'm a 'rescuer' my mum told me I always was as a child - I used to collect up any sad, bullied kids in school and bring them home to mend. That possibly shows low self esteem on my part as I want to be needed so perhaps this is me acting out my script. I don't know but I'm deep in the thick of it now.

Hi Ladies, I've just been reading through your posts and thought you'd like to know about the Programme that was mentioned.
It's free and brilliant!

My name is Rachel, I facilitate The Freedom Programme in
Dartford. You are all welcome to come along to learn more about Abusive and
Controlling behaviour, how to recognise it.

To help women understand the beliefs held by abusive men and in
so doing, recognise which of these beliefs they have shared

To illustrate the effects of domestic violence on children

To assist women to recognise potential future abusers, Mr Wrong
or Mr Right. Click here to find out more(Link to Mr Right/Wrong)

To help women gain self-esteem and the confidence to improve the
quality of their lives

To introduce women to community resources such as Women's Aid,
the Police Domestic Violence Unit, The Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre, local
Colleges etc.

Anyone interested please contact North Kent Women's Aid on 01322
384792 or look on www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
to find venues in your area.