Affairs - are the theories/rules different if the cheater is not married?

[orangepoo]

I have read quite a bit about affairs on here, particularly having been on the receiving end of one myself.

Someone I know has decided to leave his parter of 10 years because he is having an affair with a work colleague. The couple who have been together 10 years have a 2yo.

The question is...does everything, like the statistics, rules etc apply in exactly the way to this situation?? The only difference is that the couple never married, but have joint mortgage, child, been together a decade etc. I have read things like 80% of those divorcing in the wake on an affair will later regret doing so. I wonder if this would be true for this guy?

Forget rules and statistics. We are talking about feelings here.

I know masses of divorced people and none of them have any regrets apart from having made a massive mistake in their choice of partner first time round!

Agree with Bonsoir that the feelings may not matter, the rules are different, though.
All the couple will have to do is arrange child care and maintenance for child and go through formal procedure of disentangling themselves from any joint assets - tasks that are big in themselves!
But, other than that, there is no formal procedure they have to go through to separate as, legally, they are just two people who have chosen to live under same roof for 10 years.
She will not be entitled to maintenance, or any lump sum from him or vice versa.

I'm just so worried for him that he's going to regret walking out on his partner and 2yo. My initial feeling was that he would be likely to regret it, perhaps I am wrong.

Of course she will be entitled to maintenance for the child, married or not.

Honestly, if people really did regret divorcing, we'd know about it as there would be more remarriages. But remarriages are very rare indeed.

Mostly people regret hanging on in there for far too long, as far as I can work out. They are generally just relieved when a dead relationship is over and they can move on with their lives.

I think I may have posted an unclear OP.

I wasn't really thinking about the division of assets/child maintenance aspect of it, I was thinking just about it being a mistake and wondering if the statistic type things apply - have read that first 2 years of child's life can wreak havoc with relationship so (in the absence of abuse) it is usually better see if things improve if the child is 2 or under?

I should imagine that a two-year-old child does not understand the notion of marriage and all it knows is that mummy and daddy are together one minute and not the next.
I don't know as such, but if I had to guess I'd say that the impact on child was same-regardless of parents marital status.

Orangepoo statistically (and there have been hundreds of surveys conducted) relationships that start out as an affair have a very low survival rate.

Bonsoir implies that since few divorced couples in her experience re-marry one another, this suggests that the one who exited the relationship had no regrets. I don't have any statistical evidence on such re-marriages, but I absolutely wouldn't reach the same conclusion. What I can say is that I have known lots of people who left for an affair, had bitter regrets thereafter, but by that time, the spouse they left had moved on and so the choice to re-marry wasn't there any longer, for the regretful spouse.

In feelings terms, I don't think it matters whether your friends were married or not. They had a long cohabiting relationship and became parents. You are absolutely right that the first 2 years of a child's life puts a strain on most relationships and this is a common flashpoint for affairs.

Back to the notion of regrets, there are always exceptions to the statistics. Some people made a bad choice first time around, some have "exit affairs" that serve a purpose, but end when that purpose has been achieved and some people endure enormous regret when they realise that the person they left for, wasn't all s/he was cracked up to be.

Relationships that start from deceit have a low survival rate because trust is instantly an issue. Both parties know by now, what were the supposed justifications for their affair e.g. "I was quite happy, but I couldn't resist you", "I was unhappy and the baby took over our lives" etc. So they know that whatever the justification for the affair, they are now vulnerable to the same thing happening. In your friend's case, the OW will no doubt have to think very hard about having children with a man who has form for walking out on a 2-year old.

That is interesting WWIFN. Particularly the part about relationships that start from deceit. He is only leaving his partner because of the OW so statistically it would seem that he will be leaving his partner and 2yo for nothing. He is denying his partner the opportunity to rebuild their relationship for one reason only - the OW. I am sure that the problems in the relationship only arose once the OW was on the scene anyway.

Well, i have been asked and not really provided an opinion, but if asked again, I will try to put this tactfully.

I think that people that are left by partners for others desperately want to believe that their exP's new relationship is going to be a mistake. They are understandably in denial to preserve their own feelings - the truth may, however, be elsewhere.

It sounds like you are related in some way through friendship/relative to the man in this case and really don't want him to do what he is doing, is that correct op?

why do you want to know- it sounds as if you have a vested interest?

The only stats I know are those that say 2nd marriages are much more likely to fail than firsts.

Presumably the same applies to c-habiting though it would be harder to get stas for that.

And I think OW/OM are in desperate denial that it can never happen to them Bonsoir

This is because so many people in their situation buy the prevention myth, which is that if someone is happy at home, s/he will not have an affair and leave for that partner. Hence the OW/OM believe that infidelity is purely relational and could have been prevented if the first spouse had been kinder, sexier etc. and displayed all the qualities that OW in particular, try desperately hard to keep going in the new relationship.

But infidelity is never exclusively relational in cause and like every other couple relationship, there will be times when the going gets rough in the new relationship too. A new partnership formed on the basis of the prevention myth is never going to work, because the whole concept is flawed right from the start.

From the prevention myth, comes the belief too that people have affairs and leave because they weren't "getting enough" from the marriage. The reverse is true in fact and affairs happen when someone isn't "giving enough" and stops investing in their marriage.

Now some people in this position wise up and conclude that leaving a bad marriage via an infidelity route was a lousy way of expressing dissatisfaction. While they might not regret their new relationship, they would never endorse infidelity and if the same problems arose again in the new relationship (as they will, inevitably at some stage) they would deal with it differently next time. The second relationship stands a much better chance of success here, because the parties have realised that there can never be an argument for deceit and lies. However people who continue to believe the prevention myth and believe that infidelity is acceptable in some circumstances, have already given themselves permission to do it again.

I am sure you're right orangepoo and that the problems in this relationship were caused by the affair and the man's inability to be grown-up and realise that the early parenting years are hard work. As they will be again if he has children with the OW, of course. I wonder what his excuse next time will be?

I don't really want him to do what he is doing, no, but perhaps I am projecting my own situation onto him - DH cheated when my kids were 3 and 1 so I know what this guy's partner feels like and what a horrible mistake he might be making walking away when his child is so small and life is still so pressured.

No vested interest at all. Just think it's really sad.

My brother left his first wife (no children involved) to be with his OW, now his second wife, they have been married for 26 years.

His first wife happened to be a neurotic, controlling and thoroughly unpleasant woman and although his affair was wrong, he definitely made the right decision in leaving her, his second wife is a nice and decent person and they are very happy.

The reasons for the failure of an affair relationship surely depends on the reasons for the affair in the first place.

Gosh if his first wife was so awful Mal and there were no children involved, why didn't your brother leave her before?

I have no idea WWIFN, I was only 17 at the time it all happened.
Nowadays it would be called an abusive relationship I suspect - his first wife isolated him from the family and dominated him completely, she really was horrendous.
I remember that she used to bath in dettol and used to make him do the same.

WWIFN - you seem to have a lot of difficulty with the idea that people leave relationships for OW/OM because they were unhappy with their first partner and are happier with their new partner. Why is that? All partners are not equal, you know .

Bonsoir, I read that op would like some answers rather than having a problem!

I have read that many (maybe even the majority? I forget) divorcees do regret their divorce. Though I'm sure this does not include the divorced partners of anyone on this thread!

Ah Bonsoir if you read my posts, you will see that I have no difficulty with that concept at all .

I said in my first post on this thread, sometimes people leave because they made a bad choice first time around. This would encompass Mal's brother's first marriage, after all.

I do have difficulty with a belief that infidelity, deceit and lying are ever justifiable behaviours and observe that people who think that these behaviours are justifiable, are more likely to do it again.

My Dad left my Mum, after everything settled down, years later he told her and us how he regretted divorcing her.

I think Ive read that only 10% of affairs lead to marriage/long term relationships. These are then subject to the usual failure rate of second marriages which I think may be 70% but lets say 50%.

Therefore only 5% of affairs lead to long term together relationships.

Therefore for me most affairs are very damaging specially to children. And the success rate is very low.

So the likelihood of your friends new relationship working out is very low.

I have to admit I would feel hugely uncomfortable if my DH had been married to someone before and left her because of her supposed failings. Particularly if they had kids.

One of my friends is married to such a man. I'm dying to ask him if Wife#1 is so awful, why the fuck did he marry her, and have kids with her?