Affairs - are the theories/rules different if the cheater is not married?

[orangepoo]

I have read quite a bit about affairs on here, particularly having been on the receiving end of one myself.

Someone I know has decided to leave his parter of 10 years because he is having an affair with a work colleague. The couple who have been together 10 years have a 2yo.

The question is...does everything, like the statistics, rules etc apply in exactly the way to this situation?? The only difference is that the couple never married, but have joint mortgage, child, been together a decade etc. I have read things like 80% of those divorcing in the wake on an affair will later regret doing so. I wonder if this would be true for this guy?

Oooh, I've just thought of a remarriage I know, BIL's parents.
His dad left to be with another woman and his mum divorced him, he came back after about 5 years and they remarried and have been together about 15-20 years I think.

He's a vile little man though, bullying and arrogant, god knows what possessed her to take him back, but then she's not very nice either - they're a bit co-dependant I feel.

Iwouldnot.., what if she was abusive / controlling and/or barking?

Some people just don't realise what a fruitloop their partner is until it's way down the line, some don't want to know - my sister still insists she wasn't in an abusive marriage to a mysogynistic tosser for 25 years - she most definitely was.

Yes, that's fair enough Mal, but in this case it's just very vague things: she gained a few kilos after kids. He stopped finding her 'sexy'. She worked too much (although he also complained that she was lazy! )

I say I've been married twice, for convenience's sake. X#1 & I weren't married; we were together for 12 years. It ended over an affair of his. We certainly felt 'married' and the breakup was like a divorce - we didn't have kids, luckily, but all the other stuff was the same.

OW was exciting to him, in ways that he felt I'd ceased to be. I'd put on some weight and all that claptrap. They lasted 2 years, after which he wanted me back. By then I'd realised that he was a self-obsessed, abusive prat.

I don't think my story's unusual.

He sounds like a complete tool then and his new wife is probably on borrowed time as well.

That was for IWouldnot.

Oh, very true of mine as well, Mal

I have no idea if he's still with the woman he later married - if so, you & I have probably posted to her threads, going "It's not you, it's him!"

"I do have difficulty with a belief that infidelity, deceit and lying are ever justifiable behaviours."

You must live in a very simple little world.

I agree that my friend is probably on borrowed time

Unfortunately she seems to believe that it won't happen to her. Because wife #1 was AWFUL (then why did he marry her?!), and let herself get fat.

Oh how gloriously rude that last post was Bonsoir!

Fortunately, it probably didn't have the effect you intended, it just made me laugh.

OP. As some other posters have stated the statistics for relationships that start off as an affair are very bad.

However, those are just stats. and there are exceptions everywhere. We don't know the details of this guy's relationship. He could have been unhappy for years and meeting the OW was a catalyst to move on. Or he could be an immature prick who can't cope with the responsibility of being a parent. It's very hard to see from the outside and very easy to project our own experiences on to it.

It sounds to me like this is just bringing up bad memories for you and maybe you are over-feeling for his partner and mother of his child. Unfortunately we all have to make our own mistakes in life. (sorry, cliche alert!)

God, imagine living your married life in competition with the defective model that was scrapped before you. How exhausting.

Maybe that's why he married an awful woman? So wife no. 2 would behave?

In response to OP - the only possible relevance marriage could have would be if he was one of those (not uncommon) blokes who never saw his partner as "forever" and just did the house and baby things to keep her happy/shut her up while nothing better was on the horizon. Maybe now he's met a woman he actually wants to marry.

Agree with spidookly with the last sentence.
It seems to me that the opening poster has specifically asked about difference between married and unmarried, and apart from legal stuff, the only difference I can possibly think of is that the man she describes believed that marriage had special significance in life (not my view- his) and that when he was finally committed to a woman emotionally, he'd get married.
But, like a lazy idiot, he couldn't find the energy to leave his existing relationship.
Which would be 'fair enough' if they did not have a small child to consider.

If, however, he sees cohabitation as being as much as a lifelong commitment as marriage, apart from legal stuff, I wouldn't see a difference.

There is a theory called 'sliding not deciding' that describes this, which is as politically correct as the late Bernard Manning, but basically says that a man has to actively decide to make a commitment (marriage) and not 'go with the flow'.
Don't flame me. This is not my opinion. But I think it could assist opening poster with her question.

Thanks everyone. Really helpful for me to make sense of it all.

Wow, Bonsoir, I'd rather live in WWIFN's "simple little world" (which of course it isn't), than one in which it's ok to do the things you seem to think are ok.

I say this as someone 'desperately' hoping her husband will realise that a marriage, with a wife who has loved him for the last 10/15 years, with 3 young children, is worth everything compared to a relationship with a person that you are admittedly attracted to, but that is based on lies, on the transient nature of a heady rush, the excitement of illicitousness, a relationship that has never been tested, where they are both presenting fake, unsustainable versions of themselves.

I have hope that he will realise this, because the second I found out he dropped her like a hot potato and has had no contact since (5 weeks now). But his actions and instincts which tell me how much he does love me, are currently warring with his emotions, which are still caught up in the rush of it all.

You may think I am pathetic and delussioned and should accept that he wants to be with his new "love" (I have to spit that word when used in this context!). But one reason I'm not letting him go is that I KNOW he would be making the biggest mistake of his life, would lose everything, and would bitterly regret it. As is born out by most (I know not all) people's experiences.

Not sure what help that is to the OP, just needed to share/vent!

Sorry to hear that robber. I've been married to my DH a decade, have 2 young children and DH had an affair. It took him months, rather than weeks to actually realise what he had done, so I hope you can hang in there.

Thanks orangepoo, me too :)

Re the OP- how does this man's partner feel? Does she want him back and will wait for him to realise his mistake, or is the betrayal too much for her to forgive now?

Because I think that there are things you can do, as the betrayed 'spouse', to help your partner see what he is doing.

Re the OP - the woman obviously realises there are problems but thinks that it is worth giving their family a chance of staying together. The man is currently blinded by his feelings for the OW unfortunately. DH says the man is "too far gone" - it is bizarre seeing DH trying to get through to a cheating man when it was virtually impossible to get through to him at the time of his own affair!

orangepoo - but quite inspiring, to see how well he understands the mechanics of it, one hopes?

I really hope your username isn't descriptive

DS obsessed with different colour of poo . When he was ill with a D&V bug, he did some yellow poo, he can't stop talking about it despite the fact it was months ago!!

But yes, it is actually positive in a way that DH can see the situation for what it is.

Thanks for the explanation - I think