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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I wrong to ask? Then sulk?

42 replies

lotsofsex · 06/12/2010 18:08

Namechanged as a topic I wouldn't normally talk about.

I have been seeing a lovely man for about 6 months, and I know I'm in love with him. He feels the same and all is well.

We see each other usually 2 or 3 nights a week, we stay at each others homes. We have sex most times and it is fantastic.

In my marriage, sex was often a chore, my ex was very demanding and I went along with it for an easy life. I know some of you will be horrified by this but that's how it was.

My new dp has shown me what great, loving, intimate, sex can be like again. I had truely forgotten. I am enjoying it so much that I look forward to seeing him for the sex, as well as for him himself, iyswim.

When I first met dp before we slept together for the first time, on 5th date, he was totally honest and open with me. He explained that towards the end of his marriage he had experienced problems maintaining an erection. That he was always keen but something happened and it just switched off.

I took this very seriously and asked why he thought it happened and he said it was due to lack of affection and rejection from his wife. I decided to see how things went rather than run a mile at this point.

As I said we have a great sex life and I have only experienced his problem on probably three occasions in 6 months, and haven't made a big deal about it.

So here is the problem. Yesterday we had a lovely afternoon, walked, ate out for lunch and went back to his place. I was feeling very much in the mood, which seems to be constant at the moment, and asked him to come to bed. He refused saying he didn't want to and that I could go if I was tired.

I told him it wasn't to sleep, and removed myself to the other end of the sofa and sulked, like a child. I felt rejected and hurt. I never asked my ex for sex as it really wasn't necessary, so it took a lot for me to do that.

My dp said that his ex had never asked him for sex and he was a bit surprised that I had. I told him that although I didn't usually ask him outright, it was often me who initiated it. He has never refused before.

Anyway fast forward half an hour and we were in bed. He was more than keen. I asked him why he'd played hard to get when he obviously didn't have a problem and was enjoying it. He said I had put him under pressure and was afraid in case he let me down.

I do understand this but I know that I need more than him. I don't want this to spoil our relationship.

OP posts:

Malificence · 06/12/2010 18:14

We are bombarded with the message that men never turn down an offer of sex, it's a destructive thing imho.
Men are allowed to not be in the mood, feel pressured etc. just as women are.

It's not an issue unless you make it one.

gingerwig · 06/12/2010 18:15

you need to chill a bit.
AND dont sulk

CheerfulV · 06/12/2010 18:29

I know Mal, can you imagine what hell would be breaking loose on this thread if the OP was a man?
Sounds like you need to reassure him, OP, and take it easy. If he's not used to being asked, ad you're not used to asking and being turned down - well, you can see the mis-communication. But I think that's all there is. Your subsequent, uh, fun together indicates he does fancy you and want you very much :) Wouldn't worry.
(Sulking is tempting but overrated because you always feel silly afterward)

hairyfairylights · 06/12/2010 18:32

YABU. Chill out and enjoy it.

Original poster

lotsofsex · 06/12/2010 18:40

I guess this is why I posted, yes I did fell silly for sulking.

He did ask me to stay over last night but I went home, adding as I left that he would be safer as I wouldn't make demands on him. No response to that remark was given, so I suppose it didn't go down to well.

Mal, you are right. When with my ex he was constantly up for it, to the point where he pestered me and sulked!! I've never come across a man who wasn't in the mood. So probably I'm conditioned.

I think at the moment my renewed enjoyment has made me want more and often the anticipation of what could happen is enough to get me going. So poor dp hasn't a chance once we see each other, especially as it's only a couple of times a week. Maybe if we lived together it would be different.

OP posts:

chrysanthemum38 · 06/12/2010 18:49

I feel your pain. I have been with my DH for over two years, married five months and I still feel incredibly rejected if he turns down my advances.

At first I used to roll over and cry - now I have learned to smile and say it's fine, all the time dying inside.

But it does put me off initiating stuff more these days unless I am absolutely certain it will be reciprocated, as it hurts so damn much.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 06/12/2010 18:58

Maybe as well as why you reacted like this why did he. You are doing what you have experienced, now you realise that you can change it.

Also as with woman to come out and say let's have sex will sometimes get a no, why not just go and kiss Jo
so it feels more nautral than a planned let's do it.

emmyloulou · 06/12/2010 19:05

Tbh if you are going to sulk and make passive aggressive digs at him like that when you leave as punishment....

I'd expect the relationship to end sooner rather than later, his ex mark 2.

That won't help his issues, and using sex as a tool to sulk or "punish" him like that will just see you single.

I suppose it didn't go down to well, what did you expect, if you were a bloke you would have been called all sorts by now on here.

colditz · 06/12/2010 19:07

you're being a dick. Never wrong to ask, always wrong to sulk, and to make nasty digs about it is the icing on the cake.

dogfish · 06/12/2010 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nickytwotimes · 06/12/2010 19:14

you behaved really horribly to him.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 19:21

You sound really stupid, as well as unreasonable.

I suggest you examine your behaviour, before you get dumped.

Malificence · 06/12/2010 19:28

Chrysanthemum, I think you need to grow up tbh.
Unless he's constantly rejecting you or playing mind games, it's very immature and irrational.

Original poster

lotsofsex · 06/12/2010 21:28

I expected the negative comments, and the flaming, I knew I was wrong, especially adding the barbed comment at the end of the evening.

I know my faults and accept that I make mistakes.

But I originally posted with a view to gaining insight in how to handle a situation I had not been in before.

As I said, I can't help it if I'm extremely attracted to dp and want to s* him, whenever I see him. I would have thought, new relationship, lots of lust, passion, whatever you want to call it. I didn't expect a knock back after such a short time. Added to that my previous experiences with men who are always ready and willing. Maybe my judgement was clouded.

An apology should be in order now, I guess.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 21:31

Yes, but don't make it an "I am sorry but...." or "I am sorry if I upset you..." kind of apology, eh ?

Unreserved apology in order, methinks

Good luck x

Original poster

lotsofsex · 06/12/2010 21:35

Thanks AF, will speak to him later.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 21:37

let us know how it goes

he sounds lovely, btw

Original poster

lotsofsex · 06/12/2010 23:38

Spoken and apologised, no excuses, no if's or but's.

Apology accepted, and we agreed that we are still learning things about each other and are bound to have hiccups along they way.

You are right AF he sounds lovely and he is lovely, I'm very lucky to have met him.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:48

awww, I like a happy ending !

Fair play to you too, for taking our comments on the chin and taking them forward. Not everyone is big enough to do that..

chrysanthemum38 · 07/12/2010 08:28

"Chrysanthemum, I think you need to grow up tbh.
Unless he's constantly rejecting you or playing mind games, it's very immature and irrational."

Thanks for that - made me feel much better.

I know that my response is wrong, which is why I have learned to hide it.

But I can't help the way it makes me feel.

FTR one time I rejected him, after he jumped into bed naked with a great big grin, he was INCREDIBLY p-ed off and sulked for a day. The only reason I had turned him down is that I was absolutely exhausted and past the time at which we would normally have time to DTD and go to bed at a reasonable hour for work the next day. And I was very nice about it - didn't reject him in a nasty way.

But when we did eventually talk about it, he accepted that he was wrong to have been annoyed, especially as he rejects me far more than I reject him.

Sexual rejection is a sticky issue - like 'lotofsex' I wasn't used to being turned down, although unlike herI have always had a very good sexual relationshp wth my previous bfs.

DH and I only moved in together 2 months before we got married so, beforehand, it was pretty much a given that we would DTD every time we saw each other, as it was only 2 or 3 x a week. I am still getting used not doing it all the time and it still smarts when I want to and he doesn't.

I am sure eventually I will get over it.

differentnameforthis · 07/12/2010 08:47

Well, he didn't reject you as such, did he? Because within 30 minutes, you were both in bed.

Well done on taking them comments well & apologising. I guess it is easy to sulk after a rejection when that is all you really have know for some time.

It sounds like, after his experiences, that he needs to be further down the line with you before you can make little witticisms about him being safer, etc. I think that maybe touched a nerve & it was too soon. Good Luck!

And chrysanthemum38 why do you take his rejection so hard?

I can reject dh's advances now & then, but if he does me, it does hurt to a degree, but then I spent all my life being rejected (by my mother) so it isn't his rejection of sex, it is his rejection of me, as I am still affected by my childhood. But I don't sulk...and luckily, he doesn't reject much!

chrysanthemum38 · 07/12/2010 09:04

"And chrysanthemum38 why do you take his rejection so hard? "

I think it is all to do with a deep seated insecurity.

For a large portion of my life (till a few years ago) I was overweight (size 20 at my heaviest) so I had a low opinion of myself - but the one thing I could always get was sex, if I wasn't too picky.

So I think I used to see sex as some kind of indicator that I was still a worthwhile person in a man's eyes.

So if I get rejected sexually, then the one thing that is still left to me has also been rejected and I am now thoroughly worthless.
The rational part of my mind KNOWS that isn't true - I have a lot of other worthwhile accomplishments and am attractive and intelligent and loving and when my dh isn't in the mood it doesn't mean what my subconscious takes it to mean.

But I still feel that way and at first I didn't really understand why.

When you have lost a lot of weght (six stone in my case) it takes time for your mind to catch up with your body - in my head I am still the same fat insecure ugly worthless lazy girl I used to feel I was.

I have to learn to love myself again, and rejection of any kind knocks me back a few steps.

So I smile and I hide it, but the hurt is still there.

Laquitar · 07/12/2010 09:09

This thread proves that mnetters aren't man-haters.

And AF didn't say 'leave him' . She even told you off! Which proves that her feedback is always constructive.

Glad you had a happy ending.

differentnameforthis · 07/12/2010 10:06

chrysanthemum38

That's completely understandable! And yes, rejection does stay with you! I used to feel that no one could love me, because my own mother didn't, and I used to test dh lots when we first got together. Even when we moved in together, I told him I didn't love him & asked him to leave. He didn't, thankfully, as it was only me testing him. Feels horrible now tho!

I hope that you finally catch up. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship!

Acanthus · 07/12/2010 10:10

You know you did exactly what your ex used to do to you - "he pestered me and sulked!!"

So you know exactly how you felt in this situation.

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