Am I wrong to ask? Then sulk?

[lotsofsex]

Namechanged as a topic I wouldn't normally talk about.

I have been seeing a lovely man for about 6 months, and I know I'm in love with him. He feels the same and all is well.

We see each other usually 2 or 3 nights a week, we stay at each others homes. We have sex most times and it is fantastic.

In my marriage, sex was often a chore, my ex was very demanding and I went along with it for an easy life. I know some of you will be horrified by this but that's how it was.

My new dp has shown me what great, loving, intimate, sex can be like again. I had truely forgotten. I am enjoying it so much that I look forward to seeing him for the sex, as well as for him himself, iyswim.

When I first met dp before we slept together for the first time, on 5th date, he was totally honest and open with me. He explained that towards the end of his marriage he had experienced problems maintaining an erection. That he was always keen but something happened and it just switched off.

I took this very seriously and asked why he thought it happened and he said it was due to lack of affection and rejection from his wife. I decided to see how things went rather than run a mile at this point.

As I said we have a great sex life and I have only experienced his problem on probably three occasions in 6 months, and haven't made a big deal about it.

So here is the problem. Yesterday we had a lovely afternoon, walked, ate out for lunch and went back to his place. I was feeling very much in the mood, which seems to be constant at the moment, and asked him to come to bed. He refused saying he didn't want to and that I could go if I was tired.

I told him it wasn't to sleep, and removed myself to the other end of the sofa and sulked, like a child. I felt rejected and hurt. I never asked my ex for sex as it really wasn't necessary, so it took a lot for me to do that.

My dp said that his ex had never asked him for sex and he was a bit surprised that I had. I told him that although I didn't usually ask him outright, it was often me who initiated it. He has never refused before.

Anyway fast forward half an hour and we were in bed. He was more than keen. I asked him why he'd played hard to get when he obviously didn't have a problem and was enjoying it. He said I had put him under pressure and was afraid in case he let me down.

I do understand this but I know that I need more than him. I don't want this to spoil our relationship.

Oh & dh & I have been together 21 yrs & married for 16. Only just getting it that I am lovable & not everyone will reject me!

So don't worry...deep seated hurt takes time to heal!

Deep hurt is no excuse to inflict hurt or mind games on others or "testing" them, it's screwed up.

People in these kind of situations really should get counselling before setting up with a new partner and taking it out on them.

Anyway op you did well o apologis to him

emmyloulou, if that is to me, then yes...I know that now! But I was 18 at the time, fresh out of an abusive relationship with my mother (dad left us when I was 6) & had no idea what it was liked to be loved & wanted! So it wasn't 'games' to me then!

And 21 yrs ago, at 18, I had no idea that you could have counselling for what I had been through!

emmyloulou - problem is, you don't always realise you are screwed up until a new situation comes along that provokes an emotional response.

Then it's only afterwards that you look a your actions and think "Why did I do that".

Then it's what you do afterwards that matters, and to make sure you understand that your problems are your own and not your partner's.

I have a pretty good handle on my psyche - I get why I feel the way I feel and I know it's not his fault. And while I can't control my feelings, I am learning to control how much I let them show, and when I can't fully contain them I am learning to say "Yes, OK I am upset, but it really is nothing you've done - you are allowed to be tired, of course. Give me a hug and let's go to sleep!"

It took a while to get there though - and I had no way of knowing in advance that I would respond that way to his perceived rejection. I could probably do with a course of counselling - I have a few issues and when I did a course in counselling skills a few years back, the self-counselling we did on each other helped in some ways.

He is also very insecure - his wife left him and took their kids not long before we met, so when we started to get serious about each other, some very jealous and possessive behaviour came out in him, which was seriously unattractive. But we talked long and hard and he realised that it was his fear of me leaving him that made him that way, and the fact that I had a sexually promiscuous youth - he thought I would just go off with some other bloke whenever I wanted to.

But he hasn't been that way for ages.
We are both screwed up in different ways - sometimes it seems like we are trying to find each other through a fog of insecurituy and misunderstanding. But we're getting there.

DTD? What's Downtown Disney got to do with anything? (That's the only DTD I know, sorry - it's a DIBB thing).

Seriously , what's DTD in this context?

Doing The Deed i.e. sex

Not read the whole thread but OMG you are me!! this even happend to me a few weeks ago and I reacted in the same way!! I think I did a thread about his problems! I honestly think that after a long relationship blokes are surprised by how up front a new partnert can be and the fear of letting you down is the main issue! I apologised for my sulking incident but then explained how I felt rejected and what could we do about who initiates what etc!! He admitted he was quite shy until it was actually happening and we 'got down to it'- the asking almost sets him on edge! But things have got better lately and we seem to be coming out the other end. try and keep the lines of communication open and make him feel loved. My DP was very hurt by his ex partners betrayl and secret affair etc so I make him feel loved and secure which oddly seems to turn him on!! try and relax and not take it to heart- enjoy

Laquitar, perhaps we should link to this thread every time we get some silly people telling us we are "man-haters" and our response to everything is "leave him"

I think we may have just pulled a relationship back from the brink, right here !! < does a happy dance >

I have been known to sulk in the past and make mean comments when dh has turned me down but I grew up and realised that I was out of order, we talked and we are fine now.

I have been the same way in the past - so while I think you were wrong to sulk about being 'rejected', I can understand how you felt. Like someone already said, there's this stereotype that men have only one thing on their minds, are constantly up for it etc, so if ever he's not, you feel there must be something terribly wrong with the relationship or that you must be really, freakishly unattractive to have caused such an unnatural state of affairs as a man not wanting sex.

Of course now I understand men can be tired, distracted, not in the mood, not wanting to feel pressured etc just the same as us. Glad you talked/apologised and sorted things out.

Deary me, this has turned into another of those mawkish "men are from mars..." type of threads, hasn't it

Male/female sexuality is not all that different, really.

Not being up for it isn't peculiar to being female.

Sulking and pestering when you don't get it isn't peculiar to being male.

Get over it...and certainly don't let it damage a good relationship, fgs

I'm so glad my Op has created this discussion, just got in from work and have to dash out again, will post later.

To pick up on some points raised re: insecurity, then yes, that is my main issue really.

My story is well documented on MN under my usual name, I didn't want to post as that as I didn't want my previous posts to influence any discussion here.

But to cut a long story short, my H of 25+ years (as a couple, not all married) left me after a long affair with a colleague. During the time of his affair, several years, I was rejected, cold shouldered, stonewalled etc. basically lived a very sad existence, whilst desperately trying to find reasons for the distancing, never dreaming it would be because of OW.

There was a lack of true affection and intimacy but always lots of sex. My ex 'needed' (hate that phrase) sex and I suppose I agreed every time as I 'needed' the contact, affection, anything from someone I was so in love with.

When he left it took me a long time to realise that his actions and decisions were nothing to do with me as a person. That I was still attractive, good company, a decent person, and my self esteem, is something I have worked hard to regain. I think I've done a good job and am now very content and happy.

Of course this has been helped by getting back out there, having a few dates, meeting nice people, and eventually new dp.

When the events of the weekend happened, I remembered those feelings of rejection again. I didn't want to experience that, especially as new dp and I have been getting along so well. I am usually a very laid back, easy going person and for me to bite back with the sulking and then the snippy comment was unlike me.

I know I was right to apologise and have thought long and hard about my reaction. I hope it doesn't happen again. That would be unfair on a lovely man who doesn't deserve it, who has made me very happy.

p.s. to those who said grow up, you will see from this post I am no spring chicken.

chronological years really have no bearing on maturity years

I might have guessed who you are, OP

Good luck with your new man, and please learn something about this

it would be awful if the damage caused to you by your exH's awful abuse of you (and yes, it was abuse, over a long period of time) managed to ruin your future relationships

exH would still have the upper hand then, wouldn't he ?

you are in control now, so keep it that way by continuing to develop your self-awareness, like it seems you are already doing a pretty good job of

Thanks AF, a long recovery process, that's been so much harder than I ever imagined.

My ex h will never have the upper hand again, I know that now.

Looking forward to next year and put this one far behind me.

Had dinner with new man and his DC this evening and all was good