Using DD to emotionally blackmail me

[Yika]

I have a 2 month old daughter. The father dumped me at 8 months pregnant (had been cheating on me; left me for the other woman). He threatened to have nothing to do with the baby unless I let him be present at the birth. In the face of much good advice I went along with it. Why? Because I wanted my daughter to have a father, and probably also because I secretly harboured hopes of getting back together (!!! no comment).

Fast forward two months, and I see that (as I was warned) if you give in to blackmail once it comes back to bite you. After a 'honeymoon' period after the birth when we got along really well, things have soured and he's again threatening to have nothing further to do with our daughter.

The issue this time: he wants me to change the baby's registered address (I live in Belgium, where you need to be registered with the local authorities) from my place to his. The reason: so that he can claim a child tax credit (I'm not eligible myself because I don't pay Belgian tax, so I wouldn't be giving up any financial advantage).

I object, for various reasons (1. seems dishonest to claim for a child that he doesn't actually maintain or support; 2. makes me feel insecure to have my baby registered as living somewhere other than my home; 3. it may create an additional administrative burden for me).

On top of generally feeling uncomfortable about the idea, I don't feel much inclination to do him a financial favour because (a) he pays no child support and has no intention of doing so. I don't intend to ask him either (this was understood from the start). (b) He has not paid for or helped me get any stuff for her, bar a few items of clothing. (c) He has not helped in any practical way. He occasionally comes to visit, but does not offer to do anything like shop, cook.

Is there any way I can deal with this situation without getting into an open conflict with him? If at all possible I would like to maintain a civil relationship with him for the sake of our DD and future co-parenting relationship. He can be vindictive and I am afraid of the consequences if things get ugly. Urgh! I wish I had not got him to put his name on the birth certificate...

Should I even give in? He says I am making a big deal out of a purely administrative matter. He only wants to change the address until January (new tax year), and could simply change it back thereafter.

He is giving me orders about it: 'I expect this to be done by next week' and will not even buy DD a Christmas present until it's done...

I think he could well make good his threat, because this is the way things are done in his family. He has had no contact with either of his parents for many years.

Yika,

It may be to your advantage to lose contact with the Father altogether. If you ever want to remove your child permanently from Belgium, and he was aware of it, he could use the Hague Convention (or Brussels Convention depending on your home country) to attempt to prevent you doing that. He could attempt to show that you had abducted the child!!! Clearly, if she is registered as living with him, you would find it almost impossible without admitting that you conspired to defraud the system. Besides, it gives the erroneous impression that he is heavily involved in her life, at least.

I raise this because as you are not benefitting from the Belgian child benefits you are probably not Belgian, ( or you are self employed) and might want to go back home at some point. You may not want him raising his parental rights and attempting to keep both the child and you in Belgium. If this happens, do oppose it.

You mention that he is involved with his other dc(by having a fraudulent arrangement with the other mother?). Do you really think his dc benefit from this? that he is only using them as a financial aid? Keep your dd as far ways as possible from this man. He will do her far more damage than growing up without a father will I promise you.

I second what BaggyAgy says. I keep a signed letter from my DH in the glove box of the car that says I am entitled to take our dd out of the country. And I only ever pop back to Kent for the weekend.

I am honestly gobsmacked that he wants to use your dd as a tax code benefit. I know the tax here is high, but still......

Yika,

You seem to have rose-tinted glasses on, when others can read from your description is that he is a grade A shit who is going to cause you and your DD a load of grief and disappointment in the future.

Please please please put your and your DD's interests first, not this horrible man. Don't act fraudulently, it will count against you in the long run. Don't register her address at his house. If you wish you had not put his name on the birth certificate, why consider going ahead with this.

Change dd's surname and keep him well away.
Make no mistake all your dd is to this man is a blackmail tool, don't let him commit fraud in your name as it will come back to bite you.

I agree that you seem to have a rose tinted view of this shitbag...he will end up damageing you both unless you wise up and grow up a bit, sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true.

I have an awful feeling you will keep giving in to this man..just my opinion