Using DD to emotionally blackmail me

[Yika]

I have a 2 month old daughter. The father dumped me at 8 months pregnant (had been cheating on me; left me for the other woman). He threatened to have nothing to do with the baby unless I let him be present at the birth. In the face of much good advice I went along with it. Why? Because I wanted my daughter to have a father, and probably also because I secretly harboured hopes of getting back together (!!! no comment).

Fast forward two months, and I see that (as I was warned) if you give in to blackmail once it comes back to bite you. After a 'honeymoon' period after the birth when we got along really well, things have soured and he's again threatening to have nothing further to do with our daughter.

The issue this time: he wants me to change the baby's registered address (I live in Belgium, where you need to be registered with the local authorities) from my place to his. The reason: so that he can claim a child tax credit (I'm not eligible myself because I don't pay Belgian tax, so I wouldn't be giving up any financial advantage).

I object, for various reasons (1. seems dishonest to claim for a child that he doesn't actually maintain or support; 2. makes me feel insecure to have my baby registered as living somewhere other than my home; 3. it may create an additional administrative burden for me).

On top of generally feeling uncomfortable about the idea, I don't feel much inclination to do him a financial favour because (a) he pays no child support and has no intention of doing so. I don't intend to ask him either (this was understood from the start). (b) He has not paid for or helped me get any stuff for her, bar a few items of clothing. (c) He has not helped in any practical way. He occasionally comes to visit, but does not offer to do anything like shop, cook.

Is there any way I can deal with this situation without getting into an open conflict with him? If at all possible I would like to maintain a civil relationship with him for the sake of our DD and future co-parenting relationship. He can be vindictive and I am afraid of the consequences if things get ugly. Urgh! I wish I had not got him to put his name on the birth certificate...

Should I even give in? He says I am making a big deal out of a purely administrative matter. He only wants to change the address until January (new tax year), and could simply change it back thereafter.

He is giving me orders about it: 'I expect this to be done by next week' and will not even buy DD a Christmas present until it's done...

I think he could well make good his threat, because this is the way things are done in his family. He has had no contact with either of his parents for many years.

I don't think it's quite as sinister as wanting to get the baby off me since he didn't really want another child (she's his 4th and the eldest ones are grown up). Also, he has this same dodgy arrangement with his youngest daughter, who lives with her mother but is registered at his address, and it seems to work out fine for them. So I think it really is just about the money. (Though I did offer to compensate him financially and he refused!!! :D). Nevertheless, he does have a vindictive streak so it does worry me that custody issues could potentially become a means of control/manipulation in the future.

And, as you've pointed out, I actually don't know the ins and outs of Belgian law in these matters.

Plus, I fully agree that it is fraud! I didn't like to use the word in case it was just me being overly rigid.

Regarding the birth, as it turned out I was actually glad to have him there in the end. He showed his best side: was very supportive of me and overjoyed with the baby and it didn't feel appropriate to ask anyone else - so that did turn out for the best.

Thanks again for the support, much appreciated.

what did you offer to compensate him financially for?

The tax relief that I am 'depriving' him of.

I don't get it - he sounds like a first class shit emotional manipulator - and he doesn't provide any useful support of any kind.

Do yourself a favour, ignore his demands and go and enjoy life with your DD. He sounds like he has the potential to get very nasty.

No need to do that Yika. Is there an equivalent of the CAB over there you could speak to? It seems you need to arm yourself with the facts before you talk to him next.

Tell him to fuck right off. The tax relief is granted because Belgium tax policy is family friendly but that money is meant to be FOR THE FAMILY. Why should he get it, especially as he is not contributing anything to you?

Do not enter into any fraudulent activity to appease him. The registration of an address isn't purely administrative, you may not be affected by the ramifications of such a decision now but circumstances change, this man is untrustworthy anything he says needs to be taken with a large pinch of salt. I understand your efforts in trying to keep the peace and being the bigger person (been there, done that, still doing it to some extent) but this is exactly what he wants, you contorting your self so that you bend to his wishes. If you do not take a stand now I fear that he will always control you (as the master manipulator he is, you won't even see it) and may use your fraudulent behaviour against you.

My advice is to get a lawyer and formalise visitation/ contact (if you wish to maintain contact) he will of course won't want this because it means he may be held accountable for his actions.

I agree he probably doesn't want to parent your child but he will probably use your child to enforce control over you, don't give the prick the rope.

You offered to compensate him financially for tax relief he is not owed, even though he gives you nothing towards the upkeep of your DD? You're a mug. Don't give in to this man. I don't see how your daughter will benefit from a relationship with him.

Oh, I don't feel a mug for offering him compensation - I couldn't care less about the money, as both he and I are fairly well off. I didn't do it out of any sense of obligation; I just wanted to test what the real issue was.

Anyway, I just had a message from him saying that's it - I'm on my own with the baby now. So that's that.

i fail to understand why you are giving him anything at all. even if you are financially well off, you owe him absolutely nothing.

Its a no brainer - NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

He may even be plotting to take her off you like some other poster said.

If he hassles you, tell the police and tell them why he's hassling you. Fraud is a crime.

BTW why are you in Belgium? If you aren't Belgian would it help if you went back to where you are from. Where you might have more support. That's what I would do if my (foreign) DP went nuts.

Your DD Is not missing much by not having this loser bullying her Mum and refusing to support her financially.

yika - I really do understand that you are trying very hard to provide a decent family for your DD but you need to realise that if he is willing (an able) to use this kind of blackmail against you - what will he do to your DD in the future?

If he is always getting what he wants by doing this then he'll likely be the same with her. He seems the sort to try and blackmail his daughter regarding spending time with her daddy and I'm fearful for her tbh.

You need to show him you are stopping this cycle now. For DD's sake.

the best way of making a decent family for your DD is to get rid of this piece of shit out of her life pronto. He is a well off man whose only interest in his daughter is the few extra crumbs that her existence will enable him to steal from the Belgian taxpayer?? Nice.

Ok so maybe you don't rate yourself or her as deserving of a bit more than what he is prepared to give but please get him out of her life before she is old enough to fall into the same mindset.

Two parents is NOT the only way, it's not some Holy Grail of family life that takes precedence over everything else (and quite often it's worse than the alternative.)

You are intelligent and well off. You can raise your daughter far better without the likes of him.

ok yika

he has said it's over and you are on your own (with dd)

that is the best news you could have been given ! Make sure you hold him to it

any tosser who would use a baby dd to try and control you doesn't deserve to be in her life

twat of the highest order

And if he tries to blackmail you again with the threat of wanting custody of your DD then tell him you'll tell the authorities of the fraud he's been committing - that should shut the greedy swine up.

Yika, me thinks the reply should be

"thanks for the best early christmas gift anyone could ever wish for! Goodbye"

Get legal advice and get some sort of restraining order against him, he sounds dreadful.

Just cut contact and never see him again. You and dd will be so much better off.

Yika,

Absolutely don't do it. If she is registered at his address it appears that he, not you, is the primary carer of the child. If he fought you for Residence (formerly called Custody) you would have to admit to registering your child's address fraudently. That is a crime. Belgium is strict about dishonesty in order to gain a financial advantage. Besides, if the court did not believe you that you were the main carer, it might just award Residence to the Father, because it appears that she lives with him and not with you. As you know there are many financial advantages to being a parent in Belgium. He wants the financial advantages but not the duties. He is asking you to break the law and risk imprisonment. Tell him you are too frightened to break the law, and that he shouldn't ask you .

Are you in Flanders or Wallonia? As you know the rules and penalties are different.

I can't feel happy to be rid of him. I had a child with him because I loved him (at the time) and I thought he loved her as much as I do.

I may be glad he's out of my life but for all his faults I wanted him to continue to be involved with DD.

I can find a new partner if I want; my daughter cannot get a new father. Our parents are the only ones we have, for better or worse, and I believe children suffer when they are absent. I dread what it will do to my DD to feel unwanted and rejected - especially when she finds out that he has other children that he does look after.

I feel particularly grieved now that we gave her his surname. I did it because I wanted him to be fully involved with her, and for her to be part of his family too.

XP's mother cut him out of her life when he was a child and he was scarred by it. I feel devastated that he's doing the same to his own daughter, who he claims to love.

All that said, I still agree with you that I have no other choice but to stand up to him.

BaggyAgy, he's in Wallonia (I'm in Brussels and I don't pay into or benefit from the Belgian system at all).

One day you will be happy to be rid of him. I promise you that.

Agree with the others Do NOt do it!!!!!

He sounds an awful person who wants to make moneyout of his kids.

Take advise from other posters he would drag you into an investigation brought on himself and you may go to prison.

Tell him No- say you have sought legal advise and tell him not to ask you again. He is already committing serious fraud with his other child.

Get rid of him he doesn't sound like an ideal father, after all he has 3 other kids who don't live with him, what more evidence do you need?

Yika, please be careful. You might indeed be better just walking away and not contacting him. I am not an expert in the Belgian legal set up, but my colleagues who have separated all seem to have some 50/50 set up as the Belgian courts seem to see equal shared residence as the way to go, unless there are strong reasons why not. This probably a positive thing in many cases, though maybe not in yours.

let him lose contact. Your daughter doesn't need presents from a father who is using her as a way of commiting fraud.

he's not interested in her.

You deal with this by saying "No thank you."

you don't have to say anything else.

If he becomes threatening (his type usually do) you call the police and have him removed.

Do you HONESTLY think she is better off with a father who wants to use her as a cash cow whilst contributing NOTHING towARDS HER UPKEEP?

She is better off WITHOUT him. YOu are better off without him.

No, she will never have another biological sperm donor, and nor will she need one.

Gosh, can't understand why you all don't seem to like this man.

You are right, Portofino, the default Belgian custody arrangement is 50-50. However I think he will simply walk away and not come back. But I will tread carefully in any case.